BS: Things you should only do once... To Thread - Forum Home

The Mudcat Café TM
https://mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=101287
77 messages

BS: Things you should only do once...

02 May 07 - 05:23 AM (#2041034)
Subject: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Liz the Squeak

Ever had one of those days when you think maybe this wasn't such a good idea?

Things you should only do once.

Agree to make 5 costumes for a school play when there are only 5 days before the performance.

Sew black zips into black fabric with black thread when it's late and you're tired.

Sneeze with a mouth full of pins or tacks.

Agree to sing at a wedding in a posh venue and realise you have nothing suitable to wear that isn't black or rainbow striped.

Waste time on the Mudcat when you should be unpicking and restitching all last night's mistakes!

LTS


02 May 07 - 05:25 AM (#2041038)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Georgiansilver

Giving your tits a treat...the rest of the time you would surely want to do it yourself.


02 May 07 - 05:31 AM (#2041044)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: skipy

Eh!
Skipy


02 May 07 - 05:38 AM (#2041050)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Liz the Squeak

I like to treat my tits. They repay me by behaving in an amusing manner, hanging upside down and singing cheery little trills in the mornings. They've gone off me since I put somthing different than sunflower seeds in the feeder, so that's something else I'm only going to do once!

LTS


02 May 07 - 07:40 AM (#2041133)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Georgiansilver

You see Liz dear.....your tits are still very prominent! Part of Mudcat folklore so to speak.


02 May 07 - 07:41 AM (#2041135)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: JohnInKansas

I can sympathize with the sewing ordeal.

When my sister planned her wedding, her bridesmaids all agreed to make their gowns, so she bought patterns and materials for each of them about three months before the date. Four days before the wedding, three of them admitted the "didn't get around to it," so my mother, sister, and I made them in a very frantic "one night stand" (with only approximate fitting dimensions of course).

(As we had only mom's foot-treadle straight stitch Singer sewing machine, I got to do lots of hand stitching on "detail stuff.")

The next day, my sister informed us that she had forgotten about the "flowers" so I got to make her 300 "Kleenex carnations" while the rest of the tribe was at rehearsals and such.

The wedding was lovely. The groom eventually was sort of a dud, but I guess you can't make everything perfect on such short notice.

John


02 May 07 - 07:43 AM (#2041137)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: John Hardly

Wave good-bye from a helicopter.


02 May 07 - 08:07 AM (#2041152)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST,Elfcall

The thought of you sneezing with a mouthful of tacks and needles has had me smiling away to myself - hope there was nothing living in front of you when you did it.

Elfcall


02 May 07 - 08:46 AM (#2041178)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Sorcha

Break your elbow. Mind you, I don't need to do it now, he's done it for me.

Have your entire lower back seize up/spasm.

Spray paint the concrete foundation near the new car.

Drop a $25.00 pizza on the bosses feet.

Ship violin bows in a carpet tube. Use PVC instead.

Crash your motorcycle. (Son did that one for me)

Use Feria brand hair colouring.

Bury your parents.


02 May 07 - 09:18 AM (#2041205)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie

"Bury your parents."

I'd worry if I had to do that more than once. (Unless my family name was Dracula).


02 May 07 - 09:27 AM (#2041213)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Seaking

Move house. Think I remember saying 'never again' last time.

As for sewing, not even once.


02 May 07 - 09:36 AM (#2041224)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Liz the Squeak

Elfcall, there was something in the way... when I sneeze, I habitually turn my head into my right shoulder.


Ouch.


Ouch ouch ouch.



Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.


Bless me.

LTS


02 May 07 - 10:02 AM (#2041246)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: The Fooles Troupe

"Bury your parents."

I waited...


02 May 07 - 12:31 PM (#2041384)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST

Jump out of a plane with a rucksack instead of a parachute!


02 May 07 - 01:02 PM (#2041426)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Bill D

Brush your teeth using a tube of Bryllcreem (which looks VERY like Pepsodent).

Mistake a clove of garlic for a bud of garlic. (an hour with tweezers can undo the worst of that one).

Carelessly unroll your sleeping bag over an ant's nest.


02 May 07 - 01:02 PM (#2041427)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Midchuck

Rape a young ape in a tree...

P.


02 May 07 - 01:10 PM (#2041433)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: beardedbruce

Is this thread of things one SHOULD do, but only once, or for things one should NOT do, but might do one time before one learns better?


Several of the answers here seem to be of the latter.


02 May 07 - 01:14 PM (#2041436)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Liz the Squeak

The latter.

I would also include cleaning teeth with 'Deep Heat' muscle rub - the tube looked very similar to my toothpaste when I was 4 and couldn't read. It's given me a lifelong allergy to any muscle rub - one sniff has me feeling queasy. Having to apply it to another bodypart or person, will make me heave in a spectacular fashion.

LTS


02 May 07 - 01:37 PM (#2041456)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Rapparee

Parachute jump out of a perfectly good, flying, airplane.

Be shot at with hostile intent.

Come to think of it, I don't recommend doing either of these even once....


02 May 07 - 01:39 PM (#2041458)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: beardedbruce

if the latter,


Anything that qualifies one for a Darwin award.


02 May 07 - 02:10 PM (#2041482)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Fibula Mattock

Drive to mongolia in a Nissan Micra
http://feckinirishrovers.googlepages.com/


02 May 07 - 03:52 PM (#2041558)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Severn

Iterate

Gurgitate

Be dundant

fuse my offer


02 May 07 - 04:02 PM (#2041568)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: RangerSteve

Sit on a yellow jackets nest. No, wait, that's not something you should do only once. You shouldn't do it at all. Take my word for it.


02 May 07 - 04:08 PM (#2041574)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST,ib48

Sing at Ryhope workingmens,they dont like guitars.


02 May 07 - 04:18 PM (#2041587)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Deckman

"Things you should only do ONCE!" ... a lady named Martha. Bob


02 May 07 - 05:00 PM (#2041640)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Micca

Drink 7 halfs of Scrumpy with 7 vodka chasers (Milk of Amnesia)


02 May 07 - 06:48 PM (#2041747)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Liz the Squeak

One should try everything once, with the possible exception of incest and folk dancing...

But I'm willing to forego the Scrumpy/Vodka chasers... I like my liver too much.

LTS


03 May 07 - 09:13 AM (#2042201)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST,Minerva

Buy the "No 12" at the craps table.

Although it is far and away the bet most likely to win a one-shot bet in a casino (pays 1 1/2 - to 1), the odds are still against you in the long run, so the more you bet it, the more likely you are to lose it all. If you bet it into the theoretical "long run", you are guaranteed to lose it all.

Somehow I find this philosophically satisfying, as an allegory for so much of life.

It was after Einstein stated emphatically that "God does not roll dice," and was later proven wrong, that it became obvious that nearly the entire universe is ruled by statistics - ranging from where an electron is likely to be in its orbit, to which radioactive nucleus will decay next, to which planets might be capable of supporting life, to which cells will split to make a new critter, to which soldier catches the artillery shell while his buddy doesn't.

Remember the person who was sitting at the computer one morning when a voice came out of nowhere, "Quit jour job, sell all you own, take the cash, go to Vegas." Person thinks nothing of it. Later the voice comes back, "Quit jour job, sell all you own, take the cash, go to Vegas." This goes on periodically for days, "Quit jour job, sell all you own, take the cash, go to Vegas," and the person thinks there may be something to this Voice. After a week, person breaks down, quits the job, sells everything, including the house, goes to Vegas. Voice says, "Go to the Horseshoe Casino." Person goes to the Horseshoe. Voice says, "Bet it all on the "No 12". Person puts the suitcase full of hundreds on the felt, dealer says, "Money plays," Pit Boss says, "Go ahead". Shooter rolls the dice. Twelve. Voice says, "Fuck."


03 May 07 - 03:39 PM (#2042575)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: open mike

The Darwin Awards are filled with once-in-a-lifetime events or last-in-a-lifetime


03 May 07 - 03:45 PM (#2042581)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Little Hawk

"Things you should only do once..."


That would be: Post on this forum your actual real opinion about anything you truly and deeply care about.

And maybe not even once.


03 May 07 - 07:08 PM (#2042733)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Richard Bridge

Marry. If once.


03 May 07 - 08:45 PM (#2042795)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Little Hawk

Hmm. Well, I think for some people that more than one marriage can work fine. It went that way for Buffy Sainte-Marie, for example. She does not appear to regret any of her marriages, going by interviews I've heard...and she's had at least three of them (marriages, that is). She had good things to say about each of them.


03 May 07 - 09:13 PM (#2042818)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Joe_F

Be born.


03 May 07 - 10:11 PM (#2042861)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST,Dani

I also say 'marry'.

And, drive a truck like hell over a mountain with the emergency brake on.

And, throw your life savings into a business that depends upon a partner.

Dani


03 May 07 - 11:50 PM (#2042895)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: mrdux

Backpack fifty miles across the Olympic Peninsula with a psychotic girlfriend.


04 May 07 - 12:22 AM (#2042903)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: katlaughing

Fall in a red ant pile in a skimpy summer suit when only 3 or 4 years old. They bite!!

Mistake sunscreen oil for baby oil when applying to his tender parts!


04 May 07 - 07:21 AM (#2043051)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: kendall

Get pissed off at the plumber who suddenly decides he doesn't want to do the job he agreed to, then tackle it yourself with no experience at all.

It gives "KENDALL, Cellar"! a whole new meaning. I've spent most of the last two days down there.


04 May 07 - 09:49 PM (#2043617)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST,Carl

Try to stop a fan with your finger (did it as a child)

Use a poison ivy leaf as toilet paper during a forest outing.

Run through a fire wearing gasoline underwear:)


04 May 07 - 09:52 PM (#2043619)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST,Carl

When your wife asks if the dress she is wearing looks nice say, "yes it does, but I am not wearing my glasses".


04 May 07 - 10:51 PM (#2043633)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp

Refer to a chimpanzee as a "monkey".

- Chongo


04 May 07 - 11:17 PM (#2043644)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Thomas the Rhymer

Total the Austin Healy you've been restoring for 6 months on a straight four lane road on the way to work... when you are the only car on the road at 4:45 AM... completely sober and awake, and driving below the 40 MPH speed limit... on a crowned roadway covered from guardrail to guardrail with a continuous sheet of black ice 50 meters long...
glancing off said guardrails on both sides of the street twice... with an ex pro baseball pitcher sitting next to you shouting "WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING!" over and over... and after finally managing to get the door to open after much clamouring and banging about with it, getting out of the hulk without a scratch... standing up, and immediately falling down because it is so slick... and spraining your wrist.

And then going right to work as a delivery driver with a tight schedual... and lots of freight.
ttr


05 May 07 - 07:36 AM (#2043833)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Severn

Almost choke to death in church on a styrofoam communion wafer, 'cause they're not going to give you more than the one thimble of wine or spare any Holy Water. I had a sore throat from the flu at the time and went to the service anyway, and luckily, I died from neither the wafer nor embarassment, but I felt like I came close. And I'm sure God was rolling on His heavenly cloud floor nearly pissing himself with laughter. Nearly, I say because as old as He is, I'm sure he maintains some degree of control.

Well, Okay..........So maybe He just chuckled. It didn't seem funny to me at the time, though.


05 May 07 - 09:01 AM (#2043865)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Thomas the Rhymer

Severn... God doesn't laugh at slapstick... that is Man's domain... much to God's chagrin...;^)


05 May 07 - 10:26 AM (#2043905)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Rog Peek

I've not read all, so apologies if this is a repeat.


Chase a Gloucester cheese down Cooper's Hill on Whit Monday!


05 May 07 - 11:58 AM (#2043951)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: JennyO

Put up a new tent in the dark

Weed the garden in the middle of a green ants' nest

Test an electrified fence to see if it's turned on

Try to take a flying leap across a cattle grid (I tried this as a child, imagining that if I went across fast enough, my feet wouldn't get caught in it - I was wrong and still have the scar on the back of my heel to prove it)

Try to take off and fly from a rotary clothesline (another unsuccessful childhood fancy)


05 May 07 - 12:26 PM (#2043967)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: gnu

For me... upon getting a cuff in the back of the head from MY old man, ask, "What the f*** was that for?"

For anyone who has ever been 4 wheeling WAY back in the bush on a hot summer's day, miles away from the closest human (6.7 miles, to be exact - and that was by taking a shortcut through an alder swamp), look at a stream crossing and say, "Where's your spirit of adventure?" I have pics.

Oh yeah.... take pics of the wife to lighten the mood after getting yer truck stuck way back.


05 May 07 - 02:09 PM (#2044006)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST,Carl

Get IT caught in a zipper

Pick your nose in a convertible, in a traffic jam..

Eat corn if you have hemroids

Hold a fire cracker until it explodes

Rush through a barbed wire fence

Wear a good shirt when painting.

Have gas emissions when alone on an elevator (it always stops on the next floor).

Seek out a date at the family reunion.


05 May 07 - 02:11 PM (#2044009)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST,Carl

Mistake a gas emission for the real thing


05 May 07 - 02:16 PM (#2044014)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Little Hawk

"green ants"????????????

I have never seen such a creature. Bad, are they?


05 May 07 - 02:17 PM (#2044017)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Becca72

Clean off the razor you've been using to shave your legs by running your thumb over the blade(that was one of my first shaving experiences...). Duh.


05 May 07 - 02:17 PM (#2044018)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Peace

Pull the pin and let the lever go.


05 May 07 - 02:56 PM (#2044039)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Becca72

When I was a freshman in high school (and thus too young to drive) I worked on the school play. My mother dropped me off at school for rehearsal(on a weeknight) and I told her I didn't know how late I would be but an older friend with a license would bring me home (someone she knew). I walked in at 10:30pm to the screams of "where the HELL have you been?". My answer was " you dropped me off, where the F*&# did you think I was?". I only did that once, I tell ya.


05 May 07 - 08:32 PM (#2044261)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST,Carl

Run on an icy sidewalk with your hands in your pockets


05 May 07 - 08:43 PM (#2044266)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Tootler

Absail off the bridge into How Stean Gorge.


05 May 07 - 08:43 PM (#2044267)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST,Peter Woodruff

End The War To End All Wars!

Peter


05 May 07 - 08:51 PM (#2044272)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Peace

Smoke two splifs before tuning a 12-string guitar.


05 May 07 - 09:23 PM (#2044293)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Alice

Hike up to delicate arch in Arches Naitonal Park without taking any water along! (oops, that is another one not to do at all)
Some boy scouts went by me the other way and I almost stopped them when I heard the sloshing of their water canteen. Duh!


06 May 07 - 04:06 AM (#2044418)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: JennyO

Trip going down steps and put out my left hand to break my fall. It took pins, plates and several operations over a couple of years to put my smashed wrist back together again with some semblance of normality. Miraculously, 5 years later, it is almost as good as new with little more than a bunch of scars to remind me.


06 May 07 - 08:36 PM (#2044895)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST

Lick the ice inside the refrigerator freezer compartment - an experience EVERYONE should experience ONCE


06 May 07 - 08:42 PM (#2044897)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Peace

In Canada we are much too intelligent to do something that foolish. We put our tongues on aluminum door handles and iron gates instead. I actually know someone who did that twice. (It wasn't me. I tried just once.) I think he's in the House of Commons now. Elected.


06 May 07 - 08:44 PM (#2044901)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Peace

Oh yeah. I have read most of this thread. Hope I didn't miss a post or two.

No one has mentioned pissi/peein/urinati/passing water on an electric fence.


06 May 07 - 08:52 PM (#2044907)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST

Good Point PEACE...

Not ALL electric fences carry power....so once, twice, twenty times.....and then the urethra, bladder, abdomin, brain get charged, (if it was orgasmic the queers/lesbos would be buying more than vibrators)

OUCH! ULCERATION! BURN! BRUTALITY (why are these things legal?)


06 May 07 - 09:27 PM (#2044918)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Gurney

If you share a forkhoist with someone who handles Caustic Potash....
You WILL only once.....go for a pee without washing your hands before as well as after.

Put too much weight on a Mini roofrack. Good job I had two-wheeler experience.

Try to run a vintage car as regular transport.


06 May 07 - 10:00 PM (#2044930)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: bobad

Insert your contact lenses after chopping habanero peppers.


06 May 07 - 11:42 PM (#2044976)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: JennyO

I keep being reminded of other things -

Apply Deep Heat rub, not wash your hands, then absent-mindedly rub your eyes a bit later. The habanero peppers sound even worse, though!

Another one - put the kettle on the gas with the whistle not in place, then forget all about it and let it boil dry. Unfortunately I've done this more than once, but I seem to have a very forgiving kettle.

I'm surprised just how many things there are in this category. I'm sure I'll think of more....


06 May 07 - 11:54 PM (#2044979)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Peace

Keep the lock de-icer in the glove compartment/box.


07 May 07 - 03:25 AM (#2045043)
Subject: RE: BS: ...
From: Barry Finn

Things you should only do once

DIE, I've done it a couple times so far & gotten away with it too, but I don't recommend trying it & I don't want to have to go through it again either but given the choice if I had to do it again, I'd want the same outcome.

Barry


07 May 07 - 04:31 AM (#2045064)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Micca

to continue the "hand....skin" theme
apply Deep heat(sim to Bengay in USA) to husbands back, then lovingly caress his wedding tackle before washing hands,(My SiL did)


07 May 07 - 05:36 AM (#2045075)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Sandra in Sydney

following on from Guest, 06 May 07 - 08:36 PM "Lick the ice inside the refrigerator freezer compartment"

This is NOT a friend-of-a-friend Urban Myth, but years ago when a friend was living in tropical Darwin in north Oz, one of her friends leant into the chest freezer while topless ...


07 May 07 - 09:35 AM (#2045155)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Rapparee

Pickle hot peppers, don't wash your hands, play with the toilet paper before use.... Not me, but someone I knew.....

Decide to open a metal latch with your bare hands when your hands are sweaty damp and it's -34 F. Again, not me.

Shoot a nice, fresh cow flop with a 12-bore shotgun (yes, me). The shot buries itself in the ground, but the "results" splash in a V-shape, missing the shooter but spattering friends to his right and left and making them VERY unhappy....


07 May 07 - 09:42 AM (#2045160)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Midchuck

Another one - put the kettle on the gas with the whistle not in place, then forget all about it and let it boil dry. Unfortunately I've done this more than once, but I seem to have a very forgiving kettle.

I do this about every six months to a year. I do not have a very forgiving kettle. I keep telling my wife we should get one of those electric kettles with an automatic shutoff on a thermostat, and she says, "We don't need that, just pay attention."

Usually it happens when I put the water on and then get into something on the computer. It's been Mudcat's fault more than once. I could send Max more money if I didn't keep buying new teakettles.

Peter


07 May 07 - 10:05 AM (#2045172)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: JennyO

Yeah, I blame Mudcat too. Life's too short to watch kettles boil.

On the other hand, I have deliberately chosen not to have an electric jug and opt for the kettle instead. I love having a gas stove, and to me, having a kettle boiling cheerfully on it is so much nicer and home-ey. Electric jugs with automatic cut-off and all that, seem rather soul-less to my way of thinking.

It's probably because as a child we had a gas stove, but then as an adult I lived in a series of houses that always seemed to be all electric. It's only been in the last few years that I have been fortunate to be in a house with gas again.

Which reminds me - we also had an old washing machine with a wringer. That was when I found out something else I should only do once - get a little too close to the wringer when feeding in clothes. It gobbled my arm up to the elbow before I managed to release the thing. Miraculously there was very little harm done - those wringers are sorta soft, and tend to move out of the way a bit - but it gave me an awful fright!


07 May 07 - 07:25 PM (#2045598)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST,Carl

Miss a spot when applying sun screen.


08 May 07 - 07:57 AM (#2045991)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Liz the Squeak

Sunbathe naked over a rock and fall asleep face down... those cracks are used more often than you'd think.

I've NEVER sunbathed nekkid, but I know a man who has.... he's only done it the once though!

LTS


08 May 07 - 08:29 AM (#2046018)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: beardedbruce

better than face-UP.


09 May 07 - 02:27 AM (#2046755)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: Gurney

Set fire to chili powder.
One breath will stop your lungs. I did it whilst trying to dry it out in a microwave. 3 cats hit the catdoor like a machine gun.

'Spaw did it too, I think. Once.


09 May 07 - 11:31 PM (#2047560)
Subject: RE: BS: Things you should only do once...
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp

Yeah, that is a real good way to wake up a room fulla lazy apes too. You never seen such a ruckus in all your life.

- Chongo