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BS: Bereavement

katlaughing 05 Nov 03 - 11:41 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 06 Nov 03 - 06:14 AM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 06 Nov 03 - 06:17 AM
jaze 06 Nov 03 - 09:19 PM
GUEST,pdc 06 Nov 03 - 09:28 PM
katlaughing 06 Nov 03 - 09:53 PM
GUEST,pdc 07 Nov 03 - 11:56 AM
wysiwyg 07 Nov 03 - 02:46 PM
GUEST,pdc 07 Nov 03 - 04:16 PM
GUEST,Casual Observer 07 Nov 03 - 05:02 PM
Joybell 07 Nov 03 - 05:47 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 07 Nov 03 - 06:50 PM
Helen 08 Nov 03 - 09:03 AM
GUEST,Pistachio 08 Nov 03 - 10:56 AM
GUEST,pdc 08 Nov 03 - 11:40 AM
Joybell 08 Nov 03 - 05:22 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 08 Nov 03 - 06:02 PM
Joybell 08 Nov 03 - 06:31 PM
Helen 08 Nov 03 - 11:13 PM
bbc 09 Nov 03 - 04:51 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 10 Nov 03 - 05:30 AM
Cruiser 10 Nov 03 - 12:58 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 10 Nov 03 - 03:21 PM
Alba 10 Nov 03 - 03:32 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 11 Nov 03 - 01:33 PM
wysiwyg 11 Nov 03 - 02:03 PM
Helen 11 Nov 03 - 03:04 PM
GUEST,pdc 11 Nov 03 - 08:08 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 12 Nov 03 - 11:20 AM
GUEST,pdc 12 Nov 03 - 02:00 PM
Menolly 13 Nov 03 - 12:37 PM
GUEST,Jaze 13 Nov 03 - 08:48 PM
GUEST,pdc 13 Nov 03 - 09:55 PM
Deda 13 Nov 03 - 11:27 PM
Partridge 14 Nov 03 - 12:00 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 14 Nov 03 - 06:08 PM
jaze 15 Nov 03 - 05:38 PM
bbc 16 Nov 03 - 06:58 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 17 Nov 03 - 06:06 AM
Peg 17 Nov 03 - 04:19 PM
GUEST,pdc 18 Nov 03 - 07:56 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 19 Nov 03 - 05:36 AM
Menolly 19 Nov 03 - 10:00 AM
Amos 19 Nov 03 - 10:08 AM
GUEST,pdc 19 Nov 03 - 11:03 AM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 20 Nov 03 - 05:04 AM
GUEST,Guest. L 20 Nov 03 - 06:55 AM
Joybell 20 Nov 03 - 04:31 PM
GracieK 21 Nov 03 - 01:35 PM
YorkshireYankee 21 Nov 03 - 11:28 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: katlaughing
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 11:41 PM

{{{{{{{{{{{{pdc}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 06:14 AM

Add my hugs, too, dear pdc. You are giving me more than you know.

It was an incredible evening. Too wet for a bonfire, so we crowded into my little home and sang our hearts out. I didn't try to do more than join in occasionally, but the harmonies did their work on me. Lots of tears, some laughter (I startled myself with a real belly laugh at one point!)
One friend sang, For all of life is like a tune,
                   It sounds so sweet, and it ends too soon,
                   You'd better rosin up your bow,
                   Until it's time to go.


Another sang,, Row on, row on, another day
                  there shines a brighter light.
                  Ply, ply the oars and pull away,
                  There's dawn beyond the night.


Sometimes I'm beginning to believe that.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 06:17 AM

Another beautiful thing was getting a phone call the other night from occasional Catter Jacob Bloom. There really are blessings in all this. It made me glad I updated my personal info recently (thanks kat for alerting me that it was old info!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: jaze
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 09:19 PM

There will be light again, Allison, hang on.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 09:28 PM

Yes, eventually there is light again. But it's never quite the same --kind of a loss of innocence, I guess, now that you know the worst can happen. At the same time, since the worst has happened, and you've survived it, you don't have the same fears.

The best description I ever heard about regaining your life after losing a child is that it's like going through the rest of your life with a stomachache. You can laugh, have a good time, enjoy things, but all the time there is that faint, nagging stomachache.

I don't know if that applies to other deaths, or just the death of a child. I do know that any close death changes your values, philosophy of life, and perspective. Sometimes that can be a good thing -- experience teaches wisdom.

And having said all that, what choice do we have? We do our best.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: katlaughing
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 09:53 PM

pdc, if you can find a copy of it, you might find this book to be of help: From My World to Yours by Jasper Swain. It's out of print. It's written by a very practical South African lawyer whose son and his friend were killed in a head-on collision. The son came back to basically dictate the book about what happened as he died, etc. It's fascinating and the father was such a skeptic, at first, that it took quite a bit to convince him to pay attention.

kat


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 07 Nov 03 - 11:56 AM

Thanks, Kat - I'll look for it. The sense of still being in touch with the person you've lost is so common that it makes me wonder: there is so much that we don't know.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Nov 03 - 02:46 PM

!(((( pdc ))))!

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 07 Nov 03 - 04:16 PM

Thank you all, now send some hugs to Allison, whose grief is so recent. I find that reading the messages you send to her is a good thing, and probably anyone else who has lost someone is finding some comfort in the incredibly warm messages and wisdom being posted. What nice people you all are -- and how wonderful Allison must be to warrant all your loving thoughts.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: GUEST,Casual Observer
Date: 07 Nov 03 - 05:02 PM

Not so very long ago, I grieved the loss of a live person - a friend who moved very far away. Having been in the military all his adult life, it was nothing to him to make friends and then leave them and never see them again. His defense mechanism was simply to move on and forget it. And that was very hard for me, because on my planet, friendship is a permanent state. I felt hurt, and abandoned, almost as if he had died. I realized I was going through the same sort of grieving process, because I had lost someone I cared for very much, someone I would never see again.

It was an extremely difficult process. I finally made it through but it took a long time. And it's only just now that I am understanding the lessons from it. In a strange way, I am grateful for the experience, because I grew from it. But that growth is painful, and you can't see it until after the fact.

You have a great support system, both virtual and 3-D. That counts for a lot.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Joybell
Date: 07 Nov 03 - 05:47 PM

We have recently lost two women, both in their 50s, from our folkie circle here in Victoria, Australia. We are a somewhat loose group spread over hundreds of miles but we behave like family when we meet. We share our pain in many ways - sometimes with just a hug or a word. I still sing my sad songs, my songs about death, because that's my way. We talk and laugh about happy times.
The love and comfort expressed here within the Mudcat family, for you Alison, and for each other is so inspiring. I feel very humble in being welcomed into it.
Thinking of you Alison and sending my thoughts your way from down here at the bottom of the world. From and with - Joy

My life goes on in endless song
Above Earth's lamentation.
I hear the real though far off hymn
That hails a new creation.
No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging
It sounds an echo in my soul
How can I keep from singing?


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 07 Nov 03 - 06:50 PM

Joybell, I'm beginning to have hope that someday I'm going to be able to sing that song again.

Dear friends, you are amazing. I was going to let this thread drop below the bottom by now, but you keep it alive. I have seen how it's helping more than just me, and I'm grateful for the respect and love that are shining through. I've also gotten some beautiful PMs and emails, and even phone calls. This isn't just a "cyber-community", it's a true community in every sense of the word.
Thanks to you all.
Allison


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Subject: Lyr Add: WHISPERING HOPE (Septimus Winner)
From: Helen
Date: 08 Nov 03 - 09:03 AM

Allison,

I have been reading this thread regularly and it is helping me in the way that I think and feel about my mother's sudden death early last year.

I know, because I have experienced it so many times, that the people we love who have passed over do come back to visit and share their love.

My Mum took a lot longer to come and visit than many other people I have known, but now I do feel her presence around me at times.

Your experience at the concert when Byron visited you is beautiful. He will probably start showing up fairly regularly, but it often happens that there is an early visit and then a gap of three or more months before the visits become more regular. I believe that this is the "recovery" time when they lose their earthly and physical troubles and recover to the spiritual state we all started with. "Shuffling off the mortal coil" perhaps.

It is now, after the initial period of shock and grief is wearing off, that you need support. I agree about what pdc said:

"So many people are utterly inept at expressing themselves, or are so awkward about dealing with death, that they may avoid you as they simply don't know what to say or do. I had a lot of resentment about that fact for a while, but them remembered how I had treated people who had suffered a loss to death, and realized that until it happened to me, I had had no idea of how to deal with it either."

I was the same. I had never experienced the unexpected death of someone close until my Mum died, so I felt inept in relating to other people who were grieving. But I also discovered that it is the time months after when the full impact hits of the loss of day-to-day contact that I really needed more support. By then, most people had put it into the past and I did not want to "burden" them with my grief.

Please, whenever you need to talk about Byron, and your feelings about his passing, and also your feelings of joy about your life together, always know that we are here to listen and share with you.

This is one of the songs we sang at Mum's funeral, and it says so much for me about how I feel. I know I post this a lot but it helped me to feel that hope.

Helen


Whispering Hope
(Septimus Winner a.k.a. Alice Hawthorne)

Soft as the voice of an Angel
Breathing a lesson unheard
Hope with a gentle persuasion
Whispers her comforting word

Wait, till the darkness is over
Wait, till the tempest is done
Hope for the sunshine tomorrow
After the shower is gone

Whispering hope
Oh, how welcome thy voice
Making my heart
In its sorrow rejoice

If in the dusk of the twilight
Dim be the region afar
Will not the deepening darkness
Brighten the glimmering star
Then, when the night is upon us
Why should the heart sink away
When the dark midnight is over
Watch for the breaking of day

Whispering hope
Oh, how welcome thy voice
Making my heart
In its sorrow rejoice


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: GUEST,Pistachio
Date: 08 Nov 03 - 10:56 AM

I offer you hugs and you are in my thoughts.
It is such a hard time to muddle through just now. Keep clicking on, I believe this therapeutic thread is doing good for more people than you might imagine.

For Allison:

A month without your Byron, New days of tears and grief
You held him gently in your arms, To him, 'what a relief'
You were together when he left and now you feel alone
…Just don't forget 'we're' here to help. You are not on your own.

Grief is such a fickle beast you'll have your up's and down's
There's always something out there to remind you He's not around
With thoughts so overwhelming you'll muddle through the days
And always beg the question why couldn't he have stayed?

The answer will not satisfy. The pain will not recede.
The times you had were precious, re-live them as you need.
Remember all the fun you had, your time with friends and song
And though' you feel quite lost now Happy memories will live on.

Pick up the pieces slowly and return oft' to this thread
Your sadness is being shared now. The pages that I've read
Have brought a lump to my throat, and yes, tears to my eyes
It's such a necessary thing to have those tears and cry.

Whenever you feel lonely, turn on the old machine
And check in with this universe of silent friends on screen
The words are all so thoughtful so helpful and sincere
It's really therapeutic to deliver thoughts through here
This amazing world of silence, the keyboard shares the pain
Of so many of us over many years,

I'll be in touch again,
Hazel.

P.S.
I struggled with grief for over 18 months after my father died back in 1984 and still I find myself reduced to tears at the strangest times.
It's something we're all going to go through and words can make such a difference. I offer you my thoughts in rhyme because they come out better that way! I found a verse 'in my head' when my friends' baby daughter died at birth and again I put pen to paper when another friends' son died age 15 months. I hope all this support helps you. Sadly I know I'll be 'finding another verse' soon as my pal loses her battle… why oh why? Hope your Sun starts to shine again before too long. H


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 08 Nov 03 - 11:40 AM

Allison, Helen is absolutely right: although you are going through the sharpest part of the pain now, you will need support just as much in the coming months, when the "day-to-day" loss of Byron leaves you with a constant, hollow ache. Unfortunately, that's when the support of friends diminishes (no blame attached), so please keep this thread going, or renew it as needed.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Joybell
Date: 08 Nov 03 - 05:22 PM

I know what you mean Allison. It's so hard to sing at the darkest times. The songs seem to go away and it's an effort to recall them. For those of us with songs in our heads all the time the hollow feeling seems more intense when sadness and pain drive the songs away. I hope you will be able to sing all the time again very soon.                                             Peace from Joy
(I can't help making these puns on my name - My Dad's fault. I mean them all the same.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 08 Nov 03 - 06:02 PM

Helen, thanks for your thoughts. and for the lovely song. I haven't thought of that one in a long time!
Pistachio, your verses brought tears and joy. I love them! Why don't you join so I can PM you?
Joybell, I'm learning the song Row On. It seems to express what I need to know right now. I haven't exactly sung it out loud yet, but I've gotten through the first 3 lines of the refrain before breaking down!

I had an EMDR session this afternoon. It really seemed to help with some of the intense emotions stemming from the trauma of the night Byron died. For now I can "go there" in my thoughts without panic or fear; we'll see what the next days will bring. It's supposed to help me sleep better, which would be a miracle indeed!


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Joybell
Date: 08 Nov 03 - 06:31 PM

A lovely song, Allison. My Mum was very keen on sea songs with life-advice metaphores. Songs like "Throw out the Life-line" It reminded me of this thread. It feels as though we all have these life-lines stretching over the seas.
When I was very little I was taken to the docks to farewell a relative who was returning to England. We held streamers between the passengers and the people on the dock - hundreds of people all holding tight to our coloured paper streamers. As the ship pulled away the streamers broke one by one. I hardly knew the relative and I haven't thought about this scene for years but I still feel the sadness in the hearts of all those people. I still see the tears.
I don't quite know why I've come up with that image, but there you go! Our life-lines are stronger than paper streamers, there is no sign of them breaking. Happiness and Joy


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Helen
Date: 08 Nov 03 - 11:13 PM

I looked up the stages of grief and found this page.

Helen

Title:
The stages of dealing with grief

Description: There are common stages an individual may experience during grief. Grief is the pain of not having the person who is gone. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve.

Here are the stages and then there are more insights into the very individual nature of grieving and how to cope with it:

"There are certain stages of grief.

"1) Shock – Immediately following the death of a loved one it is difficult to accept the loss. A feeling of unreality occurs. During those first days and through any religious rituals or memorials there is a feeling of being-out-of-touch.

"2) Emotional Release – the awareness of just how dreadful the loss is accompanied by intense pangs of grief. In this stage a grieving individuals sleeps badly and weeps uncontrollably

"3) Panic - For some time a grieving person can feel in the grip of mental instability. They can find themselves wandering around aimlessly, forgetting things, and not being able to finish what they started. Physical symptoms also can appear -- tightness in the throat, heaviness in the chest, an empty feeling in the stomach, tiredness and fatigue, headaches, migraine headaches, gastric and bowel upsets.

"4) Guilt – At this stage an individual can begin to feel guilty about failures to do enough for the deceased, guilt over what happened or what didn't happen.

"5) Hostility – Some individuals feel anger at what "caused" the loss of the loved one.

"6) Inability to Resume Business-as-Usual Activities - the ability to concentrate on day-to-day activities may be severely limited. It is important to know and recognize that this is a normal phenomenon. A grieving person's entire being – emotional, physical and spiritual, is focused on the loss that just occurred. Grief is a 100% experience. No one does it at 50%.

"7) Reconciliation of Grief – balance in life returns little by little, much like healing from a severe physical wound. There are no set timeframes for healing. Each individual is different.

"8) Hope - the sharp, ever present pain of grief will lessen and hope for a continued, yet different life emerges. Plans are made for the future and the individual is able to move forward in life with good feelings knowing they will always remember and have memories of the loved one."

Copyright 2002 by PageWise, Inc.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: bbc
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 04:51 PM

Allison,

Just wanted to let you know I am following this thread on a daily basis & continue to lift you & your family. I'll give you a call now & then. Let me know if I don't call soon enough!

love & hugs from NY,

Barbara


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 05:30 AM

Thanks, all. It was a very emotional weekend. I'm not able ot let my guard down so much during the week. Also, the EMDR seems to have dealt with a lot of layers of fear adn trauma, opening the floodgates for an even deeper sorrow than before. But I had friends with me.

I helped friends move into their new house; they built it over a year; Byron couldn't wait for them to move in, he was so excited watching the progress of the house. We used to go over and walk around the frame and imagine the finished product. Now it's done, and he's not here in flesh to enjoy it. That was very hard.

But I found my pocket angel!


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Cruiser
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 12:58 PM

Animaterra:

Your composition 'Byron's Waltz' is beautiful. What a tribute it would be to him (and you) for you to sing it at NOMAD 2003 and/or future venue's.

I visited your web site and the NHPR site (for your interview) for the first time. Your music is inspiring and I admire you and your music.

What a gift to the world, music teachers like yourself are!

Ron


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 03:21 PM

Thanks, Ron. I won't be at NOMAD after all this year.
"Byron's Waltz" is making the rounds. Bob MacQuillen and Old New England are learning it; it's slated to be in the next CDSS newsletter; so it's getting around. Someday I may be up to putting words to it but I'm still too raw.

One example: it had to happen. I was in Walgreens this morning and the music that was playing was "My heart will go on and on." I always thought of it as such a drippy song, but there I stood among the kitchen cleansers, tears pouring down my face. I hate to admit it, but the song puts into words exactly how I feel about Byron right now. But I could never sing it!


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Alba
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 03:32 PM

You are still very much in my Thoughts Allison
Blessings and Love
Jude


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 11 Nov 03 - 01:33 PM

It's being a very low, sad day. Somehow, now that the EMDR has helped remove the horror of the memories of that night, there's a lot more room for deep sorrow. I was already sad, but this is a new depth. I never knew how deep grief could get.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: wysiwyg
Date: 11 Nov 03 - 02:03 PM

Allison, I'm just heading out the door-- but please look at the tools for healing at www.rc.org. I can tell you how they have benefited me, in email.... but you have sort of seen the results. :~) Also, don't forget to keep leaning on what you know has helped so far.

~S~


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Helen
Date: 11 Nov 03 - 03:04 PM

Allison,

There will be candles burning for you and Byron here again today. Just hang in there, huh? Allow yourself to feel when you can, and barricade your feelings for a while if it gets too overwhelming.

Do you have a copy of Musicman's CD called Farewell? It is very healing, I think. I played it a lot after Mum died.

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
Helen


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 11 Nov 03 - 08:08 PM

I think part of the reason that grief seems to get worse after the initial shock has worn off a bit, is that we seem to think there will be an end, as though it's an episode. When we realize that it's not something that we get through until it ends, that realization makes things worse.

It will end, of course, by becoming bearable. But not yet.

Just let it happen, dear Allison, and do what you can when it isn't overwhelming.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 11:20 AM

Well, Animaterra Women's chorus rehearsal brought me back up again for a little while last night. A group of "alumni" got together and surprised me at a before-rehearsal-potluck by showing up and singing Hallowell , one of our favorite songs from several years ago. Once again I had to get through what I call a "threshold moment" of uncontrollable tears, but the love in their voices and faces lifted me up and carried me to the point where I was able to lead the rehearsal with strength and something vaguely resembling joy.
I woke up this morning in tears again but I'm beginning to see that there are occasional patches of sunlight that will shine through my clouds.

Allison

there's dawn beyond the night


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 02:00 PM

Allison, treasure those patches of sunlight as much as you can -- use them to accomplish what you can't when your grief overwhelms you. I remember those days, going from blackest impossibility to occasional bits of grey that allowed me to cope with the responsibilities I had.
I used to think that those little patches of light were gifs from my daughter, who couldn't bear to see me suffering so much. Possibly Byron is sending them to you, lightening the burden just a bit at times. They are truly blessed little intervals.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Menolly
Date: 13 Nov 03 - 12:37 PM

My daughter recently got a house but it was in a bad state and we have now been working on it for nearly 4 weeks to get it fit to move into. During that time we have been using many of the tools my husband collected over the 40 of his adult life. He has beenin our thoughts even more that usual and sometimes we have cursed him for not beeing there to give advise, and others we have felt very strongly that he was there (but he still wasn't giving advise) He looked on and commended us for the effort we were putting, sometimes disapproved, because he would not have done it that way, but always as a friendly, loving presence. I am luckier than many, the pain has gone for me, not that I don't miss him, I do and I am sure I always will, but I have moved in another direction now and there is no going back.
Life is now more eventful than ever before. This is not always good, but the bad passes. I just keep trying to look forward.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: GUEST,Jaze
Date: 13 Nov 03 - 08:48 PM

Allison, My daughter and her friends were into the whole "Titanic" thing. I think she went to see it at least 10 times. A week after her funeral, I was driving home from work late at night and that song came on the radio. I cried all the way home. I use to cry driving home at night for a long time. I think between being tired, being alone in the car and hearing lines in songs that reminded me of her caused this. I think the toll collectors must have thought I was nuts because I would come thru their booths crying every night. When I was 11, my father died. I decided to pick out something beautiful in nature that would remind me of him every time I saw it. I chose sunbeams shining thru the forest. I always thought that was beautiful. When Julia died, I did the same thing. For her I chose sunlight spakling on the surface of water- sun diamonds. Every morning I have to cross the James River and say good morning to her when I see the "sun diamonds" on the surface. It's comforting, and my own special connection to her. Take care, and hang in there. James


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 13 Nov 03 - 09:55 PM

Oh Jaze, what a wonderful idea. I can't express how good an idea that is -- even five years later, I can do that. I will choose something that will remind me of my daughter in a positive way, which is very, very hard to do yet.

Thank you for a really marvellous post! You have blessed all of us who have lost someone.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Deda
Date: 13 Nov 03 - 11:27 PM

I think this is a very valuable thread for many of us.

This song by Tim O'Brien and P. Alger packs such an intense grief-releasing wallop, for me, that it had me in tears the first time I heard it, which was surely at least 8 years after my mother's death. At first I studiously avoided listening to it, feeling too vulnerable, and then I would turn it up when it came on the radio, and finally I went out and bought the CD (Tim O'Brien and the O'Boys, "Oh Boy!", on Sugar Hill Records). (Info here.)


Time to Learn

The hand is cold
That once held mine
I can't believe
You've really left this world behind
I can't wait
And I can't hope
I'll get over this in time.

It takes time to learn
When someone's gone for good
That you're not coming back
Like you wish they would
In the empty hours
When you miss them so
Then it's time to learn
To let them go

Your last hours
We never knew
We never had a chance
To say goodbye to you
Words unsaid and things undone
We'd just begun and now
We'll never see them through

It takes time to learn
When someone's gone for good
They're not coming back
Like you wish they would
In the empty hours
When you miss them so
It takes time to learn
To let them go

It takes time to learn
That you're gone for good
You're not coming back
Like I wish you would
In the empty hours
When I miss you so
Then it's time to learn
To let you go

The hand is cold
That once held mine.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Partridge
Date: 14 Nov 03 - 12:00 PM

Dear Allison, Just a short note to say I'm thinking about you and wishing you more sunshine and less clouds.
I know when I lost a dear friend in may this year, my initial reaction was "how can the world keep going on" I know it sounds silly but I think it has something to do with shock or something. But the world did go on and after a while so did I. I often talk to my friend and have a feeling he is near me.
I wasn't going to post to this thread because everytime I opened it I ended up in tears, but I remembered the support I got and how important that was. So here I am from a long way away trying to help you feel better.

love

Pat x


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 14 Nov 03 - 06:08 PM

Jaze, that is a beautiful thought. I wonder what I will use to remind me of Byron. The view from his home was of lovely hills overlooking a wide valley; there are many such views around here, that may be a good one. But the sunlight ones are more readily available wherever I go. Hmmm, I'll think on this.

Deda, what an incredible song. I don't think I dare listen to it yet, but in time I may go looking for it. Thanks.

Partridge, you don't sound in the least bit silly. Thanks for your messages!

Sometimes the pain is so intense I don't think I can bear another moment, but sometimes I feel so close to Byron and feel his love.
This present moment is a good one. I'm learning to just live in the moments I'm given, most of the time.
I just wish I could sleep better and longer. And I'm still losing weight (not yet a bad thing, unless this trend continues much longer...) even though I'm eating 3 pretty decent meals a day.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: jaze
Date: 15 Nov 03 - 05:38 PM

That's the best thing to do, Allison. Live one day at a time. Keep in touch with old friends and let them be there for you. Staying busy helps too. I know this may sound dumb, but these things do help. Take care.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: bbc
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 06:58 PM

Hi, Allison,

Just back from NOMAD. Wish you could have been there to soak up some love, but I know it would have been very difficult for you. Next year--ok? Take a look at the thread.

love you,

Barbara


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 06:06 AM

Thanks, Barbara. I thought of NOMAD often, and of Carol, Byron's music partner who kept their commitment and played for the Saturday night 9 pm English dance. I'll look at the thread.
After 6 weeks, there are definitely longer moments of peace. But then a memory will come rushing in, or a bad dream (I woke up Sunday am reliving his death). But even that memory has been softened by the EMDR work I did.
I'm not "better". But I'm learning to live the life of an amputee.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Peg
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 04:19 PM

My thoughts are with you Allison. I hope the sage advice of the Catters who love you has been helpful. I know your loss was sudden and this can be so hard to cope with.

I lost a dear young friend to cancer earlier this year, and just this morning my best friend and companion of 16 years, Ziggy the cat. Pets are our unconditional loved ones; our grief for them is less complicated perhaps. This makes me think of all the people I have lost and will still lose. This is a part of being alive. I don't have any other   wise words to impart. But one friend wrote on email: "I am sure that he will carry the story of the love you have given him over the years to the great Gods." I found this sad but true, and comforting.

be well,
peg


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 07:56 PM

How are you, Allison? Are you still seeing friends, doing some singing, talking to your children? Please let us know how you are.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 05:36 AM

I had a few days of relative stability but this week has begun back in the valley of the shadow. I'm functioning, but that's all. Still losing weight, still not sleeping great.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Menolly
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 10:00 AM

My best wishes are with you Allison. I think about you every day. There are blue skies, just not every day but they come more frequently after a while. How long varies from person to person. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Amos
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 10:08 AM

Allison:

Remind yourself about breathing, okay? Deep and regular.

Love,


A


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 11:03 AM

The other recommendation I can make is to see a grief counsellor, which I have frequently and desperately wished I had done. It's difficult -- at the time I really needed to see someone I was not in a fit state to pursue it. If you have any opportunity at all (difficult when you're working full time), even a couple of visits might be helpful.


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 05:04 AM

I'm seeing one. But I still have to get through each day (and each night).


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: GUEST,Guest. L
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 06:55 AM

PDC seems to have a handle on it. Don't beatup on yourself if you don't feel your behaviour is socially acceptable. It will take as long as it takes. I recovered from losing a husband and my children's father, in 3 years. It was a lot more difficult 20 years down the track, to bear the loss of my daughter. It took 6 or 7 years to laugh again. Now 13yrs on I am bawling away as I type this for you, and miss her every single day. I now have new interests that help but for a long time I could not find any enjoyment in new interests or people. So it just takes as long as it takes to cut a swathe through your existance.
Be kind to yourself.
L


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: Joybell
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 04:31 PM

Allison, Still sending you thoughts from down here. Still thinking of you. Joy


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: GracieK
Date: 21 Nov 03 - 01:35 PM

Hello everyone;

Like many of you I suffered from the loss of loved ones -- both inside and outside the folkie community. Just less than 2 years ago I lost both my younger brother and mother within a period of 1 month. Things have gotten better over time. Truthfully, aside from grief, the settlement of the estates was a nightmare. Now that this is done, things are more peaceful. I was fortunate to have family and friends with whom I could share my feelings. A song that came to mind at that difficult time was a Steelye Span song which goes something like the following:

If I were a singer
I'd sing you a song
A song that would remain in your heart forever
I'd sing it loud and strong
every single word.
When my life is over
and I'll not see you again
The singer may die
but the song will remain.

Keep Singing !!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 21 Nov 03 - 11:28 PM

I have been lucky so far, and not experienced the kind of loss you are dealing with, but my heart goes out to you.

One song that comes to mind is Stuart Stott's "Music in my Mother's House" (not in the DT but can be found in a thread) -- one verse in particular:

Those days come back so clearly, although I'm far away
She gave me the kind of gift I love to give away
When my mother died, she'd sung her last song
We sat in the living room singing all night long.

Singing la-la; la-la
Singing the front porch songs
Singing the old torch songs
La-la; la-la
Singing the hymns to send her home.


The other song that comes to mind is Bob Franke's Thanksgiving Eve (in the DT [0.7742]:

It's so easy to dream of the days gone by
It's a hard thing to think of the times to come
But the grace to accept every moment as a gift
Is a gift that is given to some

What can you do with your days
But work and hope
Let your dreams bind your work to your play
What can you do with each moment of your life
But love 'till you've loved it away
Love 'till you've loved it away.

There are sorrows enough for the whole world's end
There are no guarantees but the grave
But the life that I live and the times that I spend
Are a treasure too precious to save.

As it was, so it is, as it is shall it be,
And it shall be while lips that kiss have breath;
Many waters indeed only nurture Love's seed
And its flower overshadows the power of death.


Perhaps you already have come up with these songs yourself, but thought I'd mention them. Hope they may offer some small comfort.

Hugs,

YY


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