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BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006

lady penelope 30 Dec 06 - 03:50 PM
Liz the Squeak 30 Dec 06 - 10:06 AM
Rapparee 30 Dec 06 - 08:26 AM
Rapparee 29 Dec 06 - 04:28 PM
Liz the Squeak 29 Dec 06 - 04:24 PM
lady penelope 29 Dec 06 - 03:30 PM
SINSULL 29 Dec 06 - 10:09 AM
Rapparee 29 Dec 06 - 08:54 AM
Stilly River Sage 28 Dec 06 - 11:00 PM
Rapparee 28 Dec 06 - 10:56 AM
Rapparee 27 Dec 06 - 07:45 PM
Liz the Squeak 27 Dec 06 - 06:03 PM
Rapparee 27 Dec 06 - 05:21 PM
SINSULL 27 Dec 06 - 10:49 AM
MMario 27 Dec 06 - 08:43 AM
artbrooks 27 Dec 06 - 07:28 AM
Geoff the Duck 26 Dec 06 - 05:32 PM
Liz the Squeak 26 Dec 06 - 05:18 PM
Rapparee 26 Dec 06 - 01:36 PM
Liz the Squeak 26 Dec 06 - 10:57 AM
Liz the Squeak 25 Dec 06 - 05:16 PM
artbrooks 25 Dec 06 - 02:04 PM
Rapparee 25 Dec 06 - 11:36 AM
artbrooks 24 Dec 06 - 07:20 PM
GUEST 24 Dec 06 - 04:00 PM
GUEST 24 Dec 06 - 03:57 PM
Rapparee 24 Dec 06 - 01:58 PM
artbrooks 24 Dec 06 - 11:53 AM
SINSULL 24 Dec 06 - 11:06 AM
SINSULL 24 Dec 06 - 10:58 AM
SINSULL 24 Dec 06 - 10:47 AM
My guru always said 24 Dec 06 - 05:14 AM
Stilly River Sage 24 Dec 06 - 03:18 AM
SINSULL 23 Dec 06 - 05:26 PM
Liz the Squeak 23 Dec 06 - 05:15 PM
SINSULL 23 Dec 06 - 04:25 PM
Stilly River Sage 23 Dec 06 - 02:04 PM
Rapparee 23 Dec 06 - 01:19 PM
SINSULL 23 Dec 06 - 12:43 PM
Rapparee 22 Dec 06 - 12:31 PM
MAG 21 Dec 06 - 07:02 PM
Liz the Squeak 21 Dec 06 - 05:34 PM
lady penelope 21 Dec 06 - 04:49 PM
SINSULL 21 Dec 06 - 01:25 PM
MMario 21 Dec 06 - 12:40 PM
Stilly River Sage 21 Dec 06 - 12:38 PM
SINSULL 21 Dec 06 - 10:00 AM
Rapparee 21 Dec 06 - 08:32 AM
artbrooks 21 Dec 06 - 08:10 AM
My guru always said 21 Dec 06 - 08:00 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: lady penelope
Date: 30 Dec 06 - 03:50 PM

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! kindly leave the cliff......

"And that reminds me -- those folks from Valhalla are dropping by to help celebrate the New Year. They'll be here any minute. Most of them have even bathed."

Bathed? but it's not spring yet?????


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 30 Dec 06 - 10:06 AM

"And that reminds me -- those folks from Valhalla are dropping by to help celebrate the New Year. They'll be here any minute. Most of them have even bathed."

So it's going to be a Loki affair then....


Thorry. I promised I Woden do that...


LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Dec 06 - 08:26 AM

Rising, the angel raises its right hand and he is softly and gently removed from the tree. With its left it brings the horse, now fully saddled and clean, from the jello.

And the little angel was now a very attractive young lady, at least so he thought, but by the way the women present were acting the actual sex was in doubt. He hadn't seen women act like this since that Beatles concert back in...oh, hell, too long ago. Or maybe Elvis, before he got fat and strung out....

And the angel said, "I bring you tidings of great joy, for today is born a barman/maid, whichever your preference, for angels are really cool and can do cool things. Moreover, you can now use Bert's credit card for food and other stuff, because angels have taps to the Inexhaustable Liquor Supplies of Asgard. And that reminds me -- those folks from Valhalla are dropping by to help celebrate the New Year. They'll be here any minute. Most of them have even bathed.

"What'll it be?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Dec 06 - 04:28 PM

"Yes, Ma'am," he says, reverting to his Western Culture. "Them there pickled Rocky Mountain ersters kin fool a feller inta thinkin' they're pickled onions right easy like."

And below, an small angel gives a huge sigh of relief as it sits in a cool tub of water....


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 29 Dec 06 - 04:24 PM

Oi.... Lady P... watch where you're putting them cocktails ticks....

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: lady penelope
Date: 29 Dec 06 - 03:30 PM

Hey, I've found some Twiglets, Hurrah for bar snacks..... at least I think they're Twiglets......

Having had enough egg nog to mark the turn of the year it's back to something a little lighter..... ah....Gibson Martinis.....mmmm......pass me them cocktail onions...... eh?....well they look like cocktail onions...... ach, whatever, if I can get a cocktail stick in 'em, they'll do.....


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: SINSULL
Date: 29 Dec 06 - 10:09 AM

While you are at it Squid, please take that angel down gently. Not a bar stool I think. Maybe he/she can recline on the bar. A little nog with a dash of brandy will make things better.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Dec 06 - 08:54 AM

As he looks upwards to the Angel, he notices tears rolling down the innocent face. The angel opens its eyes, notices him, and says, "Well, it's because Santa had a bad day and told me exactly where to stick this tree, that's why!" and closes its eyes and continues to weep in pain.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 28 Dec 06 - 11:00 PM

Look out below!

That guy in the tree next to the angel has been barfing his guts out all day. . .

Tossing him up into the rafters wasn't such a great idea, squid--he'll hit more area the next time he lets loose. Would you untangle him and maybe shove he and his horse out the back door?

(I fixed it, but it's amazing what the page looks like if you forget to use that close quote in the html!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Dec 06 - 10:56 AM

Oh, yeah. Kinky. Wouldn't have thought it of the horse, squids you can never tell about.

Now, how to get off this damned tree?


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Dec 06 - 07:45 PM

Quietly he straightens his rapier and wipes the...stuff...off his brace of pistols. He walks over to the jello pit, reaches in and grabs a bridle and pulls.

With a huge sucking sound the animal comes loose, and he springs into the saddle, from which he is removed by a large squid tentacle and deposited none-to-gently on the top of the Christmas tree right next to the Angel.

Hmmm, he thinks. A bit of transvestism in the jello pit, me thinks.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 27 Dec 06 - 06:03 PM

Techincally speaking, Santa only appears for one night a year... should we rename this the Grotty Christmas Tavern as Christmas has another 10 days to go!

And no... I'm not still stuck in the can... huge indulgence in sprouts provided the much needed burst of compressed air to pop me out.







Could Bert's card stretch to a new wall do you think?

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Dec 06 - 05:21 PM

Hey! Let's party like it's going to be 2007.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: SINSULL
Date: 27 Dec 06 - 10:49 AM

This has really been a rather sedate crowd. No one died or even got badly singed. Must be the warm weather.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: MMario
Date: 27 Dec 06 - 08:43 AM

What? The party isn't going to last until 2007? WIMPS!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: artbrooks
Date: 27 Dec 06 - 07:28 AM

GtD, did you leave the fat broad stuck in the can?


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 26 Dec 06 - 05:32 PM

As usual, like a caretaker (That's janitor to you USAtians) I open the room and after the mess, close it again.
Bye all!
Quack!
GtD.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 26 Dec 06 - 05:18 PM

As they should be Rap... as they should be!

I'd stand back now if I were you... the beans I had for lunch have worked through.

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Dec 06 - 01:36 PM

Everyone is simply awe-struck by it, LtS.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 26 Dec 06 - 10:57 AM

So once again, and without expelling air this time, my arse silences a thread!

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 25 Dec 06 - 05:16 PM

(the fat broad is stuck in the can again)

You saying I've got a fat arse?

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: artbrooks
Date: 25 Dec 06 - 02:04 PM

"Well," the jolly old elf says as he staggers into the bar. "The sun is coming up on Eniwetok Atoll, and I've had a hell of a long night. I must have eaten thousands of cookies and drunk a lot of cold cocoa. Anybody left around here? No? Well, the sun must be over the yardarm somewhere!" Getting a wave from the squid but no other answer, Santa steps behind the bar and fixes himself an Irish coffee, and then, while walking tiredly to the door, says "time to get Rudolph and the rest of these guys cleaned up and start on my long winter's nap."


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Dec 06 - 11:36 AM

He puts away the trumpet after the last, quiet, rendition of "Stille Nacht". The tree reaches to the roofbeams and is bedecked with lights, candies, ornaments and, here and there, thongs. The floor is sparkling clean, the glasses washed, and the horse and the squid are snoring gently wrapped in each other's appendages. A faint waft of Fresh Lemon Scent wafts from the toilets, indicating their cleanliness.

He seems one last very pissed-off elf exit by the cat door, muttering under his or her breath "Merry Christmas mine arse! You'd think they's clean up after themse...."

And he thinks, Yes, A Merry, Joy-filled, Peaceful Christmas/Hannukah/Solstice/Kwanzaa/Etcetera One and All.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: artbrooks
Date: 24 Dec 06 - 07:20 PM

"All right then," says Santa. "It's just gone midnight in the UK, and it's early Christmas Day in some parts of Europe. Time for me to get off of my dead ass and go to work." So, pulling on his long red coat and (somewhat the worst for wear) black boots, he clomps out through the tavern door. A rather discordant jingling is heard from outside, like out-of-tune bells on nine sets of reindeer harness. Sled runners are heard - briefly - gliding across the snow-packed parking lot. A deep voice saying "Ho, ho, ho buuurp" fades off into the distance.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Dec 06 - 04:00 PM

'Scuse again; I should face up to the responsibility for that last one.   Frogprince, in Minnesota for Christmas.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Dec 06 - 03:57 PM

Heck, with a little tweaking you can make that into a Christmas song:
"Oh. li'l to - own of Beth - le he -e- em..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Dec 06 - 01:58 PM

The man on the floor stirs and says to Santa, "I brung you the horse. Like you asked. I said, 'What can I bring you for Christmas and you said 'Horse' and I didn't catch the rest of it. Santy, it's up to you get get him out of the jello."

And reaching into the saddle bag he pulls out a lovely trumptet and blows a few riffs, nods, and launches into a truly wonderful rendition of "St. James Infirmary."

Not Christmasy, he thinks, but certainly trad.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: artbrooks
Date: 24 Dec 06 - 11:53 AM

Santa, having finished his 5th gallon of strong, black coffee (and his 10th trip to the fetid bathroom (the fat broad is stuck in the can again) is about ready for his annual trek to the four corners of the world. "Now, where are those damn elves with the sack of presents? A reindeer and a yak? Must mean the rest of the reindeer are outside someplace...and get that blasted taffeta cloak off and put on the white harness with the jingle bells! OK...is the sleigh still out in the barn? And has anybody cleaned a year's worth of chicken shit out of it? Do I have to do everything myself?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Dec 06 - 11:06 AM

And that was 100!


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Dec 06 - 10:58 AM

Life ain't no yuk for a yak
Who carries a hunk on his back
An aging Doc Snapper
A bully wife slapper
A fifth rate non musical hack.

HO HO HO

Where is that squid when we need him?


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Dec 06 - 10:47 AM

Oh please don't let him sing. Please! I beg you!

By the way, didn't he just finish a Twelve Step Program? What is he doing in a bar?


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: My guru always said
Date: 24 Dec 06 - 05:14 AM

'David Hasselhof? Christmas Carols in German? Is this what happens when all the Banjoes & Bodhrans are burned? Surely there will be more music in this Grotty Tavern before Christmas!!!! Perhaps if we cleaned the place up a bit?', thought the stray Tabby, who sniffed the air to check progress in the kitchen and then settled down for another nice wash & brush up...


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Dec 06 - 03:18 AM

But on the yak's back is David Hasselhoff, singing christmas carols in German. He's dressed in red and gold (the gray taffeta on the yak is so they don't clash).


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: SINSULL
Date: 23 Dec 06 - 05:26 PM

Life ain't no yuk for a yak
With grey taffeta on his back.
No self respectin' Tibetan
Is about to come get him
Here he sits with the reindeer and cat. (cack?)


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Dec 06 - 05:15 PM

But haven't you seen what they're wearing??










I mean.....













Grey taffeta out of season.... I ask you!!!

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: SINSULL
Date: 23 Dec 06 - 04:25 PM

This really is a boring party. Reindeer? Yaks?


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 23 Dec 06 - 02:04 PM

. . . and a reindeer and a yak who wandered in looking for Santa.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Dec 06 - 01:19 PM

...the horse, who continues to "blow" green bubbles.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: SINSULL
Date: 23 Dec 06 - 12:43 PM

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the North door opens. Then it slams back against the wall as a blizzard of wind and snow washes through the tavern and cleanses the air and the inhabitants.

Loud, heavy thuds resound through the room. Glasses tremble; bottles rattle; the squid freezes; the cat hisses; all eyes turn towards...


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Dec 06 - 12:31 PM

He stirs. He stirs! And like Godzilla, awakened after eons of sleep, he stumbles to his feet and trips over his scabbard.

Once again, face down on the floor, he mutters, "Aw, shit. Again."


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: MAG
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 07:02 PM

Over this way, Lady P. -- fresh batch of homemade nog and all. Can you harmonize?


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 05:34 PM

I don't know why you're complaining about the methane explosions in here... what else did you think the Aurora Buttialis was?

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: lady penelope
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 04:49 PM

I dunno. Come in for a quiet drink, get a load of slime across me face..... There's no egg nog left...how am I gonna make a 'snowball' now? Humph..... ere... I wonder if I can get radio 4 on this chritmas tree......?


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 01:25 PM

A scabby sword???? GRoss. Make sure you sterilize that glass he is using before you give it to anyone else. Or dip it in some of the cheap rotgut under the bar. Anything that will survive that has earned the right to live.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: MMario
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 12:40 PM

as long as he doesn't pull his sword out of the scabbard.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 12:38 PM

I think it is safe to say so.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 10:00 AM

Is that man at the bar playing with himself?


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 08:32 AM

Meanwhile, cradled in his own arms and smiling quietly in his dreams of looting, lechery, and liquor, the highwayman naps on at the base of the bar.

He grins a particularily large grin and his rapier, previously bent into a half-circle, twitches and then suddenly springs straight and true. He murmurs, "Ah, my little booboocitas! Yes, right there!", cradles himself a little tighter, and dreams on.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: artbrooks
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 08:10 AM

...and the cat lands right on Santa's head, as he lies in a puddle of mixed Bushmills and drool! "Aroint," he says blearily. "I suppose it's time to get on with it. Barman, give me a very large {now, is that grande or vente? Who really gives a shit?} coffee with an extra shot of espresso and a Jolt cola!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: My guru always said
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 08:00 AM

MMmmmmeeooowwww!!! , cried the poor stray Tabby who had been scooped from the floor by the Tree coming in through the door and is now hanging by one claw & trying not to break a bauble. As cats do, she surveyed the scene and decided on a course of action and leapt from the branch.....


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