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Bawdy Limericks [1]

Related threads:
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Favorite Limerick [2] (131) (closed)
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Lyr Req: There was a woman from... (limerick) [4] (9)
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Musical Limericks [3] (14)


Bert Hansell 25 Feb 97 - 01:08 PM
GUEST,Reiscza Dahll 30 Mar 08 - 12:56 PM
Bonnie Shaljean 30 Mar 08 - 01:01 PM
kendall 30 Mar 08 - 02:51 PM
GUEST 30 Mar 08 - 04:29 PM
GUEST 30 Mar 08 - 05:00 PM
GUEST,The Mole Catcher's bawdy Apprentice 30 Mar 08 - 05:03 PM
Steve Shaw 30 Mar 08 - 06:53 PM
Steve Shaw 30 Mar 08 - 06:56 PM
GUEST,G.I. Joe 30 Mar 08 - 07:11 PM
kendall 30 Mar 08 - 08:56 PM
Midchuck 30 Mar 08 - 09:37 PM
Gurney 30 Mar 08 - 11:40 PM
masato sakurai 31 Mar 08 - 12:00 AM
Bryn Pugh 31 Mar 08 - 06:02 AM
topical tom 31 Mar 08 - 11:01 AM
GUEST,TJ in San Diego 31 Mar 08 - 11:30 AM
scouse 31 Mar 08 - 04:57 PM
frogprince 31 Mar 08 - 05:30 PM
GUEST,GrannyInWales 31 Mar 08 - 07:36 PM
Bryn Pugh 01 Apr 08 - 06:00 AM
Bryn Pugh 01 Apr 08 - 07:49 AM
GUEST,Sgt. Major 01 Apr 08 - 01:33 PM
Menno 01 Apr 08 - 02:22 PM
GUEST,GrannyInWales 01 Apr 08 - 09:04 PM
GUEST,The Grocer 04 Apr 08 - 04:46 PM
The Walrus 04 Apr 08 - 09:09 PM
topical tom 05 Apr 08 - 01:35 PM
Joe_F 05 Apr 08 - 07:43 PM
Dave Hanson 06 Apr 08 - 03:40 AM
GUEST,Bobby Zelmet 06 Apr 08 - 07:05 PM
Midchuck 06 Apr 08 - 09:02 PM
Bert 07 Apr 08 - 12:08 AM
Seamus Kennedy 07 Apr 08 - 12:50 AM
pavane 07 Apr 08 - 05:24 AM
Bryn Pugh 07 Apr 08 - 05:52 AM
GUEST,BobL 07 Apr 08 - 08:38 AM
Bryn Pugh 07 Apr 08 - 10:13 AM
GUEST,Sue Allan 07 Apr 08 - 10:19 AM
Bat Goddess 07 Apr 08 - 11:24 AM
Geoff Wallis 07 Apr 08 - 02:17 PM
GUEST,Jonny Sunshine 07 Apr 08 - 03:02 PM
GUEST,The Mole Catcher's bawdy Apprentice 07 Apr 08 - 03:05 PM
GUEST,TJ in San Diego 07 Apr 08 - 05:37 PM
GUEST,Rich 07 Apr 08 - 05:39 PM
Joe_F 07 Apr 08 - 08:26 PM
Bryn Pugh 08 Apr 08 - 11:04 AM
Bryn Pugh 08 Apr 08 - 11:13 AM
theleveller 08 Apr 08 - 11:23 AM
Bryn Pugh 09 Apr 08 - 08:25 AM
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Subject: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bert Hansell
Date: 25 Feb 97 - 01:08 PM

This is a branch from the 'Roll me over' thread.

Bill mentioned 'Waltz me around again Willie'

This is the version that I sing....


There was a young girl from Devizes
Had tits of different sizes;
one it was small
and worth nothing at all;
the other was big and won prizes

Chorus

That was a horrible song
sing us another one
just like the other one
sing us another one too.


There was a young fellow from kent
whose prick was peculiarly bent
to save himself trouble
he shoved it in double
instead of coming he went

There was a young girl from Detroit
who at screwing was very adroit
she could squeeze her vagina
to a pinpoint or finer
or open it out like a quoit

There was a young lady from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
she lay on her back
and opened her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling.

There was an old fellow from Cosham
who took out his bollocks to wash 'em
his wife said 'Oh Jack,
if you don't put 'em back,
I shall tread on your bollocks and squash 'em'

There was a young lady from Exeter
so pretty that men craned their necks at 'er
and one went so far
as to wave from his car
The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er

There was an old bishop of Rockingham
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham
watching the stunts
of the cunts in the punts
and the tricks of the pricks who were Fucking 'em

There once was a bishop of Birmingham
who seduced yound girls while confirming 'em
the dirty old bassok
he lifted his cassock
and stuck his episcopal worm in 'em

There was a young fellow named Dave
who found a dead whore in a cave
he must hava had pluck
to have a cold fuck
but think of the money he'd save

There was a young lady from Hitchin
was scratching her cunt in the kitchen
her mother said 'Rose
it's the crabs I suppose'
Rose said 'Bollocks! get on with your stitchin''


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Reiscza Dahll
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 12:56 PM

There once was a man from calcutta,
who liked to have sex with his mudda,
when the baby came out,
she said with a shout,
"say hello to your son and your brudda!"


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 01:01 PM

A young undergrad at St.John's
Was caught trying to bugger the swans
Said the loyal head porter
Here, please, take my daughter
The swans are reserved for the dons


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: kendall
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 02:51 PM

I know a lot of such things, but I have too much class to post them here.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 04:29 PM

'I know a lot of such things, but I have too much class to post them here.'

Alright here's a non-bawdy limerick for the 'classy' among us..

There once was a woman named Plunnery,
Who was practiced in the art of gunnery,
One day, unobservant, she blew up a servant,
And had to retire to a nunnery.

Charlotte (the view from Ma and Pa's piano stool)


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 05:00 PM

Again, here's one I wrote a few months ago , for those who missed it;

   A young Belfast sailor named Sid,
    tried to bugger himself with a fid;
    He smeared it with lard,
    and sat down on it hard,
    but it split him in half ( so it did ).


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,The Mole Catcher's bawdy Apprentice
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 05:03 PM

Oh alright......

There was a young man at Trinity
who stole his sister's virginity,
He buggered his brother,
had twins by his mother,
And then then took a first in divinity

Charlotte (you can blame my dad for that one)


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 06:53 PM

From deep in the crypt of St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the vicar "Good gracious!
Did Brother Ignatius
Forget that the Bishop has piles?"


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 06:56 PM

There was a young lady called Dinah
With a music box in her vagina.
All the boys they had larks
To the sweet sound of Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D minor.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,G.I. Joe
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 07:11 PM

Oh for Gods Sake here are 2 books for you The Limerick edited by Bell Publishing Co. NY   contains 1700 Limericks also
The New Limerick published by Crown Published Publishing Co Contains 2750 Limericks on every bawdy thing you can think of plus a few more


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: kendall
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 08:56 PM

And I think Midchuck knows all of them.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 09:37 PM

The man whom UTAH PHILLIPS HIMSELF has called "The best singer of North American folk songs I know of" has recognized ME as the master of dirty limericks. That's probably the closest I'll come to fame and glory in this life. I can die happy.

Peter

A race that may someday contain us,
Though at present, they choose to disdain us,
Are the warriors, all gay,
Just for planets away.
Men of Earth! Look to...


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Gurney
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 11:40 PM

The was a young fiddler in Rio,
was courting a maiden(?) named Cloe.
As she took off her panties
she said "No andantes.
I want this allegro con brio!"


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: masato sakurai
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 12:00 AM

Matt McGinn inserted and sang limericks in his version of I Was Born 10,000 Years Ago (at YouTube).


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 06:02 AM

There was a young fellow called Pugh (no relation |:-) )
Lived on underpants scrapings ansd spew.
When he couldn't get that
He'd eat what he shat -
And very fine shit he shat, too.

Our local cinematorium
Is not just a visual sensorium
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: topical tom
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 11:01 AM

There was a young man from Madras
   Whose balls were made out of brass.
   With each step he took
   They clattered and shook
   And lightning shot out of his ass.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 11:30 AM

One good turn deserves another:

    The was a young miss from Madras,
    Who had a magnificent ass!
    T'wasn't round and pink,
    As you undoubtedly think,
    But was black, had long ears and ate grass!

Of course, there's always:

    The was a young man from Boston,
    Who drove a little red Austin.
    There was room for his ass,
    And a gallon of gas,
    But his balls hung out, and he lost 'em.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: scouse
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 04:57 PM

A real Gem..

There was a young lady from Ealing
Declared, she had no sexual feeling.
Till a young man named Boris
Touched her Clitoris
And she had to be scrapped off the ceilling!!

As Aye,
Phil.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: frogprince
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 05:30 PM

A lonely gay lad from Kartoum took a lesbian up to his room;
They argued all night, over who had the right
To do what, and how, and to whom.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,GrannyInWales
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 07:36 PM

Some of my favourites, called to mind immediately -

There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia
Threepence a smell was all very well
But sixpence a lick was a fahlia.

There was a young lady from Crewe
Who said, as the Bishop withdrew
"I much prefer Vicar
He's quicker and slicker
And two inches longer than you"

There once was a man called McCool
Found a red ring round the end of his tool
He went to the clinic
His Doctor, a cynic
Said, "That's only lipstick you fool"

There was a young lady called Etta
Who fancied herself in a sweater
Three reasons she had,
To keep warm was not bad
But the other two reasons were better.

There was a young lady from Guam
Who observed, "The Pacific's so calm,
I'll swim out for a lark",
Then she met a large shark
Let us now sing the 23rd Psalm.

There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her feet from the doorway
She said to her young man
"Get off the divan
Cos I think that I've just found one more way".

...and there's more, later if required....


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 06:00 AM

Whilst wandering once around Mousehole
I found a brown paper parcel.
In it was shit
And on it was writ
'A present from my granddad's arsehole'.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 07:49 AM

Still waiting for the full version of

There was a young lady called Annie
Who plaited the hairs on her fanny . . .


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Sgt. Major
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 01:33 PM

There was a young plumber, from Lea
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said the girl to the plumber,
There's somebody coming!
Said the plumber, still plumbing,
It's ME!

There was a young bloke from Adair,
Who was boffing a girl on the stair.
When the banister broke,
He doubled his stroke,
And polished her off in mid-air!

There was a young lad from Deaver,
Who had intercourse with a beaver.
The result of this ----
Was a three legged duck,
Two otter and a Laborador Retriever.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Menno
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 02:22 PM

The Limerick packs laughs gastronimical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good one's I've seen
So seldom are clean
and the clean ones so seldom are comical.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,GrannyInWales
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 09:04 PM

Yesssssss! and quite right too!


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,The Grocer
Date: 04 Apr 08 - 04:46 PM

I humbly submit the following as being a better version of 'The Bishop of Birmingham' -

The dirty old Bishop of Birmingham
Used to bugger young boys whilst confirming 'em,
As they knelt on their hassocks,
He lifted their cassocks,
And pumped his episcopal sperm in'em.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: The Walrus
Date: 04 Apr 08 - 09:09 PM

There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia
The colour was fine
Likewise the design
But the aroma? Now THAT was a failure.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: topical tom
Date: 05 Apr 08 - 01:35 PM

There once was a girl from Lahore
          Whose ass was all covered with sores.
          When she walked in the street the dogs lapped at the meat
          That hung in green gobs from her drawers.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Apr 08 - 07:43 PM

There was a young belle of old Natchez,
Whose panties were always in patches.
When comment arose
On the state of her clothes,
She drawled, "Where Ah itches, Ah scratches".


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 06 Apr 08 - 03:40 AM

The Limerick is furtive and mean,
You must keep it in close quarantine,
Or it sneaks to the slums,
And promptly becomes,
Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Bobby Zelmet
Date: 06 Apr 08 - 07:05 PM

There was a young man from Kayunk
Who fell asleep in his bunk
He dreamt that Venus was pullin his penis
And he floated away on the spunk.

There was a young feller from Liger
Who went to bed with a tiger
The result of that f--k was a three-legged duck,
two shrimps and a circumcised spider.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 06 Apr 08 - 09:02 PM

Composed today:

Mr. Heston (whom no one called "Chuck")
Went through life on a wave of good luck.
Tho' the record discloses
He was not really Moses,
Nobody gave much of a ..

Peter


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bert
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 12:08 AM

Naughty one Midchuck.

By the way, where the hell did this thread disappear to for nine years?


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 12:50 AM

A charming young vampire called Mabel
Had menses remarkably stable;
One night at full moon,
She went down with a spoon,
And drank herself under the table.


Seamus


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: pavane
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 05:24 AM

As can be seen above:

The Limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex
It burgeons with virgins
and masculine urgins
And swarms of erotic effex


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 05:52 AM

There was a young man of Calcutta
Who went for a look in the gutter -
But all he could see
Was his wife's belly
And the arse of the bloke who was up 'er.

There was a young man from the Cape
Who was fucked by a bloody huge ape.
He yelled 'Get out, you fool -
You've got a square tool
Which is knocking me hole out of shape !'


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,BobL
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 08:38 AM

There was a young maid from Dundee
Who was had by an ape up a tree.
The result was most horrid,
All arse and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 10:13 AM

There was a young lady named Syd
Who swore no man could give her a kid.
But a brown-eyed Italian
With balls like a stallion
Could, and he would - and he did !


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Sue Allan
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 10:19 AM

When Titian was painting rose madder
His model sat up on a ladder
Her position to Titian
Suggested coition
So he popped up the ladder and had her.


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 11:24 AM

There was a young fellow named Fred
Had a tool with a corkscrew-shaped head.
He found, having hunted,
A girl corkscrew-cunted,
But, alas, with a Fred-reversed thread.

My "hardware" limerick. I used to clerk in a small town hardware store (circa 1978-9) where I'd wear my "hardware" T-shirt -- "Hard lay, soft lay, laid as you want it -- Rockport Rope and Twine Company".

Linn


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 02:17 PM

There was a young lady called Jude
Who appeared on the stage starkers nude.
A man at the front
Shouted out "cunt",
Just like that, right out loud, bloody rude!


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Jonny Sunshine
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 03:02 PM

I haven't laughed so much in ages.. Anyway:

There was a young curate of Salisbury
Whose manners were halisbury-scalisbury,
He went about Hampshire
Without any pampshire
Till his vicar compelled him to walisbury

(for the benefit of readers outside the UK, Salisbury is commonly abbrievated to "Sarum", and Hampshire to "Hants")


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,The Mole Catcher's bawdy Apprentice
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 03:05 PM

There once was a lady named Cager,
Who as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The entire oboe part
Of Mozart's quartet in F-major.

Charlotte (in the music room)


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 05:37 PM

If you've followed the prodigal's way,
And much to your father's dismay,
Go forth with all speed,
Oh, ye profligate seed,
And sow your wild oats where ye may.

A dying old lawyer's last act,
Was behavior he could not redact.
A child, from this coitus,
In articulo mortis'
Was his antepenultimate act!

There was a young maid from Cape Cod,
Who thought all babies came from God.
But, it wasn't the Almighty,
Who lifted her nightie,
It was Roger the Lodger, by God!


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Rich
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 05:39 PM

There once was a man from Rangoon
Who was born 9 months too soon
He hadn't the luck
to be born by a fuck
He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 08:26 PM

Geoff: Aliter:

A lady lubricious and lewd
Once stood in a queue in the nude,
When a man down in front
Hollered out "I smell ****" --
Just like that! Right out loud! Fucking rude!


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 08 Apr 08 - 11:04 AM

A lady who lived at Throgmorton
Had one long tit and one short 'un.
As well as that
She'd a big, hairy twat
And could fart like a 500 Norton.

(Norton - a British motor-cycle, 50s vintage.)


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 08 Apr 08 - 11:13 AM

Bert Hansell : aliter

There was a young lady from Hitchin
Scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said 'Rose
You've the crabs, I suppose.'
Rose said 'Yes, and the fuckers are itchin'!'


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: theleveller
Date: 08 Apr 08 - 11:23 AM

There was a young goucho called Bruno
Who said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine
Small boys are divine
But the llama is numero uno"


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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 08:25 AM

There once was a conjurer, Pauk
Who performed his tricks in the hall.
For his party trick
He'd balance on his prick
And then roll down the hall on one ball.


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