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BS: Silly rhymes anyone?

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Dave Hanson 20 Nov 04 - 05:10 AM
John MacKenzie 20 Nov 04 - 06:15 AM
freda underhill 20 Nov 04 - 07:51 AM
Cluin 20 Nov 04 - 07:56 AM
MBSLynne 20 Nov 04 - 08:11 AM
Micca 20 Nov 04 - 08:19 AM
Dave Hanson 20 Nov 04 - 08:42 AM
Cluin 20 Nov 04 - 08:55 AM
freda underhill 20 Nov 04 - 06:10 PM
Chris Green 21 Nov 04 - 07:02 AM
freda underhill 21 Nov 04 - 08:09 AM
John MacKenzie 21 Nov 04 - 08:52 AM
Chris Green 21 Nov 04 - 11:45 AM
Georgiansilver 21 Nov 04 - 02:50 PM
GUEST,donuel 21 Nov 04 - 05:34 PM
Georgiansilver 21 Nov 04 - 05:56 PM
42 21 Nov 04 - 06:24 PM
JennyO 21 Nov 04 - 09:51 PM
GUEST,Smiler 22 Nov 04 - 12:02 AM
John MacKenzie 22 Nov 04 - 04:16 AM
Dave Hanson 22 Nov 04 - 04:50 AM
Flash Company 22 Nov 04 - 05:07 AM
semi-submersible 22 Nov 04 - 06:05 AM
Moses 22 Nov 04 - 07:34 AM
Dave Hanson 22 Nov 04 - 07:40 AM
Georgiansilver 22 Nov 04 - 08:06 AM
Strollin' Johnny 22 Nov 04 - 08:13 AM
grumpy al 22 Nov 04 - 02:32 PM
Big Al Whittle 22 Nov 04 - 03:08 PM
GUEST,don 22 Nov 04 - 04:42 PM
Cluin 22 Nov 04 - 05:06 PM
frogprince 22 Nov 04 - 09:28 PM
Cluin 22 Nov 04 - 10:35 PM
Joe_F 23 Nov 04 - 12:29 AM
Dave Hanson 23 Nov 04 - 04:37 AM
sue exhull 23 Nov 04 - 07:11 AM
Splott Man 23 Nov 04 - 07:43 AM
GUEST 23 Nov 04 - 08:00 AM
JennyO 23 Nov 04 - 10:00 AM
Pied Piper 23 Nov 04 - 11:03 AM
Micca 23 Nov 04 - 12:02 PM
Georgiansilver 23 Nov 04 - 12:45 PM
Dave Hanson 24 Nov 04 - 03:54 AM
John MacKenzie 24 Nov 04 - 04:42 AM
Georgiansilver 24 Nov 04 - 05:40 AM
Splott Man 24 Nov 04 - 08:29 AM
Splott Man 24 Nov 04 - 08:29 AM
Splott Man 24 Nov 04 - 08:30 AM
Splott Man 24 Nov 04 - 08:30 AM
Splott Man 24 Nov 04 - 08:30 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 05:10 AM

As I woke one morning, when all sweet things are born,
A robin perched upon my sill,
To signal the coming morn,
He was so sweet and gentle and softly did he sing,
Sweet thoughts of love and happiness into my heart did spring,
He sang his song so gently....then as he paused a lull,
I quickly closed the window, and crushed his fucking skull.

eric


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 06:15 AM

The boy stood on the burning deck
His arse against the mast
He swore he would not move an inch
Till Montagu had passed
But Monty was a crafty man
He threw the boy a lighter
And as he bent to pick it up
He stuck it up his ******

This disgusting fragment has been around for over 50 years and the Montagu referred to was the then Lord Montagu who in 1954 was convicted along with at least 2 others of having homosexual relations with a young lad in an outbuilding on the family estate.

Giok


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: freda underhill
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 07:51 AM

'Twixt the coastline and the border lay the town of Grog-an'-Grumble
In the days before the bushman was a dull 'n' heartless drudge,
An' they say the local meeting was a drunken rough-and-tumble,
Which was ended pretty often by an inquest on the judge.
An' 'tis said the city talent very often caught a tartar
In the Grog-an'-Grumble sportsman, 'n' returned with broken heads,
For the fortune, life, and safety of the Grog-an'-Grumble starter
Mostly hung upon the finish of the local thoroughbreds.

The Grog-an'Grumble Steeplechase


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 07:56 AM

Mama's on the bottom, Daddy's on the top
Baby's in the attic filling rubbers with snot


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: MBSLynne
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 08:11 AM

The boy stood on the burning deck
Wishing he'd never been born.
His mother said "You wouldn't have
If the rubber hadn't torn"

Late last night I killed my wife.
Laid her on the parquet flooring.
I was loath to take her life
But I HAD to stop her snoring!

I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny
But it keeps them on the knife.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Micca
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 08:19 AM

Last Night I held a little hand
so dainty and so neat
I thought my heart would burst
so wildly did it beat
no other hand unto my heart
could such gladness bring
for the hand I held last night was
Four Aces and a King!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 08:42 AM

The boy stood on the burning deck,
His arsehole to the mast,
He didn't dare to budge an inch,
Till Oscar Wilde had passed.

But Oscar was a wily sod.
He threw the lad a fritter,
When he bent down to pick it up,
WHAM, six inch up his shitter.

But our lad knew a thing or two,
He too had been to school,
He did a double summersault,
And broke poo Oscars tool


eric


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 08:55 AM

Alouette,
Everything's a-wet-a,
Alouette,
Someone grab a towel!


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: freda underhill
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 06:10 PM

The bustard's a fortuitous fowl,
Who has but small reason to growl.
   He avoids illigitemacy
    By the simple expediency
    Of the use of an alternate vowel.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Chris Green
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 07:02 AM

When Lady Penelope swoons
Her bosoms pop out like balloons
Her butler stands by
With a gleam in his eye
Then pops them back in with warm spoons!

Kenny Everett


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: freda underhill
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 08:09 AM

a dirhinous camel in Muharbia manic
with a woman was wandering in predictable panic
she was writing athesis on chamelon's cholic
but the ship of the desert was a sly alcoholic
He sucked Hashimayu to riddle his brains
and passed out beneath her berating the rains.
She needed some transport and went up Azrafa
she got it with minties and a sticky red jaffa
she rode past a minister with her bouncing giraffe
her nostrils were sinister and her comments a gaffe
"You meander steatopygously whither and thither
on a creature that elongates and undulates hither,
this life in the desert is a runcible rort
but the locals could tsujigirl such a cerebral sort"
He gazed at chameleons as she gave them quick-eze
in a slithered surrender he fell to his knees
with a barrage of groans about picking a box
he became Zoanthropic and dived for her socks
and rolling his eyeballs he coiled round her waisr
"You'll never thelypthorise me" she snapped with distate,
"You're a politician, not a lizard, go and write a new book"
she shuddered and ran as his tongue went kershlook
she anavanjeared him before he could leap
her aim was as sharp as his fervour was deep
the sounds of the desert blow in timeless ballet
O'er the skeletal charade of his shameless delay
She smiled as she gathered the scattered quick-eze
and road the giraffe with perambular ease
into the sunset and its apricot tones
never thinking to look back at poor Barry Jones...

ps

these strange words are all real and have meanings. a prize to anyone who can give all the meanings correctly.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 08:52 AM

The peerless Milligan again.

There are holes in the sky
Where the rain comes in
But the holes are small
That's why rain's thin.

Giok


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Chris Green
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 11:45 AM

And Milligan again

My name is Fred Fernackapan
I walk around the town
Sometimes with my trousers up
And sometimes with them down
And when they were up they were up
And when they were down they were down
And when they were only halfway up
I was arrested


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 02:50 PM

Love that DB
Best wishes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: GUEST,donuel
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 05:34 PM

The idiot boy King
feigned to be religious
The devotion he'd bring
was both rich and hidious

His never ending war
came right from his castle.
What he gave to the poor
came right from his ass hole.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 05:56 PM

There was a crooked man,
Who walked a crooked mile.
Found a crooked sixpence,
And knackered a 60's chocolate machine

Best wishes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: 42
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 06:24 PM

satin & manhattan


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: JennyO
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 09:51 PM

Mary had a little lamb
Was given her to keep
It followed her around until
It died from lack of sleep.


Mary had a little lamb
With mint sauce, baked potatoes, peas and gravy.....


The boy stood in the banquet hall
When all but he had fled
He'd finished off the cakes and jam
And nearly done the bread.

"This is my thirteenth cup of tea!"
He cried in accents wild
"Just one more crust, before I ****"
(He was a vulgar child)

There came a burst of thunder sound
The boy, oh where was he?
Just ask the maids who swept him up
All cakes - and jam - and tea.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: GUEST,Smiler
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 12:02 AM

There was a young fellow at Brighton last year,
This daring young fellow he jumped off the pier
He jumped off the pier and swam to a rock,
And amazed the young ladies by shaking his ......
........Fist at a policeman


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 04:16 AM

Skinny malinkey lang legs big banana feet
Went tae the pictures and couldnae get a seat
Whent he got a seat he fell fast asleep
Skinny malinkey lang legs big bannana feet.

Ma Maw threw me a jeely piece,
She threw it frae the windae
It hit the wummin doon below
An' she kicked up a shindy.

My Maw's a millionaire
Blue eyes and curly hair
Doon amang the eskimos
Playin' a game o' dominoes
My Maw's a millionaire

When I was a wee wee tot
They put me on my wee wee pot
To see if I would wee or not
When they saw that I did not
They put me in my wee wee cot
And there I wee'd an awful lot
Wee Wee

Who farted?
Wee Annie
Dae it again hen
Ah canny!

Giok


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 04:50 AM

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail if water,
Jill came dow with half a crown,
But not for carrying water.


eric


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Flash Company
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 05:07 AM

'Go to father' she said
When I asked her to wed,
And she knew that I knew that her father was dead,
And she knew that I knew of the life he had led
So she knew that I knew what she meant when she said
'Go to father!'

FC


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: semi-submersible
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 06:05 AM

I loved freda's parody of Wordsworth's Daffodils."

Ogden Nash, who wrote the one about the number of Ls in various lllamae above, added a footnote to this poem(?) in one of his verse collections:

The author's attention has been drawn to a variety of conflagration known as a three-alarmer. Pooh.

---------------------------------

Mary had a little lamb, With green peas on the side, And when her escort saw the check The poor boob nearly died.

And another variation of one above:

Mary had a little plane. Around the sky she'd frisk. Wasn't that an awful shame, Her little *

---------------------------------

The common cormorant, or shag, Lays eggs inside a paper bag. The reason you will see, no doubt: It is, to keep the lightning out. But what these unobservant birds Have never noticed, is that herds Of wandering bears may come, with buns, And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.

Christopher Isherwood (& also posted here in slightly different form)

(Dilly, dilly, piccalilli, tell me something really silly. I had a friend, his name was Bert. He ate the buttons off his shirt.)

The preview says my linebreaks have all disappeared into Cyberspace.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Moses
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 07:34 AM

This was once an advert on the London Tube (about 20+ years ago).


Said King George to his Court
I enjoy a good Port
But it must be a wine that's just right

Said a Courtier, game, if I tell you the name
Of the best
Will you make me a Knight?

The king nodded his head
And the Courtier said:-
"Cockburns Port is the port for a King,
but remember to say it, without the C.K"
And the court cried "Long live Harles the Ing!"



Funny what you remember isn't it?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 07:40 AM

From Spike Milligan.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are,
Up above the sky so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Now I know just what you are,
A lump of rusting rocket case,
A rubbish tip in outer space

eric


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 08:06 AM

I woke up Christmas morning
and found my wife dead.
A reindeer had been in ,
And stamped on her head.

I wish I was a little frog,
No taller than the grass.
I'd climb up all the big oak trees,
And slide down on my hands and knees!
Yes it rhymes!

The cuckoo is a pretty bird,
As she sits in the grass.
With her wings by her side
and her head under them.
And in this position,
She can only say...."twit"
For who could say cuckoo,
With a beak full of feathers.

Best wishes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Strollin' Johnny
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 08:13 AM

The elephant is a pretty bird
It leaps from bough to bough,
It makes its nest in the rhubarb tree,
And whistles like a cow.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: grumpy al
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 02:32 PM

nice to know the world is still full of happy nutters.
my faith in human nature is almost restored.keep up the good work.

the boy stood on the burning deck
when all but he had fled
twit!........Spike Milligan

the boy stood on the burning deck
picking his nose like mad
rolloing it in to cannon balls
and throwing them at his dad


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 03:08 PM

silly okay

there was a young lady from Dorset
Who wore the most frustrating corset
To grant her base wishes
They looked for insterstices
And small apertures through which to force it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: GUEST,don
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 04:42 PM

Old Spook with murky recollections
Spooked by spooks with current machinations
There are malicious spooks
And judicious spooks
Some spooks coup DE TA
And some spooks save the nation


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 05:06 PM

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Let us flee said the fly
Let us fly, said the flea
So they flew through a flaw in the flue


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: frogprince
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 09:28 PM

Try sayin' this on fast a few times:

A skunk sat on a stump.
The stump thunk the skunk stunk
and the skunk thunk the stump stunk.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 10:35 PM

That one would make a good Drunk Test, frogprince.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 12:29 AM

Of all the fishes in the seas,
The strangest is the bass.
It climbs into the tops of trees
And slides down on its hands and knees
To frolic in the grass.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 04:37 AM

My uncle Jack sat in the dock,
Picking his nose like fury,
Rolling it up in little balls,
And flicking at the jury.

eric


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: sue exhull
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 07:11 AM

WILLIE, WITH A THIRST FOR GORE
NAILED HIS SISTER TO THE DOOR
HIS MOTHER SAID, WITH HUMOUR QUAINT
WILLIE DEAR, DONT SCRATCH THE PAINT


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Splott Man
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 07:43 AM

The other day upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
I wish that man would go away!


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 08:00 AM

Found this on the internet, submitted by "Anon". I'd never seen the full version with verses. Anybody know the melody?

S

* * *
The Pheasant Plucker's Song

Me husband is a keeper, he's a very busy man,
I try to understand him and I help him all I can,
But sometimes of an evening I feel a trifle dim,
All alone and plucking pheasants when I'd rather pluck with him.

I'm not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate
And I'm only plucking pheasants
Cause the pheasant plucker's late.

I'm not good at plucking pheasants, pheasant plucking I get stuck,
Though some peasants find it pleasant I'd much rather pluck a duck,
Oh, but plucking geese is gorgeous, I can pluck a goose with ease
But plucking pheasants is sheer torture, for they haven't any grease.

I'm not the pheasant plucker,
He has gone out on the tiles,
He only plucked one pheasant
And I'm sitting here with piles.

You have to pluck them fresh, if they're fresh it's not unpleasant,
I knew a man in Dunstable, could pluck a frozen pheasant.
They say the village constable has pheasant plucking sessions
With the vicar of a Sunday 'tween the first and second lessons.

I'm not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's son,
And I'm only plucking pheasants
Till the pheasant pluckers come.

My good friend Godfrey's most adept, he's really got the knack,
He likes to have a pheasant plucked before he hits the sack.
I try and lend a helping hand, I gather up the feathers,
It's really all this pheasant plucking keeps us here together.

I'm not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's friend,
And I'm only plucking pheasants
As a means unto an end.

Me husband's in the woods all day, a-banging with his gun,
If he could hear me heartfelt cries, then surely he would run,
For I've fluff in all me crannies and there's feathers up me nose,
And I'm itchin' in the kitchen' from me head down to me toes.

I'm not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's wife,
And when we pluck together
It's a pheasant plucking life!


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: JennyO
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 10:00 AM

The National Health Cow

I strolled into a farmyard
When no-one was about
Treading past the troubles
I raised my head to shout.

"Come out the Cow with glasses,"
I called and rolled my eye.
It ambled up toward me,
I milked it with a sigh.

"You're just in time" the cow said,
Its eyes were all aglaze,
"I'm feeling like an elephant,
I aren't been milked for days."

"Why is this?" I asked it,
tugging at its throttles.
"I don't know why, perhaps it's 'cause
MY milk comes out in bottles."

"That's handy for the government,"
I thought, and in a tick
the cow fell dead all sudden
(I'd smashed it with a brick).


John Lennon - A Spaniard in the Works


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Pied Piper
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 11:03 AM

Mary had a little Lamb
I think she called it frisky
But sadly it caught foot and mouth
And now it's black and crinkly


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Micca
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 12:02 PM

Guest 23-11-04 08.00am
You need to hear Joan from Wigan sing this, she is SUPERB..!!!

Little Willie, from his mirror,
licked the Mercury right off
Thinking in his childish error
it would cure the Whooping Cough
at the Funeral his mother
Brightly said to Mrs Brown
" twas a chilly day for Willie
when the Mercury went down!!!

also
Billy, in one of his bright new sashes
fell in the fire and was burned to ashes
and now, altho' the room grows chilly
I havent the Heart to poke poor Billy


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 12:45 PM

Am I wasting my time,
It's a quarter past nine.
I think it is bedtime
Don't you?
She rose from the chair,
Took off her false hair,
Her white pearly teeth
Came out too.
One leg made of wood,
One eye was a dud,
Her nose she begun
To unscrew.
I cried with dismay,
As her bust came away,
"Am I wasting my time on you"?
Best wishes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 03:54 AM

Ooey gooey was a worm,
A silly worm was he,
He went upon the railway track,
A train he went to see,
OOEY GOOEY

eric


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 04:42 AM

Here lies the body of William Gray
He died maintaining his right of way
He was right so right, as he drove along
But he's just as dead, as if he'd been wrong.
Giok


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 05:40 AM

Used to know a lot of those epitaphs, all actually true ones on gravestones....forgotten most but here you go with a couple:-

Here lies the body of Ezra Pound, lost at sea and was never found!

Here lie I, Martin Elginbrodde,
Ha'e mercy on my soul Lord God.
As I would do were I Lord God,
And ye were Martin Elginbrodde.

Best wishes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Splott Man
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 08:29 AM

Verse to the left of 'em


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Splott Man
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 08:29 AM

Poems to the right of 'em


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Splott Man
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 08:30 AM

Volleyed and thundered


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Splott Man
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 08:30 AM

One more post...


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly rhyms anyone?
From: Splott Man
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 08:30 AM

And I make 100!!!!!


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