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Folklore: Limericks [9]

Related threads:
Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] (191)
Favourite Limerick [8] (164)
Bawdy Limericks [1] (174)
Favorite Limerick [2] (131) (closed)
limericks [10] (79)
Limericks, anyone? [5] (112)
Lyr Req: There was a woman from... (limerick) [4] (9)
Tune Req: Tunes for limericks [11] (17)
More limericks, eh? Part 3 [7] (76)
Limericks, anyone? Part 2 [6] (23)
Musical Limericks [3] (14)


GUEST,guesting.. a Cristimas Pressy for Bert :) 09 Dec 01 - 12:29 AM
DonMeixner 09 Dec 01 - 01:03 AM
Art Thieme 09 Dec 01 - 01:35 AM
catspaw49 09 Dec 01 - 01:36 AM
tremodt 09 Dec 01 - 01:37 AM
catspaw49 09 Dec 01 - 01:41 AM
catspaw49 09 Dec 01 - 01:48 AM
Bert 09 Dec 01 - 02:16 AM
GUEST,guesting 09 Dec 01 - 04:31 PM
Hollowfox 09 Dec 01 - 06:23 PM
Bill D 09 Dec 01 - 06:47 PM
Snuffy 09 Dec 01 - 07:09 PM
brid widder 09 Dec 01 - 07:15 PM
Bill D 09 Dec 01 - 07:17 PM
Snuffy 09 Dec 01 - 07:22 PM
Liz the Squeak 09 Dec 01 - 07:32 PM
Bill D 09 Dec 01 - 07:54 PM
Micca 09 Dec 01 - 08:29 PM
Micca 09 Dec 01 - 08:42 PM
catspaw49 09 Dec 01 - 08:55 PM
GUEST,Annraoi 09 Dec 01 - 09:05 PM
Bill D 09 Dec 01 - 10:37 PM
Midchuck 10 Dec 01 - 11:26 AM
Trevor 10 Dec 01 - 11:50 AM
Micca 10 Dec 01 - 12:54 PM
GUEST,Gusty 10 Dec 01 - 02:51 PM
Penny S. 10 Dec 01 - 05:41 PM
nosluap57 10 Dec 01 - 10:56 PM
Art Thieme 10 Dec 01 - 11:46 PM
Art Thieme 10 Dec 01 - 11:56 PM
Art Thieme 10 Dec 01 - 11:58 PM
Micca 11 Dec 01 - 12:14 PM
Jim Krause 11 Dec 01 - 02:40 PM
Amos 11 Dec 01 - 04:28 PM
Amos 11 Dec 01 - 04:31 PM
Cappuccino 11 Dec 01 - 04:44 PM
GUEST,Hagbardr 11 Dec 01 - 10:16 PM
Wincing Devil 12 Dec 01 - 12:01 AM
catspaw49 12 Dec 01 - 08:32 PM
musicmick 12 Dec 01 - 10:53 PM
ddw 12 Dec 01 - 10:57 PM
Seamus Kennedy 12 Dec 01 - 11:46 PM
catspaw49 12 Dec 01 - 11:48 PM
Amos 12 Dec 01 - 11:57 PM
Seamus Kennedy 13 Dec 01 - 12:19 AM
catspaw49 13 Dec 01 - 02:04 AM
Snuffy 13 Dec 01 - 08:27 AM
GUEST 13 Dec 01 - 08:35 AM
DeanC 13 Dec 01 - 09:11 AM
Mr Red 13 Dec 01 - 09:19 AM
catspaw49 13 Dec 01 - 09:22 AM
Bill D 13 Dec 01 - 11:21 AM
Bill D 13 Dec 01 - 11:38 AM
Bill D 13 Dec 01 - 12:02 PM
GUEST 14 Dec 01 - 09:15 AM
brid widder 14 Dec 01 - 01:49 PM
Bill D 14 Dec 01 - 06:49 PM
Bert 14 Dec 01 - 10:27 PM
GUEST,rudolreindeer 15 Dec 01 - 03:20 AM
GUEST 17 Dec 01 - 09:46 AM
gnu 20 Jun 02 - 11:02 AM
Chip2447 20 Jun 02 - 02:12 PM
GUEST,yum yum 20 Jun 02 - 02:28 PM
Joe_F 20 Jun 02 - 07:48 PM
Lynn 20 Jun 02 - 10:43 PM
MudWeasel 21 Jun 02 - 02:45 AM
Chip2447 21 Jun 02 - 10:03 PM
GUEST,RobRoy 22 Jun 02 - 02:14 PM
bob schwarer 24 Jun 02 - 07:53 PM
Janice in NJ 24 Jun 02 - 10:21 PM
Janice in NJ 24 Jun 02 - 10:25 PM
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Willa 25 Jun 02 - 04:50 PM
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The Walrus at work 27 Jun 02 - 01:31 PM
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Subject: Limericks
From: GUEST,guesting.. a Cristimas Pressy for Bert :)
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 12:29 AM

There was a fellow called Mort
Whos things were incredibly small
So to make amends he and some friends
Glued a Vacuum Cleaner to his shoe.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: DonMeixner
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 01:03 AM

I stood on a stage and recited, Of the ages when knighthood was knighted, And their maidens fair Wore no underwear, leaving vassals and pages delighted.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Art Thieme
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 01:35 AM

This is so filthy that 99% of it had to be BLEEEPED out !!

Da bleepity, bleepity bleep,
Da bleepity, bleepity bleep,
Da bleepity bleep, da bleepity bleep,
Da bleepity, bleepity fuck.

Art Thieme


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 01:36 AM

Guest, Guesting, I think you screwed up there on the rhymes. I notice that amends and friends DOES rhyme which doesn't work with the rest of your composition, so I would suggest a modest change. It also scans too well, so let's try this instead:

There was a fellow called Mort
Who's testicular appendages were somewhat on the small side
So to make amends
He and some of his other buddies
Glued a Vacuum Cleaner to his shoe.

See....With just a little more work, it's a complete fuck-up! Happy to help, no need for thanks!

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: tremodt
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 01:37 AM

there once was a man from nantucket

can i finish this one here at Mudcat >


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 01:41 AM

Obviously you don't read my fuckin' posts.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 01:48 AM

Old Limerick threads:

Favorite Limericks

Limericks Anyone,1

Limericks Anyone,2

Limericks Anyone,3

Favourite Limerick

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bert
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 02:16 AM

Thanks guesting, just what I needed.

Art, That's a great one, I think I'll use that myself.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,guesting
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 04:31 PM

in a gnot glaughing :)

spaw is a true Gnowit as well as the supreme Art


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Hollowfox
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 06:23 PM

Wow, Art, I haven't heard that one in years! I first heard it as a shaggy dog story (diddily dum instead of bleepity bleep) Ah, the classics...


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 06:47 PM

There was an old man of St. Bees,
Who was stung on the arm by a wasp.
....When they asked, "Does it hurt?",
....He replied, "Yes, it does,
"But I thought all the while 'twas a hornet."


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Snuffy
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 07:09 PM

I heard it as:

There was an old man of Dundee,
Who was stung on the neck by a wasp.
....When asked if it hurt,
....He said, "No Not at all,
It can do it again if it wants."

WassaiL! V


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: brid widder
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 07:15 PM

Remember theRambling Syd Rumpo thread last week...well Round the Horne had a Limerick contest....

An animal breeder called Gluck

once crossed a hamster and Duck

when asked for a name for this creature of fame

He replied 'well we're calling it Gladys'


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 07:17 PM

pish-posh! Dundee and wasp don't scan! *grin*


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Snuffy
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 07:22 PM

There was a young man of Japan
Whose limericks never would scan
When asked why that was
He said "It's because
I try to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can."

WassaiL! V


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 07:32 PM

Don't even get me started on this!!!

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 07:54 PM

A careless old gasman named Peter,
With a match poked around a gas heater.
Touched a leak with his light,
And rose out of sight
And as anyone who knows anything about the art of poetry can probably tell you...he also ruined the meter.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Micca
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 08:29 PM

There was a young lady called Bluitt at fellation, was good and KNEW it she explained her technique was not so unique "like tobacco , but smoke it don't chew it"


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Micca
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 08:42 PM

Bugger forgot the line breaks
There was a young lady called Bluitt
at fellation, was good and KNEW it
she explained her technique
was not so unique
"like tobacco , but smoke it don't chew it"


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 08:55 PM

I sat at my desk reading Sartre
But I couldn't take him to heart
His words flowed like goose crap
And inspired me to nap
After ripping a well metered fart.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,Annraoi
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 09:05 PM

"There was a young lady named Starkey
Who went for a walk with a darkie.
To atone for her sins
She had triplets, not twins
One black, one white and one khaki!"
And, before anyone says anything, don't come the Political Correctness crap with me. It's only a joke, for God's sake!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 10:37 PM

write that one your own creative self, did you, 'spaw?...*grin*

I'd give it a 1.5 on a scale of 10...c'mon-- edit it a bit...*wink*


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 11:26 AM

A gay Irish priest in New Delhi
Had the Lord's Prayer tattooed on his belly
By the time that a Brahmin
Got down to the "Amen,"
He'd blown both salvation, and Kelly.

P.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Trevor
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 11:50 AM

There was a young man from Calcutta
Who had an unfortunate stutter
He said 'P-p-p-p-please
Would you p-pass the cheese
And the b-b-b-b-b-b-butter.

Boom boom.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Micca
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 12:54 PM

There was a young Shepeherd called Trevor at castrating the lambs was quite clever with his good trusty crook their necks he would hook with his teeth the vas deferens sever


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,Gusty
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 02:51 PM

In the country called Afghanistan
Once ruled the scum, Taliban.
But the Allies got tough,
Taliban's had enough,
Now they're running as fast as they can.

That coward we know as Bin Laden.
No, his crimes they will not be forgotten.
We should make him drink bourbon,
Wipe our ass on his turban,
And feed him with pork that is rotten!


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Penny S.
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 05:41 PM

I think the non-PC one about the mixed offspring should be "One black, one white and two khaki", (as I heard it, without the preamble) because of the Mendelian inheritance. It doesn't quite fit the situation described, though.

Penny


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: nosluap57
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 10:56 PM

A good limerick site, although it is no longer maintained

http://www.webcom.com/~erique/limerick/


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Art Thieme
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 11:46 PM

There was a young man named Art,
Who posted that fuck one in all the other limerick threads too,
When asked why he did,
He just answered, "Hey kid...
Da bleepity bleepity blart.

(Art)


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Art Thieme
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 11:56 PM

A latino fireman, you see,
Had a girlfriend who was called Rose Marie,
They wed, had a son,
Named Jose (number 1),
And the 2nd, of course, was Hose B !!!

Art Thieme


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Art Thieme
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 11:58 PM

I just made that up from an old joke I used to tell.

Art


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Micca
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 12:14 PM

Art, ya ol'buggah, That was a "coffee down the nose" moment brill!!! thank you...


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Jim Krause
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 02:40 PM

There was a young girl named Alice
Who used dynamite as a phallus
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And part of her anus in Dallas

There, is that raunchy enough?
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Amos
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 04:28 PM

A scuzzy Mudcatter named Spaw Kept the rest of the Mudcat in awe; His jokes were laborious And his gasses, uproarious While his language was outside the Law!

Of Mudcatters raunchy and weird, Old Spaw tales the prize, I'm afeared While others try bleating, As a way of competing, He just farts through a hole in his beard!


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Amos
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 04:31 PM

A scuzzy Mudcatter named Spaw
Kept the rest of the Mudcat in awe;
His jokes were laborious
And his gasses, uproarious
While his language was outside the Law!

Of Mudcatters raunchy and weird,
Old Spaw tales the prize, I'm afeared
While others try bleating,
As a way of competing,
He just farts through a hole in his beard!

An incompetent poster named Amos
Made gaffes that were stupid (and famous)
He would send us bad rhymes
Posting each one two times
Inviting his betters to flame us!

Ok, ok!!! 'Nuff trash!!

A.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Cappuccino
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 04:44 PM

I've been waiting for these but they never arrived, so:

A dirty old bishop from Birmingham Seduced young girls while confirming 'em As he sung 'nunc dimittis' He fondled their titties And ejected episcopal sperm in 'em.

Up spoke an old lady of Kew Who said 'Bishop, is that really true? I've heard that the vicar Is quicker, and thicker, And stronger, and longer than you...'

Not at this year's carol concert, I fear. - ian B


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,Hagbardr
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 10:16 PM

There once was a man from Madras Who had balls made our of fine brass In times of bad weather He'd clang them together And sparks would fly out of his arse

There once was a young knight from France Who decided to give sex a chance To Scotland he travelled His belt he unraveled And skewered a sheep on his lance

There once was a young lad from Brighton Who remarked his first lay was a tight'un She said "you're a fool you've got the wrong hool there's plenty more room in the right'un!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Wincing Devil
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 12:01 AM

A Clean Nantucket Limerick

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who carried a fish in a bucket
He screamed and he hollered
As he sat on a bollard
"This thing stinks so bad I should chuck it!"

Wincing Devil   >;-(
He who laughs last, missed that particular Sienfeld episode


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 08:32 PM

First .... Very nice Amos. I'll deal with you later....

Let me say that it is not uncommon for me to get e-mails and PM's from other 'Catters with some info or a website or something they have found somewhere that for some reason made them think of me. These are generally forwarded with note inferring that the sender wouldn't use it, but I was of course free to do so. Uh, huh............Meaning: "I wouldnt want anyone to know I found such crap, but I'm sending it to you because Ol' Spaw will post anything!

Sadly, this is true.

I have never revealed the 'Catters who have sent me so many of these "jewels," for which I am widely known and often criticized.....and I won't in this case either, although if you read closely, I have spelled it out for you.

Now, I am about to post another....this time on a dare. I expect to catch some flak, but it's important to maintain your rep so.........After receiving this turkey here I enjoy my exultation.........In what you ask? Well, winning the bet of course!

There was a young man named Souse,
Who traded his wife for an outhouse,
When folks asked him, "Why",
He just slapped his thigh,
And said "'Cause the hole was smaller and it smelled better !!!"

Really gawdawful and insulting as hell ain't it? But there you have it!!!

Spaw---(Did see the name of the 'Catter? It's there!!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: musicmick
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 10:53 PM

Well, I'm glad to see that these threads have reached their intelectual apex. Limericks are the "Bubblegum" of humor, fit for the unfit, only. Needless to say, I've written hundreds of them. I have, even, had limerick writing contests for my readers (I write a rambling column for a folksong publication in Philadelphia). I insisted that their submissions be within the bounds of good taste, as my editor is so straight, he wouldn't say, "come" with a drop on his gum. When I was conducting the campfire sings at the Philly Festival (a nocturnal obligation I fulfilled for thirty years) my rules were more relaxed. Here's one I wrote for the traditional Smut Hour.

Sure as mug shots yield non-words like muggery/ Sure as graverobbers gave us skullduggery/ There's a six legged lass/ With a cock up her ass/ The true ante-cedent of buggery.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: ddw
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 10:57 PM

Uh-oh, Spaw. You've got competition.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 11:46 PM

There was a young fellow called Munchez,
Whose Language was mostly atrunchez,
All he could say,
Through the whole live-long day
Was, "Yez baastards! Yez fuckers! Yez cunchez!"

There was a young vampire called Mabel,
Whose periods were very unstable,
One night at full moon,
She went down with a spoon,
And drank herself under the table.

There was a young lass from the Azores,
Whose cunt was al festered with sores,
The dogs in the street
Used to eat the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers.

OK, Spaw, you're up!

Seamus


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 11:48 PM

Yeah....Well..............

The priests of St. Patrick's confessed it.
Young Sister Ann is the absolute best yet.
They plumbed deep in the ass,
Of the lovely young lass,
And now when she shits they all bless it.

Okay...For sheer grossness and sacrelige, beat that.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 11:57 PM

Does it strike anyone else as vaguely miraculous that Spaw can come up with crap like that one minute, and the next can write an original, balanced, coherent ande accurate imitation of Wittgenstein? Obviously, he retired too early -- IBM Needs You, Spaw!!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 12:19 AM

OK, Spaw.

To his son, said a fellow named Patterson
"When dating young girls, pick them fatter,son."
So the son dated one
Who weighed over a ton,
"Step aside," said hs dad, "let me at 'er son!"

There was an old bishop from Franktom
Who checked all the nuns and he ranked 'em,
As to depth of the twat
And how cold or how hot,
And rthe way that they fucked in his sanctum.

You're up.

Seamus


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 02:04 AM

Aw geez Seamus.....but .....Well,okay.........

A long knifelike cock had Benjamin Hunt
It was sharp and not at all blunt
T'was very well known
And he couldn't get blown
But he could really tear up a cunt!

Young Janie loved playing pretend
Her vibrator was her best friend
In her twat! Up her ass!
In her mouth! Ain't that crass?
But she lost all her teeth in the end.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Snuffy
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 08:27 AM

There was a young fellow called Simpson
And he was a whore's and a pimp's son
When he went to bed
With his mother, she said
It's no fucking use if it's limp, son


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 08:35 AM

Hehehehe...you dirty b@st@rds...


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: DeanC
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 09:11 AM

Tallulah, a calico cat
On the highway was chasing a rat
Along came a truck
And the cat didn't duck
Now she's happy in heaven - but flat.

With apologies to Eric Bogle for the idea.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 09:19 AM

There was a young man named Morse
Who went for a ride on a donkey
He tripped on a hummock
and fell on his head
And got up and said "tut tut!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 09:22 AM

Young Simpson's mother did say,
"Your dick's far too flacid today"
"What ails you me lad?"
He said, "Mom, don't be mad,"
"But Grandma's a much better lay!"

......back atcha' Snuff.....

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 11:21 AM

my entries..(I never said I WRITE 'em)


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 11:38 AM

...and I hereby disavow any that don't scan! I hate awkward, a-rhythmic limericks, except where it is making a POINT about meter.....I guess one reason I seldom write any is that I am too picky about wanting them to be very clever, well constructed and elegant in their filthiness. *grin*


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 12:02 PM

oh, great...they give a VERY nice explanation of limerick construction , with hints about good style.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 09:15 AM

Old Spaw doesn't give a rat's ass
Who thinks he is vulgar and crass.
If you deign to judge him,
It won't even budge him.
He'll just tell you to go fuck yourself.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: brid widder
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 01:49 PM

an insatiable lady from Spain

Had multiple sex on the brain

she liked it again and again and again

and again and again and again

and to re-introduce a musical element...

A student of music from Sparta

Was a truly magnificent farter

on the strength of one bean

He'd fart God save the Queen

And Beethovens Moonlight sonata


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 06:49 PM

ahh,,but there is SO much more to the Sparta one!

look here at my early post...

a true classic which 'mostly' scans


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bert
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 10:27 PM

When Spaw tells the GUEST what to do
With himself and his prick and his flue
the GUEST should take heed
and be sure to proceed
or the rest of us will tell him TOO.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,rudolreindeer
Date: 15 Dec 01 - 03:20 AM

Jingle Bells, Santa smells And I hate WallMart Hay I wish I wuz in Moscow Town Humpin Ludmilladear


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 09:46 AM

Old Spaw doesn't give a rat's ass
Who thinks he is vulgar and crass.
If you deign to judge him,
It won't even budge him.
He'll just tell you to go fuck yourself.

"When Spaw tells the GUEST what to do
With himself and his prick and his flue
the GUEST should take heed
and be sure to proceed
or the rest of us will tell him TOO."

Hey Bertie, relax, don't get tense.
My last post was in Spaw's defense.
It's true, is it not?
Don't be such a snot.
I honestly meant no offense.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: gnu
Date: 20 Jun 02 - 11:02 AM

Yesterday morning I was asleep well after I arose. A post to the "Jiggly" thread made me write this whilst I was still attemting waking.

There once was a gigolo who was fat, So he couldn't quite get to where it's at, When faced with disgrace, He graced with his face, And now he's well paid for that.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Chip2447
Date: 20 Jun 02 - 02:12 PM

There once was a man from Clyde,
whose wife just up and died.
Rather than being blue,
he found another ewe,
and crossed over to the other side.


A man named big Sam has died,
and four hundred women cried.
They buried Sam down
under six feet of ground,
and most of him still stood outside.

Chip2447


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,yum yum
Date: 20 Jun 02 - 02:28 PM

There was an old lady from Fife

who was dyslexic most of her file.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Jun 02 - 07:48 PM

ObFolk:

There was once an old person of Tring,
Who, whenever they asked him to sing,
Replied, "Isn't it odd?
I can never tell `God
Save the Weasel' from `Pop Goes the King'".


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Lynn
Date: 20 Jun 02 - 10:43 PM

Any limerick can be sung to the hymn tune "Blest Be the Tie That Binds":

I wish that my room had a floor/I don't care so much for a door/But this walking around/without touching the ground/Is really becoming a bore!

Courtesy of G. Ackeroid


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: MudWeasel
Date: 21 Jun 02 - 02:45 AM

There once was a lad from Purdue
Whose limericks stopped at line two.

and then you have:

There once was a man from verdun.

I won't even start with the Zen limerick about the guy named Nero.

-MW


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Chip2447
Date: 21 Jun 02 - 10:03 PM

There once was a girl named Tina,
who wanted to play the ocarina.
So, she asked her friend Chip,
who is rather quite hip
if he could teach her the Macarina.

Chip pondered a bit and said,
Tina, I'd rather be in bed.
But no such luck,
she left in his truck
and went to visit Cleigh O'Possum instead.

He tried his sorrows to numb,
well drenched with a bottle of rum.
And as for Tina,
the last time that he seena
she was naked in bed with a possum.

Okay, okay, I'l quit now... Chip2447, (the ocarinageek)


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,RobRoy
Date: 22 Jun 02 - 02:14 PM

Couldn't resist it , here comes one old, and one new.

When Titian was mixing rose madder, his model sat perched on a ladder. The position, to Titian, suggested Coition! So he hopped up the ladder and had her.

Our Plumbers new toilet creation, Immediately caused a sensation. In the wink of an eye It would unzip your fly' and simulate master-bi-ation!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: bob schwarer
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 07:53 PM

A mouse in her room woke Miss Doud
Who was frightened and screamed very loud.
Then a happy thought hit her:
To scare off the critter,
She sat up in bed and meowed!

There once was a lady named Perkins
Who simply doted on Gherkins
They were so very nice
She ate far too much spice
And pickled her internal workins.

thginK fo namow gnuoy a saw erehT
,thgir eht ot tfel eht morf etirw dluow ohW
rorrim a ni dekool ehs liT'
.rorre reh derevocsid dnA
!thgir eht morf tfel eht ot setirw ehs woN


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Janice in NJ
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 10:21 PM

A mathematician named Paul,
Has a dodecahedronal ball;
The cube of it's weight,<
Times his tool, in Base 8,
Is his phone number -- give him a call!


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Janice in NJ
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 10:25 PM

Sorry about the stray mark. Let's try it again.


A mathematician named Paul,
Has a dodecahedronal ball;
The cube of it's weight,
Times his tool, in Base 8,
Is his phone number -- give him a call!


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 05:54 AM

First, one of my own, which seems to have escaped from another thread.

Bill Shatner wrote all of "Tek War",
So he claims, though I'm not too sure.
Reviews I've seen posted
Suggest it was 'ghosted',
But watch out for that damned libel law!

And, for the cognoscenti

There was a young curate of Salisbury
Whose manners were quite halisbury scalisbury.
He rode around Hampshire
Without any pampshire
'Til the Bishop insisted he walisbury!

(some knowledge of English pronunciation/ alternate placenames required!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Willa
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 04:50 PM

LOL, Nigel
And...
A very polite man named Hawarden
Went out to pick flowers in his gawarden.
If he trod on a slug
A worm or a bug
He would instantly say, "I beg pawarden."
and

She frowned and called him Mr.
Because in sport he kr.
And so in spite
That very night
This Mr. kr. sr.

Sorry, Bill D, but..

There was a young man of Japan,
Who wrote verse that never would scan.
When they said, "But the thing
Doesn't go with a swing!"
He said, "Yes, but I always like to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can "


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bullfrog Jones
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 07:23 PM

And in the same spirit, Nigel and Willa:
There was a young man called Noti
Whose favourite food was ghoti
He said on the whole
I prefer Dover Sole
As it's just the right shape for my doti
BJ


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: MarkS
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 10:57 PM

Don't forget the young woman from Exeter
So beautiful men crained their necksather
One was so brave
As to take out and wave
The distingushing mark of his sexather.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 26 Jun 02 - 05:26 AM

There was a young girl from Darjeeling,
Who could dance with remarkable feeling
For miles around
There was never a sound
Save of fly buttons hitting the ceiling.

or, the version written by Spike Milligan R.I.P.

There was a young man from Darjeeling
Who boarded a bus at Ealing
It sid on the door
"Please don't spit on the floor"
So he stood up, and spat on the ceiling.

An elderly queer from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They lay on his bed
'Til he finally said
"Who does what?, with what?, and to whom? !"

The above is not considered 'pc', but
"It's hard to find for love nor money
A joke that's clean, and also funny!"

Nigel


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 26 Jun 02 - 05:53 AM

To clarify the earlier post,(5 up from here). An old name for Salisbury, still in use liturgically is Sarum. And this is often used as an altenate pronunciation. One assumes that other words with similar spelling can be treated in the same manner!
By the same token, the County of Hampshire is often referred to in speaking as 'Hants'.
The limerick should now make more sense.

Nigel


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,Hecate
Date: 26 Jun 02 - 06:10 AM

There was a young man from taskent Whose penis was terribly bent to save himself trouble he bent the thing double and instead of coming he went.

There was a young lass from Devizes Who had breasts of varying sizes one was so small it was nothing at all but the other was large and won prizes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 26 Jun 02 - 06:22 AM

There was a young girl, a songwriter

Whose voice just got quieter and quieter

Until one day

It just faded away

rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: VoxFox
Date: 26 Jun 02 - 07:03 AM

Here's one I wrote (please don't throw veggies, makes a mess on your screen*BG*)
There's a place on the Web called Mudcat
And the people there know where it's at
They can talk everyday
'bout the songs that they play
Yes, they certainly know sharp from flat.


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 27 Jun 02 - 06:30 AM

The people at Mudcat, it seems
Can write lyrics and tunes in their dreams
But when I start to sing
the usual thing
Is my singing is drowned by their screams!


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 27 Jun 02 - 11:27 AM

A bold Knight from old Ankh-Morpork
Decided to go for a walk.
He'd survived the crusades,
So he went to 'The Shades'.!
And this Knight, his last word was just "Squawk"!


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: The Walrus at work
Date: 27 Jun 02 - 01:31 PM

A young architect named Yoric
One morning, while feeling euphoric,
Produced for inspection
Three kinds of erection,
Corintian, Ionic and Doric.

and an old favourite:

There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia.
The colour was fine
Likewise the design
But the aroma, now THAT was a failure!

Walrus


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: VoxFox
Date: 27 Jun 02 - 07:03 PM

I'll try my hand at another.
A very fine fellow named Spaw
Met with Cletus, the Reg Boys and Paw
They had bacon and beans
Well, you KNOW what that means
A new paint job is needed!(GUFFAW!)
I'll go now...VF


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bullfrog Jones
Date: 27 Jun 02 - 07:12 PM

A very strange bunch are Mudcatters
As a rule they're all mad as hatters
They find it a doddle
To spout utter twaddle
But always talk sense when it matters

BJ


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Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,Crazy Eddie
Date: 28 Jun 02 - 11:13 AM

There was a young girl fromthe Clyde
Who ate some green apples and died
For the apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside 'er insides.


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