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BS: Bereavement

Helen 25 Jan 04 - 10:22 PM
bbc 25 Jan 04 - 10:29 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 26 Jan 04 - 06:11 AM
Escamillo 27 Jan 04 - 03:37 AM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 27 Jan 04 - 06:16 AM
Pistachio 27 Jan 04 - 04:33 PM
kendall 27 Jan 04 - 07:06 PM
Amos 27 Jan 04 - 07:14 PM
jaze 27 Jan 04 - 09:22 PM
GUEST,pdc 27 Jan 04 - 11:54 PM
Raptor 28 Jan 04 - 10:18 AM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 28 Jan 04 - 01:04 PM
wysiwyg 28 Jan 04 - 11:30 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 29 Jan 04 - 06:03 AM
Raptor 29 Jan 04 - 06:55 AM
GUEST,Bereavement Store 12 Apr 04 - 10:08 AM
Amergin 12 Apr 04 - 02:17 PM
Helen 12 Apr 04 - 05:25 PM
wysiwyg 21 Apr 04 - 03:06 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 21 Apr 04 - 06:45 PM
wysiwyg 21 Apr 04 - 07:06 PM
Escamillo 22 Apr 04 - 03:39 AM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 22 Apr 04 - 06:38 AM
wysiwyg 08 Sep 04 - 09:07 AM
wysiwyg 08 Sep 04 - 09:32 AM
Kim C 08 Sep 04 - 10:59 AM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 08 Sep 04 - 11:56 AM
LilyFestre 08 Sep 04 - 04:21 PM
wysiwyg 08 Sep 04 - 04:53 PM
wysiwyg 13 Feb 11 - 09:51 AM
jacqui.c 13 Feb 11 - 11:28 AM
Ebbie 13 Feb 11 - 01:00 PM
Bill D 13 Feb 11 - 01:43 PM
wysiwyg 13 Feb 11 - 01:44 PM
mouldy 13 Feb 11 - 03:16 PM
wysiwyg 13 Feb 11 - 06:53 PM
jacqui.c 13 Feb 11 - 07:07 PM
mouldy 14 Feb 11 - 03:02 AM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 14 Feb 11 - 08:04 AM
wysiwyg 02 Apr 12 - 07:40 PM
gnu 02 Apr 12 - 07:47 PM
ranger1 02 Apr 12 - 09:43 PM
Janie 02 Apr 12 - 10:31 PM
VirginiaTam 03 Apr 12 - 12:17 PM
catspaw49 03 Apr 12 - 12:27 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 07 May 12 - 10:29 AM
mouldy 07 May 12 - 12:36 PM
wysiwyg 12 May 12 - 10:41 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 13 May 12 - 07:28 AM
wysiwyg 26 Nov 13 - 07:16 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Helen
Date: 25 Jan 04 - 10:22 PM

I've been thinking about you this week, Allison, because I had been looking at the Mudcat birthdays page and saw that Byron's birthday is coming up. Anniversaries and birthdays are usually pretty traumatic, one way or another, so making arrangements for people you care about, and who care about you, to be with you on that day is a very good idea.

Singing is also a wonderful therapeutic activity..

My thoughts are with you, and with David in his loss.

Helen


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: bbc
Date: 25 Jan 04 - 10:29 PM

I'm glad to know you, Allison; you are a beautiful woman, through & through.

Sending you love,

Barbara


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 26 Jan 04 - 06:11 AM

Gee, thanks Barbara!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Escamillo
Date: 27 Jan 04 - 03:37 AM

I keep looking for this thread because I know what you feel. You may remember that after one year, I am finding love and comprehension, and giving everything I can give, to a good woman who loves me and respects my wife's memory as if she was an old friend of her.

But the curious thing is that I don't care for life or death, I see them as the same, as a continuity in which I happen to be in this side. My age (57) could be a good reason, because I feel that my life was already very well done, and this is an extra time I'm allowed to stay. As such, I don't care for stupid things, I don't admire anybody except artists, I try to teach everything I know, to my sons, to my new loved one and her son, to other people. I try to be kind to everyone, and I write a lot, because I don't want to leave without a word for those whom I love. This lady is an amateur dancer in a group of mature people, and loves to put her soul on the stage. Following her path I am singing again, a little now, may be more in the future.
We have already talked abouth our own farewell, and all the pain, and have accepted that we can't live in the fear of death. We are just learning to do our best, and not worry about the end.

Un abrazo,
Andrés


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 27 Jan 04 - 06:16 AM

Andres, I am deeply moved - thank you so much for your words. You are the same age as Byron, and I know he too had reached a point where he recognized every day given to him as a gift. He too had narrowed his priorities about what was important in life, and he too wanted his loved ones to love and learn and be loved by him.


You are a very wise man, and your beloved is blessed indeed.

Love,

Allison


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Pistachio
Date: 27 Jan 04 - 04:33 PM

I'm flit between this thread and 'Raptors and the love for you both is ringing clear. I hope tomorrow you have a great time singing and the bonfire burns brightly for Byron. I just love looking in to the flames, watching the logs as they glow. You take care, take a deep breath,enjoy the celebration and sing out. Hugs, from Hazel.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: kendall
Date: 27 Jan 04 - 07:06 PM

My youngest daughter is 32 on January 28. You may remember that the Challenger blew up on this date, and my good friend Marshall Dodge (Bert & I) died in this date.

You are still in my thoughts dear.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Amos
Date: 27 Jan 04 - 07:14 PM

Andres, Kendall, Animaterra --

Man, thoughts like these are why this place is inimitable. Thanks to all of you for being here and saying it.

Andres, congratulations on rebuilding your life. It is heart-warming.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: jaze
Date: 27 Jan 04 - 09:22 PM

Thinking of you tomorrow, Allison. Remember, be thankful he was here with you-you'll always have that beautiful memory.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 27 Jan 04 - 11:54 PM

Allison, tomorrow is Byron's birthday. It is also the 5th anniversary of my daughter's suicide. I'll be thinking of your pain while experiencing (again) my own.

And we'll both manage, and go on, and live our lives well.

Sending you good thoughts.

pdc


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Raptor
Date: 28 Jan 04 - 10:18 AM

Allison I'm here if you want to talk

It was exactly Two months today since Heide passed!

pdc I here for you too.

Or anyone else that needs to talk with someone who can sympathise!




Happy Birthday Byron!!! Say hi to Heide for me!

David


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 28 Jan 04 - 01:04 PM

Thanks, everyone. I'm having a sad day, after many stable ones. Yes, I'm grateful Byron was born, and I'm grateful for the gift he was to me-
but I miss him so much

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: wysiwyg
Date: 28 Jan 04 - 11:30 PM

Congratulations to all of you for whom today was a tough day, and who made it through it. Well, it's ALMOST the end of the day, anyhow.

You've been in my thoughts all day. I know I am not the only one who refrained from posting, just to leave you each in the company of one another and the understanding you can offer each other, without well-meant distraction.

I wish you:
<> peaceful rest,
<> a deeper sense of the good memories,
<> a solid connection to all the love you have ever known,
<> a circle of close friends who can STILL make you laugh, and
<> more love in your life, as you look resolutely forward, than even the best love you have ever known.


One more deep breath-- let it go.... let it go... let it all go...

And on to tomorrow, with all of us cheering you on and making soft places for you to land along the way.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 06:03 AM

Well, if music sung in glorious harmony can reach to the stars, the universe was smiling last night! I made it through the day, thanks to friends and your good thoughts, and was able to sing and bask in the company of good friends last night. At one point I caught a glimpse of Byron's photo smiling at me and couldn't keep back the tears, but I'm learning to recognize a certain type of sorrow for the intense recognition of the love that still goes on- coupled with the grief that it's taken a form I find very hard to accept.

But I made it through the day, and I'll make it through today. And tomorrow. And the rest of the days that are given to me.

Blessings on you all.

Allison


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Raptor
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 06:55 AM

Susan You are a beautifull person!

Raptor


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: GUEST,Bereavement Store
Date: 12 Apr 04 - 10:08 AM

Send a gift that offers comfort in a time of sorrow.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Amergin
Date: 12 Apr 04 - 02:17 PM

and that would be whiskey or chocolate....


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Helen
Date: 12 Apr 04 - 05:25 PM

No, Amergin, that would be a special MMario hand made shawl. :-)

Helen


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: wysiwyg
Date: 21 Apr 04 - 03:06 PM

Refreshing for anyone who needs this thread, and to let those who have posted before that you are often in my thoughts and prayers.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 21 Apr 04 - 06:45 PM

Thanks, Susan. It's been a very rough month, at 6 months plus. He's still so much a part of every fiber of my being. I feel his absence every minute- yet I feel his "presence" too, some times. But I miss him with a howling ache, always.

Spring seems so strange this year. We loved watching it unfold. I'm noticing every crocus, every daffodil, every bud on the trees- but it's just noticing, it lacks the joy I have felt about spring before.

I guess I'm surviving. Everyone tells me I'm doing so well.

Allison


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: wysiwyg
Date: 21 Apr 04 - 07:06 PM

Aw, hon. Of course you're not doing well. Just doing well under the circumstances, which ain't the same thing at ALL.

Have there been any safe places to howl, out loud?

Step out back. I'll throw the window open and I bet I'll hear you from here. Let 'er rip. Best way I know to keep the joy is to let the rest out.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Escamillo
Date: 22 Apr 04 - 03:39 AM

A stupid and interesting thought comes to my mind after 18 months. My Graciela will never die again. She came to this world, suffered very few things and she was very happy. I made my part. And when my turn comes, I'll be throughly satisfied.

Un abrazo,
Andrés


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 22 Apr 04 - 06:38 AM

Yes, Andres, I'm unshaken in my certainty that he was spared a lot of pain, having suffered in other ways so much in his life. I'm grateful for that.
And yes, Susan, I have great "howling companions" who love me and help me through. I am indeed blessed.

Allison


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: wysiwyg
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 09:07 AM

Thinking of you all.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: wysiwyg
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 09:32 AM

Yahrzeit: A Thread for a Calendar of Mudcatters' Losses

~S~


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Kim C
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 10:59 AM

I still miss my dad after four years. My birthday was yesterday and while it was a good day, I was still bummed knowing he wasn't going to call me.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 11:56 AM

I've been doing so much better. I've even been on a few dates. But now that school has started there's a whole new set of associations and threshholds to cross. I miss him, miss him, miss him.

And in some ways he seems closer than ever.

Allison


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: LilyFestre
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 04:21 PM

I haven't read all the posts here....but the initial post of being on a new planet sounds about like my life at the moment. We have been parents to an 11 year old for the last year and a half only to have her birth mother decide that she wanted her back. The loss is overwhelming and I hate this new planet that I find myself on. HATE IT.

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michelle


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: wysiwyg
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 04:53 PM

LF,

Welcome. ;~) Welcome to the club you never want to join, from those of us who don't really want to welcome anyone else to it. But welcome also to the fellowship of we gray-hairs who've arrived before you. A rich treasure of experience and compassion, here. Now, for a little whle, let us care for you. In your turn you will welcome and care for others. The marching of generations, on the strange planet.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: wysiwyg
Date: 13 Feb 11 - 09:51 AM

Friend and classmate Katie delivered this stunning example of living through the "strange planet" of bereavement, at class yesterday, and kindly gave me permission to post it so others can benefit from her view.

SCS: Exploring Your Ministry
Homily, 12 February 2011
Katie P.

2 Corinthians 1: 3-4
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

There are many things I learned when my mother died. I learned that life is not fair. I learned that people go away when you are least prepared, because you can never be fully prepared to lose someone you love. I learned that believing you have time to tell your loved ones everything you want to tell them is wrong thinking; never pass up a chance to speak your heart.

I learned that sending flowers isn't really a great thing to do: they need their water changed and stems snipped to stay fresh; the ones that die first need to be weeded out before they look awful and get smelly; they take up a lot of space (really, whose home has ready-made display space for 15+ arrangements?); and what do you do with all of the vases afterward? Having all of those flowers that needed care (and ended up dying and being thrown away) was almost too much for me to bear. Some people may love them and find comfort in the distraction of caring for them, but I found it overwhelming.

I have a policy never to give someone a gift I wouldn't want to receive… I do not send flowers upon the death of a loved one.

I learned that you should never ask someone who is hurting what you can do for them. They'll never answer-- they can't. They have no idea what they need. I learned that the simplest tasks can seem insurmountable.

The people who eased my pain the greatest were the ones who took over: they dropped by, often unannounced or within a few minutes' call so that I could not discourage them, and they told me plainly what they were going to do for me:

            
  • They took my small children to the playground.

  •         
  • They checked in my refrigerator to see what we needed and then grocery shopped.

  •         
  • They did my laundry.

  •         
  • They mowed my grass.

  •         
  • They dropped dinner off.

  •         
  • They booked my flight to the funeral.

  •         
  • They just sat with me and let me talk, cry or be silent.


I did not know I needed all of these things; they are such simple tasks when your heart is intact; they are nearly impossible when your heart has exploded.
I learned that there is a secret club of people who have suffered loss. I had no idea this club existed; I had, until this point, led a life untouched by excruciating loss. Suddenly, people came up to me, held my hand and shared with me a loss they, too, had suffered. They were not 'toppers' and they were not trying to downplay my pain, they were saying to me in the most kind and loving way: 'I know. I've been there. You are not alone.' I looked at these people, some I didn't even know that well, and saw a depth and a level of compassion in them that I had never seen before.

For days after she died, I couldn't believe the mail still came, people still went to work, or even that traffic lights continued to operate. But,here were people, coming alongside me and showing me that they had survived.

You can live when you feel like you can barely breathe. You can go on with life, and even laugh and have joy and fullness of life when you also have pain as part of your experience of being.

I also learned to trust that God is in the middle of everything. His mercy is great and His comfort even greater.

We moved a month after my mother died, and I lost all of that support. No one knew me. Introducing yourself, and in the next breath relating that you've just lost a parent, is a bit off-putting. I had no one. It was the desert. No one knew me and my pain.

God knew. He embraced me, rocked me as I sobbed, and whispered to me in my prayers. She was his. She was safe. She was loved and cared for… and so was I.

I learned that God wasn't just present now when I was alone, he was present in all of those people who knew how to love and comfort me. They had been comforted through their pain and were well equipped to share what they had learned.

I found an incredible and unexpected gift through the experience of losing my mother; I am able to share with others what was so selflessly shared with me: comfort, compassion, kindness, patience, and presence. I learned how to comfort at the feet of Christ and at the feet of Christ-filled and Christ-comforted people.

What does this experience have to do with my discernment [of call to the priesthood]? It is part of my personal history with God. I had first-hand experience of seeing and feeling God's hand in my life guiding me and forming me. I trusted Him and He taught me. I listened and He led me out of the desert to a place of peace and comfort. He restored me to wholeness.

I look for God in places I didn't, before this experience. I listen in a way I had not, prior to this. I trust in a way I never could have, before God so faithfully led me through this pain. So, now I pay a little more attention when I feel God's repeated urgings. I am listening and trusting his leading right now, today, at this time of discernment.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: jacqui.c
Date: 13 Feb 11 - 11:28 AM

It's good to hear one person's own feelings about bereavement.

Of course, th1s is such a personal event that another person will probably have a totally different take on it. One size does not fit all and, IMHO, one needs to be aware of the person to whom this is happening and to deduce what their own individual needs are, rather than going in taking over without permission. To some that would be like taking control away from them at a time when they most need to have that control.

I would also be very careful about bringing God into the conversation. For a lot on non Christians this might not be welcome. Keep your religious platitudes to yourself unless you are sure that they will be welcomed.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Ebbie
Date: 13 Feb 11 - 01:00 PM

"For a lot on non Christians this might not be welcome. Keep your religious platitudes to yourself unless you are sure that they will be welcomed."

Jacqui, love, in this thread entitled 'Bereavement' you may notice that there are many references to God and how their faith helped various people. Other posters in turn presented what helped them, oftne just not commenting on the religious/spiritual ones.

As you said, there are many individual ways of coping and to my mind we can all honor that.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Feb 11 - 01:43 PM

If I read it correctly, the entire post after the italics was a quote from 'Katie'. I think it was only one person's musings, and as such, I don't worry about the religious portions.

It might be well, Susan, to clarify it all.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: wysiwyg
Date: 13 Feb 11 - 01:44 PM

I doubt Jacqui was commenting on whether the post was approriate, but I assumed that she was pointing out how some of Katie's experience (of course) might not be appropriate for a particular, specific application. And I certainly agree that, taking Katie's experience as an example of the obverse, people who tend to take over in a controlling way are not actually helping.

But lest there be any question about the post itself or my reason for sharing it as I did-- it was Katie's own example. That is ALL it was. And I for one would not have considered taking out (censoring) any of her words, because Not only are they her words but I saw just yesterday how they impacted a group more diverse than Mudcat on a good day.

Nor would I recommend intruding on another person's spirituality, unasked. But people are often surprised to learn how often a word about spirituality IS asked, and when it is, sometimes it is natural to respond... Mudcat also abounds in examples of THAT-- sometimes out in the threads as we can all see, and sometimes in PMs only the two parties involved can see.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: mouldy
Date: 13 Feb 11 - 03:16 PM

Looking back on this thread, it has been a poignant journey.

In March 2007 I found myself walking the same path, and I can recognise so much - from many of the postings. A few weeks ago I found myself in a bit of an unexpected emotional dip for a few days. It's probably down to having uprooted myself recently, (and I am okay again now). It just goes to show that there will be ripples on my pond for a while yet, especially if I go and drop another little stone in it (like moving 160 miles away)!

In effect, I have distanced myself from my physical support network, and have in effect decided to take the stabilisers off my bike and go for a long ride on my own! I daresay I will wobble and scrape my knees a bit, but I hope there is every chance I will find my balance.

Andrea


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: wysiwyg
Date: 13 Feb 11 - 06:53 PM

(Bill, we cross-posted, and thanks.)

===

(((Mouldy))) Keep on keepin' on!

===

If I might indulge for a moment-- this is always a very hard time of year for me. In addition to SAD issues, this is the time of year my [dead] identical twin was dissolving in utero, up close and personal, making a close relationship... physically toxic. Each year it hits me differently, for which I guess I'm grateful, tho it means I am never quite "set" for what will hit. This year, it hits while new meds take my own heartrate down to nil-- so I am cold, lacking any stamina, and physically always-overwhelmed.

;~) About the time present friends (or I myself, LOL) learn how I am THIS year, I'll be into however I will be, that I/they do NOT understand, NEXT year. So Katie's piece yesterday was just a marvelously cathartic moment for me.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: jacqui.c
Date: 13 Feb 11 - 07:07 PM

Andrea - you're thought of often. It's good to keep up with your news. Keep going lady.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: mouldy
Date: 14 Feb 11 - 03:02 AM

Thanks Jacqui.

I try to adopt my godmother's attitude: I grieve, but I don't mourn. There is a big difference. Grief can be a gentle poignant thing that is light and easy to carry. Mourning indicates a state of mind (exhibit A - Queen Victoria, m'lud).
I don't wear my wedding ring now, either. Probably for nearly 3 years. I like it, but it is an outward symbol of something earthly that does not exist now ("till death, etc"). I may wear it again if the mood takes me, but I don't feel the guilt I thought I would. (Logically, I am not married - terms and conditions no longer apply!) It sounds very hard-nosed, but Ian's always going to be part of my life, just internally.
I suppose one of the main reasons for moving to a new area is to have people take me for who I am now, not as someone they know as one part of a couple. I met Ian while I was still at school, and I was thus one part of a twosome, and "Ian's other half" for just over 40 years now.
Because of this, I am wondering if there is a part me that hasn't seen the light yet. I don't know, but it may be fun finding out. It gives me a future to focus on, and although I have a mountain to climb in getting my little house renovated, it's something that will, once I eventually get work started, keep me interested and busy. My children are all fully independent, and it would be easy to slip into boredom and self-pity, which I could perhaps have done back at my old place. Here, if I want to clear my mind, or just go scream into the wind, I have a 10 minute drive and, if I choose the right time, I can have a huge beach almost to myself (at this time of year, anyway).

Andrea (apologies for going on a bit!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 14 Feb 11 - 08:04 AM

Oh, my. Strange and poignant to see this thread revived. I agree with much of Katie's musings, although my own journey has moved me into such different and unexpected directions in nearly 7 1/2 years (goodness, how time marches on!).

Mouldy, Susan, and all whose own grief is still more fresh than mine, blessings on you for the courage to keep breathing, keep moving forward, and keep living!

And love and thanks to all of you dear Catters who kept me sane those years ago!

love,
Allison


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Apr 12 - 07:40 PM

The strange planet seems (today) to be one that passes by and sucks me over onto it, in its gravitational pull, as it passes. It passes me now and pulls powerfully.... because my mother died yesterday, and I find my feet in two worlds simultaneously.

It was sudden but not unexpected, and she died peacefully in her sleep, just as she had always said she wanted.

There is nothing left unsaid with her that does not more properly belong in a counseling session, and I am grateful for so much about how, and when, and why she went. We had just spoken on Saturday, and looking back now I see the restlessness she was having, to go.

I know much more about all that than I am at liberty to share, because she enrolled me in some secrets that are not mine to break. But from that vantage point I see so much about her passing that gives me hope and comfort-- not only for myself but for my siblings, among whom there is quite a bit of "brokenness of relationship" (a pastoral care term) in need of healing.

I've been reflecting all day (between bouts of boohoos) that for so many people, we do not really know the Parent until we ourselves are old enough to have just begun to know who the heck s/he actually was as a person-- independent of our childhood view-- and how just as we are old enough to start seeing the REAL person, that person feels released to depart this life for another one.

So all the times Mom and I shared in adult life make me SO GLAD for every risk I took to speak my heart and encourage her to speak hers, and for every phone call that ended with a mutual "Love you," which was quite a feat for a lady raised NOT to say it at all.

Another reflection has been that to really know who they were after they are not accessible to conversation, we can cut through the confusions of semantics and frames-of-reference to look at what they created-- and in that case my mother's main creation was each of "her" children, by her vigorous choice. This creativity extended well into the lives of the grandchildren she co-parented with we "sibling offspring" who she brought into the world personally.

Thus it seems clear to me (prematurely I am sure) that to get to know the real people she built, beyond the fantasy people we created in our fears and hurts, would be to know HER differently than the single view each of us has had of her could allow.

And I suspect that she knew I would be thinking that way, and taking action to encourage that process. I took the first step today in a somewhat challenging phone call with sibs. I had no desire to do it. I felt her pushing me to it, from where she is now. I felt her pointing to what the real priorities are, each time I declined a battle and reached towards peace.


And all day it's been one opportunity after another to see myself acting well and wisely-- as the daughter it turns out she raised me to be. I see the person she told me she was proud of, who I have not been able to see until now when I must see it for myself.

It brings another round of healing tears of gratitude-- she equipped me SO WELL for this time, and she was so darn sneaky I did not see how God was doing that with her in my life!

(Thanks, Mom.)

Finally, it is PERFECTLY who she was that she left us on April Fool's Day, for reasons I could share but prefer not to, and for reasons I cannot share, but it is so PERFECTLY her.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: gnu
Date: 02 Apr 12 - 07:47 PM

My sincerest condolences. Stay well.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: ranger1
Date: 02 Apr 12 - 09:43 PM

Condolences Susan.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Janie
Date: 02 Apr 12 - 10:31 PM

Peace be with all of you, Susan.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 03 Apr 12 - 12:17 PM

@ Susan... hugs


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 Apr 12 - 12:27 PM

You have my best thoughts and I know your strength you got from her will take you through this time.

Pat


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 07 May 12 - 10:29 AM

Oh, dear one, I missed this. Love and peace and light and happy memories be yours, my dear. You know where to find me.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: mouldy
Date: 07 May 12 - 12:36 PM

Same here, because I haven't been on for a while.

Deepest sympathy, Susan

Andrea x


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: wysiwyg
Date: 12 May 12 - 10:41 PM

I looked here to see who had just lost someone and it's me.... I had missed a buncha posts while dealing with fam stuff. Thanks folks, and please know that my thoughts tomorrow will be with all the ones who have lost their Moms before I lost mine. I had no idea. I do now. I hope to be a better support to the newbies next year, in that club none of us wants to be in.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 13 May 12 - 07:28 AM

Oh, dear sweet one, much love to you today.


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Subject: Bereavement: terms around death and dying
From: wysiwyg
Date: 26 Nov 13 - 07:16 AM

RE: terms around death and dying

"Cremains" is the term funeral directors settled on that they hope is accurate and not piling hurt upon hurt, that in their professional jargon among one another, clergy, and cemetery people simply means: "This specific funeral will involve a process that can and might helpfully take some time, as opposed to a quick embalming and burying."

That term often signals a professional who cares deeply about all aspects of what occurs at this difficult time. Most people I have known who are receiving the ashes of the person they have lost prefer to use the word "ashes," maybe because it has that sense of loss of so much more than the physical body that has passed.

You use the word that works for you. Whatever you say will truly be just the right thing to say. Whatever you find weird from others' words will truly be weird.

On this strange planet called "Bereavement" that Animaterra wrote so movingly about, I think nothing might feel really right-- it's all just what is, for now.

<3

~Susan


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