mudcat.org: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
Lyrics & Knowledge Personal Pages Record Shop Auction Links Radio & Media Kids Membership Help
The Mudcat Cafeawe

Post to this Thread - Printer Friendly - Home
Page: [1] [2]


BS: Humor Us, Chapter II

Amos 31 Aug 01 - 03:30 PM
Jack the Sailor 31 Aug 01 - 03:58 PM
Jack the Sailor 31 Aug 01 - 04:00 PM
Gloredhel 31 Aug 01 - 04:51 PM
Rollo 31 Aug 01 - 05:12 PM
Deda 31 Aug 01 - 06:06 PM
Gareth 31 Aug 01 - 06:19 PM
Justa Picker 01 Sep 01 - 01:37 PM
Gloredhel 01 Sep 01 - 07:14 PM
Troll 01 Sep 01 - 07:47 PM
Crazy Eddie 02 Sep 01 - 06:50 AM
Banjer 02 Sep 01 - 07:46 PM
Gloredhel 02 Sep 01 - 08:12 PM
GUEST 03 Sep 01 - 06:57 PM
Amos 14 Nov 01 - 06:33 PM
katlaughing 14 Nov 01 - 10:05 PM
Bill D 14 Nov 01 - 11:36 PM
katlaughing 15 Nov 01 - 12:39 AM
Bill D 15 Nov 01 - 11:29 AM
Dead Horse 15 Nov 01 - 02:41 PM
Amergin 15 Nov 01 - 07:08 PM
Bill D 16 Nov 01 - 10:06 AM
Mrrzy 16 Nov 01 - 04:07 PM
Amergin 23 Nov 01 - 03:02 AM
Fibula Mattock 23 Nov 01 - 06:34 AM
Amos 28 Nov 01 - 11:52 PM
Amos 12 Dec 01 - 12:32 AM
Giac 12 Dec 01 - 01:11 AM
Chanteyranger 12 Dec 01 - 01:45 AM
CarolC 17 Dec 01 - 06:29 AM
Murray MacLeod 17 Dec 01 - 06:35 AM
Paul from Hull 17 Dec 01 - 08:01 AM
Paul from Hull 17 Dec 01 - 08:05 AM
GUEST 17 Dec 01 - 12:18 PM
Micca 17 Dec 01 - 12:32 PM
Mrrzy 17 Dec 01 - 12:48 PM
GUEST 17 Dec 01 - 01:08 PM
GUEST,Parent 17 Dec 01 - 01:30 PM
CarolC 17 Dec 01 - 05:11 PM
Murray MacLeod 17 Dec 01 - 06:12 PM
Paul from Hull 17 Dec 01 - 07:03 PM
Amos 18 Dec 01 - 11:37 AM
Amos 18 Dec 01 - 11:38 AM
Amos 16 Jan 02 - 11:19 AM
Amos 16 Jan 02 - 11:26 AM
Troll 17 Jan 02 - 02:12 AM
allie kiwi 18 Jan 02 - 03:48 AM
jeffp 18 Jan 02 - 08:22 AM
kendall 18 Jan 02 - 08:38 AM
kendall 18 Jan 02 - 08:45 AM
Lyrics & Knowledge Search [Advanced]
DT  Forum
Sort (Forum) by:relevance date
DT Lyrics:






Subject: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Amos
Date: 31 Aug 01 - 03:30 PM


Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


So this piece of string crawls into a chapel and wriggles all the way up to the altar and cries out, "How long??? How long???"

Would you believe I just made that up? Jeez!!!

Part One of this entertaining thread is over here...

Regards,

A


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 31 Aug 01 - 03:58 PM

Amos, Different Jokes, Same punchline.

Inchworm crawls the lenth of a leaf, ladybug asks him....

Measuring tape string crawls into a chapel and wriggles all the way up to the altar and crys.....

Woman walks up to a man in a bar and asks.....

One Chinese lady asks another one what is your boyfriend's name?...

I'll bet you can tell I made these up!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 31 Aug 01 - 04:00 PM

Big John --------

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops. A few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five three, thin, and basically meek? Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a big show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed "AND WHY NOT?!?!" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Gloredhel
Date: 31 Aug 01 - 04:51 PM

A theif jimmies the lock of the back door of a house and opens the door a crack. A voice says "Jesus is watching you." He gets scared and leaves. Two days later he tries again. He gets a few steps into the room when the voice says again, "Jesus is watching you." He quickly leaves.

The theif decides to try one more time. This time, absolutely sure that no one is home, he turns on the lights. A parrot on a perch in the corner of the room says, "Jesus is watching you." The theif starts to laugh, but hears a low growl behind him. He turns to see a large pitbull eyeing him. The parrot says "Sick'em, Jesus!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Rollo
Date: 31 Aug 01 - 05:12 PM

How do you starve a newfie? - You hide his unemployment cheque beneath his working shoes.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Deda
Date: 31 Aug 01 - 06:06 PM

Five Cannibals get appointed as engineers in a Defense Department Organization.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared, however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavowed all knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaning lady?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Division Chiefs and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaning lady!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Gareth
Date: 31 Aug 01 - 06:19 PM

Then there was this missionary, in Darkest Africa, trying to convert the Ungodley.

He had taken years to convince the tribes as to how they should fear God and respect the elderly.

One day his home chapel in South Wales decided to ask him what it was that he needed to spread the Word. And after many months a reply came back " A bicycle - it would make life so more efficient"

So a collection was held and and a bicycle paid for and sent to the mission station.

The Missionary was very pleased with his new bike, and cycled into the bush to reach his most far away tribe of canibals.

As he reached the village, a messenger ran to the cannibal chief. "Ah Chief, you remember how Missionary Jones kept telling us how the Welsh looked after the elderly ?".
"Yes ?".
" Well thier starting to deliver Meals on Wheels to us to !".

Gareth

For the benefit of the Cousins "Meals on Wheels" is the generetic term for Social Services delivering cooked meals to the elderly or infirm at home,


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Justa Picker
Date: 01 Sep 01 - 01:37 PM

Moses has just finished receiving the 10 Commandments from God. He takes a few steps towards the bottom of Mt. Sinai, and then stops, turns around, shakes his head, and says to God..."So lemme make sure I've got this right. The Arabs get all the oil and we get to slice our pricks?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Gloredhel
Date: 01 Sep 01 - 07:14 PM

A Jewish man had a son. When the boy grew up, he announced to his father that he was becoming a Christian. The man didn't know what to do. So he went to the rabbi. "Rabbi, I had a good Jewish son, but now he says he's a Christian. What am I going to do?" The rabbi says, "I had a good Jewish son, too, and he became a Christian. I don't know what to do, but let us pray." So they both went into the synagogue and prayed, asking, "God, we had good Jewish sons, but they are Christians now. What should we do?" The earthe began to shake, lightning flashed, and God said, "I had a good Jewish son...."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Troll
Date: 01 Sep 01 - 07:47 PM

Wife Control

Three guys were drinking in a pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?
The third fellow said, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, She said, "Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!"

troll


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 02 Sep 01 - 06:50 AM

A Scotsman, Italian and Irishman are all having a good time and agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says; "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one.
At MacDougal's, you buy a drink,then you buy another drink, then MacDougal himself will buy you your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

But then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, dere's an even better one.
Over in Brooklyn, dere's this place called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You >buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis bar dat's even better called Morphy's.
At Morphy's, dey buy you your first drink, then dey buy you your second drink, then dey buy you your thurd drink, and den, dey buy you your fourth drink, then they take you in de back, and get you laid!"

Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did this actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Banjer
Date: 02 Sep 01 - 07:46 PM

Three Irish lads are staggering home and singing at the tops of their lungs at three o'clock in the morning. As they pass by one house the shutters open and an irate lady is heard to yell, 'Shut up all that catterwallin' ye bunch of hooligans'.

One of the boys calls out, 'Would that be the Missus O'leary bellerin' at us in that tone'.

"Yes it is and I'll be thankin' ye to let decent people sleep'

'Well now Missus O'leary', comes the reply, 'If you would be so kind as to tell us which of us is yer husbin', the rest of us will be goin' on'!!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Gloredhel
Date: 02 Sep 01 - 08:12 PM

Mruphy goes out to the pub every night. One evening, Mrs. Murphy complained and asked him if he wouldn't spent just one evening with her. "Alright," says Murphy,"If you want to spend an evenin' together, you come to the pub with me."

So she went to the pub with him, but since she didn't drink, she didn't know what to order. Murphy ordered a pint o' Guinness, so she asked for just a small glass of the same. Murphy took a big swig from his pint, and Mrs. Murphy took a small sip, but promptly spit it out. "Jay-sus, this is terrible stuff, Murphy! And you come here every night to drink it?" says she. "And all this time you thought I was enjoyin' meself," says he.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Sep 01 - 06:57 PM

A Scots soldier goes into a pharmacy (chemist's, to those of you across the pond) and walks up to the counter.

"May I help you?" says the pharmacist.

"Perhaps you can," replies the soldier. He reaches into his bag and pulls out an obviously much-used condom. Pointing to it, he says, "Can you see the tear in it?"

"Aye, I can," replies the pharmacist.

"Can it be repaired?"

"Aye," says the pharmacist.

"How much to repair it, then?" asks the soldier.

"One shilling."

"How much to replace it?"

"Two shillings," is the reply.

"Thank you very much," says the soldier, and he puts the condom away and leaves.

The next day the soldier returns.

"May I help you?" says the pharmacist.

"Aye, you can," replies the soldier. "The regiment has voted to have it repaired."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Amos
Date: 14 Nov 01 - 06:33 PM

Recent notes on Human Logical Capabilities:

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant a lot like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags", and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...... does that mean that 1 out of 5 actually enjoys it?

The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 326 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals. He just thinks they need more supervision.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a "whack"?

If a pig loses its voice, is it "disgruntled"?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you "put your two cents in", what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a "broker"?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety-one"?

If lawyers are "disbarred" and clergymen "defrocked", doesn't it follow that electricians can be "delighted", and musicians can be "denoted"?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use?

Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?

What are we supposed to do, write to them?

\Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps, so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: katlaughing
Date: 14 Nov 01 - 10:05 PM

Thanks to Little John Cameron for this one:

Christmas with Louise, long story but very funny. An article was submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE .

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year, I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been to an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush Hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise". She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Bill D
Date: 14 Nov 01 - 11:36 PM

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to other, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big breasts.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Nov 01 - 12:39 AM

Hmmmm, has Ferrara seen this, BillDee?**BG**


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Nov 01 - 11:29 AM

I'm still typing, ain't I?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Dead Horse
Date: 15 Nov 01 - 02:41 PM

*Borrowed* from a cajun web-site:- The Hole in the Ground Boudreaux and Pierre were walking through the woods one day, when Boudreaux grabbed Pierre by the arm pulling him back. Boudreaux says, "Whooee, Pierre, look at dat big hole you almost stepped in!" Pierre looks down into the hole, and says, "Whooee, Boudreaux, dat sure looks like a deep hole. I wonder how deep dat hole goes ?" They find a rock, and throw it into the hole, listening to see how long it will take to hit the bottom. They don't hear nothing. They find a bigger rock and repeat the process, but still don't hear it hit. Pierre notices a railroad tie lying in the bushes, picks it up and throws it into the hole. While they are listening for the railroad tie to hit the bottom, a little billy goat comes running out of the bushes, runs right between them and jumps into the hole. A few minutes later, their friend, Thibodaux comes walking through the bushes. Boudreaux says, "Hey Thibodaux, what you doin' way out here in de woods?" Thibodaux answers, "Well I'm out here looking for my little billy goat." Pierre says, "You want to hear sometin funny, Thibodaux? The strangest ting just happen. A little billy goat just came running out dem bushes, and jumped right in dat deep hole right dere." Thibodaux says, "Oh, dat couldn't have been my billy goat. My goat was tied to a railroad tie back in dose bushes!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Amergin
Date: 15 Nov 01 - 07:08 PM

Aussie Windows


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Bill D
Date: 16 Nov 01 - 10:06 AM

Redneck Windows No purty pitchers.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Nov 01 - 04:07 PM

I laughed so loud at Louise and the grandfather that people in neighboring offices were looking out... that is a howl! Thanks!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Amergin
Date: 23 Nov 01 - 03:02 AM

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your arse!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 23 Nov 01 - 06:34 AM

This one is coutrtesy of the landlord at my local:

There were these two blokes drinking in the pub, and the barman goes over to them and asks them what they do for a living.
"I'm a beekeeper," says the first one. "I keep bees"
"Really?" asks the barman. "And how many bees do you have?"
"Ten thousand" says the man.
"Right. And how many hives do you have for them?"
"Ah, five."
So the barman turns to the second man and asks "What do you do?"
"I'm a beekeeper too" he says.
"Ah, your not serious are ya?" says the barman.
"Aye," says the second man. "That's how we know each other - we both keep bees."
"Well, how many bees do you have?" asks the barman.
"About a million," says the second man.
"So how many hives have you got?"
"One. Fuck 'em."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Amos
Date: 28 Nov 01 - 11:52 PM

 
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

 Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, prior to the Lakers winning the NBA title, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored in yet."

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints General Manager, when asked after a losswhat he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating."

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, only darker."

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 12:32 AM

OLD GEEZERS

Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:

At sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem,

Old Geezers hold their caps over their hearts and sing without

embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.

Old Geezers remember World War I, the Depression, World

War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler.

They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold

War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.

If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize.

If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his

cap to a lady.

Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women.

Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always,

when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of

women and children and they don't like violence and filth on

TV or in movies.

Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's

about their grandchildren.

It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected,

not by politicians or lawyers, but by the young men and women

in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need

them now more than ever. Thank God for Old Geezers!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Giac
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 01:11 AM

Amen.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Chanteyranger
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 01:45 AM

Good words, Amos! I am reminded of this joke, though: Two old men are sitting on the front porch of a rest home. One asks the other, "Did you and your wife ever have mutual orgasm?" The other pauses for a few seconds, and answers, "No...we had Allstate."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: CarolC
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 06:29 AM

A woman came home just in time to find her husband having an affair. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his tally-whacker in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to... cut it off, are you?!"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

(I didn't write this. I stole it.)


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 06:35 AM

In that situation, Carol, my MO is to remove the blade from the hacksaw and use the frame as a makeshift vise handle. Much less painful.....

Murray


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 08:01 AM

The al Qaida, finally realising the game is up, abandon Bin Laden in his cave. However, once they all get above ground, they realise that things are looking bleak. They are almost surrounded...the Northern Alliance are approaching, predictably, from the North, U.S. Ground troops are coming from the East, & Westwards up the valley, air attacks are making things so unpleasant that there is no chance of escape that way. Only to the South does there seem any chance, for all they can see that way is some strange thing against the sky over the ridge. As they get closer, they see its a kite, being flown by a lone figure on the crest of the ridge, & there is the sound of Western music from what must be a portable stereo.

Incensed by this, many of the al Qaida charge towards the figure, while their Commander & his less reckless troops stand watching, passing a pair of binoculars around...

"Is the British...is the S.A.S." they decide, after careful observation, & they watch in amazement as the lone figure continues flying his kite, jigging about to the music, & rubbing a bayonet across his chin, making gestures that look like shaving, towards the charging troops....then he steps back behind the ridge, the kite sill flying high overhead.

Over the crest go the charging al Qaida, & there is the sound of considerable gunfire, & cartoon-like, figures are thrown up in the air, indicative of a fierce fight...while the kite just bobs up & down a little, & the music continues, as all other noises subside.

Then the same lone figure comes dancing uo to the crest of the ridge again, still flying his kite. More shaving gestures, & the angry commander sends the rest of his men charging up the slope, & stands there with his binoculars, watching this impudent British soldier.

As the troops are almost at the top of the ridge, a bearded figure, his turban unravelling, comes crawling back over the ridge,battered, bleeding, & ragged toward the advancing rabble...

"Go back, go back" he shouts hoarsely, waving a weary arm. "Go BACK..its a trap..There's TWO of them..."

ey thenkyew.....*G*


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 08:05 AM

...& Murray...the hacksaw 'frame'...it sounds like you speak from experience?

*G*


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 12:18 PM

Right on, Amos, you old geezer! I assume you're an "old geezer" because all of your posts that I've ever read seem to have the wisdom behind them that only comes from years of experience.

Cheers


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Micca
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 12:32 PM

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped apackage on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. Theclerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 12:48 PM

The one about Lou Duva reminds me of a friend who had a lovely country house with a large glassed-in room facing South; he claimed the advantage in the wintertime (and I quote) was that you didn't have to get up at the crack of dawn to see the sun rise.

The one about the kite-flyers reminds me of Rory o'the Glen, from I believe either Roger Zelazny or Larry Niven. Very funny!

And I especially like the tallywhacker in the vise. There ought to be a Lorena Bobbitt reference in there somewhere...

So, OK, not new, but I've been running into people who haven't heard it...this is my favorite sexist joke:
Q: Why don't women have brains?
A: Because they don't have a scrotum
to carry'm around in!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 01:08 PM

Ned had this hunting dog he called old Joe. Smart dog was old Joe. Ned was always coming back from hunting with a whole mess of birds. Ned's buddy Sam was curious about Ned's luck, and asked him about it. Ned said, "Why, it's old Joe here that tells me whar all the birds are. He kin count 'em. Sam said, "Uh, huh. Yeah, right. Ain't no dog kin count. Ned says, "C'mon out with me, an' I'll show ya."

So they go out real early the next morning. All of a sudden, old Joe stands stock-still, looking at a bush, and barks twice. Ned says, "Thar's two pheasants in that thar bush." Sam says, "C'mon now Ned, you really 'spect me to believe that thar dawg knows 'zactly how many birds'r in thar?" Ned says, "Yep, watch this. He gives the bush a kick, and out flies two pheasants. They come to another bush, and old Joe stops abruptly, stares at the bush and barks four times. Sam says, "Don't tell me. I s'pose thar's four birds in that bush." "Yep", says Ned and gives it a kick, and sure enough, out comes four pheasants. Sam is absolutely amazed. He just has to have that dog. He begs Ned to sell old Joe to him. Ned finally gives in and turns old Joe over for an agreed-upon sum.

Two days later, Sam meets up with Ned and demands his money back. Sam says, "Ya' done tricked me. I took that dang dawg out a' huntin' yesterday, an' allovasudden, he sniffs at this bush, starts runnin' all over tarnation, picks up this big' ol' tree branch, comes back at me, jes' a shakin' the dang thang like crazy, and a humpin' on my dang leg. I figgur this here's a mad dawg. Ain't no use to me." Ned says, "Naw, hold on now, Sam. Old Joe ain't crazy. He waz jes' tryin' to tell ya' there waz more f--kin' birds in that bush than you could shake a big stick at." Old Joe was a shaggy dog, by the way.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: GUEST,Parent
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 01:30 PM

Raising a teenager is like trying to nail jell-o to a tree.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: CarolC
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 05:11 PM

Does that happen to you very often, Murray?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 06:12 PM

Paul and Carol, perhaps I should have written, "My suggested MO would be to remove etc etc.

Perish the thought that I should ever have to put it into practice .......(what's the emoticon for "wince" ?)

Murray


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 07:03 PM

Exactly, mate!

*eyes watering*


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Amos
Date: 18 Dec 01 - 11:37 AM

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were gone, heaven only knows where to. More Stress!

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the bag full of toys fell to the ground and scattered them everywhere.

Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa just cussed on his way to the door, for he surly did not need the interruption at this time. Totally frustrated now, he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?"

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Amos
Date: 18 Dec 01 - 11:38 AM

A Guy's Guy

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jan 02 - 11:19 AM

> An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. He > painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of > coffee. > > The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over > there?". The waitress nodded so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a > cup > of coffee too. > > The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He > shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a glass of hot tea. > He > also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over > there?". > The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot > tea > too. > > The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck. He swaggered > over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thing, hows > about > gettin me a cold glass of Coke!". He too looked across the restaurant > and > asked "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded so the > Redneck > said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke too. > > As Jesus got up to leave. He passed by the Irishman and touched him and > said "For your kindness, you are healed. The Irishman felt the strength > come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door. > > Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your > kindness, you are healed." The English man felt his back straightening > up > and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back > flips > out the door. > > Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumps up and yells, > "Hey > man, don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability !"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jan 02 - 11:26 AM

Good Southern Humor...

How do you know when you're staying in a Southern hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead."

__________________________________________________

How can you tell if an redneck is married? There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

__________________________________________________

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. _________________________________________________

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Texas? A documentary.

__________________________________________________

How many rednecks does it take to eat a deer? Two. One to eat and one to watch for traffic.

__________________________________________________

Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush. ________________________________

An Alabama HP pulled over a pickup truck on Highway 2. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says "Bout what?"

__________________________________________________

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

__________________________________________________

Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Arkansas? Nearly everyone has the same DNA.

__________________________________________________

Did you hear that Clinton's house in Hope, Burned Down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

__________________________________________________

Two Rednecks are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a bag. When they meet, one says "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guess how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmmmmm . . . five?"

__________________________________________________

What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Texas and a flood in Alabama have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

__________________________________________________

A Redneck came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "How do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you still have them big red trucks?" _________________________________________________

Why do folks in Arkansas go to the movies theater in groups of 18 or more? 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: Troll
Date: 17 Jan 02 - 02:12 AM

Dumb Blondes (?) ------------ A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Fat Theology ------------- And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

troll


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: allie kiwi
Date: 18 Jan 02 - 03:48 AM

I'd love that last joke if i knew what an HMO was...

Allie
having either blond day, or suffering from being foreign


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: jeffp
Date: 18 Jan 02 - 08:22 AM

HMO=Health Maintenance Organization - a poor way of delivering health care, full of frustration, service denials and waiting.....especially waiting.

jeffp


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: kendall
Date: 18 Jan 02 - 08:38 AM

Paul, have you ever heard Matt McGinn's song about the Roman soldiers and the Highlander? Same plot.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
From: kendall
Date: 18 Jan 02 - 08:45 AM

Investment returns

If you bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00 If you bought $1000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all of the beer and returned the cans for the nickle deposit, you would have $79.00. Conclusion? Start drinking heavily and recycle.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate
Next Page

 


This Thread Is Closed.


Mudcat time: 9 December 12:53 PM EST

[ Home ]

All original material is copyright © 1998 by the Mudcat Café Music Foundation, Inc. All photos, music, images, etc. are copyright © by their rightful owners. Every effort is taken to attribute appropriate copyright to images, content, music, etc. We are not a copyright resource.