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BS: First Joke Thread of 2013

01 Jan 13 - 10:19 AM (#3459967)
Subject: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

Just a little late, seasonally, but great!

The Night Before Christmas -- for General Aviators

Twas the night before Christmas, and out on the ramp,
Not an airplane was stirring, not even a Champ.
The aircraft were fastened to tiedowns with care,
In hopes that come morning, they all would be there.

The fuel trucks were nestled, all snug in their spots,
With gusts from two-forty at 39 knots.
I slumped at the fuel desk, now finally caught up,
And settled down comfortably, resting my butt.

When the radio lit up with noise and with chatter,
I turned up the scanner to see what was the matter.
A voice clearly heard over static and snow,
Called for clearance to land at the airport below.

He barked his transmission so lively and quick,
I'd have sworn that the call sign he used was "St. Nick".
I ran to the panel to turn up the lights,
The better to welcome this magical flight.

He called his position, no room for denial,
"St. Nicholas One, turnin' left onto final."
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Rutan-built sleigh, with eight Rotax Reindeer!

With vectors to final, down the glideslope he came,
As he passed all the fixes, he called them by name:
"Now Ringo! Now Tolga! Now Trini and Bacun!
On Comet! On Cupid!" What pills was he takin'?

While controllers were sittin', and scratchin' their head,
They phoned to my office, and I heard it with dread,
The message they left was both urgent and dour:
"When Santa pulls in, have him please call the tower."

He landed like silk, with the sled runners sparking,
Then I heard "Left at Charlie," and "Taxi to parking."
He slowed to a taxi, turned off of three-oh
And stopped on the ramp with a "Ho, ho-ho-ho..."

He stepped out of the sleigh, but before he could talk,
I ran out to meet him with my best set of chocks.
His red helmet and goggles were covered with frost
And his beard was all blackened from Reindeer exhaust.

His breath smelled like peppermint, gone slightly stale,
And he puffed on a pipe, but he didn't inhale.
His cheeks were all rosy and jiggled like jelly,
His boots were as black as a cropduster's belly.

He was chubby and plump, in his suit of bright red,
And he asked me to "fill it, with hundred low-lead."
He came dashing in from the snow-covered pump,
I knew he was anxious for drainin' the sump.

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And I filled up the sleigh, but I spilled like a jerk.
He came out of the restroom, and sighed in relief,
Then he picked up a phone for a Flight Service brief.

And I thought as he silently scribed in his log,
These reindeer could land in an eighth-mile fog.
He completed his pre-flight, from the front to the rear,
Then he put on his headset, and I heard him yell, "Clear!"

And laying a finger on his push-to-talk,
He called up the tower for clearance and squawk.
"Take taxiway Charlie, the southbound direction,
Turn right three-two-zero at pilot's discretion"

He sped down the runway, the best of the best,
"Your traffic's a Grumman, inbound from the west."
Then I heard him proclaim, as he climbed thru the night,
"Merry Christmas to all! I have traffic in sight."


01 Jan 13 - 10:46 AM (#3459980)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Fireman Bob"

Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building
and rescued a beautiful young lady who was
clad only in the top half of her baby-doll
nightgown. He carried her in his arms down
three flights of stairs and saved her from
her sure demise.

As they arrived safely, a wash of gratitude
rushed over her. She looked at him with
great fondness and admiration, then said,
"Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken
great strength and courage to rescue me
the way you did."

"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had
to fight off three other firemen who were
trying to get to you first!"

================

"The Rescue"

A ladder was placed against the bedroom
window of a burning house, and a young
fireman rushed up. Inside was a curvy
brunette in a see-through nightie.

"Aha," said he, "You're the second pregnant
girl I've rescued this year!"

"But I'm not pregnant," indignantly exclaimed
the brunette.

"You're not rescued yet either."


01 Jan 13 - 11:55 AM (#3459998)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: LilyFestre

My two year old's favorite joke:

Why didn't the wheels go anywhere today?

Because they were WHEELIE WHEELIE tiwred!!!

*Fits of giggles follow making the best joke ever in my book*

Happy New Year!

Michelle


01 Jan 13 - 12:08 PM (#3460002)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion

When I was two, my favourite joke was my Uncle Alf's ~~

Do you know the difference between an apple and an elephant?

No.

Well then, I wouldn't send you out to buy a pound of apples You might come back with a pound of elephants.



I am not sure I quite got the point; but I was tickled to death by the concept of a pound of elephants.

~M~


01 Jan 13 - 05:12 PM (#3460158)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: catspaw49

The 112th Congress of the United States .... They can't even leave right. Worst joke of 2011 and 2012 and the GOP House might be the nastiest joke of 2013.


Spaw


01 Jan 13 - 05:41 PM (#3460166)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Georgiansilver

MtheGM.. The one I heard from my grandfather was similar.. "What is the difference between an elephants a..se and a post box?"... of course we answered that we didn't know..... "Well I wouldn't send you to post a letter then" was his retort!


01 Jan 13 - 06:20 PM (#3460177)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,DaveA

Then there was the guy who never realised he was dyslexic till he went to a Toga party dressed as a goat....

Happy New Year

Dave


01 Jan 13 - 08:56 PM (#3460216)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Sandra in Sydney

my favourite childhood joke - learnt from the children's page in the Sunday newspaper.

What sits on the bottom of the ocean & shakes?



a nervous wreck



& still my favourite cos I can always remember it!


01 Jan 13 - 10:10 PM (#3460230)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F

Teacher: "The Indians had bows so powerful they could shoot an arrow into a buffalo right up the feathers."
Pupil: "Buffaloes don't have feathers."


02 Jan 13 - 11:46 AM (#3460400)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mr Red

I always thought Gregorian was a game of chants.


02 Jan 13 - 05:05 PM (#3460551)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Jim Dixon

From my childhood:

"What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?"

"I don't know...."

"Oh, so you're the one!"


03 Jan 13 - 05:23 AM (#3460721)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Michael

Curtain in the toilet? Posh or what? Ours didn't even have a window.

Mike


03 Jan 13 - 08:27 AM (#3460776)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mr Red

How do you let the "air" out. Oh! You already did!


03 Jan 13 - 04:36 PM (#3461004)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: The Sandman

what do you call a frenchman in sandals... phillipe fallop


03 Jan 13 - 04:38 PM (#3461007)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: The Sandman

a bread roll went into a pub and ordered a drink, the barman said sorry, we dont serve food in here.


03 Jan 13 - 04:46 PM (#3461008)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: The Sandman

did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race ...it ended up as a tie


03 Jan 13 - 04:50 PM (#3461010)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: The Sandman

why is sex like snow......because you dont know how long it will lastor how many inches you will get


04 Jan 13 - 11:25 AM (#3461250)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,999

Here's a gooder.


04 Jan 13 - 02:45 PM (#3461327)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link

dont know the lingo but i LOL.


05 Jan 13 - 09:03 AM (#3461664)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,owl glass

Hey Guys,
Someone just tried to sell me a large, blank sheet of paper with "2013" printed real small in the top corner. He claimed it was a Mayan year planner!


05 Jan 13 - 10:06 AM (#3461684)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,999

LOL


05 Jan 13 - 12:02 PM (#3461738)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, my wife Pat and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a pimple-faced power-tripping arsehole. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres. So Pat called him a small-minded little shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.


07 Jan 13 - 06:04 AM (#3462524)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Roger the Skiffler

I can't remember (!) if this has been posted before:
Senior moments:brain farts
RtS


07 Jan 13 - 07:27 AM (#3462544)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Fergie

Thanks Roger the Skiffler, I got a few good laughs out of that one

Fergus


07 Jan 13 - 07:36 AM (#3462547)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Fergie

This one was told by Phil Callery of the Voice Squad at Góilín Singers Club Puddin' Night.

A woman goes up to a sales man and says "Can I have a green Union Jack please?" the salesman says "Madam Union Jacks come in three colours: red, white and blue" "Oh right" says the woman "In that case give a blue one"


07 Jan 13 - 01:54 PM (#3462737)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Jim Dixon

Maybe she wanted this:

Green Union Jack.


08 Jan 13 - 12:27 PM (#3463172)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Pete Jennings

True story:

We were on an art school trip to Berlin back in March 2011. In the bar at the Tacheles art-squat (now sadly closed) I was trying to take a group photo but the head of BA fine art didn't like having her photo taken so kept hiding behind the guy next to her, spoiling the once-in-a-lifetime shot.

Back at home I photoshopped an earlier photo of her into one of the artworks on the wall above where she had been sitting, printed half-a-dozen A3 size and put them up in various places around the fine art department (cruel, I know, but that's art students for you...).

Anyway, I'm putting one up in the big studio and one of the BA students asks, "Where's that?". "It's a bar in Berlin", says I. "What", says she, "and they've got a picture of Maggie on the wall?!!".

I really wish I'd said yes...


16 Jan 13 - 09:11 AM (#3466957)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

Senior Golf

Beverly is ninety years old. She's played golf every day since her retirement twenty-five years ago. One day she arrives home looking sad.

"That's it," she tells her husband, Gus. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."

Her husband makes her a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't you take me with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Beverly. "You're a hundred and three. You can't help."

"I may be a hundred and three," says Gus, "but my eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course with her Gus. She tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

She turns to the husband and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied Gus, "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Beverly.

"I don't remember."


16 Jan 13 - 10:40 AM (#3466994)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mr Red

a guy walks into a bar and goes squelch

It was a Mars Bar.


16 Jan 13 - 07:00 PM (#3467255)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Mrr whose computer RsIP

I hear Lance Armstrong finally had the ball to admit to his doping?


16 Jan 13 - 09:24 PM (#3467339)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,999

Due to unforeseen circumstances tomorrow's Psychics and Mediums Association's meeting has been cancelled.


17 Jan 13 - 12:10 AM (#3467404)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,999

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. – "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. – "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. – "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. – "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. – "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. – "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

###################################

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."


18 Jan 13 - 09:06 AM (#3468050)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,999

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next bowel movement could spell disaster.


18 Jan 13 - 09:51 AM (#3468062)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Wheelchair"

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's
office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a
wheelchair into the room. As she went to the
receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk
with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's
lap and walked over to the wheelchair.

Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know
how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the
stroller too."

---------------


"Polite Patient"

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult
assignment of giving immunization shots to
children.

One day, I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle.

"No, no, no!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," scolded her mother, "that's not polite
behavior."

With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank
you! No, thank you!"


18 Jan 13 - 06:16 PM (#3468286)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F

Guest,999:
"Doctor, my baby just swallowed a roll of film. Should I try to induce vomiting?"
"No, let's wait and see if anything develops."


18 Jan 13 - 10:50 PM (#3468335)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,999

Good one.

Backatcha, Joe_F.

At the end of his course on mathematical methods in optimization, the professor sternly looks at his students and says: "There is one final piece of advice I'm going to give you now: Whatever you have learned in my course - never ever try to apply it to your personal lives!"
"Why?" the students ask.
"Well, some years ago, I observed my wife preparing breakfast, and I noticed that she wasted a lot of time walking back and forth in the kitchen. So, I went to work, optimized the whole procedure, and told my wife about it."
"And what happened?!"
"Before I applied my expert knowledge, my wife needed about half an hour to prepare breakfast for the two of us. And now, it takes me less than fifteen minutes..."


19 Jan 13 - 10:16 AM (#3468533)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,owl glass

Two circus lions escaped and ate a clown.When they'd finished one said to the other, "Did that taste funny to you?"


19 Jan 13 - 11:19 AM (#3468560)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Pete Jennings

Two snowmen in a field. One says to the other, "can you smell carrots?"


20 Jan 13 - 09:50 PM (#3469241)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe Offer

Lipstick in Catholic School

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


There are teachers ... and then there are educators!


21 Jan 13 - 12:31 AM (#3469275)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Dead Horse

A mother goes to Doctor about the size of her sons genitals.
"Doctor i am really worried about the size of James's penis, its tiny."
"Don't worry when he hits puberty he will be fine."
"But Doctor its so small, how will he be able to keep a girlfriend happy when he's older?."
Not seeing how else to get rid of her, he decides to make something up.
"OK, this is an old wive's tale but apparently if you give him loads of toast it should start to get bigger in no time."
"Thank you Doctor, thank you"
The next day little James come down the stairs to see a whole loaf has been toasted and is sitting piled up on the kitchen table.
"Mummy is that all for me?"
"No son, just the top slice, the rest is for your dad."


21 Jan 13 - 01:03 AM (#3469280)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mark Ross

Smith & Wesson just announced that they have in production a new pistol.
It's called the Congressman. It doesn't work, and you can't fire it.

Mark Ross


21 Jan 13 - 04:46 AM (#3469315)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Roger the Skiffler

"Doctor, doctor, there's a lettuce leaf sticking out of my bottom".
"Don't worry, it's just the tip of the iceberg."

RtS
(I'll get me [white] coat)


21 Jan 13 - 07:44 AM (#3469384)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Pete Jennings

What do you call an overdone Tesco beef burger? Black Beauty!


31 Jan 13 - 05:47 AM (#3473845)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Roger the Skiffler

I think siome of these have been posted here before...

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing.


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Gordon woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.


RtS


31 Jan 13 - 08:30 PM (#3474130)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F

If you hold up one big green ball in one hand, and another big green ball in the other hand, what have you got?

A Jolly Green Giant.


31 Jan 13 - 09:16 PM (#3474154)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Donuel

Thanks Uncle Dave


01 Feb 13 - 12:35 PM (#3474464)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy

And what have you got when you have two little green balls in your hand?

Kermit's undivided attention.


02 Feb 13 - 07:51 AM (#3474804)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: machree01

Man in car phones the zoo, says I seen a zebra crossing


02 Feb 13 - 10:05 PM (#3475117)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Donuel

cello wars is funnier


06 Feb 13 - 02:13 PM (#3476476)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"It Could Have Been Worse..."

There once was a sheriff who, no matter what the situation,
always said, "It could have been worse" after viewing the
scene of the crime. It drove his two deputies absolutely crazy.

One day, the two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered
an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in,
they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the
bedroom. They both had been shot to death. When the
deputies went to the living room, they found the body of a
man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was
a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and
found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them
both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and
suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he's
going to say 'It could have been worse' as he always does!"

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people
in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It
couldn't be worse. You're on." said the first deputy.

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He
walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies.
He then walked into the living room and saw the man on
the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the
sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder
and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in
bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he
shot himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his
deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it
could have been worse."      

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted,
"Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three
people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead.
It couldn't have been worse!!"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there
on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would
be me in there in that bed!"


06 Feb 13 - 10:06 PM (#3476596)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F

A reporter interviewed Norman Thomas on his deathbed. Thomas was blind and almost deaf.

"How are you, Mr Thomas?"
"Could be worse."
"How could it be worse, Mr Thomas?"
"I might lose my mind."


07 Feb 13 - 06:16 PM (#3476876)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: gnu

PROPOSED CUTS TO CANADA'S HEALTH SERVICE.

The Canadian Medical Association has weighed in on the Prime Minister's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sight .

Pathologists yelled "Over my dead body!", while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Ottawa.


08 Feb 13 - 05:40 PM (#3477291)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Airymouse

God and Satan get in to an altercation over a line fence. Finally God says, "Wait a minute Satan, I want to consult my lawyer. Satan says, "You ain't got one."


08 Feb 13 - 08:41 PM (#3477361)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F

"I know the police cause you trouble.
They cause trouble everywhere,
But when you die and go to heaven,
There'll be no policemen there." -- "Hobo's Lullaby"


14 Feb 13 - 11:59 AM (#3479600)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy

I hear all the folks who ate horsemeat instead of beef are in stable condition...

To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian!


14 Feb 13 - 12:08 PM (#3479605)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Ernest

a horse is a horse is a horse is a lasagne, of course....


15 Feb 13 - 09:36 AM (#3479984)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Ernest

Recently we had a thread about Richard III and what happened to his horse.

Now we know.


15 Feb 13 - 11:29 AM (#3480028)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy

I'm trying to give up sexual innuendos for Lent, but it's SO hard!


15 Feb 13 - 01:35 PM (#3480088)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: frogprince

Hmmm...Mrrzy, I already knew that an innuendo is an Italian suppository; is a sexual innuendo a viagra pill that's administered by sticking it up your butt?


16 Feb 13 - 12:03 AM (#3480244)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Dead Horse

If you stick viagra up your butt you will become a real hard ar*e.


16 Feb 13 - 06:13 AM (#3480297)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Michael

Viagra is a tablet (blue and triangular as I learnt in a pub quiz this week) and therefore should be washed down with a stiff drink.

Mike


17 Feb 13 - 05:27 AM (#3480625)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Georgiansilver

The girl in the local store asked me for an example of innuendo.. so I gave her one!


21 Feb 13 - 02:41 PM (#3482129)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy

OK, these might be better in a limericks thread, but they made me laugh out loud, and the first one is actually a TRIPLE pun.

Title: Ask No Quarter
A fellow there was, name of Porter
Whose wife was blown up by a mortar.
His nephews and nieces
Helped pick up the pieces
So he gave each small helper a quarter.

(Untitled)
A lady from Budapest, Florrie
Went out in a small boat with Cory.
When he got in her drawers
As she pulled on the oars
He said it was all hunky-dory.

This one I also liked, but it isn't punny:

A condom designer named Newsome
Invented one really quite gruesome.
It was strangely confused
For 'twas meant to be used
By three people instead of a twosome.


25 Feb 13 - 02:29 AM (#3483445)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion

Joke told me by my father dating back to the 1911 reforms of the House of Lords, which I still think contains a fine pun


"Do you believe in a Second Chamber?"

"Yes, my husband is a Liberal peer."

~M~


25 Feb 13 - 04:39 PM (#3483651)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Bert

Oh NICE ONE MtheGM!


26 Feb 13 - 08:01 PM (#3484059)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Bert

I don't know why I started a new thread. This certainly belongs here.

Why didn't our local paper carry this news?
Bud accused of watering down their beer

Beer drinkers in the US have filed a $5m (£3.3m) lawsuit accusing Anheuser-Busch of watering down its beer.

How low can you get?

Well, you walk a way from your grocery store
with a six pack of Bud, you can't afford more
But when you get home you must shed a tear
'cos you've bought a pack of the Bud with no beer.


26 Feb 13 - 08:56 PM (#3484075)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,mark-s(on the road)

A teacher was explaining to the class the importance of using capital letters correctly.

Simple. It's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse or helping your uncle jack off a horse!

Got it?


27 Feb 13 - 07:01 AM (#3484221)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: John MacKenzie

I was watching Sky Sports and a game from Japan's Premier League. Towards the end of the match, some guys in black clothing rushed on to the pitch and started doing martial arts.

Apparently we were into 3 minutes of ninjary time.


27 Feb 13 - 07:03 AM (#3484222)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: John MacKenzie

How do you know it's spring in New Jersey? sap buckets start appearing on the telephone poles.....


05 Mar 13 - 08:56 PM (#3486834)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Bird Study"

There is a new very important government study
on just how intelligent crows are.

The State of California found about 200 dead
crows on its highways, and there was concern
that they may have died from avian flu. They
had a bird pathologist examine the remains of
all the crows, and he confirmed the problem
was definitely NOT avian flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows
had been killed by impact with trucks, and only
2% were killed by car impact.

The State of California then hired an ornithological
behaviorist to determine the disproportionate
percentages for truck versus car kill. The
ornithological behaviorist determined the cause
in short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always set up a
lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of
impending danger. His conclusion was that the
lookout crow could say "Cah! Cah!" but he could not
say "Truck."


05 Mar 13 - 09:25 PM (#3486843)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Peter K (Fionn)

Courtesy of Ken Dodd:

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows. It's never been tried.

..........

Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth.
So why come to see me?
Well I was passing and I saw a light...

..........

This lass was a bit on the thin side. In fact she swallowed a boiled egg once, and four lads left the village.


06 Mar 13 - 12:18 PM (#3487102)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Technical Terminology"
{A bit dated but still accurate}

486....The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art....Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete....Any computer you own.

Microsecond....The time it takes for your State-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error...."Hello, I want to buy a computer, and money is no object."

GUI (pronounced "gooey")....What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Computer Chip....Any starchy foodstuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

Keyboard....The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse....An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy....The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive....The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.

Portable Computer....A device invented to force business people to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash....A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User....Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System update....A quick method of trashing all of your current software

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

And lastly, an ominous warning sign, posted on a computer:

I WILL DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU TELL ME TO!


09 Mar 13 - 01:37 PM (#3488469)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

The Most Toys

We've all heard the "Mantra of Capitalism" -- "He who dies with the most toys, wins." How do other isms deal with the philosophy?

Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.

Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Atheism - There is no toy maker.

Anglican - They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox - No, they were ours first.

Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Polytheism - There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.

Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys.

B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.

Amish - Powered toys are surely a sin.

Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.

Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second....

Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.

Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.


10 Mar 13 - 09:42 AM (#3488694)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Dharmabum

A Woman's Life~
After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
...
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.

The Maid quit.

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.:)


10 Mar 13 - 09:44 AM (#3488696)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Dharmabum

A man died and went to heaven, where he met St. Peter sitting at a desk
in the middle of a great hall. On the walls were millions of clocks.

"What are those used for?" he asked. St. Peter said, "There's one of
them for every living person on Earth ticking out the days of their lives."

The newcomer noticed that the hands of some of the clocks were moving
faster than others. "Why do they move at different speeds," he asked.
St. Peter said, "Every time you tell a lie you lose one hour of your
life and your clock speeds up."

The newcomer looked around and then asked, "Do you have one of these for
my congressman?"

St. Peter answered, "Sure! It's in the back room. We use it for a
ceiling fan."


10 Mar 13 - 11:03 AM (#3488727)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,999

Geography lesson for the day.


10 Mar 13 - 01:27 PM (#3488775)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: frogprince

999, whoever blew those up needs to get a new air pressure gauge before he accidentally kills somebody.


11 Mar 13 - 08:21 AM (#3489078)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,SPB at work

School Dinners - Horses for Courses


11 Mar 13 - 03:15 PM (#3489237)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,JTT

Job interview. Interviewer asks: "What is your worst quality?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty's a bad quality."
"I don't give a fuck what you think."


11 Mar 13 - 04:34 PM (#3489265)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: gnu

WARNING... tasteless and EXTREMELY PI XXX, hmmm.... XXXXXX joke that should only be read by people with a sense of humour.

Answers below. Don't peek.

Two roosters light on a fence.

1. How many legs do they have?
2. How many wings do they have?
3. How many beaks do they have?
 
A cat jumps onto the fence.

4. How many paws does it have?
5. How many ears does it have?
6. How many whiskers does it have?















 
 
1. 4
2. 4
3. 2
4. 4
5. 2
6. *












* You seem to know a lot about cocks but not much about pussy.


12 Mar 13 - 12:09 PM (#3489560)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Pete Jennings

Guy suspects his wife is having an affair so he comes home early one day to find out if anything is going on. Finding the lift out of order, he has to run up sixteen flights of stairs to his flat, where he finds his wife on the bed, naked.

Quick search of the flat reveals no-one but out of the kitchen window he can see a bloke running away, pulling his jacket on.

Hopping mad he opens the window, picks up the fridge and throws it out. Splat! A great shot flattens the bloke, but the effort of running up all those stairs and then heaving the fridge out gives him a heart attack and he dies.

Up at the pearly gates, St. Peter's signing in the new arrivals.

"How did you get to be here?", has asks the guy. "Well, after running up a load of stairs and throwing a fridge out of a window, I had a heart attack". "Okay, in you go", say St. Peter, "next!".

"So, how did you get here?", he asks the next bloke.

"Well, I was sitting in this fridge...".


23 Mar 13 - 05:50 PM (#3493941)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

Alcohol Warning Labels

Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion to add more warning labels to their products. Just as the warnings on cigarette packs "rotate" through a variety of cautions, alcohol products will also get one of the following warning notices:



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an obliviot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.


24 Mar 13 - 02:20 AM (#3494032)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST


24 Mar 13 - 09:39 AM (#3494141)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,owl glass

Q: What do you and leading politicians have in common?
A: I haven't got the faintest idea.


26 Mar 13 - 09:17 AM (#3495048)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

A New Marine's First Letter Home

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are too.

The Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 5:00 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer that all you do in the Marines before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad -- there's warm water.

A Marine Corps breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

As Marines we're expected to go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some.

The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bullseye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Tammy Gail


26 Mar 13 - 09:33 AM (#3495052)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: John MacKenzie

Someone asked me, "Now that you're retired, do you still have a job?"
I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, they said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it.


03 Apr 13 - 10:01 AM (#3498265)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

Health Hazard

With "gun control" in the news so much these days, this one's starting to go around again. It should certainly make you think....

The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that is eighty million. The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.0000188.

The number of physicians in the U.S. is approximately 700,000. The number of accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is approximately 120,000. The number of accidental deaths per physician is 0.1714286.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

Fact: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand. Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.


08 Apr 13 - 01:14 PM (#3500532)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy

What do we say when we are very young and constipated?

We need a poo!


15 Apr 13 - 09:51 PM (#3504037)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Jack the Sailor

An elderly Irish man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."
:-)


16 Apr 13 - 02:29 AM (#3504097)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Georgiansilver

John Mac you just reminded me of another one about the wifey..... My wife to me is a sex object!...... I want sex... she objects!


16 Apr 13 - 06:18 AM (#3504136)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: John MacKenzie

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S
HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT
MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat!"


21 Apr 13 - 11:24 AM (#3506609)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Jack the Sailor

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do
know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the
electric chair.


30 Apr 13 - 11:34 AM (#3510433)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: gnu

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?

ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

The Christian Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."

Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.

IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!


04 May 13 - 01:39 PM (#3511631)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

Tips for a Happy Marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. She told me never to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" And I said "Dust!"


06 May 13 - 09:34 AM (#3512092)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"English Bagel"

"Hello Mrs. Miller," said the bearded guy
behind the counter at the bagel shop.

My husband and I looked at him but drew
complete blanks. "I'm sorry, do we know
each other?" I asked.

"Yeah, you was my English teacher."

Leaning over, my husband whispered,
"Good job, Honey, good job."


"Gud Speling"

Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good
spelling. So, when an associate e-mailed
technical documents asking me to "decifer"
them, I had to set him straight.

I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not
an f. In case you've forgotten, spell checker
comes free with your software."

A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be
dephective."


08 May 13 - 09:49 AM (#3512999)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Dormitory Rules"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed
the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for
all male students, so too the male dormitory to
the female students. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined $50 the first time. Anybody
caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur
a hefty fine of $350.

"Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "Err...
How much for a season pass?"

---------------


"The Stork's Function"

Two storks were sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby
stork. Baby stork was crying and crying, and father stork was
trying to calm him, "Don't worry, son. Your mother will
come back. She's only bringing people babies and making
them happy."

The next night, it was father's turn to do the job. Mother and
son were sitting in the nest, son was crying, and mother said,
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now
he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork parents were desperate. Their son
had been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he
returned, and the parents asked him where he'd been all night.
Said the baby stork, "Nowhere in particular. Just scaring
the hell out of college students!"


12 May 13 - 06:38 PM (#3514341)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

Just in time for Mother's Day:

"A Birthday Gift To Grandson"

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday
gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water
pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the
nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom
and said,

"I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how
we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."Oh, I remember...."

---------------------------------

"The Images Of A Mother"

4 years of age:  my Mommy can do anything!

8 years of age:  my Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 years of age:  my Mother doesn't really know quite
*everything.*

14 years of age:  naturally, Mother doesn't know that,
either.

16 years of age:  Mother? Oh, she's hopelessly
old-fashioned.

18 years of age:  that old woman? She's way out
of date!

25 years of age:  well, she might know a little bit
about it.

35 years of age:  before we decide, let's get Mom's
opinion.

45 years of age:  wonder what Mom would have
thought about it?

65 years of age:  I wish I could talk it over with Mom...


-----------------------------


"Heavenly Mother"
{DO take it with a grain of salt, please!!}

A very devout nun dies and goes to heaven. Upon
arrival, she is greeted with ceremony and honor and
told she may immediately have any wish she
chooses while her place is prepared for her.

She humbly and politely replies that she would like
an audience with Holy Mary, if this is possible. Peter
agrees on the spot and escorts her personally to a
little door, hitherto unnoticed in the great vault of the
firmament. He knocks softly. There's a murmured
reply from within, and he opens the door and indicates
to his guest to enter.

Within, sitting in a plain chair is a middle-aged Jewish
woman in the garb of the first century knitting.

The nun sits reverently for some time at Mary's feet
and finally gestures so as to ask a question. Mary looks
up from her knitting and indicates it is OK to ask.

"Reverend Mother, please tell me, you were chosen
from all women to be the mother of God.   You are a
simple Jewish woman, I know.  But if you could, just
give me an inkling of what it felt like when it happened
when Jesus was born?"

With a distant look in her eyes, Mary replies,
"Vell, Ich vaist a Maydel...."  ***

*** "Well, I wanted a girl..."


22 May 13 - 06:41 AM (#3517910)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Roger the Skiffler

Bands coming to the open mic to do 2-3 numbers don't have time or space to set up a drum kit so increasingly they bring a cajon. Last night there were three. The sound man quipped:"If there had been any more we could have held a cajonference".

RtS
(Maybe you hadda been there!)


01 Jun 13 - 11:18 AM (#3521563)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

The Golf Nut

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

"So, before I get a box out of my jacket pocket and ask you a life- changing question, it's only fair to warn you: I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too. But, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. "Uhh.. Well..."

He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball...."


01 Jun 13 - 06:04 PM (#3521673)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F

Q. Who was Aristotle's purple pupil?

A. Alexander the Grape.


01 Jun 13 - 09:32 PM (#3521731)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy

We had trouble making room for the extra people at the Chinese restaurant because the chairs were unscootable.


24 Jun 13 - 09:23 PM (#3530011)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Park Bench"

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced
around and decided to stretch out her legs on
the seat and relax. After a while a beggar came
up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us
going for a walk together."

"How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not
one of your cheap pickups!"

"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you
doing in my bed?"


<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>


       Quote du Jour

"186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea,
it's the LAW!"
-- Anonymous


<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>


"No, Thank You!"

A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale
restaurant in the East End of Manhattan, and
took a seat at the bar.

The bartender came over and asked "What
can I get you to drink, sir"?

The gentleman responded, "Nothing, thank
you. I tried alcohol once, didn't like it, and
never tried it again."

The bartender was a bit perplexed, but being
a friendly, outgoing sort, he pulled out a pack
of cigarettes and offered the gentleman a
cigarette.

The gentleman refused, saying, "I tried
smoking once, didn't like it, and never did it
again. The point is, I wouldn't be in here at
all, except that I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender retorted, "Your only child, I
presume?"


24 Jun 13 - 10:33 PM (#3530024)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F

First nun (whispers): "I hear there's a case of syphilis in the kitchen."
Second nun (brightly): "Good! I've been getting tired of that Beaujolais."

*

Customer (irritated by the waiter's persistently scratching his ass): "Do you have hemorrhoids?"
Waiter: "Only what's on the menu, sir."


06 Jul 13 - 12:02 PM (#3534389)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Buying A Gun"

A woman went into a sporting goods store to buy
a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she told the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she said. "He doesn't even know
I'm going to shoot him!"


07 Jul 13 - 12:23 AM (#3534559)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Andrez

Texan in Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?


Not sure if I've posted this before, but hey so what? Enjoy, cheers folks!

Andrez


09 Jul 13 - 06:07 AM (#3535367)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Roger the Skiffler

THE GUNFIGHTER

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high – tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse, and it won't hurt as much.


RtS


11 Jul 13 - 06:38 PM (#3536483)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Changing Diapers"

During a long trip, my wife and I stopped at a
gas station to, amongst other things, change
our son's diaper. Being a considerate husband,
I carried my son back to the men's room to
take care of it, rather than letting my wife do it.

I noted the baby changing station sign on the
ladies' room door, but lack of one on the men's
room door. Sure enough, upon entering the
men's room, I saw the only available wall space
was taken up by a condom machine.

While taking my son back to give to my wife,
I thought of the message the condom
manufacturers might be trying to get across:
"If you'd used our product, you wouldn't need
a baby changing station in the men's' room."

----------------------

"Ham Sandwich"

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick
slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty
of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The
corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it
to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with
both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly
at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son)
while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and
shoulder and was reaching again for the ham
sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on
my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with
my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each
hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do,
only I did it on my tongue. Later my wife said,

"Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"


12 Jul 13 - 03:42 PM (#3536802)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Things To Ponder"

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called
the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary,
how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where
did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean
the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball
game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they
are made for sitting?

11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is
"after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make
the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy"
opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean
opposite things?

15. Why do they call it a TV set when you only
have one?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have
to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the
audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia,
can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of
a remote control when you know the batteries
are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and
garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we
clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the
bottle?

26. What is the synonym for "thesaurus"?


13 Jul 13 - 01:12 PM (#3537039)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Dead Horse

A group of 3rd, 4th, & 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I do appreciate your help.'


13 Jul 13 - 02:15 PM (#3537057)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link

did you hear what the proud mormon said?
"i love both my wives equally- is'nt that bigomy"


15 Jul 13 - 02:22 AM (#3537529)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion

Counsel: So you say the prisoner was drunk?

Witness: He was as drunk as a judge!

Judge: Surely you mean 'as drunk as a lord'?

Witness: Yes, My Lord.


~M~


16 Jul 13 - 09:25 AM (#3538021)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Woooooo! Woooooo!"

There were two Indians and a white fellow walking
along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden,
one of the Indians took off and ran up this hill to the
mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the
cave..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then
listened very closely until he heard the answer...
"Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore
off his clothes and ran in to the cave.

The white fellow was puzzled and asked the other
Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy
or something?

"No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us
Indians, and when you see a cave and holler "Woooooo!
Woooooo! Woooooo!" and get an answer back, that means
that she is in there waiting for you."

Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw
another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave,
then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo!
Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo!
Woooooo! Woooooo!" off came the clothes and
into the cave he rushed.

The white guy (a blond?) started running around
the desert looking for a cave to find these women
that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden,
he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he
looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look
at the size of that cave! It's bigger than the ones
that those Indians found. There must really be
something really great in this cave!"

Well, he took off up the hill at a super-fast speed
with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in
front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo!
Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard
the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!!
WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big
smile on his face, he raced into the cave.

The next day the newspaper headlines read, "NAKED
MAN RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!!!"


16 Jul 13 - 09:54 PM (#3538302)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Andrez

Groan, I saw it coming !!!!!

Cheers,

Andrez


17 Jul 13 - 10:14 AM (#3538457)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Newly Rich"

The nouveau-riche real-estate developer splurged
on a Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow and couldn't wait
to show it off. So after a meeting with the bank, he
offered one of the senior officers a ride home.

"Whaddaya think?" he couldn't resist asking his
passenger after a mile or two. "Pretty classy, eh?
I bet you've never ridden in one of these before."

"Actually, I have," replied the banker graciously,
"but this is the first time in the front seat."


17 Jul 13 - 05:54 PM (#3538665)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST

Worth a listen and view. Not appropriate for children: language.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/0ilMx7k7mso


19 Jul 13 - 09:56 AM (#3539274)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"The Paintings"

Liz went to her first show at an art gallery
and was looking at the paintings. One was a huge
canvas that had black with yellow blobs of
paint splattered all over it. The next painting
was a murky gray color that had drips of purple
paint streaked across it.

Liz walked over to the artist and said, "I don't
understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explained the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"


19 Jul 13 - 05:10 PM (#3539473)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion

A great lady had a vacancy on her staff for two senior footmen, and her housekeeper advertised for them in the appropriate journals. Two friends who had worked together for a time as junior footmen applied for the post, and were called to interview. As this was a fairly senior post, the lady decided to interview them herself.

"You have answered my questions most satisfactorily," she said. "Just one more thing. My footmen's livery includes knee breeches, in which they must look smart. So, if you would not mind, please roll your trousers up to the knee so that I can see that your calves are sufficiently shapely.

"Thank you. That is excellent. It only now remains for me to see your testimonials."







Said one to the other as they walked sadly away from the back door ~~

"If you hadn't been so bloody ignorant, we'd have got that job!"

~M~


20 Jul 13 - 10:10 AM (#3539709)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

New Miracle Drugs For Women

BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"

ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.

FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours!


20 Jul 13 - 10:26 AM (#3539713)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Ernest

A little boy comes to President Obama, tugs him at the sleeve and says:

"Is it true what my daddy says: you can look in my computer?"

Answers Obama: "This is not your daddy".


20 Jul 13 - 10:56 AM (#3539723)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: WalkaboutsVerse

Since The Open is on: a couple of golfers were in the middle of a round when thunder and lightning began to crack from the leaden skies. Suddenly, one pulled out a 1 iron and held it up high. "What on earth are you doing?", cried his partner. "There's lightning about!". To which came the calm reply: "Not even God can hit a 1 iron."

And here's my poem cum song on golfing lingo: "Lingolf" - http://writeoutloud.net/public/blogentry.php?blogentryid=26807


20 Jul 13 - 06:12 PM (#3539851)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F

A prospective immigrant to Australia is being interviewed. The examiner asks: "Have you ever been arrested?" The applicant raises his eyebrows & says "I didn't realize that was still a requirement".


24 Jul 13 - 09:17 AM (#3541165)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

New Miracle Drugs For Women

BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"

ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.

FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours!


25 Jul 13 - 09:21 AM (#3541524)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Men Are Like..."

Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much
interest.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just
LOOK SILLY.

Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking
up their crap.

Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out, and never have enough
memory.

Men are like.....Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them
anywhere.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your
hair.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and
they need dough.

Men are like.....Place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push
them around.

Men are like ... Road Kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

Men are like ... Soap Operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything
you hear.

Men are like ... Old Car Tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have
a spare.

Men are like ... Plastic Wrap
Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.


25 Jul 13 - 11:14 AM (#3541577)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy

Back to the Open:
"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air." - Jack Benny


28 Jul 13 - 09:41 AM (#3542695)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion

Doctor: Big breaths.

Patient: Yeth. And I'm not even thickthteen!

~M~


28 Jul 13 - 07:27 PM (#3542919)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Van

Always remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that if you can't afford a trawler you can always have a tug.


28 Jul 13 - 08:06 PM (#3542929)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Steve Shaw

Man goes to doctor.

Doc: You're going to have to stop masturbating.

Man: But why???

Doc: Because I'm trying to bloody examine you!


28 Jul 13 - 08:06 PM (#3542930)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Steve Shaw

Man goes to doctor.

Doc: You're going to have to stop masturbating.

Man: But why???

Doc: Because I'm trying to bloody examine you!


28 Jul 13 - 08:07 PM (#3542931)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Steve Shaw

Maybe even the second attempt to examine him failed.


28 Jul 13 - 08:12 PM (#3542932)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Steve Shaw

Exclusively for those who never open religion threads (well done you):

Two blokes came knocking on my door last Sunday morning. All they wanted to talk about was vacuum cleaners.

I thought "Bloody Jehoover's Witnesses..."


06 Aug 13 - 08:57 PM (#3546352)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

My Medical Checkup

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

"Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?

I said, "No, I've heard that all 'red meat' is very unhealthful!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy people?"

"No," I said, "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 90?"


07 Aug 13 - 02:03 AM (#3546415)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion

Uncle Dave's joke above reminds me of a fine Andy Capp cartoon ~~

Old Man: I don't drink and I don't smoke, and next week I shall celebrate my 90th birthday.

Andy [puzzled]: How?

~M~


08 Aug 13 - 12:54 AM (#3546792)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,DaveA

A bloke came home from work to find a "post-it" note on the fridge from his wife.

It read: It's not working. I'm going to stay with Mum for a while.

He scratched his head for a bit & then opened the fridge door.

The light came on and he grabbed a cold beer.

"F*ck it", he said. "What's her problem"???


11 Aug 13 - 10:23 AM (#3547883)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Predicting The Future?"

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the
exact day of the year that he was going to die.
It was the right year too. Not only that, but he
knew what time he would die that day, and
he was right about that too."

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he
know all of that?"

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."


11 Aug 13 - 11:58 AM (#3547910)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

The Best Pub in the World

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newfoundlander were sitting in a bar in Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," admitted the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times."


11 Aug 13 - 07:01 PM (#3548019)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Bert

I just posted this on the "stupid" thread...

In an email that I received from Netflix.

------------------------

Please click the link below to contact corporate communications:

https://signup.netflix.com/MediaCenter/ContactPR

**Please note that this email address is not actively monitored by Netflix staff and any replies will not be answered.

----------------------------

How's that for customer service?


12 Aug 13 - 12:15 PM (#3548218)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy

Made sense to me?? Click the link, don't click Reply?


14 Aug 13 - 08:27 AM (#3548913)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Pete Jennings

Just received this email from a mate of mine:



A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them...

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"               

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
















































Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.




LOL!


15 Aug 13 - 07:21 AM (#3549299)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written... For 95 points:    Which tire?


15 Aug 13 - 07:48 PM (#3549625)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F

Likewise, once upon a time, Groucho Marx was interviewing a medium. He asked, "Can I ask you *anything*?" "Anything," said the medium, "Nothing is hidden from the spirit world." "What's the capital of North Dakota?"


18 Aug 13 - 08:57 PM (#3550557)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came along too close and completely tore off the driver's door. A cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to speak, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any auto body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "You don't even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!"


19 Aug 13 - 03:02 PM (#3550786)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy

OK, since this is a true story, it takes a little setting up. And you have to be familiar enough with Family Guy to remember that certain electronic music is associated with gays dancing.

So I'm walking by my adult son's room as he's getting ready to get into the shower, and when I stop to chat he goes into a stripper routine and goes thump thump electronically at the same time. I say, I see that you're being a stripper, but why the gay music? He looks at me like I'm an idiot and says, Because I'm a stripper.

That's when it dawned on me...


...he wasn't cross-undressing.


22 Aug 13 - 10:04 AM (#3551737)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Breaking It Off"

Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee
that he had to break off their engagement so
he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman
asked between sobs.

"Not on her best day," he replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

"No, she's broke."

"Well, then, is it sex?"

"Nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what can she do that I can't?"

"Uhh . . . Sue me for child support."


24 Aug 13 - 06:38 PM (#3552493)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Strange Collar"

An old Jewish man was once on the subway, and he sat
down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young
man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never
seen a priest before, he asked the man,

"Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on
backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered,
"I wear this collar because I am a Father."

The Jewish man thought a second and responded, "Sir,
I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why
do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the
Father for many."

The Jewish man quickly answered, "I too am the father
of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many
grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like
everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated
thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the Father for
hundreds and hundreds of people."

The Jewish man was taken aback, and was silent for a
long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he
leaned over to the priest and said,

"Err . . .   Mister, perhaps, you should wear your pants
backwards."


01 Sep 13 - 09:32 AM (#3554998)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"This Bull Reproduced..."

This couple went to an agricultural show way out in the
countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and were watching the
auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announced the first bull to be
auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced
sixty times last year."

The wife nudged her husband in the ribs, and commented,
"See! That was more than five times a month!"

The second bull was now to be sold: "Another fine specimen.
This wonder reproduced a hundred twenty times last year."

Again the wife bugged her husband: "Hey, that's some
ten times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband was getting really annoyed with this
comparison.

The third bull was up for sale: "And this extraordinary
specimen reproduced three hundred sixty-five
times last year!"

The wife slapped her husband on the arm and yelled,
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about
YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yelled back,
"Sure, once a day!....... But ask the auctioneer if
they were all with the same cow!!!"

------------------

"Vet's Pills"

A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but needed
to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who
lent the money came by a week later to see how his
investment was doing. The farmer complained that "The bull
just eats grass and won't even look at the cows." The
banker suggested that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returned to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looked very pleased: "The bull has serviced all
my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my
neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," said the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," said the farmer, "but they sort of taste
like chocolate."


02 Sep 13 - 09:59 AM (#3555356)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"The Emotional Male"

One night a wife found her husband standing over their
newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he
stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on
his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight,
amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions
it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms
around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody
can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"

-----------

"The Evolution Of Mom"

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood
also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways
having a second and third child differs from having your
first:

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon
as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as
possible.

-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular
clothes.

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice
pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your
great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and
see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you
remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-
coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's
little bureau.

-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are
clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a
frown--you pick up the baby.

-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten
to wake your firstborn.

-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the
mechanical swing.

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics,
Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and
the dry cleaner.

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter,
you call home 5 times.

-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you
remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only
if she sees blood.

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at
the baby.

-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure
your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.


03 Sep 13 - 09:01 AM (#3555646)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Cutting Class"

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the
hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're
cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like
it's like I really don't like think like that's really
important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like
I don't get anything out of it."

"It's Mrs. Dulls' English class, isn't it?" replied
the smiling teacher.


03 Sep 13 - 10:55 AM (#3555706)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST

The past, present, and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.


10 Sep 13 - 03:00 PM (#3557869)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
             These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

            FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
            8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
            ___________________________________________
            FREE PUPPIES
            1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
            ________________________________________________
            FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
            Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound..
            _______________________________________________________
            COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

            ________________________________________________________
            JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
            Must sell washer and dryer £100.
          _____________________________________________________________
            WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
            Worn once by mistake.
            Call Stephanie.
            ___________________________________________________________
            And the WINNER is...FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
            Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
            No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
            (Statement of the Century)
            ___________________________________________________________
            Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
            "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
            ____________________________________________________________
            Children Are Quick
            TEACHER: Why are you late?
            STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
            ____________________________________
            TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
            JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
            __________________________________________
            TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
            GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
            TEACHER: No, that's wrong
            GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
            (I Love this child)
            ____________________________________________
            TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
            DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
            TEACHER: What are you talking about?
            DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
            __________________________________
            TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
            WINNIE: Me!
            __________________________________________
            TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
            GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
            _______________________________________
            TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
            MILLIE: I is..
            TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
            MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
            ________________________________
            TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
            LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
            ______________________________________
            TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
            SIMON: No sir, I don't have to; my Mom is a good cook.
            ______________________________
            TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
            CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
            (I want to adopt this kid!!!)
            ___________________________________
            TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
            HAROLD: A teacher.
            __________________________________

            Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.


20 Sep 13 - 09:10 AM (#3560040)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Adam's Rib"

In Sunday School, they were teaching how
Lord created everything, including human
beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when
they told him how Eve was created out of
one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him
lying down as though he were ill, and said,

"Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded,
"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."


----------------

"Adam and Eve"

When Adam stayed out very late for a few
nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women,"
she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep,
only to be awakened by someone poking
him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam
demanded.

"Counting your ribs."


20 Sep 13 - 10:24 AM (#3560058)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Donuel

I have come to practice what I speak. It pays to advertise, hypnotize and even wear ties...
Here is the ad copy for my current work.


In a world where every prayer, every need want and desire of extreme conservative America has come to life, one man made it his life's mission to show you who when where and why such a heavenly hell erupted from the backed up bowels of the Earth.

Coming soon, Donuel's mega cartoon: 'If their prayers were answered' is in such detail it includes the complete new constitution, US map and ball dropping text revealing the "Merica" they always thought they wanted.

The New York Times Gazette critics report; 'If their Prayers' is in such detail you can walk into this parallel universe and smell the wind blow ultimate conservatism over the mountains of wealth, through the bunkers of corporatism and over the stench of cadaver filled cesspools of pure philosophically ideal conservative strength.

Without a doubt "If Their Prayers Were Answered" is defundamentally the best cartoon the world has ever seen, will ever see and is even now becoming our reality more and more every day.

COMING Halloween day 2013. For Real.









This Donuel cartoon is not yet rated. Any resemblance to any person living or dead or living dead is not coincidental and is responsible for the physical and psychological changes that this cartoon will cause when combined with hypnosis drugs and alcohol. Warning: Donuel is so mesmerizing that when your people get in touch with his people they forget about you and become forever free.


20 Sep 13 - 03:04 PM (#3560102)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F

"There's a hint of fall in the air."
"Don't talk with your mouth full."


21 Sep 13 - 12:58 PM (#3560153)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy

I'm reminded of some European anti-fascism-during-fascism movies where they said in the disclaimer that it was a work of fiction and that any resemblance to the actual government was merely inevitable.

Can't wait, Donuel.


24 Sep 13 - 08:53 AM (#3560802)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"The Rules for Driving in New York City"

1) When on a one way street, stay to the right
to allow oncoming traffic to pass.

2) Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless
he flings himself under the wheels of your car.

3) The first parking space you see will be the
last parking space you see. Grab it.

4) Never get in the way of a car that needs
extensive body work.

5) Always look both ways when running a red
light.


24 Sep 13 - 12:00 PM (#3560867)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion

I have my own rule for driving in New York City ---












Don't.


24 Sep 13 - 12:07 PM (#3560871)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Bert

MtheGM

I used to have that same rule about London.


03 Oct 13 - 08:48 AM (#3563922)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Late Divorce"

An old couple goes into court for a divorce.
The judge says to them, "I don't understand.
Ted, you're 84 years old, and your wife is 82.
You've been married for sixty years. Why do
you want a divorce now?"

The husband said, "We wanted to wait until
the children were dead!"

-------------------


"Predicting The Future?"

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the
exact day of the year that he was going to die.
It was the right year too. Not only that, but he
knew what time he would die that day, and
he was right about that too."

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he
know all of that?"

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."


05 Oct 13 - 10:01 AM (#3564446)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

The Chicken and the Horse

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley motorcycle. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. The chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse. Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too began to sink. He cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking down underneath he told the chicken to grab his junk and he would lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story (and you know there is one!)?
When you're hung like a horse you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.


06 Oct 13 - 06:20 AM (#3564635)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Andrez

Oh Gawd!!

Cheers,

Andrez


06 Oct 13 - 07:57 AM (#3564658)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion

"What, never?"

"Harley ever."

HMS Pinafore (not)


07 Oct 13 - 05:48 AM (#3564868)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Andrez

Less, less he cried :-)

Cheers,

Andrez


12 Oct 13 - 08:47 AM (#3566276)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"You Must Get Better Marks!"

The little boy wasn't getting good marks
in school. One day he made the teacher
quite surprised. He tapped her on the
shoulder and said...

"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy
says if I don't get better grades.... somebody
is going to get a spanking...."

------------

"My Dad's Richer Than Your Dad!"

Two boys were arguing about whose Dad was
richer.

FIRST BOY: "My Father is so rich he's going
to buy the Pacific Ocean."

SECOND BOY: "So, if you don't shut up, I'll
tell my Father not to sell it."


12 Oct 13 - 06:33 PM (#3566418)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F

A Frenchman told an American friend that he was leaving the Church. The American asked which Protestant denomination he was moving over to. "I have lost my faith," said the Frenchman, "not my mind."


13 Oct 13 - 03:58 AM (#3566482)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Andrez

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, "What do you want it to equal"?

Cheers,

Andrez


13 Oct 13 - 04:10 AM (#3566486)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion

Who is this Ann Doluffsen we are always being told to Bang?


13 Oct 13 - 06:49 AM (#3566503)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Andrez

Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
A2: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter!
A3: None, they're all waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium.

Cheers,

Andrez


16 Oct 13 - 12:43 AM (#3567281)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion

The blonde went into the library, walked up to the desk, and said, "Please, I would like a double cheeseburger without onions, regular fries, and a cola with ice and lemon."

"Madam," said the library clerk looking at her in amazement, "this is a library!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said, dropping her voice to the faintest of whispers. "I'd like a double cheeseburger..."

~M~


18 Oct 13 - 09:17 AM (#3568022)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Oil Change Instructions For Women"

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage
reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, pay with a credit card
and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
$25.00 for oil change
$2.00 for coffee
Total = $27.00

------------

"Oil Change Instructions For Men"

1) Go to auto parts store and pay with a
credit card for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter,
hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full.
Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle,
dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for
jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil
on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and
twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with
him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from
underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a
thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole
in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on
the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and
bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because
wrench hit Miss December (2002) in the left boob.
35) Beer.
36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage
as required to stop blood flow.
37) Beer.
38) Beer.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter
to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving
under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$65.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands:
(hey the colors have to match!!!!)
$3,000.00 Bail
$500.00 Impound and towing fee
$3,690.00 Total

{Well, at least it's under $3,700!}


31 Oct 13 - 09:02 AM (#3571672)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Has Anyone Ever Told You..."

After the Halloween party, as the couple
was driving home, the woman asks her
husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told
you how handsome, sexy and irresistible
to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear,
they haven't."

The wife then softly inquired, "Then what
the heck gave you that idea at the
party tonight?"

----------------

"Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men"

1. Every year you get a brand new crop
to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins
are always ready to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there
waiting for you!
5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just
carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you
can just throw him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has
an empty, mush filled head to begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when
you want him to be.


08 Nov 13 - 08:51 AM (#3573877)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Loose Chickens"

The farmer's son was returning from the market
with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted
to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke
open. Chickens scurried off in different directions,
but the determined boy walked all over the
neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and
returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he
had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned
home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed
sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed.
"You left with seven."


-------


"Fair Compensation"

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and
killed a calf that was crossing the road. The
driver went to the owner of the calf and
explained what had happened. He then
asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher.
"But in six years it would have been worth
$900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check
and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's
postdated six years from now."


09 Nov 13 - 07:15 AM (#3574119)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Andrez

A physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time. The physicist chose the fire, which gave humanity the power over matter. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes -- so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it *know*?"


09 Nov 13 - 08:33 PM (#3574283)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F

Andrez %^): So also, Laura Fermi (Enrico's wife) records that when the family escaped from Italy to the US, they brought a portable radio with them. One of the children admired the cleverness of "that little radio" in learning English so quickly.


10 Nov 13 - 07:31 PM (#3574528)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: HuwG

Footballer David Beckham was often unfairly mocked for his lack of verbal dexterity, it being mistaken for vapidity of lack of brain
cells.

One day, he was supposed to have turned up at Manchester United's training ground with thermos flask. "What's that Dave?" asked his team mates. "Posh got it for me. It's supposed to keep hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold" he replied. "That's clever" said his team mates. "What have you got in it?"

"A cup of tea, and an ice lolly."


11 Nov 13 - 06:24 AM (#3574632)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Andrez

Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math. department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."

Cheers,

Andrez


11 Nov 13 - 09:00 AM (#3574682)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Formality"

A young man said to his girlfriend's father,

"I realize that this is only a formality,...
but would you mind me marrying your
daughter?"

"Who says it's ONLY A FORMALITY?" asked
the father angrily.

"Well, her obstetrician!" replied the young man.


16 Nov 13 - 09:16 AM (#3576223)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Coma"

After a long and serious operation, Lena ended
up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just
couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband
Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see
her, the doctors gave him the bad news.

"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm
afraid," the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber
voice.

Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling
voice said "But doctor, she's so young. She's
only 45."

"37" came the weak reply from Lena.


16 Nov 13 - 09:55 AM (#3576233)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

Girls Night Out

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.


20 Nov 13 - 08:50 AM (#3577334)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"New Game"

There was this Chinese businessman visiting
a newly acquired business in the United States.
As a gesture of good will, the executives of his
newly acquired business took him to a golf
course for a round of golf. He had never played
the game before.

Upon his return to China, his family asked what
he had done in the United States. He replied,
"Played most interesting game. Hit little white
ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name
of game is "Oh crap!"


20 Nov 13 - 09:43 AM (#3577357)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST

Bad day at the course," a guy tells his wife. "Charlie had a heart attack on the third hole."

"That's terrible!" she says.

"You're telling me," the husband replies. "All day long, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie."


20 Nov 13 - 10:05 AM (#3577373)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"


20 Nov 13 - 10:27 AM (#3577387)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong. I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick, right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Checking for bees!" said Tarzan.


20 Nov 13 - 06:36 PM (#3577552)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F

Two Englishmen were waiting in Heathrow Airport.
"I say! Isn't that the Archbishop of Canterbury over there?"
"Nothing like him."
"I'm sure of it."
"Have it your way. Go and ask him."
. . .
"Well, how did it turn out?"
"He was noncommital."
"Noncommital? How so?"
"I asked him if he was the Archbishop of Canterbury, and he told me to fuck off."


23 Nov 13 - 05:18 PM (#3578452)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Fergie

Hi,
I posted this in another thread, but think it also appropriate to post it here. Don't know if it will "translate" on the other side of the pond.

An Englishman, a Scots man and an Irishman were interviewed for a radio program. The compare posed the following question. "What do each of you think is the greatest achievement of mankind?"
The English chap suggest that it was the kidney transplant. When asked to justify his choice he replied that if it wasn't for the kidney transplant his wife would be dead.
The Scot suggest that the liver transplant was his choice, because if it wasn't for the liver transplant he himself would be dead.
The Irishman ponder for a moment and said "I've listened to my fellow contributors and I understand there reasoning, but I'd like to suggest that the greatest invention ever has got to be the Venetian blind". "Why do you consider the Venetian blind to be the greatest invention of all time?" asked the perplexed interviewer. "Well just think about it" replied the Irishman "If it wasn't for the Venetian blind, it would be................................................                                                                                                      







..........................curtains for everybody"


23 Nov 13 - 10:05 PM (#3578499)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity

Bobert's Chili Contest and slab pouring event:


They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a Bobert's proposed concrete slab.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.

Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.

I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb!

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems incline d to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear-end with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

Regards,

GfS


23 Nov 13 - 10:13 PM (#3578500)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity

BLIND CASHIER AT FISHERMAN'S SUPPLY STORE



A woman went to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She didn't know which one to get, so she just grabbed one and went over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She said to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?"

He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opened her purse, her credit card dropped on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he said.

She bent down to pick it up and accidentally farted. At first she was really embarrassed, but then realized there was no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rang up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman was totally confused by this and asked, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replied, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

GfS


24 Nov 13 - 07:02 PM (#3578810)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy

If electricity always goes through the path of least resistance, how come lightning doesn't always strike in France?


30 Nov 13 - 09:27 AM (#3580183)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Injured Son in Law"

A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly
into the doctor's office, deposited him on the
examining table, and said, "See if you can patch
him up soon. I shot up his rear end like it was
a tail on a possum. Don't hurt him none, 'cause
he's my son-in-law."

The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your
son-in-law?"

The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when
I shot him!"


30 Nov 13 - 11:34 AM (#3580216)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Bert

How come a place with a thousand islands only has one kind of dressing?


01 Dec 13 - 12:16 AM (#3580317)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity

Lettuce find out!

GfS


01 Dec 13 - 06:04 PM (#3580516)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy

Ah, yes, honeymoon salad: lettuce alone.


01 Dec 13 - 06:44 PM (#3580533)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Van

Religious salad: lettuce pray.


01 Dec 13 - 08:40 PM (#3580561)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: frogprince

proposition: lettuce...



...never mind....


01 Dec 13 - 10:17 PM (#3580576)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Frank

I always thought Honeymoon Salad was

Lettuce alone without dressing.

The Bride was the Apple of my eye with a Peachy Pear.(Pair)


03 Dec 13 - 11:10 PM (#3581257)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST

Retired guy looking for a part-time job.

Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest fault?

Applicant: Honesty.

Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a fault.

Applicant: I don't give a fuck what you think!


04 Dec 13 - 11:23 AM (#3581411)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,owl glass

A bloke goes into an outback bar waving a revolver and shouting,
"Who's the bastard who's been sleeping with my wife?"
A voice from the shadows replies,
"You ain't got enough ammo, mate."


11 Dec 13 - 08:45 AM (#3583279)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Women's English"

Yes = No.

No = Yes.

Maybe = No.

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...

We need = I want.

It's your decision = The correct
decision should be obvious by now.

Do what ever you want = You'll pay for
this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset,
you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave,
and you sweat a lot.

Be romantic, turn out the lights =
I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I
want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting,
and furniture, and wallpaper.

I heard a noise = I noticed you were
almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask
for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did
something today you're going to hate.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your
shoes and find a good game on TV.

You have to learn to communicate
= Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late,
you're dead.]


-----------------------

"Men's English"

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? =
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd
eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd
eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I'd
eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cle@vage!

You look tense, let me give you a
massage = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted
psychological trauma is it now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight
is out of the question?

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now!

I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now
can we have sex?

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair
= I liked it better before.

Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing
you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?

Will you marry me? = I want to make it
illegal for you to have sex with others.

I don't think that blouse and that skirt
go well together = I'm gay.


17 Dec 13 - 08:43 AM (#3584897)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Santa? Is That You?"

The Santa Claus sat down at the department
store lunch counter and ordered a cup of coffee.
Sitting next to him was a seven year old boy.

"Do you believe in Santa Claus?" asked the weary
Saint Nick.

"No. Santa's for babies!"

"Good for you," replied Santa as he removed his
beard and proceeded to sip his coffee.


17 Dec 13 - 10:22 AM (#3584916)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST

A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog. After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man. However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner. The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him. The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck. By now, the man is getting depressed and frustrated. As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf. She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him. The man thinks for a moment and then responds: "Could you take the dog for a walk?"


23 Dec 13 - 09:02 AM (#3585988)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Christmas Q & A"

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What do you call people who are afraid
of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Why does Santa Claus go down the
chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call a cat on the beach at
Christmas time?
Sandy Claus!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

What do you get when you cross a snowman
with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

How come you never hear anything about the
10th reindeer 'Olive'?
Olive?
Yeah, you know, "Olive, the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names..."

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work, and the fat guy with the
suit gets all the credit.

What is THE main reason Santa is so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty
girls live.


23 Dec 13 - 09:09 AM (#3585990)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

Christmas Carols For Psychiatric Patients

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personalities: We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town (to Get Me)

Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....

Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, Then Maybe I'll Tell You Why!

Attention Deficit Disorder: Silent night, Holy -- oooh look at the kitty! Can I have chocolate? Why is France so far away?

Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock

Bipolar Disorder: O Come, All Ye Faithful -- no, get the hell away from me.

Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Alzheimer's: What Child is This?

Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (Then Took Away...)


24 Dec 13 - 05:01 AM (#3586227)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST

refresh


24 Dec 13 - 05:44 AM (#3586236)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Pete Jennings

Two snowmen in a field. One says to the other, "can you smell carrots?".


24 Dec 13 - 09:36 AM (#3586297)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST

If you see a fat man
Who is jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard
And a red flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling
And laughing away,
While flying around
In a miniature sleigh
With eight tiny reindeer
To pull him along,
Then let's face the fact that
Your eggnog's too strong.


25 Dec 13 - 07:08 AM (#3586513)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST

refresh


29 Dec 13 - 10:39 AM (#3587307)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"A Horse of a Different Color..."

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from
one generation to the next, says that when you discover
you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy
investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other
strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including but
not limited to the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Appointing an intervention team to re-animate the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase the rider's load share.

9. Re-classifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."

11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harness several dead horses together for increased
speed.

13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby
deducting its full original cost.

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's
performance.

15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders
would improve productivity.

16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses
run faster.

17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and
therefore performs better.

18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for
dead horses.

19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for
horses.

20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

21. Apply for a government subsidy to retrain dead horses.


29 Dec 13 - 03:08 PM (#3587373)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy

More carols for the fruitcakes!


30 Dec 13 - 08:46 AM (#3587535)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

"Dormitory Rules"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the
students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, so too the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first
time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time
will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty
fine of $500.

"Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "Err... How
much for a season pass?"

-----------------------

"The Stork"

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby
stork. Baby stork is crying and crying, and father stork is
trying to calm him, "Don't worry, son. Your mother will
come back. She's only bringing people babies and making
them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son
are sitting in the nest, son is crying, and mother is saying,
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now
he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork parents are desperate. Their son
is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he
returns, and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
Says the baby stork, "Nowhere in particular. Just scaring the
hell out of college students!"


30 Dec 13 - 03:56 PM (#3587633)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity

Oh, be forewarned....women don't like these jokes......

         
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting,...so I knew I made it home OK!


The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

         
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

         
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" a she likes to call it.
         

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

         
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
         

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

         
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

         
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

         
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

"No one can go back and change the beginning, but we can start a change today to write a new ending."

GfS


30 Dec 13 - 05:08 PM (#3587653)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

'Twas the Week After Christmas

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house,
I found nothing to fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste,
all the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales, there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared...
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
and the way that I never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
and prepared once again to battle the dirt,

I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter dressed up like a man!"
So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
until all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or cornbread, or pie.
I'll munch on a carrot -- and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
but isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all!!!
.....and to all...a good diet!


01 Jan 14 - 10:47 AM (#3588109)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion

"Oy, Hymie. Terrible news: the doctor says little Abie has an Oedipus Complex."

"Nu, Oedipus-Schmoedipus! What does it matter so long as he loves his mother?"

~M~


01 Jan 14 - 10:48 AM (#3588110)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion

A day late!

So sue me!


01 Jan 14 - 01:41 PM (#3588159)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO

Happy New Year, 2014!

The end of this thread. Please join the fun and
jollity at The First Joke Thread of 2014!

Dave Oesterreich