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BS: Extremely Irritating Geordie Jokes

Bagpuss 02 May 01 - 01:03 PM
mousethief 02 May 01 - 01:19 PM
Les from Hull 02 May 01 - 01:22 PM
Noreen 02 May 01 - 01:23 PM
mousethief 02 May 01 - 02:30 PM
bill\sables 02 May 01 - 02:36 PM
mousethief 02 May 01 - 02:41 PM
bill\sables 02 May 01 - 02:44 PM
John Routledge 02 May 01 - 03:04 PM
MMario 02 May 01 - 03:30 PM
Matt_R 02 May 01 - 03:33 PM
Bagpuss 02 May 01 - 03:49 PM
Anglo 02 May 01 - 04:58 PM
Jeri 02 May 01 - 06:11 PM
bill\sables 02 May 01 - 07:32 PM
bill\sables 02 May 01 - 07:43 PM
GUEST,teaars of laughter here 02 May 01 - 08:01 PM
katlaughing 02 May 01 - 10:17 PM
mousethief 02 May 01 - 11:16 PM
katlaughing 03 May 01 - 12:08 AM
Terry K 03 May 01 - 01:05 AM
Bagpuss 03 May 01 - 08:42 AM
MikeofNorthumbria 03 May 01 - 09:46 AM
A Wandering Minstrel 03 May 01 - 11:17 AM
John Routledge 03 May 01 - 02:57 PM
Murray MacLeod 03 May 01 - 06:38 PM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 04 May 01 - 04:43 AM
Dave the Gnome 04 May 01 - 05:01 AM
Dave the Gnome 04 May 01 - 05:09 AM
Tony in Sweden 04 May 01 - 08:49 AM
Bagpuss 04 May 01 - 10:00 AM
Bagpuss 04 May 01 - 10:03 AM
Bagpuss 04 May 01 - 10:21 AM
Les from Hull 04 May 01 - 10:22 AM
GUEST 24 Jul 12 - 06:23 PM
Tug the Cox 24 Jul 12 - 08:07 PM
Bainbo 24 Jul 12 - 08:30 PM
GUEST 25 Jul 12 - 11:56 AM
GUEST,saulgoldie 25 Jul 12 - 12:13 PM
Bainbo 25 Jul 12 - 12:35 PM
GUEST,Eliza 25 Jul 12 - 12:52 PM
Banjo-Flower 25 Jul 12 - 03:31 PM
Wolfhound person 25 Jul 12 - 04:33 PM
Dave Sutherland 25 Jul 12 - 05:19 PM
Tug the Cox 25 Jul 12 - 07:22 PM
Pete Jennings 26 Jul 12 - 08:42 AM
dick greenhaus 26 Jul 12 - 12:10 PM
MGM·Lion 26 Jul 12 - 12:18 PM
GUEST,A geordie 31 Jul 12 - 11:36 AM
Wolfhound person 31 Jul 12 - 11:54 AM
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Subject: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Bagpuss
Date: 02 May 01 - 01:03 PM

A woman goes into a hairdressers in Gateshead and says "Can I have a perm please". The hairdresser replies "Yes of course. I wander lonely as a cloud....."

Two geordie donkeys in a rowing boat. One says "Eeyore", the other replies "Bugger off!! Ye Oar!"


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: mousethief
Date: 02 May 01 - 01:19 PM

Those are extremely irritating, all right.

Are Geordie jokes meant to be meaningless, or is there something I'm missing?

Alex


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Les from Hull
Date: 02 May 01 - 01:22 PM

It's a dialect/pronunciation thing, Alex.


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Noreen
Date: 02 May 01 - 01:23 PM

They lose something when you write them down,KT!!

Alex, you have to be able to imagine it spoken in a Geordie accent... where perm sounds somewhat like poem...or isn't that a Hull accent??


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: mousethief
Date: 02 May 01 - 02:30 PM

What in the bloody blue blazes is a Geordie accent, then?


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: bill\sables
Date: 02 May 01 - 02:36 PM

Wey ye bugger moosethief, If ye divint knaa wat a Geordie aksent is ye've nivor lived. It is, as ivorybody knaas, the langwige wat folks taak wat leevs between Yorksha an Skotland.
Bill


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: mousethief
Date: 02 May 01 - 02:41 PM

People still live between Yorkshire and Scotland? I thought they had all died of mad cow disease or foot-and-mouth or something. Nae wonder they talk funny.

Alex


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: bill\sables
Date: 02 May 01 - 02:44 PM

So you do understand it!!!!!
Bill


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: John Routledge
Date: 02 May 01 - 03:04 PM

A Geordie is a Scotsman with his brains bashed back in again.Apologies to Alex. Geordie(Broons all Roond)Broon


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: MMario
Date: 02 May 01 - 03:30 PM

sure - to understand Geordie,or Lallands, for that matter; just run it through a spellchecker! (joke! joke!)


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Matt_R
Date: 02 May 01 - 03:33 PM

Yeah, geez Alex, get with the program! Yabuggah!


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Bagpuss
Date: 02 May 01 - 03:49 PM

Do you think I'll get accused of some sort of 'ism if I tell some mackem jokes. I mean its not as if any mackems are around to take offence (yes folks, leave a fence lying around and a mackem will nick it) - they haven't worked out how to use the computers they got in the last ram raid....

*duck......*


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Anglo
Date: 02 May 01 - 04:58 PM

Well, the perm joke had me in stitches. Like the fellow who hurt his leg at work, the (regular English) doctor says, "Don't walk on it for a week." Geordie says, "Work! (pronounced 'walk'). Man, I cannae even walk (pronounced something like 'wark').


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Jeri
Date: 02 May 01 - 06:11 PM

The New Geordie Dictionary. (I wonder what happened to the aad ae.)


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: bill\sables
Date: 02 May 01 - 07:32 PM

One day a Frenchman was driving a rental car in Northumberland Street in Newcastle when he was dunched (hit) from behind by a Geordie driver. They both got out to examine the dammage and exchange insurance companies. Two days later the Frenchman was wondering around Newcastle looking for an insurance company called "Haddaway and Shite"
Bill


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: bill\sables
Date: 02 May 01 - 07:43 PM

Then there was the Geordie Indian Scout who worked for General Custer just before the Little Big Horn incident. One day Custer said "Geordie git on that thar hoss and ride over them thar hills and see if you can find any Indians"
"All reet sor, am on me way" replied Geordie.
Two days later Geordie rode back into the fort with arrows in his hat and arrows in his saddle saying
"Sor, Sor, Just ower them hills is thoosands and thoosands of Indians"
"What are they a doing" said Custer
"Wey they'r playin drums" said Geordie.
"Are they war drums" asked Custer
"Wey no man, Aa think they're theors"


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: GUEST,teaars of laughter here
Date: 02 May 01 - 08:01 PM

It is the best accent I ever did hear - Now for the mystery of the Boat, WHERE did it come in?


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 May 01 - 10:17 PM

theors, Bill? Please! That's one that has me completely flummoxed!**BG**


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: mousethief
Date: 02 May 01 - 11:16 PM

Doesn't take a Cumbrian to decode that joke, Kat:

"Are they our drums?"

"No I think they're theirs"

Alex


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: katlaughing
Date: 03 May 01 - 12:08 AM

Ah, it was the war that threw me off, Alex, thanks!


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Terry K
Date: 03 May 01 - 01:05 AM

Self respecting Cumbrians, it's time to cry.


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Bagpuss
Date: 03 May 01 - 08:42 AM

Anglo - I'm sure Spike Milligan tells a tale of when he was in the army under a Geordie sergeant who told them to "walk around the clock" (as they heard it)....

A little girl is walking along the sea front at South Shields when a great big rottweiler runs up and attacks her. A man runs to the rescue, pulls the dog off her and snaps its neck in the process. Another man comes running up to him and says, "I saw what you did and it was amazing! I'm a reporter for the Chronicle, can I write a story about you? The headline could be 'South Shields Saviour'"

The first man replies, "Actually, I'm not from South Shields".

"Well, Geordie hero saves girl"

"Actually, I'm from Sunderland"

"Ok, I know the perfect headline, leave it to me"

The Sunderland man gets the Chronicle especially the next day to see what has been written about him and sees the headline...

"SAVAGE MACKEM SLAYS FAMILY PET"


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: MikeofNorthumbria
Date: 03 May 01 - 09:46 AM

A true Geordie-speak story:

Shortly after arriving on Tyneside (around 30 years ago, and I'm still here!) I went to Newcastle's Central Station, and asked for a ticket to Corbridge - a village about twenty miles to the east. The official at the window shook his head and said: "Yer hevter pee on the Treen!" This left me baffled. For folks of my vintage, the Treens were inhabitants of the planet Venus, whose dastardly plans for the conquest of Earth were frustrated by our comic book hero, Dan Dare - Pilot of the Future. For a moment I had visions of doing to the Mekon (the chief Treen)what DD had been wanting to do to him since the comic strip began. And then it clicked - the ticket man was telling me that I had to PAY on the TRAIN. What a relief!

Wassail!


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: A Wandering Minstrel
Date: 03 May 01 - 11:17 AM

Ne mystery hinny, The boat comes in at North Shields.

In Viking days there was a man at the end of the Fish Quay at nights to look out for raiders. One night he's there when He hears a splash of oars so he calls out

"whe's Theor" and from the fog a nordic voice replies "Anna" (The name of the longship ye see!)

wor Canny lad thinks a moment then shouts back

"A Kna ye kna, but I diven't kna cos a cannit see yer thru this fog!"


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: John Routledge
Date: 03 May 01 - 02:57 PM

My name is fraudulent!! I should be Mackem Broon. The first born in each family were born in hospital and the nearest hospital to first born me was in SUNDERLAND. AAAGGHH. Yours apologetically in the hope of genetic modification. Geordie Broon


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 03 May 01 - 06:38 PM

Ohmigod I love Geordie humour. Keep them coming. Americans mystified by all this might like to check out www.viz.co.uk. Viz is an extremely funny adult comic published in Newcastle and while not all the characters are Geordies, some of the funniest are. Sid the Sexist, I seem to remember, was a Geordie, and Biffa Bacon, too. The Fat Slags as well? Although my favourite character was from Dorset (I think) Farmer Palmer. ("Get orf moy laaaand")

Will somebody do a blicky for the Viz URL? Thanks.

Murray

Murray


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 04 May 01 - 04:43 AM

...and if anyone wants to understand some of the by-play between the assorted exiled UK West Midlands (Black Country) 'catters like myself, Steve Parkes, Rana and Mr Red... Click Here for Black Country jokes
RtS (tara each)


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 May 01 - 05:01 AM

I think regional accents and dialects are great. Can create some really good humour like the above tales. Can use it in almost any region as well but I suspect they will loose something if you don't know the accent. Try -

Black country

Customer: I'd like to buy something to go to a 60's evening in please
Assistant: How about a kipper tie?
Customer: Yes please, milk and two sugers...

or Edinborough

Customer: Is that a sponge cake or a merigue? Assistant: Aye, it is sponge cake and yer nae wrang...

Cheers

DtG


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 May 01 - 05:09 AM

And do I notice a distinct lack of respect for the good people of Sunderland by the equaly upright citizens of Newcastle...

Over here in Manchester we have scouse jokes (and I think Liverpudlians reciprocate with 'mank' jokes)

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in North London and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Spurs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Spurs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Spurs fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Spurs fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm an Arsenal fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you an Arsenal fan?" "Because my mum and dad are from Highbury, and my mum is an Arsenal fan and my dad is an Arsenal fan, so I'm an Arsenal fan too!" "Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be an Arsenal fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief? What would you be then?" "Then I'd be a Liverpool fan", said Mary.

Cheers

DtG


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Tony in Sweden
Date: 04 May 01 - 08:49 AM

Geordie went to sign on at the dole. the dole clerk says "I've got just the job for you, can you drive?"
"I can anaal", says Geordie.
"Well", says the clerk "Start tomorrow, driver/conductor on a corporation bus, that means you drive, also collect fares".
Next day Geordie gets on the road wuth his double-decker bus. Two o'clock in the afternoon the phone rings in the bus depot. Geordies on the phone, "Can ye git oot here sharp to Porcy Street, the bus has gone through a shop window, broken glass aall ower".
"Good God!" says the inspector on the other end, "How did it happen?"
"I divvent knaa", says Geordie "I was upstairs taking the fairs at the time!"

There is a makam driving through the country near Shiremoor. She is wearing a toon top instead of her normal red and white top because she is sick of being made fun of.As she is driving along she notices some lambs in a field so she stops at a farmers house and asks, "those lambs are so cute, if I can guess how many you have, can I have one?"
The farmer says "Nae bother pet".
She quickly counts them and says "91!".
The farmer looks puzzled but says "Ok. Pet, take one."
As the lass is walking back to her car the farmer asks "Whey pet, If aa can guess the team you really support lyke, can aa have me dog back?"

Tony.


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Bagpuss
Date: 04 May 01 - 10:00 AM

For an english to geordie translator (which has a link to the viz site on it I think - here is a blicky

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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Bagpuss
Date: 04 May 01 - 10:03 AM

oops, try this instead

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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Bagpuss
Date: 04 May 01 - 10:21 AM

One last link to a particularly funny site dedicated to a specific breed of Geordie known as the Charva

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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Les from Hull
Date: 04 May 01 - 10:22 AM

I love the English to Geordie translator. If only I knew English. I think what our geographically challenged friends wanted though was a Geordie to English translator.

I've just had great fun snipping passages out of the Orient Express epic and translating them into Geordie. Maybes just them wi' easy wards, but.**

**subtitle - only select paragraphs with simple words in them - it doen't translate long or difficult words.

Les


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Jul 12 - 06:23 PM

Im a geordie and some of the banter on here is mint


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Tug the Cox
Date: 24 Jul 12 - 08:07 PM

Geordie marine recruit comes to CTRMC Lympstone. First night out ashore the guys hit the local night club. After a couple of hours all his mtes are getting dances....but he is hetting rejected after his chat up line. he asks them how they do it' first be polite, then find something to compliment them about' he is told. he politely asks a girl to dance, then is getting nowhwere....one of his mates whispers ' find something to compliment her about....he says ' hey ya don't sweat much...for a fat girl!'

When he finally learned the art he managed to get a girl back to her flat. As they looked into each others eyes he says ' Aye, your'e a bonny lass' ' what do you mean 'Bonny' don't you like me?' she asks. Naw its a geordie word it means I like ya. She pulls off her top, revealing her breasts ' Hi, what a pair of Bobby dazzlers!' he exclaims. 'Whats that mean...don't you like my tits?'she cries. Naw lass, its a geordie phrase it means they're great' she takes off her knickers revealing her genitalia...' Hi, that's a canny'un' he says. 'Is that another geordie word? she asks. No, he says 'I think its American!'


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Subject: RE: EXTREMELY IRRITATING GEORDIE JOKES
From: Bainbo
Date: 24 Jul 12 - 08:30 PM

A motorist, rather shaken, walks into Ashington police station and says: "I need to report a terrible accident. I've just run over a kerb."

"You've run over a kerb?" says the desk sergeant. "Well, that's not very serious."

"Yes, it is," says the driver. "And it's Berb-a-Jerb Week, an' aal."


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Subject: RE: BS: Extremely Irritating Geordie Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 25 Jul 12 - 11:56 AM

Ashington is a large (ex) pit village about 15 miles north of Newcastle. The first time I heard the 'perm' joke at the top of this thread it was told by a Geordie about Ashington. When I first worked there it took me about a month before I could claim to understand at least half of what was said to me! (They say that their dialect is pitmatic Geordie.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Extremely Irritating Geordie Jokes
From: GUEST,saulgoldie
Date: 25 Jul 12 - 12:13 PM

I get a kick out of trying to figure out what they meant. However, I am stumped by "kerb" and the other "erbs."

Saul


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Subject: RE: BS: Extremely Irritating Geordie Jokes
From: Bainbo
Date: 25 Jul 12 - 12:35 PM

Right. A joke's never very funny when you have to explain it. But if you don't understand a word, then it's not funny at all. So here goes:

In British pre-decimal currency, a bob was slang for a shilling - one twentieth of a pound.

The Boy Scouts and their younger equivalents, the Cub Socuts - usually abbreviated to "Scouts" and "Cubs" - used to devote a week to carrying out odd jobs for householders in return for a shilling for Scout funds. This continued to be called Bob-a-Job Week, even though the amount of money donated gradually went up until eventually the practice of encouraging young boys to knock on strangers' doors was scrapped.

So.

The policeman thinks the drver is reporting that he's run over a kerb (or curb, in the U.S.).

He is, in fact, reporting that he's run over a small boy who was out doing good deeds. "I've just run over a Cub ... and it's Bob-a-Job Week, too."


Whey, yer bugga! Ah'll have ter gan fer a lie-doon, noo!


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Subject: RE: BS: Extremely Irritating Geordie Jokes
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 25 Jul 12 - 12:52 PM

My old Grandad was born, bred and lived all his life in North Shields. I well remember him taking me to see the fishing 'bwoats' and being thrown a herring by a man, for our tea. My Grandad tried to teach me Blaydon Races. He took me to his local pub, thick Players smoke, cloth caps and whippets. I was four. He sat me on the bar and I began to sing. But I was a rather posh little Middlesex girl, and sang "All the leds end lesses thear, All with smailing faices, going along the Scotswood Road... to see the Bleeding Races." The men roared, but my poor Grandad wasn't best pleased! (I couldn't understand a word my Granny said, except "Eeee!")


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Subject: RE: BS: Extremely Irritating Geordie Jokes
From: Banjo-Flower
Date: 25 Jul 12 - 03:31 PM

"Hi, that's a canny'un' he says. 'Is that another geordie word? she asks. No, he says 'I think its American!' "

took a while before the penny dropped

Gerry


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Subject: RE: BS: Extremely Irritating Geordie Jokes
From: Wolfhound person
Date: 25 Jul 12 - 04:33 PM

I live 3 miles from Ashington, right where pitmatic meets rural Northumbrian, which is a whole different accent / dialect again.

Back in the days when the village had a post office, listening to customers in the queue on pension collection day was an exercise in linguistics.

They speak the nearest to "Angle-ish" that there is anywhere in the UK, I think. Its not a dialect, it's a language. For dealings with outsiders, they switch to "modern" English, but do appreciate it if outsiders make the effort to choose their words carefully!

Paws


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Subject: RE: BS: Extremely Irritating Geordie Jokes
From: Dave Sutherland
Date: 25 Jul 12 - 05:19 PM

Last season I asked a Makem the way to the Stadium of Light; he told me to follow the crowds; I ended up in Primark.

Last time I went to see the Makems I stayed until the final whistle; that way you get to miss the traffic.


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Subject: RE: BS: Extremely Irritating Geordie Jokes
From: Tug the Cox
Date: 25 Jul 12 - 07:22 PM

I am told on good authority that geordie and frisian island sailors are mutually intelligible!


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Subject: RE: BS: Extremely Irritating Geordie Jokes
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 26 Jul 12 - 08:42 AM

When I was in top class at a Midlands junior school we stood at the front of the hall facing the rest of the school. We took it in turns to read the Lord's Prayer line by line with the school repeating each line.

Come my turn, with my Geordie accent, I said "Our Father which art in heaven" and there was absolute silence.

Many years later a pal asked if I had seen so-and-so. I hadn't. When I saw him again later I asked if he had found him yet. "No", he replied in his best Brummie accent, "he ay on the fowan!".

Judi's taught the puppy to obey several commands. I have to use her Brummie accent before he does anything I tell him...


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Subject: RE: BS: Extremely Irritating Geordie Jokes
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 26 Jul 12 - 12:10 PM

Wolfhound Person--
A language is a dialect with a navy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Extremely Irritating Geordie Jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 26 Jul 12 - 12:18 PM

Does that explain why the Swiss don't have one then, Dick?

~M~


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Subject: RE: BS: Extremely Irritating Geordie Jokes
From: GUEST,A geordie
Date: 31 Jul 12 - 11:36 AM

Has anyone in this conversation actually been to newcastle!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Extremely Irritating Geordie Jokes
From: Wolfhound person
Date: 31 Jul 12 - 11:54 AM

Yes.

Paws


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