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BS: First Joke Thread for 2005

The Fooles Troupe 17 Mar 05 - 08:48 AM
freda underhill 25 Feb 05 - 05:44 AM
GUEST,Sleepless Dad 24 Feb 05 - 09:29 AM
Cluin 18 Feb 05 - 01:15 AM
GUEST,Uncle DaveO 17 Feb 05 - 10:00 AM
Cluin 17 Feb 05 - 12:24 AM
Naemanson 16 Feb 05 - 11:32 PM
JennyO 16 Feb 05 - 09:21 PM
Uncle_DaveO 16 Feb 05 - 11:46 AM
GUEST,Mrr 15 Feb 05 - 01:38 PM
Donuel 14 Feb 05 - 09:13 PM
Donuel 14 Feb 05 - 08:15 PM
LuteMonkey 14 Feb 05 - 08:03 PM
Uncle_DaveO 14 Feb 05 - 06:13 PM
Wilfried Schaum 14 Feb 05 - 08:27 AM
The Fooles Troupe 12 Feb 05 - 07:42 PM
Uncle_DaveO 12 Feb 05 - 05:15 PM
The Fooles Troupe 12 Feb 05 - 02:44 AM
HuwG 11 Feb 05 - 10:40 AM
Naemanson 10 Feb 05 - 11:16 PM
jonm 10 Feb 05 - 02:55 PM
Uncle_DaveO 10 Feb 05 - 02:41 PM
Cluin 10 Feb 05 - 03:44 AM
Roger the Skiffler 10 Feb 05 - 03:40 AM
breezy 09 Feb 05 - 06:22 PM
Susu's Hubby 08 Feb 05 - 07:03 PM
Susu's Hubby 08 Feb 05 - 06:51 PM
Susu's Hubby 08 Feb 05 - 06:17 PM
Jim Dixon 08 Feb 05 - 11:41 AM
Susu's Hubby 08 Feb 05 - 10:29 AM
Uncle_DaveO 08 Feb 05 - 09:15 AM
wysiwyg 08 Feb 05 - 12:09 AM
wysiwyg 07 Feb 05 - 07:42 PM
Bert 07 Feb 05 - 07:40 PM
wysiwyg 07 Feb 05 - 07:17 PM
wysiwyg 07 Feb 05 - 07:12 PM
Uncle_DaveO 06 Feb 05 - 10:22 AM
The Fooles Troupe 05 Feb 05 - 07:27 PM
Cluin 05 Feb 05 - 02:52 AM
sue exhull 04 Feb 05 - 05:52 PM
GUEST 03 Feb 05 - 10:33 AM
Uncle_DaveO 03 Feb 05 - 09:55 AM
freda underhill 03 Feb 05 - 06:05 AM
Bert 02 Feb 05 - 08:04 PM
Uncle_DaveO 02 Feb 05 - 04:21 PM
saulgoldie 02 Feb 05 - 03:44 PM
GUEST,Mrr 02 Feb 05 - 02:26 PM
Mooh 31 Jan 05 - 03:30 PM
GUEST,Mrr 31 Jan 05 - 10:01 AM
Leadfingers 31 Jan 05 - 08:49 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 17 Mar 05 - 08:48 AM

For the benefit of continuity here is Second Joke Thread for 2005


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: freda underhill
Date: 25 Feb 05 - 05:44 AM

June 20, 2004
Poker With Dick Cheney

Transcript of The Editors' regular Saturday-night poker game with Dick Cheney, 6/19/04. Start tape at 12:32 AM.

The Editors: We'll take three cards.

Dick Cheney: Give me one.

Sounds of cards being placed down, dealt, retrieved, and rearranged in hand. Non-commital noises, puffing of cigars.

TE: Fifty bucks.

DC: I'm in. Show 'em.

TE: Two pair, sevens and fives.

DC: Not good enough.

TE: What do you have?

DC: Better than that, that's for sure. Pay up.

TE: Can you show us your cards?

DC: Sure. One of them's a six.

TE: You need to show all your cards. That's the way the game is played.

Colin Powell: Ladies and gentlemen. We have accumulated overwhelming evidence that Mr. Cheney's poker hand is far, far better than two pair. Note this satellite photo, taken three minutes ago when The Editors went to get more chips. In it we clearly see the back sides of five playing cards, arranged in a poker hand. Defector reports have assured us that Mr. Cheney's hand was already well advanced at this stage. Later, Mr. Cheney drew only one card. Why only one card? Would a man without a strong hand choose only one card? We are absolutely convinced that Mr. Cheney has at least a full house.

Tim Russert: Wow. Colin Powell really hit a homerun for the Administration right there. A very powerful performance. My dad played a lot of poker in World War 2, and he taught me many things about life. Read my book.

TE: He's extremely good at Power Point. But we would like to see the cards, or else we can't really be sure he has anything to beat two pair. We don't think he would lie to us, but ... well, it is a very rich pot.

Jonah Goldberg: Liberal critics of Mr. Cheney's poker hand contend that "he doesn't have anything". Oh, really, liberal critics? Cheney has already showed them the six of clubs, and yet these liberals persist in saying he has "nothing". Why do liberals consider the six of clubs to be "nothing"? Is it because the six of clubs is black?

Matt Drudge: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
The Drudge Report has learned that Dick Cheney has a royal flush, hearts. Developing ...

TE: Perhaps if you could just show us a subset of your cards which beat 2 pair? Or tell us exactly what your hand is?

DC: We will show you our cards after we have collected the pot. It is important that things be done in this order, otherwise the foundation of our entire poker game will be destroyed.

TE: We aren't sure ...

DC: Very good. And here are my cards. A straight flush.

Judith Miller: Dick Cheney has revealed a straight flush, confirming his pre-collection claims about beating two pair.

TE: Those cards are of different suits. It's not a flush.

Mark Steyn: When will it end? Now liberal critics complain that Dick Cheney's cards are not all the same suit. Naturally, these are the same liberals who are always whining about a lack of diversity in higher education. It seems like segregation is OK with these liberals, as long as it damages Republicans.

MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
A witness has come forward claiming that The Editors engage in racial profiling in blog-linking. Developing ...

TE: Wait! It's not even a straight! You've got a eight and ten of hearts, a six of clubs, and the seven and five of diamonds. You have a ten high. That's nothing.

Sean Hannity: Well, well, well. In another sign of liberal desperation, liberals now complain that a ten high is "nothing". Does ten equal zero in liberal mathematics? That would explain a lot.

Robert Novak: It's a perfectly valid poker hand. Apparently, liberals have never heard of a "skip straight". It's a kind of straight, just with one card missing. But if you skip around the missing nine, it's a straight.

Alan Colmes: Mother says I mustn't play poker.

TE: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".

Brit Hume: It seems like some people are still playing poker like it's September 10th. Back then, you needed to have all your cards in order to claim a straight. But, as we learned on that day, sometimes you won't have perfect knowledge. Sometimes you have to learn to connect the dots, and see the patterns which are not visible to superficial analysis of the type favored by the CIA and the State Department. Dick Cheney's skip straight is a winning poker hand for the post-9/11 world.

Rush Limbaugh: Do The Editors have two pairs, or a pair of twos? First they say one thing, then another. What are they hiding?

Andrew Sullivan: Dick Cheney never said he had a straight. He was very careful about this. His cards can form many different hands. None of these hands alone can beat a pair of twos; but, taken together, the combination of all possible hands presents a more compelling case for taking the pot than simply screaming "Pair of twos! Pair of twos!" as unprincipled liberal critics of the Vice President so often do.

MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
Did The Editors claim to have "a pair of Jews"? Are they anti-Semites as well as racists? Developing ...

Zell Miller: As a lifelong liberal Democrat, I believe Dick Cheney, and I hate liberals and Democrats.

William Safire: Why are liberals so obsessed by Dick Cheney's poker hand? The pot has been taken, the deal is done. If liberals are upset that we are no longer playing by the Marquis of Queensbury patty-cake poker rules, they clearly lack the stomach to play poker in the post-September 11th environment. And why do they never complain about Saddam Hussein's poker playing, which was a thousand times worse?

Christopher Hitchens: The Left won't be happy until the pot is divided up equally between Yassar Arafat, Osama bin Laden, and Hitler. Orwell would have seen this.

Ann Coulter: Why do liberals object so strenuously to the idea of conservatives having a "straight"? Perhaps because it doesn't fit in with the radical homosexual/Islamist agenda they hold so dear?

Report of the Bipartisan Commission on Poker Hands: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".

DC: I have access to poker rules that the Commission doesn't, and so I know for a fact that the cards in my hand are all intimately connected.

George W. Bush: Dick Cheney is telling the truth. I'm a nice man who would drink a beer with you.

Vladimir Putin: I dealt Dick Cheney three aces and two kings.

DC: My deal.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Sleepless Dad
Date: 24 Feb 05 - 09:29 AM

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Cluin
Date: 18 Feb 05 - 01:15 AM

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution... "By the way, you don't want to try these techniques at home."
   "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
   "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table, and cupboards, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her she was wasting too much time and should try carrying several things at once."
   "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
   "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 17 Feb 05 - 10:00 AM

"Fidel in Heaven"

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets
there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the
list and that no way, no how, does he belong
in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes
to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome
and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in
heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay
problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to
get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the
gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and
they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes
up with the idea that they should go over the wall
and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels
see them, and one angel says to the other, "My
goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than
ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Cluin
Date: 17 Feb 05 - 12:24 AM

A little old lady was running up and down the halls at the nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and yell, "Supersex!"
   She bumped into an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping up her gown at him, she said, "Supersex!"
   He answered, "I'll take the soup."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Naemanson
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 11:32 PM

A minister decides the church needs to be painted so he goes to the paint store only to realize the church maintenance fund will not allow him to buy enough paint. So he buys what he can and waters it down to make it cover the whole building. Just as he finishes the job a tremendous rainstorm hits the building and all the new paint is washed away. As he stands there watching the paint run down the walls and on to the street he hears a deep voice from the heavens that says,






















Repaint, and thin no more!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: JennyO
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 09:21 PM

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down...... 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy..... Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 11:46 AM

"The Year's Best Actual Headlines Of 2004"
(With a conservative reader's comments)

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken!]

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
['nuff said!]


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 01:38 PM

A little boy is selling kittens from a box. George W. Bush walks by and the little boy says, Hey mister, wanna buy a kitten? They're Republicans! GW is so tickled by this that the following week when he's in that same neighborhood with some of the House representatives, he says, Check this kid out. Just then the little boy says, Hey mister, wanna buy a kitten? They're Democrats! GW is confused and asks, well, last time didn't you say they were Republicans? Sure, said the little boy, but in the meantime, they've opened their eyes!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 09:13 PM

http://www.angelfire.com/md2/customviolins/heros.jpg


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:15 PM

personal anecdote: the Blue hand

When my back bothered me
I would place my hand
in the small of my back
for support and comfort.
Gradually my hand turned a pale blue.
After a nice hot shower
it would turn a deep blue.
I had no discomfort
but still I was concerned.
I went to the doctor
for chronic migraines.
I had to yell to get a specialist referral
since the doctor's HMO
would subtract bonus points
for each he made referral.
In the office he noticed my blue hand
and suddenly I had
cardiac referrals up the wazoo
tests, questions, everything but relief
from migraine pain.
It is not politically correct
to treat debilitating pain.
At home I discovered the etiology
of the blue hand syndrome
It was from an Indonesian
shirt I got at K mart.
Now that I knew
I had great sport
rubbing it on my face
and both hands.
People from India seemed to take
the most notice.
In true Brahman fashion
I would ask various clerks
if it was cold
despite the fact it was August.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: LuteMonkey
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:03 PM

Three partially deaf Englishmen are on a drive one Sunday.

One says, "Is This Wembley?"

The other, "It's Thursday."

The third, "Me too. Let's stop for a pint."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 06:13 PM

"Golf Injury"

On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse
to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is
a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His
injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to
play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."

The doctor then began listing orders: "You must give
an injection in a different location every twenty minutes
followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after
the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour
followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours.
He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of
water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.

Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then
place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the
rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes.
He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed
him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do
whatever he asks at all times. Chart his condition and
vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things
exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and
he will not able to play golf well."

The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room.
She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious
patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about
the patient. The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will
live."

Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But
you will have to learn a new sport."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:27 AM

Repairing a small church a joiner is hammering along with the pews when he hits his thumb.
He is swearing loudly: "Goddam-heaven-cross-bloody-sacrament-confound-it!"
The parson admonishes him: "Dear son, must you swear so blasphemously in The Lord's own house? Can't you say like any decent godfearing Christian: SHIT?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Feb 05 - 07:42 PM

"I always carry some spirits, purely for the treatment of snake bite.
I also keep a snake handy."

W.C. Fields


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Feb 05 - 05:15 PM

"Why Men Can't Win"

If you put a woman on a pedestal and
try to protect her from the rat race,
you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework,
you are a pansy.

If you work too hard,
there is never any time for her..
If you don't work enough,
you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay,
this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay,
you should get off your rear
and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her,
that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you,
it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks,
it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her,
you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you,
she's liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something
she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form
and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don't, you are gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs
and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements,
you are up yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Feb 05 - 02:44 AM

Elementary bible school tests

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious!

It comes from a catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new Testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected. Incorrect spelling capitalisation and punctuation has been left in

1.          In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2.          Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3.          Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4.          The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5.          Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.

6.          Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7.          Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8.          The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the commandments.

9.      The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

10.    The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11.    Moses died before he ever reached canada. Then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12.    The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13.    David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14.    Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15.    When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16.    When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.

17.    Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

18.    St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19.    Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20.    It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21.    The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22.    The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23.    One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24.    St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.

25.      Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: HuwG
Date: 11 Feb 05 - 10:40 AM

A true version of Uncle DaveO'spost to this thread on How to pay your Tax Bill.

In the 1960's and 1970's my father worked for a time at Yorkshire Impreial Metals, a steelworks and foundry in Leeds (West Yorkshire, UK). The firm maintained a transport depot in the nearby town of Brighouse.

The state and availability of the toilets and other other conveniences at the Brighouse depot were the subject of endless correspondence between Yorkshire Imperial's management, the local authority, the Transport and General Workers' Union, the Public Health Inspectorate and several other parties. This correspondence filled several box binders which were known collectively as "The Brighouse Sh*thouse File"

The two letters at the top of the latest box file (and which must surely have been a spoof or an April Fool by somebody read:

"Dear Sir

In view of the present deadlock in discussions between all parties, we have decided to close the conveniences until further notice. To this end, please find enclosed:
One Yale padlock;
One hasp (brass);
Four screws (brass);
Two keys;"


The reply read:

"Dear Sir

I regret to inform you that I am unable to comply with the instructions in your last letter. In your next correspondence, please include:
One door, 7'1" x 3'4";
Two sets hinges (including fastening plates and necessary screws)."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Naemanson
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 11:16 PM

Received in an email from a friend.

What my mother taught me


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL
DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I
just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're
in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry
about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went
through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you
out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this
world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to freeze that way."

19 My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you
are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow
up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were
born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about
JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out
just like you."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: jonm
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 02:55 PM

Uncle DaveO,

it's that little "d" in the topic listing. If you read the last ten or so posts in chronological order, you may find out.

Confused me too. Not difficult.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 02:41 PM

Susu's Hubby:

Forgive my ignorance. I don't get it.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Cluin
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 03:44 AM

Two little old ladies are at a very long church service.
After a while, one whispers to the other, "My backside has fallen asleep."
Her friend responds, "Yes, I know. I've heard it snore three times now."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 03:40 AM

BEWARE!

Here are the winnners of the M-LAW competition for wackiest warning
label of the year:

1st prize
Do not use for personal hygiene - on a toilet brush

2nd prize
This product moves when used - from a child's scooter

Previous winners have included:
* Remove child before folding - on a baby's buggy
* Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally -
on a digital thermometer
* Never remove food or other items from the blades while the
product is operating - on an   electric hand blender
* Harmful if swallowed - on a three-pronged brass fishing lure.
* Do not use this product as a toy, pillow, or flotation device -
on a bag of air used as a packing material
* Do not use as a ladder - on a 30cm tall CD rack
* Never iron clothes while they are being worn - on a household
iron
* Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will
not extinguish a fire - on a smoke detector
* Do not eat toner - on a laser printer cartridge
* And on a pair of cyclist's shin guards - Shin pads cannot protect
any part of the body they do not cover.

New Scientist's Feedback regularly publishes absurd product
warnings, and other funny real-life tales.

RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: breezy
Date: 09 Feb 05 - 06:22 PM

yes I laughed

thank you all for the time and effort.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 08 Feb 05 - 07:03 PM

On a long flight from Miami to San Francisco, a lady sat with her poodle right beside her. Right behind her sat a huge fat guy just continuously puffing on a huge, smelly cigar.

The lady turned to the man and politely asked, "Sir, would you mind putting out your cigar? You're bothering my dog and me."

The fat man replied, "I bought and paid for my ticket and I'm going to smoke my cigar."

About thirty minutes later the lady turned and said, "Sir, I demand that you put out your cigar. You're making both my dog and me very ill."

The fat man smiled and said, "Listen lady...I told you that I bought and paid for my ticket and I'll smoke as long as I want to."

Thirty more minutes passed and the lady suddenly gets up, grabs the cigar, opens a window and tosses the cigar out then returns to her seat. After the man gets out of his seat, he leans over, picks up the dog, opens his window and throws the dog out.

The lady freaks out and presses her face against the window. To her amazement, she sees her poodle standing on the wing of the plane. Do you know what he had in his mouth?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
.......the brick.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 08 Feb 05 - 06:51 PM

In an old folks home, an old man and an old woman would sit together in the TV room. The old lady would put her hand in the old man's lap and hold his pecker. This went on for a few weeks until one night the old man didn't show up.
Fearing the worst, the old lady went to look for the old man. She found him in the next building sitting with another old lady in the TV room, and she too, was holding his pecker.
The old lady was shocked and stammered, "What does she have that I don't?"

The old man winked, smiled and then replied, "Parkinson's!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 08 Feb 05 - 06:17 PM

The was a man who was building his own house. He was a perfectionist and figured eveything out to the last penny and piece of material. He let nothing go to waste.
One day, he called the bricklayer and told him that he needed only 999 bricks to complete his house. The bricklayer told him that the bricks only came in bundles of 1000. The man became irate and demanded that only 999 bricks be delivered to his home. The bricklayer agreed to send only 999 bricks.
Once the phone was hung up, the bricklayer told his guys to go ahead and deliver the bundle of 1000. Upon delivery, the home owner became so irate that he picked up one brick and threw it as high as he could into the air.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 08 Feb 05 - 11:41 AM

This was emailed to me today, and I was going to post it but I see it was already posted in March, 2003: New element discovered: Governmentium.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 08 Feb 05 - 10:29 AM

For Sale: One french WWII military rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Feb 05 - 09:15 AM

"How To Pay Your Tax Bill"

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2004 Tax Return & payment. Please
take note of the attached article from the USA Today
newspaper. In the article, you will see that the
Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA
has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400)
and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total
payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment
of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund,"
as noted on my return.

Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned
fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD
paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and
I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw
an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: wysiwyg
Date: 08 Feb 05 - 12:09 AM

FOR SALE: St. Lucy's eyebrows. Kept for hundreds of years in a silver case. This is the REAL THING. Just the right gift for that relic hunter on your shopping list. Only three left! HURRY! A-1936


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 07:42 PM

I don't think it would be kosher.

~S~


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bert
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 07:40 PM

Hey WYSYLUV, did you ever hear that CD of Gregorian Chants in Pig Latin?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 07:17 PM

FOR SALE: The Olyhay Iblebay — Rare 18th Century Pig Latin Bible Edition. $35. S-89.

~S~


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 07:12 PM

SNAKES, SNAKES, SNAKES: Tired of that boring worship service? Give your "Children's Moment" an extra boost by introducing them to Mark 16:18 "...They will pick up snakes with their hands..." These 12" squirmers look like rattlesnakes, but are actually Hognose Vipers with false rattles applied with surgical glue . Completely harmless! Only YOU will know the difference!

One Dozen Snakes only $39.95.
Guaranteed LIVE and WIGGLY!
Snakes-R-Us
A.R.T.S. (Alternative Religious Theater Supply, Inc.)
Box 1287 Knoxville, TN
1-800-SERPENT
Visa and MasterCard accepted


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 10:22 AM

"Going to School"

Mother was having a hard time getting her son to go
to school in the morning.

"Nobody in school likes me," he complained. "The teachers
don't like me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent
wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school
board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in
for me. I don't want to go to school."

"But you have to go to school," said his mother sternly.
"You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something
to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you are 45
years old and you are the Principal."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Feb 05 - 07:27 PM

Russian Joke:

In event of nuclear war, please collect your shroud and gather at the cemetery.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Feb 05 - 02:52 AM

Bubba and Earl decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Earl won 1st prize: a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and pasta.

Bubba won 6th prize: a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met at Wal-Mart. Bubba
asked Earl how he liked his prize.

Earl smiled and said, "Just great! Me and Earline love spaghetti! And Buford, our hound, polishes off the leftovers ever' time. Say, Bubba, How's that there toilet brush workin' out for you?"

"I don't like it so good," replied Bubba "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: sue exhull
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 05:52 PM

Whats the difference between cheating on your wife and cheating the taxman?

When you get caught the taxman still wants to screw you


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:33 AM

Wow Dave ...... that's truly erudite

and yes I am being facetious


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 09:55 AM

A little brain teaser for you today:

A father and his son were in a horrible car accident. The
father went to a hospital and his son went to another hospital
50 miles away. When it came time to operate on the man's
son the surgeon said, "I cannot operate on this man because
he is my son."

How is this possible?
/
\
/
\
/
\
/
\
scroll down to see the answer
/
\
/
\
/
\
/
\

...The surgeon is his mother.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: freda underhill
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:05 AM

A woman receives a fax from her husband: "To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed as I shall be home before midnight". When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table. "My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michel my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of mathematics, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bert
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 08:04 PM

Talking of bumpy landings. After a particularly bad one at DFW the pilot announced. "We are required to do a landing like that every so often to test our landing gear"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 04:21 PM

"Stop Sign"

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming
kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space.
Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.

"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an
irate man.

She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What
makes you think these are all mine?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: saulgoldie
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 03:44 PM

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"


2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9."In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."      

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 02:26 PM

And it's a music one!

Three notes walk into a bar, a C, an E-flat and a G. The bartender looks up and says he doesn't serve minors.

So the E-flat leaves, and the C and G have a fifth between them.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Mooh
Date: 31 Jan 05 - 03:30 PM

Hello, this isn't Mooh but his daughter Sal, have fun with this:
The Evil Overlord List
Highlights:
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

98.If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Cheers! ~Sally Limones


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 31 Jan 05 - 10:01 AM

A traveling salesman happened by a farm, and saw some children playing in the front yard. He asked the oldest-looking one where his Papa was, and the boy answered, Out back, see, there he goes now. And the salesman looks over to see a man run up to a sheep and screw it. Startled, the salesman asked the boy, doesn't your Mother mind? And the boy answered...
...Naaaaaaaaaaaah!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Leadfingers
Date: 31 Jan 05 - 08:49 AM

Why did the Pervert cross the road ?














He coudnt get his prick out of the chicken !


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