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BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006

Geoff the Duck 18 Dec 06 - 09:59 AM
artbrooks 18 Dec 06 - 10:14 AM
SINSULL 18 Dec 06 - 10:31 AM
Liz the Squeak 18 Dec 06 - 10:59 AM
MMario 18 Dec 06 - 11:23 AM
GUEST,Stiffy The Snowman 18 Dec 06 - 11:34 AM
Amos 18 Dec 06 - 11:37 AM
Leadfingers 18 Dec 06 - 11:41 AM
MMario 18 Dec 06 - 11:53 AM
GUEST,Sick Squid 18 Dec 06 - 12:02 PM
MAG 18 Dec 06 - 12:05 PM
MMario 18 Dec 06 - 12:13 PM
Geoff the Duck 18 Dec 06 - 12:19 PM
Rapparee 18 Dec 06 - 01:27 PM
MMario 18 Dec 06 - 01:36 PM
MMario 18 Dec 06 - 01:51 PM
Stilly River Sage 18 Dec 06 - 02:09 PM
GUEST,Stiffy the Snowman 18 Dec 06 - 02:55 PM
Rapparee 18 Dec 06 - 03:02 PM
MMario 18 Dec 06 - 03:03 PM
SINSULL 18 Dec 06 - 05:36 PM
Lox 18 Dec 06 - 05:43 PM
Liz the Squeak 18 Dec 06 - 06:03 PM
Stilly River Sage 18 Dec 06 - 06:13 PM
My guru always said 18 Dec 06 - 06:27 PM
artbrooks 18 Dec 06 - 06:50 PM
Lox 18 Dec 06 - 07:30 PM
Rapparee 18 Dec 06 - 08:57 PM
GUEST 18 Dec 06 - 08:57 PM
Stilly River Sage 18 Dec 06 - 11:23 PM
Liz the Squeak 19 Dec 06 - 02:55 AM
GUEST,Sick Squid 19 Dec 06 - 04:22 AM
Geoff the Duck 19 Dec 06 - 04:38 AM
Black Beauty 19 Dec 06 - 06:09 AM
Liz the Squeak 19 Dec 06 - 06:14 AM
My guru always said 19 Dec 06 - 07:07 AM
MMario 19 Dec 06 - 08:33 AM
Rapparee 19 Dec 06 - 08:43 AM
MMario 19 Dec 06 - 08:48 AM
My guru always said 19 Dec 06 - 09:30 AM
SINSULL 19 Dec 06 - 10:16 AM
GUEST,Sick Squid 19 Dec 06 - 10:50 AM
Rapparee 19 Dec 06 - 11:09 AM
SINSULL 19 Dec 06 - 11:11 AM
GUEST,Sick Squid 19 Dec 06 - 11:23 AM
artbrooks 19 Dec 06 - 11:57 AM
MMario 19 Dec 06 - 12:00 PM
SINSULL 19 Dec 06 - 01:00 PM
SINSULL 19 Dec 06 - 01:08 PM
MMario 19 Dec 06 - 01:12 PM
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Subject: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 09:59 AM

Where DID I put that winter coat? The one with the fur collar!
Let's try the old wardrobe...
Red coat..
Cord trousers..
Bi bodywarmer - might do...
Oh there seems to be something behind...
I'll just reach through...
Can't feel the back of the wardrobe though...
I'll just have to step inside...
Hey! This doesn't feel like a wooden floor, it's like pine needles!
And it's getting colder...
What's that light ahead?
Hold on, there shouldn't be anything AHEAD, I'm in a wardrobe!











Duck realises that he is now surrounded by trees, snow is falling all around andup ahead, about 20 yards away is a kerosene lamp. The lamp is hanging from the eaves of a very strange shaped log cabin.
Outside the door is a sign which might have the name of the occupier, but plastered over the sign is a large piece of dayglow pink paper upon which somebody has painted the words SATNAS' GROT'O.

Placed under the dayglow sign is a crudely fashioned box chained to the hitching post. The box has a slot in the top, and on the underside is scratched "Propety of Cletus". A scrap of paper with "20 cents" inscribed in a hand resembling a drunken spider is cellotaped to the very dodgy looking collecting box.











Duck decides to investigate further befor parting with hard cash. He slips up to the door. He wasn't ready for the snow and ice so was caught on the hop, and it is difficult not to slide when hopping on sheet ice.
He opens the door a crack, and a blast of hot air almost knocks him off balance again. Nevertheless, he is now determined to find the secret of the log cabin. He pulls the door wide open and sees the elongated bar, the roaring fire surrounded by the empty cases of the banjos and accordiand which are just crackling nicely in the flames. He steps inside an looks off to his right. Is that a squid lounging in a pit full of green jello?
It looks suspiciously as if it might be.

Strange things, these wardrobes, thinks the Duck. It only seems like days since I was last here.........


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: artbrooks
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 10:14 AM

...and a bewhiskered, bleary-eyed face lifts off of the bar, peers over toward him and a rough voice says, "shut the damned door - were you born in a barn? Hey...what day is it? Is it Christmas Eve yet? It seems to me that I need to do something on Christmas Eve, but damned if I can remember what...and have you seen a bunch of reindeer?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: SINSULL
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 10:31 AM

uhhhhhhhh How the helll did I end up here? All did I did was short circuit my neighbors Christmas light display (which unfortunately resembled a crucified snowman with an erection...) and then BLAM I'm here!

What is here??????

Oh NO! IT's HELL! And they're burning banjos! Oh PLEASE! Not the banjos!
Aw CRAP! Reindeer shit! I hate Christmas!


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 10:59 AM

What's unfortunate about a snowman with an erection???

No one ever builds snow ladies with all the bits....

Still, it's somewhere to hang the top hat whilst he's waiting at the bar.

Anyone got any eggnog?? Good.. a huge pitcher full.. great. That'll do for cleaning the toilets out. They've never been the same since I got trapped in there and it's the only decent thing to do with eggnog.

Who the hell drinks that crap anyway?

Ah... Bum hugs.

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: MMario
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 11:23 AM

Liz - The winter my Mom was pregnant w/ my youngest brother we had a pregnant snowwoman in the yard - who got bigger and bigger - until my brother was borne, at which point the snowwoman took on more normal proportions, but had a baby on the breast. then since we were bored , we made the snowdaddy and all eight snow-siblings.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: GUEST,Stiffy The Snowman
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 11:34 AM

Huh, what are you supposed to do if you ARE that snowman?!

I used to have a girlfriend. She was cute, big where she should be big and huge where she should be huge. Nice little bonnet and a red scarf, cute button nose, cherry lips and the lovliest coal black eyes you ever saw.

We hung out together in the yard, getting colder and colder for each other. We were frozen solid in the end. Fantastic time we had there, but she's not into commitment. I was scared she'd just break it off.

So now what do I do??

Stiffy


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Amos
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 11:37 AM

I used to make full-featured snow-women, in my younger years, which drew complaints from the Victorian elderly ladies who drove by at 15 mph. I felt I was striking a blow for freedom, or testosterone, whichever came first...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Leadfingers
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 11:41 AM

I've just realised , its NOT Santa's Grotto - Its The Bar HumBug !


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: MMario
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 11:53 AM

In that case, everyone should be obligated to imbibe three CHristmas spirits. I'll have smoking Bishop, some Mulled Cider and a flaming eggnog.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: GUEST,Sick Squid
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 12:02 PM

Of course I'm in the jello you fools. With this heat I'd end up with dried skin in no time and someone's used all the vaseline. Bloody sailors!

Barman, could you get a double scotch in that pint of "Gutwrench"?
In that case, DO IT!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: MAG
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 12:05 PM

Hi all; here's a bottle of Hennessey's-- too good to throw in the wassail; who's up for shots?


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: MMario
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 12:13 PM

direct injection? me please!


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 12:19 PM

Think I'll check out the bar. Best to know what is on the go this year!
Ah - roast monkey nuts in the orange bowls.
Very annoyed looking monkeys keeping out of reach in the rafters.

Mixed nuts and raisins in the square blue dishes.
Satsumas and mandarin oranges in the raffia baskets.
Oh! And what are those at the far end?
Yellow and brown stripes!
Surely not an infestation of giant bees?
Ah, I see now!
It's the Bar Humbugs in the corner.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 01:27 PM

Outside, the sound of horse's hooves (or hoofs) hammering on the hard highway, the road a ribbon of moonlight over the snow-filled moor.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" comes a scream and, because of the horse's sudden stop on the sheet ice, through the door is thrown a gent in knee-breeches, riding boots, woolen cape, and all that eighteenth-century highwayman get-up. He is immediately followed by a skidding horse with three white stocking, a white blaze on his head, and sporting a Western saddle with silver conchos.

As the door splinters under the impact of horse and rider, there is a long, drawn-out cry of "AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWDSHIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT, Silver!"

The rider picks himself up from the floor, ties his horse to a convenient ceiling post, puts his tricorn hat back upon his head, adjusts his sword, brace of pistols and silken mask, and staggers to the bar.

"Good publican, a rug of bot huttered mum...er, just gimme a big mug of run, please."


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: MMario
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 01:36 PM

A trio of ghostly galleons sail through the window on a stream of moonlight.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: MMario
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 01:51 PM

The first has sails as white as snow....


I wish I could find somewhere the old poem my mother had hanging behind our TV for years and years and years....or she could find where she put it when they moved upstairs.

It was a variation on "I saw three ships" - but there were quite a number of verses - the first ship had white sails and bore the virgin - the second ship has sails "as red as blood" and bore Christ - and the Third ship has sails "as black as death" and bore angels and martyrs.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 02:09 PM

After kicking a smashed box and its tattered sign into the hedge down beside the porch, Sage steps through the broken door.

"Moonglow must be around here somewhere now that college is out," she said. "I can smell her favorite snack of sardines. Or is that smell from something that fell out of the saddlebags of that horse parked over by the jello pit?"

She dusts the snow and door splinters off of a disgruntled cat and sets the creature on the end of the bar near the jar of pickles.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: GUEST,Stiffy the Snowman
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 02:55 PM

Hey, can someone stop that horse doing that just there? I'm losing feet here!

And keep that flaming eggnogg to yourself

Stiffy


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 03:02 PM

"Gad," he says to no one in particular after a swig of rum. "I think I've bent my trusty sword."

Sure enough, the scabbard, with the sword in it, nows bends gently around the back of his legs, the hilt still in front.

"Danged good thing I don't keep the pistols loaded, either," he thinks to himself. "Someone might have gotten hurt. Those flintlocks can pinch like all heck if you get your finger caught in 'em."

And he takes another sip.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: MMario
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 03:03 PM

Stiffy - be glad it's just the *horse*; If Cletus and the boyz show up to empty the cashbox who knows what's going onto the floor...


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: SINSULL
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 05:36 PM

Not to mention Paw's blow torch.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Lox
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 05:43 PM

They had a Grotto in town last year and tey've replaced it with a stage this year.

It was great. While the kid sat chatting on santa's knee, the little helpers sat chatting on mine >;').


Don't suppose there's any little helpers in here are there? about 5'8", blonde with a subtle wisp of Davidoff ...?

... Oh well ... a pint of whatever that unpleasant looking drink hanging up there is please barman ...


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 06:03 PM

How about 5'2" round, ash blond, with a subtle whiff of Ralgex?

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 06:13 PM

That cash box is history, folks. Cletus and the boys can dig it out of the holly hedge next to the porch if they want, but it broke when the horse stepped and sat on it and it was empty anyway. Unless any coins stuck to the horse on his way past. You might want to check. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: My guru always said
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 06:27 PM

'Yuk, Pickles?' thought the Disgruntled Cat, 'things have gone downhill since last Christmas, it sure is Grotty in here - where's all the Baileys & Cream? The nice bits of Salmon? Serving Wenches!!!!!!'


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: artbrooks
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 06:50 PM

And Santa lifts his face from the puddle of spilled Bushmills and mutters..."Serving wenches? Serving wenches? Could someone serve me a bit of tender Hilary, please? And does anyone know where those blasted elves went off to with my bag of toys?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Lox
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 07:30 PM

You've been double bluffed ...

... the horse is the ringleader in a deeper conspiracy ...


... You've been played SRS ...


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 08:57 PM

Meanwhile, the horse is conversing with the Giant Squid....


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 08:57 PM

"No one ever builds snow ladies with all the bits...."
I don't know what years Amos built his, but I know some of my fellow Seaman Apprentices built a very complete one at Great Lakes Naval Training Center in 1964. I was too much of a stick to join in that back then. I'm much better now.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 11:23 PM

Uh oh. I don't believe it. The horse is stepping into the lime green jello pit with the squid.

I can't watch.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 02:55 AM

Never heard of sea horses?

Just watch out for the giant chocolate chips.. they're chips, but not chocolate!

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: GUEST,Sick Squid
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 04:22 AM

Squid watches with apprehension as the horse clambers into the jello pit and the level rises dramatically. With a final lurch the horse is in and jello slops all over the floor. "That could cause a nasty accident" says Squid in a concerned, Health & Safety voice when, at that moment, the door burts open and in rush Cletus and the 'boys' looking for their box and its contents...............


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 04:38 AM

Pickles looks around and climbs out of the jar.
He blinks once or twice, looks around him to take in the scene.
His small wiry haired ears prick up at the sound of horse and squid cavorting in jello.
He looks back at the large jar and quietly woofs.
"It must have been one bitch of a party!!!"
"I've not been that ratted since I woke up in the World Cup all them years back."


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Black Beauty
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 06:09 AM

Christmas gets earlier every year.
I brought a friends two kids to see Santa in Belfast in the first week of December !!


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 06:14 AM

Heard about the dyslexic pagan? Sold his soul to Santa.

Now he's sitting over in the corner, wearing the stripy tights, pointy ears and jingly hat that is the uniform of all Satans' little helpers.

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: My guru always said
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 07:07 AM

A bit of tender Hilary, now that sounds tasty! Not keen on that Pickles, looks like he's been a touch sozzled, he'd better keep his pickled paws off my Baileys if it ever gets here. Now, where's a nice Catter who can get the top off the bottle & pour a seasonal saucer for me?'thought the Not-so-Gruntled Stray Tabby.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: MMario
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 08:33 AM

That's a Bailey's for the Tabby, some disgusting stuff for the gentleman(?) at the bar; Patented Hangover cure for the Pickled ppoch and Bert's card avaialble all round!


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 08:43 AM

"What? Ain't there nothin' ta eat around this joint? Where's the joint's joint, anyway? No free lunch? No pickled eggs or pickles pig's tails? Not even a wee bit of barbecued brachisaurus to quiet the rumblings of a hungry (and unsuccessful) highwayman's stomach?

"Oh well. Pour Bowmore, por favor, mein bierfraulein."


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: MMario
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 08:48 AM

There's a crown roast of Nile Crocodile in the oven - but the honey-glazed gingered pearl onions for the garnish aren't quite done yet. I will serve no roast before it's time!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: My guru always said
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 09:30 AM

'Mmm, well poured that Cat! Time for a wash & brush up before napping till the Roast's ready', thought the satisfied Tabby as she surveyed the grotty room for a likely lap....


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: SINSULL
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 10:16 AM

Over here, Kitty. SINS of the ample bosoms needs a cuddle. Nice warm lap for the kitty.

(And sharp claws to keep the squid at bay)

SIGH! I hate Christmas.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: GUEST,Sick Squid
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 10:50 AM

Heeyyyyyy, wait a cotton pickin' minnit there, I only just got outa the bay. Bloody freezin' in there it was too. Much better in the jello pit even if it is contaminated with Dobbin exhaust. Still, it'll be good for the rhubarb and roses.

Looks around for a serving wench to bring more ale and the menu for lunch. Hopes it's not Ocean Stix again.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 11:09 AM

Quietly, the horse begins to sing.

"I'm forever blowing bubble
Pretty bubbles in the lime...."

Not so quietly, huge bubbles rise to the surface of the jello and burst, scattering bits of green everywhere.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: SINSULL
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 11:11 AM

That squid is just pretending to be sick so no one turns him into calamari (or is it scungili?)
Squid in Green Aspic with Reindeer Giblets - YUM

Kitty, when was the last time you were brushed? Mats and grit and hairballs. You're a mess. Let's see if I can find a brush and flea comb and make you all pretty for Christmas.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: GUEST,Sick Squid
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 11:23 AM

Just my luck, a farting equine quadraped. At least everyone looks a bit squiddy now, reminds me of home <>. Methinks a jello top up is required, either that or..................spies a large bucket of egg nog at the end of the bar and reaches out a tentacle.........


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: artbrooks
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 11:57 AM

As Santa finishes slurping the Bushmills from off the bar, he notices the elf sitting over in the corner. "You, elf! Where are all of your buddies? They've run off with all of the toys for the children of the world...and there are a few adult toys in that sack as well." The elf stands up, flips him off, and jumps into the jello vat with the horse and squid. Santa slumps back down onto his bag stool and, ordering a pint of Old Frothingslosh, groans to himself, "and the sleigh, the bloody big red sleigh...where has it gone off to? I have less than a week to get my shit together. Why did I take this job, anyway?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: MMario
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 12:00 PM

The menu's up over the bar - it's written in multi-coloured crayon - maybe that's why you didn't notice it.

Being offered tonight (only) is the crown roast of Nile Crocodile Tail with a lotus and wild rice stuffing; garnished with glazed pearl onions, baby golden beets and roast parsnips.

crown roast of Elasmosaur neck; stuffed in this case with a pate comprised of chestnut and Coelacanth. Accompianied by Salsify patties and Oyster mushroom ragu. (Note - serves 160 hearty eaters or 240 lesser appetites)

Pan seared Belantsea "mussels" - bite sized morsels of prehistoric shark - pan seared in a ramp and butter sauce; served over millet polenta; your choice of salad and vegetable of the day.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: SINSULL
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 01:00 PM

" Santa slumps back down onto his bag stool "
So Santa does poop after all. Somebody let the folks in the other thread know that Santa has baggy stools. Nevermind - I'll tell them myself.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: SINSULL
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 01:08 PM

Hey MMario! Any semolina bread in the back. I would love an Elasmosaur sandwich on semolina with just a touch of salt and horseradish.


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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
From: MMario
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 01:12 PM

Try a taste of this fennel semolina bread. It's subtle - but I think it will go better with the Elasmosaur then the plain. I've got both though. And some whole grain spelt Kaiser rolls as well that are excellent.


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