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BS: how long to get over a relationship?

29 Nov 05 - 12:49 PM (#1616460)
Subject: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST,Marge

I am getting over a hurtful break-up. It's been a year and I can still burst into tears. ( I chose to end the realtionship, but didn't expect the hurt he caused me. )

How long have my fellow mudcatters taken to get over the hurt feeling ?


29 Nov 05 - 01:00 PM (#1616468)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST

Hurt feelings are not the same as a broken heart, at least I don't thin so. Anyway, hurt feeling should not take more that a month or so( Iguess), but a broken heart, part of mine's been chipped for 30 years when I had to leave me first true love. I found another but that first heartbreak remains. Hurt feeling ? Move on, a year is way too long.


29 Nov 05 - 01:02 PM (#1616471)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Georgiansilver

Been apart from my wife for two and a half years now and well over it. I have achieved more in the last eighteen months than I have for many years. People get over things in their own time and dependent on circumstances....some never get over things as they live through their past each day. My suggestion is:- If it is truly over.....move on and plan all manner of things for you to do...it works! I still spend time with women occasionally but only as friends. Who knows...one day maybe!
Best wishes, Mike.


29 Nov 05 - 01:09 PM (#1616476)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST,saulgoldie

It takes how ever long it takes. I would say that if someone were over it in a few days or weeks, then the feelings probably weren't that deep. Sounds like yours were deeper than that.

It doesn't matter how long it takes others. What matters is how YOU feel. Take as long as you need, and don't worry about what others think.

Perhaps that is not the answer you were looking for...


29 Nov 05 - 01:14 PM (#1616480)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: webfolk

Someone once told me a month for every year you were together.

Geoff - bit on the side


29 Nov 05 - 02:01 PM (#1616513)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST,louise

Living well is the best revenge, as well as being the best healing. Treat yourself in small ways at least once a day, in big ways when resources allow.

Have a change of scene if at all possible but don't try to 'run away' too much or you may end up emotionally lost.

Turn your ex into a JOKE! All the stupid, inane, things he/she did or said can be used, indulge in cartooning, defacing photos, making up names, etc.
Avoid places or things you shared, use your intuition for when these can be enjoyed again (don't stick with them out of habit).

These worked for me. Best of luck & look ahead,love.


29 Nov 05 - 02:27 PM (#1616526)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST

You had no part in it all then.


29 Nov 05 - 02:38 PM (#1616535)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: John MacKenzie

Ah GUEST casting the first stone is always easy, when it's done without thought or consideration.
As far as the sadness goes, most of us have been there and it does go, although there is always a little corner of your heart that hurts, and certain things will re-activate it.
That's life/love.
G.


29 Nov 05 - 03:19 PM (#1616571)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Bobert

Well, I don't think we ever get completely over relationships... And that's okay... It says something about our humanity...

But, with that said, there should come a time when you no longer burst into tears...

Another variable is fillin' the void that the old relationship has left... Doesn't *have* to mean another similar relationship but it does mean another relationship, perhaps with an organization or educational facility... The hole needs to be filled...

Good luck...

Bobert


29 Nov 05 - 03:23 PM (#1616576)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST,Marge

Thanks everyone !

I do agree with the one month for a year thing.. only a few more months to go !

The thing is I actually did start another realtionship right away... it has helped, especially with my self esteem, but it doesn't take away the hurt.

keep going mudcatters!!


29 Nov 05 - 03:41 PM (#1616596)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: *daylia*

Marge, it changes any pain to gain. How about making a list of all the ways you've changed since that particular relationship changed; the things you've learned, the things you like better about yourself and your life now. Then you could take out that list and read it; remind yourself of these things when you feel the tears coming on.

I've discovered that finding things to be thankful for helps!


29 Nov 05 - 04:23 PM (#1616634)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Bobert

Yeah, speakin' of lists, the hurtful part is that list of memories when things were good... It's sometimes real easy to forget (or repress) the bad stuff which leaves only the good memories...

I have a old friend who I introduced to her future husband... After about 10 years she told me that she was seriously considering divorcing him because he had turned ckold towards her... Well, it wasn't a month after her telling me that that the husband was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer and died within a year after... Well, I never heard another single bad word from her about the husband... Might of fact, as time went on, she had more and more positve things to say about him and their marriage...

Strange???

So my advice to you would be to keep the good and bad lists in perspective and not allow the good one to beat up on ya'...

Hey, bottom, line, it wasn't working for you... The negatives had wiped out the positives so, yeah, remember the good times but don't let them get outta porportion...

End of Bobert's advice on this subject....

B~


29 Nov 05 - 09:38 PM (#1616847)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST

The problem is you have the female, familial, focus.



For most males, the realtionship ended months, even years before.



Give those powered by testosrone two hours, two beers, and a pretty face then all your bitchy-ness, coulda-woulda-shoulda-oughtas, disolve into dust.



Read Doctor Laura's book and you will quickly discover what your mother never taught you.



Woman is monosterous

Man is polyonomous

It is a wonder...we are not all bigamists. (author un-remembered)


29 Nov 05 - 09:53 PM (#1616853)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: The Fooles Troupe

"Turn your ex into a JOKE!"

How long to get over a relationship?

About six inches...


30 Nov 05 - 03:46 AM (#1616962)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Paul Burke

How do you get over the relationships that never took off, that's what I'd like to know.


30 Nov 05 - 04:06 AM (#1616976)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Georgiansilver

Paul, you obviously need to meet a beautiful flight attendant!


30 Nov 05 - 05:30 AM (#1617036)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: MuddleC

Dear Marge
It depends which side of the fence you're on,

if there is no love left in the relationship, it's over as soon as the solicitors/lawyers say it is...

for a smitten dumpee, probably never*
for the dumper, 'what relationship??'

probably the worst is the 'if only/what if', ..paths never followed, these can cause all sorts of regrets to grow in the mind..

*I can tell you what it feels like... ever seen the film of the Hindenburg, I'm looking around the wreckage to see if there's enough material left to make a coke can!

-have a nice day and pass the jack daniels


30 Nov 05 - 07:37 AM (#1617089)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Paul Burke

It's all about value. If someone you value ceases to value you (or never does in the first place), the automatic question is "what's wrong with me?". Recovering your self- valuation is the thing you've got to do. Can't help you there, because I don't know how either.


30 Nov 05 - 07:47 PM (#1617634)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Little Hawk

It's a tough thing to deal with. No one can tell you how long...because everyone has their own way of being about that.

I can say that in the past I have repeatedly allowed myself to be bothered and depressed far too long over breakups. I had difficulty forgiving both myself and the other person...and sometimes far more difficulty forgiving myself (for having supposedly "failed" in some way). Such thoughts are pointless. But that's easy to say.

Every relationship is a great learning experience. Very few are meant to last a lifetime. If you can remember the good that came out of it, accept the rest as useful lessons, and forgive whatever still hurts...that's a good start.

But you have to decide all that as it suits you best.

The past is gone. Why give it power to still hurt you now? The present is the real gift of life, and it's full of possibility.


30 Nov 05 - 07:50 PM (#1617636)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST

I chose to end the realtionship, but didn't expect the hurt he caused me.

You ended the relationship but he caused you the hurt--and now you hurt. Good lord.


30 Nov 05 - 09:31 PM (#1617696)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Little Hawk

No matter who ends the relationship...it usually involves a whole lot of hurt for both parties. At least that's been my experience. When people are feeling hurt, you never know just how they will react or what they'll say.


30 Nov 05 - 09:40 PM (#1617709)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Once Famous

Get ovewr it. Get on with your life. I used to find that getting laid helped.


30 Nov 05 - 09:52 PM (#1617719)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST,Mrs Olive Whatnoll

G'arn, you randy bastard! You'd 'ave to look a long way to find a woman wot would surrender 'er charms to a lout loik you, Martin, you disgustin' chauvinist layabout swine! Bein' wif you even once would, I suspect, drive the average woman into a convent for the rest of 'er days. It would be loik co-'abitin' wif the Boston Strangler.


30 Nov 05 - 09:54 PM (#1617726)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Once Famous

Mrs. Whatnoll, didn't you used to be known as Sandpaper Sandy in your younger days?


30 Nov 05 - 11:43 PM (#1617804)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST

Rubbed you the wrong way did she?


01 Dec 05 - 12:28 AM (#1617822)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Biskit

As crass as it sounds,...MG has a very sound point. In my younger daze (hrrumph!) before I met my Lizzy O'course, that was the best way I knew to get over a relationship gone bad, but as I recall it had to be one o'them all nighters to really seal it.
A Much Older, Wiser, and Happier,
~Biskit~


01 Dec 05 - 11:56 PM (#1618232)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Once Famous

Thank you, Biskit.

My wisdom always shines through. Much to the chagrin of those I so easily and so lovingly offend.


02 Dec 05 - 05:43 AM (#1618319)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST

When my marriage broke up, after the shock, grief and anger it took about three years to feel normal again.

My second long term relationship lasted another 14 years. He was a kind and talented man, but finally I called it to a halt because of some fundamental incompatabilities that emerged. I cried myself to sleep every night for a month, and then had a short, stupid affair. It certainly helped get over it, and also helped me decide to get used to being alone. I have been alone for six years now, and have a happy and productive life.

I am still good friends with my man of 14 years, and we help each other out in need.


02 Dec 05 - 06:01 AM (#1618327)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: The Fooles Troupe

I had already made the suggestion MG made, but in a more polite and subtle manner. Doubtless it went over his head.


02 Dec 05 - 11:23 AM (#1618572)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: the one

till your heart tells you.


02 Dec 05 - 04:02 PM (#1618800)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST,someone in ur same shoes

ok so i am in ur same situation. asking the same question...how long? just like u do. i also feel mad at myself from time to time for not being able to just move on instead of keep going in loops, especially since it has been a yr already. it has gotten better but it's still going on and it's not healthy. it is especially so if there is no real closure. when u say ur hurting, maybe it is that closure that u need to establish. well anyhow, i will tell u what i tell myself: everything will work out, ur wound will stop bleeding...in the end u will survive. if something is not meant to be, then it is not meant to be, something better will be...u might not be able to find someone better, but u will certainly find someone better for u and that's what counts. keep believing that.


02 Dec 05 - 05:38 PM (#1618871)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST

how long to get over a relationship?

Three days.


02 Dec 05 - 07:02 PM (#1618909)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: The Fooles Troupe

You know Marty, intelligent women don't like loud mouth boofheads, at least not for long after the effects of the pheromes fade...


02 Dec 05 - 08:17 PM (#1618992)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Bunnahabhain

Well, I don't know about the main question, and hopefully never will, but this I do know some stuff.

From: Paul Burke - PM
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 03:46 AM
How do you get over the relationships that never took off, that's what I'd like to know?


The way to get over a relationship that never was is to find the real relationship that does go somewhere. It's not forgetting the first one, it's just when you think about it, it could not be as good as what you now have.

It's not much of a solution if you're single though.


03 Dec 05 - 07:50 PM (#1619544)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Cruiser

Plaisir d'amour ne dure qu'on moment
Chagrin d'amour dure toute la vie


04 Dec 05 - 04:36 AM (#1619665)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST

It's a process, I think, if you actually love a person, to go on without them, even if you know it's best. I had only been with him two years, so it was probably quite different. He was the first man I ever courted, and a friend for many years before he was a lover, though, and very dear to me for it.

I think for me the main thing was dealing with the fact that I couldn't just up and stop loving him. I had to come to terms with the fact that love doesn't just go away.

To be honest, I was getting married to a good, kind, wonderful man about a year after. Through my loss I learned things, and I don't think I'd have the wonderful husband I have now without going through those things.


04 Dec 05 - 07:33 AM (#1619713)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: kendall

The worst thing you can do for yourself after a serious breakup is to jump into another relationship. Find out what was wrong with the relationship and work to avoid that problem in the future.
Now, the hard part:

Remain totally celibate for a minimum of one year; Two is better. If you jump into another relationship before that time, all you are going to do is drag that baggage along with you, and with each broken relationship you do that, eventually the baggage is too much and you say to hell with it; men/women are not worth the bother.
Just remember, it is NEVER all the other person's fault. You can convince yourself that "They" are to blame, but if you do, you are living in a fools paradise from which you will never escape.

If you need to get laid, do it. Just don't attach any real meaning to a quicky.


04 Dec 05 - 09:56 AM (#1619779)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: muppitz

How long to get over a relationship?

It depends what your definition of "getting over it" is.

Some relationships I have to be reminded I was actually in, e.g. chatting with a friend and they say something like "oh, do you remember that guy you were seeing a few years back?" and I realise it was someone I had forgotten about.

But the ones that affected me I won't ever forget, one in particular ended very badly and I have been scarred by it as I don't trust prospective or actual partners, so in a way I'm still not "over" a relationship that ended more than 2 years ago.
I don't cry about it anymore but it does affect me.

I only really cry at the end of a beer filled night when I realise that once again I have attracted someone who is either incompatable or unavailable.

Being lonely doesn't help, but niether does an empty encounter.

muppitz x


04 Dec 05 - 01:04 PM (#1619846)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Once Famous

Fooly, you haven't got a clue as to what women want. Intelligent or not. Last time I looked, you were not the national spokesman, I mean national spokesgirlieperson for women.


04 Dec 05 - 05:03 PM (#1619940)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Richard Bridge

Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

I'm going to have to agree with Gobson.

My late wife told me, before we were ever a really serious item - the first reaction after the end of a relationship is to fill the empty space in the bed. It doesn't have to be a new "relationship" (one of the reasons Jacqui and I were a long-standing, no pun intended, item, despite the frequent and sometimes the grinding hostility was that we both tended to call a spade a f***ing shovel) - just get your ashes hauled, whether you be male or female. And, to borrow another aphorism of hers, there is no aphordisiac like fresh meat. *(see footnote)

The people who turn it into a psychosis are the ones who can't get laid. Relationships are what screw people up.

Footnote - this is not to imply that meat must be odourless. The nose is another sex organ. The biggest sex organ is of course the brain.


04 Dec 05 - 06:28 PM (#1619981)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Little Hawk

What you do all depends on what you are actually after. This varies from one person to another, and can be quite complicated. Then too, there are some who don't know what they are after.

Therefore, there is no one appropriate time period in which to get over a relationship. Some Victorian poets made a whole life career out of NEVER getting over their FIRST relationship! ;-) Casanova got over his..."relationships" almost instantly. Like I said, it all depends on what you are after.

If it's just sex you want, that can easily be had with no real relationship at all. Rodents, cats, and dogs are all experts on that, so we should probably get some feedback from the rodent community ASAP. Then we could consult the various birds who mate for life and get their viewpoint on it for a refreshing alternate take. How does a Canada Goose cope with losing his/her mate to a hunter? Will a quick fling at the local pond cure that aching sense of loss? Somehow, I think not...

So, what species are you? I'm a hawk. Hawks choose to mate with just one partner, as far as I know. Which animal species would you choose if you chose one, Martin? And how about you, Richard?


04 Dec 05 - 07:38 PM (#1620028)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Little Hawk

To BE, I mean...


04 Dec 05 - 07:43 PM (#1620035)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Once Famous

An owl of course. Symbol of wisdom.


04 Dec 05 - 08:00 PM (#1620051)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Little Hawk

Ah. Good choice. Owls are very neat. I like the way their head turns to follow you as you walk around them until...ZIP!...it pops right round to the other side.


04 Dec 05 - 08:44 PM (#1620075)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Peace

"BS: how long to get over a relationship?"

As long as a piece of string; as big as a breadbox; as fast as the wind.


04 Dec 05 - 08:46 PM (#1620078)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Peace

As short as a piece of string; as small as a breadbox; as slow as the wind.


04 Dec 05 - 09:14 PM (#1620093)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST

Read the "Holy Scriptures" and you realize - when your sig-other has fraternized/matronized/materialized (looking on porno aka PlayBoy)they have drunk from a well that is not their own.


04 Dec 05 - 09:20 PM (#1620095)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST

Indeed. Thay have drunk from somebody else's well.


04 Dec 05 - 10:13 PM (#1620131)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: Little Hawk

Uh-huh. This is assuming you have a significant other. I realize that a lot of people do, but it's not a given. You do not need a significant other in order to love, nor does love need to be exclusive.

There's love and then there's just lust. Love can include sex or not. I'd say that sex makes up about 5% of the average person's life experiences which can truly be defined as "love". (It is a nice 5% though, don't get me wrong...)

If we reproduced by budding and pollinating (courtesy of the bees) like many plants do, our movies and books would be quite different, wouldn't they? "Love" would have to find different modes of expression in popular entertainment.


13 Dec 05 - 06:27 PM (#1626746)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST,Abbeyrd

I was in a "bad" relationships for 18 months. I knew it was wrong - but got hooked (dumb me). But -- I ended it rather suddenly one night in middle September. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I think it's just habit -- you were used to somebody - and the habit is broken. But - I also see - you can get used to anything - and EVEN being without THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


14 Dec 05 - 09:21 AM (#1627128)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: The Fooles Troupe

Sorry Martoonhead, I was not chasing this thread for a while so I missed your infantile projected obsessions. You ARE a latent 'girlie' yourself, you see, thus your fearful hostility projected at me, whose real manliness terrifies you.


26 Dec 05 - 01:48 PM (#1635030)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: GUEST,T.Bear

I dont know how long it takes but it sure hurts alot. Its been two weeks since we havent talked but we still call and not answer each other. We were together almost 2 years and lived together for over a year. Part of the healing processes seems to accept and share with others that feel like yourself.


26 Dec 05 - 04:44 PM (#1635112)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: jaze

Forgive yourself. Forgive him. And then move on.


26 Dec 05 - 04:47 PM (#1635113)
Subject: RE: BS: how long to get over a relationship?
From: kendall

Physician, heal thyself.

I have a friend who used to be in the used car business. He used to say "There is an ass for every seat." Finding the right one takes work and knowing exactly what you want.