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BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ

Georgiansilver 14 Dec 04 - 08:02 PM
GUEST,Champagne Carol's Secret Santa 14 Dec 04 - 08:52 PM
YorkshireYankee 14 Dec 04 - 10:15 PM
Georgiansilver 15 Dec 04 - 07:08 AM
GUEST,Elfcall 15 Dec 04 - 08:19 AM
Sooz 15 Dec 04 - 09:09 AM
Georgiansilver 15 Dec 04 - 09:31 AM
MMario 15 Dec 04 - 09:33 AM
Strollin' Johnny 15 Dec 04 - 10:03 AM
GUEST,Sooz (at work) 15 Dec 04 - 10:27 AM
Strollin' Johnny 15 Dec 04 - 11:18 AM
the fence 15 Dec 04 - 11:26 AM
Swave N. Deboner 15 Dec 04 - 11:45 AM
Georgiansilver 15 Dec 04 - 12:42 PM
Swave N. Deboner 15 Dec 04 - 01:10 PM
Georgiansilver 15 Dec 04 - 03:08 PM
YorkshireYankee 15 Dec 04 - 11:13 PM
Sooz 16 Dec 04 - 05:31 AM
The Villan 16 Dec 04 - 03:39 PM
The Villan 16 Dec 04 - 03:42 PM
The Villan 16 Dec 04 - 03:44 PM
The Villan 16 Dec 04 - 03:48 PM
The Villan 16 Dec 04 - 03:51 PM
The Villan 16 Dec 04 - 04:18 PM
The Villan 16 Dec 04 - 04:21 PM
YorkshireYankee 17 Dec 04 - 12:46 AM
Swave N. Deboner 17 Dec 04 - 08:47 AM
The Villan 17 Dec 04 - 12:20 PM
The Villan 19 Dec 04 - 03:59 AM
Sooz 19 Dec 04 - 04:42 AM
The Villan 19 Dec 04 - 05:00 AM
kendall 19 Dec 04 - 02:10 PM
Sooz 19 Dec 04 - 02:52 PM
Georgiansilver 20 Dec 04 - 01:25 PM
The Villan 20 Dec 04 - 01:43 PM
YorkshireYankee 20 Dec 04 - 09:23 PM
YorkshireYankee 21 Dec 04 - 08:25 PM
12string growler 22 Dec 04 - 02:33 PM
Swave N. Deboner 23 Dec 04 - 11:12 AM
Strollin' Johnny 23 Dec 04 - 11:35 AM
Swave N. Deboner 23 Dec 04 - 12:09 PM
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Subject: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 08:02 PM

As you may already have read on the Mr Sooz out of hospital thread...Mr Sooz is out of hospital, having had an operation on his hand....Can't play his instruments(which are many) and can only sit looking at them, imagining what it used to be like. SO>>>>>
Please send him a good selection of quite short jokes, on this thread, to keep his pecker up..or should I say to keep him cheerful in between bouts of throwing things in sheer frustration.
Best wishes, Mike.
Oh yes Mike, What is the difference between "Hard" and "Light"?


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: GUEST,Champagne Carol's Secret Santa
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 08:52 PM

DId you truly mean to say.."keep his pecker up" ???

Does that mean the same thing in UK as it does everywhere else?

What is Mr. Sooz's first name?

(I want to send a card)


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 10:15 PM

In the UK, when they say "pecker" they mean "nose"... just one of many entertaining potential US-UK misunderstandings (do not tell the clerk in the Men's Clothing Department that you want to buy your husband a pair of suspenders; do not ask your boyfriend/husband to check your pants for your keys; and do not refer to that little pack on a waistband as a fanny-pack, unless you wish to be the subject of considerable merriment).

Wishing you a speedy recovery, Mr Sooz – hope you found the above entertaining...


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 07:08 AM

Right.The difference between "Hard and Light"...You can go to sleep with the light on!


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: GUEST,Elfcall
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 08:19 AM

Why did Sherlock Holmes have a yellow front door?

Lemon Entry my dear Watson.

Elfcall - I'll get me coat!


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Sooz
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 09:09 AM

Lemon Entry....Har Har...   that ones giong in the book !!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 09:31 AM

Why is the stream blocked at the end of Sherlock Holmes garden.
Sedimentary my dear Watson.


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: MMario
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 09:33 AM

And Why does Sherlock reccomend digestive biscuits?


alimentary - My dear Watson.


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Strollin' Johnny
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 10:03 AM

Grrrrro-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-annnnnnnnnnn!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: GUEST,Sooz (at work)
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 10:27 AM

I hope you all realise that the posts in my name are not ME! (Must check up how to get two members on one PC)


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Strollin' Johnny
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 11:18 AM

Is it strictly PC to have two members Sooz? :0)


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: the fence
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 11:26 AM

Imagine the fun!!!!!!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Swave N. Deboner
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 11:45 AM

Mr. Sooz,

Ye dinna ken me, but a' the best to ye oniewey.

What is the heicht o' despair? An ain-armed man hangin' o'er a cliff wi' itchy ba's.

Cheers

SND


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 12:42 PM

What is the difference between "The Whitehall Theatre" and a Public Toilet...........
The Whitehall Theatre is for Arts and Farces!


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Swave N. Deboner
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 01:10 PM

Couldn't resist adding...

What's the dif between an amazinginly clever and difficult feat performed by an acrobat and a drop-dead gorgeous high-class hooker?

One's a cunning stunt.

SND


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 03:08 PM

What is the difference between a belligerent baby and Camilla Parker-Bowles?
A belligerent baby chucks Farleys!


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 11:13 PM

How can you tell the difference between a lawyer/solicitor and a skunk who have both been hit by cars?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk...


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Sooz
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 05:31 AM

Thankyou !!!!

I have some new ones- but will save them for friday !


mr sooz


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: The Villan
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 03:39 PM

Why do sheep shaggers like to shag their sheep on the cliff edge?

Because the sheep push back harder.

Keep your pecker up Mike


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: The Villan
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 03:42 PM

200 AMERICAN TROOPS HAVE JUST ENTERED JORDAN...........






WHAT THE CANAL SHE'S DOING IN AMERICA WE DONT KNOW


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: The Villan
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 03:44 PM

A woman went to the doctor and asked his help to revive her man's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagara?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance" she said, "he won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem" replied the doctor, "drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how things went."

A week later she returned to the doctor and the doctor inquired as to how things went.
"Oh it was horrible, just terrible, doctor."
"What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, ripped my knickers off and slipped me a length over the table. It was terrible."
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in MacDonalds again."


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: The Villan
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 03:48 PM

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialised in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: The Villan
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 03:51 PM

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the first bat, "Because I didn't"


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: The Villan
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 04:18 PM

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

So his two best friends, Dermot and Tony, were sent for. Dermot went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Dermot said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Dermot looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Tony to identify the body Tony took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over. " The mortician rolled him over and Tony looked down and said "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked "How can you tell?"

Tony said "Well, Paddy had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.

Every time we went into town, folks would say

"Here comes Paddy with them two assholes"


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: The Villan
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 04:21 PM

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment,they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk,the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Right", he replies. "Get your own ******** blanket.


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 12:46 AM

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing
to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several
unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal
ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life
in the Australian outback. On their wedding night, she goes into the
bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the
bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room,
naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What
happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if
it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Swave N. Deboner
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 08:47 AM

In the lobby of an exclusive honeymoon hotel, there's this parrot in a cage in the corner. He's been there for years. Being quite intelligent, as parrots are, he's figured out what these newly weds get up to after they check in. And he's a talker. Every time a young couple comes to check in, the parrot says, "SQUAWK! Somebody's gonna' get f--ked tonight! Somebody's gonna' get f--ked tonight! SQUAWK." Well now, this is becoming quite embarrassing to the hotel proprietor, what with the high class clientele. Somebody suggests that, perhaps if the parrot had a female companion, that might distract his attention and curb his tendency towards these outbursts. So the hotelier goes to the local pet shop looking for a female parrot. "I'm sorry, sir," says the pet shop owner, "I'm fresh out of female parrots. I do have this nice little female owl here, though." The hotelier is desperate, so he buys the owl, takes her back to the hotel and sticks her in the cage with the parrot, who sits there on his perch, checking her out. Later on, in comes some honeymooners. It's the mayor's daughter and her new hubby. To the hotelier's horror, the parrot comes out with his usual, "SQUAWK! Somebody's gonna' get f--ked tonight! Somebody's gonna' get f--ked tonight! SQUAWK!" Then, the owl goes, "Who-whoooo-whoo-whooo." The hotelier nearly faints when the parrot says, "SQUAWK! It sure ain't gonna' be you, ya' flat nosed c--t! SQUAWK!"

(applause)
Thank ya'. Thank ya' vera much.

SND


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: The Villan
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 12:20 PM

Why did Popeye's "John Thomas" never go rusty brown?

Because he always had it in Olive Oil


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: The Villan
Date: 19 Dec 04 - 03:59 AM

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
'Dam.'

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!

What goes 'Ho! Ho! Ho! Thump!'?
Father Christmas laughing his head off!

Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.
'That must have cost a fortune!' I said.
'Actually, I got it for a poultry amount,' she said.

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday?
'Freeze a jolly good fellow!'

'Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?'
'No you can have turkey like everyone else!'

How do you make Father Christmas stew?
You keep him waiting half an hour!

What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper.

Father Christmas' sledge broke down on Christmas Eve.
He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, 'Can you help me fix my sledge?'
'Sorry,' the motorist replied. 'I'm not a mechanic - I'm a chiropodist.'
'In that case', said Father Christmas, 'can you give me a toe?'

What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas?
Cross mouse cards.

What goes 'Oh! Oh! Oh!'?
Father Christmas walking backwards.

Father Christmas: 'I thought I asked you to go out there and clear the snow!'
'I'm on my way, Father Christmas.'
Father Christmas: 'But you only have one welly on!'
'That's all right! There's only one foot of snow!'

What are the wettest animals in the world?
Rain deer.

'Knock, knock.'
Who's there?
'Hannah.'
Hannah who?
'Hannah partridge in a pear tree!'


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Sooz
Date: 19 Dec 04 - 04:42 AM

aaaaaaaagh!! :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: The Villan
Date: 19 Dec 04 - 05:00 AM

Is that Mr or Mrs Sooz going aaaaaaaagh!!

Could it be that a few of them will creep into next Fridays Gainsborough Folk Club??????


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: kendall
Date: 19 Dec 04 - 02:10 PM

Hey Villain, did you get that off my CD?


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Sooz
Date: 19 Dec 04 - 02:52 PM

It was the one and only Sooz, Les. I did like the one about the chiropodist though.


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Dec 04 - 01:25 PM

So did you wonder what was afoot?


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: The Villan
Date: 20 Dec 04 - 01:43 PM

Kendall - not sure what you mean.
Sooz - I am glad you like at least one :-) Weren't there any suitable for Mr Sooz, just to keep his pecker up?


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 20 Dec 04 - 09:23 PM

Here's one for the holiday season:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning
to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritably Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 21 Dec 04 - 08:25 PM

A couple in their nineties are having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?",

"To the kitchen," he replies. she asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure."

She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!"
She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down. I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream!"

He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

---

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2005, additions for the work-place vocabulary.

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: 12string growler
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 02:33 PM

Sooz stood on Corringham Village green
By the Village Well
Was she waiting for Mr Sooz?
Was She F@ck!!!




This is the story of Cinderella and her Sugly Isters

Cinders and her sugly isters lived in a Marge Lansion. Cinders worked very hard, Frubbing Scloors, emptying Poss Pits, and Shivelling Shut. By the end of the day, she was kNucking Fackered.

Is it Panto season yet???

Chris


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Swave N. Deboner
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 11:12 AM

12 String,

I thought the story was about Rindercella.

Her mugly other and sad bisters treated Rindercella just awful. They made the poor girl do all the chores, like you said, frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, shiveling shut, mixing feals, baking meds, and beaning the clathrooms. Day after day, poor Rindercella would go about her toil, daydreaming of a better life.

Rindercella's gairy modfother felt sorry for her. You know the rest. In a nutshell, Rindercella's gairy modfother fixed her up and sent her to a bancy fall at the palace of the pransome hince. She was so beautiful the pransome hince fell in love with her instantly. But the gairy modfother had warned Rindercella that she must be home by nidmight, for that's when the spell would wear off and she'd be changed back into the wriserable metch she truly was. At the first troke of stwelve, Rindercella left the bancy fall, dashed out of the palace and stown the dairs. On the way, she slopped her dripper.

Now, the pransome hince was so smitten with her, he just had to find her. He came upon the dripper she'd slopped as she'd ran stown the dairs. He set about his search, the dripper his only clue.

As the gory stoes, the pransome hince went all about the realm, having all the geautiful young birls try on the dripper. Just as the pransome hince was losing hope and getting absolutely knucking fackered in his endless search, Rindercella tried it on and it fit. He knew he'd found his love at last. They were mappily harried after ever.

So, ladies, the storal of the mory is: If you want to catch a pransome hince, always slop your dripper.

(This is losely based on the skit done by Archie Campbell on the American TV show, "Hee Haw" back in the 70's.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Strollin' Johnny
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 11:35 AM

Too clean. 12StG's version's a lot ruder. ROFL!


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Subject: RE: BS: Please amuse MR SOOZ
From: Swave N. Deboner
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 12:09 PM

Strollin' Johnny,

Yeah, it is kinda' "mild." Really quite uncharacteristic of me.


12StG,

Is that all there is to your version? If not, I'd like to see the rest of it. I imagine it'd be quite funny.

SND


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