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St. Patrick's Week Jokes

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PATRICK WAS A GENTLEMAN


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UB Ed 13 Mar 01 - 12:11 PM
GUEST,Fibula Mattock 13 Mar 01 - 12:19 PM
Mr Red 13 Mar 01 - 12:34 PM
GUEST,AggieBethie 13 Mar 01 - 12:40 PM
Mrrzy 13 Mar 01 - 12:45 PM
GUEST 13 Mar 01 - 01:24 PM
Bert 13 Mar 01 - 01:38 PM
Mr Red 13 Mar 01 - 01:47 PM
Pseudolus 13 Mar 01 - 01:58 PM
Fiolar 13 Mar 01 - 02:13 PM
Banjer 13 Mar 01 - 08:22 PM
CRANKY YANKEE 13 Mar 01 - 11:04 PM
English Jon 14 Mar 01 - 03:46 AM
Fiolar 14 Mar 01 - 09:18 AM
Snuffy 14 Mar 01 - 09:32 AM
alison 14 Mar 01 - 10:00 AM
GUEST 14 Mar 01 - 10:11 AM
UB Ed 14 Mar 01 - 11:05 AM
aussiebloke 14 Mar 01 - 12:10 PM
Bat Goddess 14 Mar 01 - 12:20 PM
Pseudolus 14 Mar 01 - 12:22 PM
cait 14 Mar 01 - 04:32 PM
Mr Red 14 Mar 01 - 04:35 PM
Murray MacLeod 14 Mar 01 - 05:14 PM
Don Firth 14 Mar 01 - 09:16 PM
Fiolar 15 Mar 01 - 09:05 AM
Michael in Swansea 15 Mar 01 - 09:35 AM
late 'n short 2 15 Mar 01 - 10:43 AM
UB Ed 15 Mar 01 - 02:50 PM
Wesley S 15 Mar 01 - 02:59 PM
GUEST 15 Mar 01 - 06:28 PM
Mrrzy 16 Mar 01 - 12:38 PM
BobP 16 Mar 01 - 01:00 PM
Frogmore 16 Mar 01 - 01:13 PM
Frogmore 16 Mar 01 - 01:35 PM
GUEST,Dita (at work) 16 Mar 01 - 02:16 PM
Skeptic 16 Mar 01 - 02:37 PM
BobP 16 Mar 01 - 02:51 PM
dwditty 16 Mar 01 - 03:40 PM
Jim Dixon 16 Mar 01 - 03:46 PM
JedMarum 16 Mar 01 - 03:49 PM
Dave the Gnome 16 Mar 01 - 04:24 PM
Sarah the flute 17 Mar 01 - 10:12 AM
Genie 10 Mar 02 - 04:46 AM
John MacKenzie 10 Mar 02 - 05:08 AM
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Mr Red 10 Mar 02 - 05:42 AM
Hrothgar 10 Mar 02 - 05:53 AM
guinnesschik 10 Mar 02 - 10:42 AM
leprechaun 10 Mar 02 - 02:02 PM
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Subject: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: UB Ed
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 12:11 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.

The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"

So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy."

The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too."

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning."

The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."

Next?


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 12:19 PM

But... but.. that doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick (she says in bewilderment)!



There's some here (if my blue clicky works)


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 12:34 PM

An Irish girlfriend once tried to tell me I was burning the candle at both ends.

Says she "Sure, you'll be too tired to go, by the time you get there"

When I smiled she said "so, you know what I mean". Sure I did but - its the way she tells them.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,AggieBethie
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 12:40 PM

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?...

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

hahahha... sorry, i just had to


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 12:45 PM

(I tried to post this earlier, it wouldn't let me)
Can we just do punch lines?

Careful at the gate, boys! Careful at the gate!


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 01:24 PM

The year after St. Patrick left Ireland his converts decided to have a big get together. One had been killed in a fracas with druids, and a 2nd was being taught by them how to get back to a sane religion. The one that made it got the whole barrel of Usquebah to himself, so died of heavenly delirium tremens, and has been worshiped ever since.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Bert
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 01:38 PM

That's great Mrrzy - if you know the joke.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 01:47 PM

34

er....... I think it's the way I'm telling them!


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Pseudolus
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 01:58 PM

Sean O'Malley comes home from a job interview and is looking a bit perplexed. He explains how the interview went well but he needs to have a physical and bring back a specimen to the nurse. "What's a specimen?", he asks his wife. "I don't know, ask Mrs. O'Brien, she's a nurse". Sean says, "Oh no, she hates me, YOU go ask her." Mrs. O'malley's gone for quite a long time and when she appears in the doorway, her dress is torn and tattered, her face bruised, and her hair a total mess. O'Malley says, "In the name of St. Patrick what happened to ya?". Mrs. O'Malley says "Well, I says to Mrs. O'Brien, Mrs. O'Brien, what's a specimen? And she says, Piss in a jar, and I says well Shit in your hat and the fight was on!!!"

Frank


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Fiolar
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 02:13 PM

Apparently the reason St Patrick never got to Kerry was because the people of Cork stole his donkey. Mind you being a Corkman, I never believed that old yarn unlike the Irish policeman who went to Heaven and was met by St Peter at the pearly gates. Says the saint " I cannot let you in to this place unless you can indentify Adam and Eve from that crowd of souls yonder." The policeman had no problem. He just looked around until he saw a pair with no navels.Happy St Pat's Day.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Banjer
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 08:22 PM

St. Patrick didn't lead the snakes out of Erin...He simply came out of his cottage one day eating a sandwich. When asked by a neighbor what it was he was eating, he replied, 'Sure and begorrah, 'tis snake, the other white meat' Hasn't been a snake in Ireland since.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 11:04 PM

I'm madly in love with a woman who's part Irish American, And I've been married to her for 32 years. I really like Irish People. This is only meant as a funny bit

(with a heavy cockney accent)"I knew h'it was an Irish Wolf 'ound, H'it was walkin' backwards and wagging 'is 'ead."

What's black and blue at the bottom of Narragansett Bay? Answer: an Irishman who tells Italian jokes.

Ma Fazoo adds: My grandmother Bridget Kearney met up with her friend Katy Shields. "well Good Morning' and how are you this fine day?, says Bridget to Katy. "O! dear and O! dear, I'm just not feelin' meself anymore." replies Katy, to which Bridget, horrified, trills "well Thanks be to God you've given up THAT filthy habit!"

I'm blushing now, that may have gone over the line.

Love, Ma


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: English Jon
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 03:46 AM

Paddy goes into a hardware shop after work and sees a wonderful thing. "sure and bejayzez, what's dat ting?" he asks. "ah sure pat, 'tis a t'ermos flask" replies the shopkeeper. "Ah sure, and what would that be for?" "well, it keeps the very hot tings hot, and the very cold tings cold"

Paddy is amazed: "sure thats wonderful, I'll take one of those"

Next day at work, paddy's foreman sees it. "what's dat ting you have there, pat?" "ah, sure 'tis a t'ermos flask - fer keeping the very hot tings hot and the very cold tings cold"

"Sure, dat's a wonderful thing!" says the foreman; "what have ye got in it?"

"2 cups o' tea and an ice lolly"

English Jon


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Fiolar
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 09:18 AM

Try telling some of those "jokes" in an Irish pub and see who'll finish up at the bottom of Narragansett bay.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Snuffy
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 09:32 AM

Bridie met Molly.
"How's thing's going?"
"Not good, I think my husband's been unfaithful to me"
"Why do you say that?"
"Our new baby doesn't look like me at all."


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: alison
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 10:00 AM

I'm with you Fiolar...... *grin*

the variation I heard... done by an Irishman in Sydney by way of retaliation was....

Q.what's black and blue and floats under Sydney Harbour Bridge?

A. the next *&%^#*@(&#@ who tells me a *%&*$&#(@& Irish joke.....

slainte

alison


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 10:11 AM

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the irish man and tapped him on the shoulder.

'Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy.'

'Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.'

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies.

'I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!'

'You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn.'

The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder.

'I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!'

'Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you.'

Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies.

'You're right, he is unshakable!'

The third English man said: 'No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch.'

The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said...'I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!'

'Yeah, thats what your buddies were trying to tell me.'


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: UB Ed
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 11:05 AM

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

(blush)


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: aussiebloke
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 12:10 PM

God is well pleased with the job that He has done creating Ireland. He is bragging to anyone that will listen about how fertile the land and the sea are, abundant with game and fishes.

He is thrilled with the new people He has created - gracious, beautiful and intelligent, with a love for laughter and music and poetry, and a sense of community that He has never been able to get quite right before. He goes on and on...

Eventually, someone tires of his bragging and asks Him: 'Don't you think that you've overdone it a little?'

'Not at all' says God, 'Just wait till you hear about the neighbours I've given them...'


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 12:20 PM

"Was it against your will?"

"No Father, it was up against the china cabinet -- and you should have heard the plates rattle!"

Bat Goddess


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Pseudolus
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 12:22 PM

Sean goes into a bar, has a seat and notices a lovely young woman at the end of the bar. He calls the bartender over and says, "Bartender, please if ya would be gettin me a pint of guinness, and please give that lovely young lass at the end of the bar a drink as well." The bartender says, "buddy, let me save you some time, she's a lesbian." Sean says, "I don't care a wee bit about that, give the lass a drink!". He does. a little while later Sean says, "Bartender, please if ya would be gettin me a pint of guinness, and please give that lovely young lass at the end of the bar a drink as well." the bartender tries again, "Buddy, I'm trying to save you some time here, she's a lesbian...." Sean says, "I don't care a wee bit about that, give the lass a drink!". This goes on for a while until Sean gets up the nerve, straightens his tie, and sits down next to the young woman and says, "So Lassie, what part of Lesbia are ye from????"

Frank


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: cait
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 04:32 PM

1) this one's told by the irish, i'd be guessing.

did ye hear the scots have found a new use for sheep?

sure an it's called wool.

2) an englishman, scotsman and irishman go into a pub and each order a pint. when they arrive, by some coincidence 3 flies land each in one pint. the englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders another. the scotsman fishes the fly out with his fingers and drinks the whole pint. the irishman pulls the fly out and angrily shakes it over the pint saying, 'spit it out, ye bugger!'

3) the irishman sees a sign advertising a special on venison, so he buys some and brings it home for the family meal. his two kids, timothy and patty are liking it but notice a different taste. 'what is this meat, dada?' they ask. not wanting to conjure up images of bambi, he tells them that it's delicious meat and to just eat it. 'no, da, tell us what it is!' 'well allright then, it's what your mother calls your ol' da, is what it is.' 'patty, spit it out! it's arsehole!' says timothy.

oh my...*g*

-caiti


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 04:35 PM

An American tourist in Co Clare, pouring over a map. Padraic and Micheal are leaning over the gate. Tourist ambles over and asks them the way to Kilrush. Says Paddy "well if I was going to Kilrush, sure I would not start from here". Says Mick "well now, Sor, go left at the crossroads, right at O'Flaherty's huge barn wot burned down last year and, straight for 5 miles". Says Paddy "Sure, Mick, an make it 3 miles won't you? Can't you see the poor mans walking".


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 05:14 PM

I really like the fact that threads like this, and the other recent one on the Scots, can thrive without anyone getting their knickers in a twist. Other ethic groups, take note.

I will be using a couple of these jokes on Saturday, to be sure. Meanwhile, this is my all-time favorite.

Into a bar one Friday night walks a stranger and says to the bartender in an Irish accent "Three pints of Guinness please". The bartender pours, the stranger takes the three pints to a table, sits down and takes a sip from each pint in turn until the three pints are finished, says good-bye and leaves.

The following Friday the scenario is replicated, and the Friday after that, until the bartender, unable to restrain his curiosity, says "Excuse me for asking, but why do you buy three pints of Guinness every week, drink each of them in turn and then leave?"

"Ah well", says the Irishman, "I have two brothers who have emigrated, one to America and one to Australia. Before they left, we all made a promise to each other that we would each observe this little ceremony each Friday night wherever we were, to remember the days when we all met for a pint each Friday when we were together"

Needless to say, there was scarcely a dry eye in the bar by the time he had recounted this tale, and for years, the same scenario was enacted each Friday night.

Then one Friday night, he walks in and says to the bartender "Two pints of Guinness please". He takes the pints to his usual table and takes a sip out of each in turn until they are finished, The bar is in deathly silence, the regulars are looking at one another, eventually the bartender goes over to the Irishman and says "Is there a family tragedy you want to tell us about ?" The Irisman looks puzzled and says "What do do mean?". "Well, says the bartender, "For years you have ordered three pints, tonight you ordered only two."

"Oh no, " laughs the Irishman, " I've decided it was time I stopped drinking"

Happy St Patrick's Day

Murray


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Don Firth
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 09:16 PM

I hope this doesn't offend anybody. It was told to me by a fairly devout Irish Catholic.

Jesus was an Irishman. You want proof? Okay, here it is:

1) He didn't leave home until he was thirty.

2) The night before He died, He went drinking with his friends.

3) He thought His mother was a virgin.

4) His mother thought He was God.

'Tis obvious! He was Irish!

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Fiolar
Date: 15 Mar 01 - 09:05 AM

There were four explorers, an Englishman, a Scotsman, a German and an Irishman in deepest Africa walking throough the jungle when they were captured and brought before the local chief. "You have desecrated the sacred grounds of our ancestors", said the chief, "You will each receive 500 lashes. But because I am a merciful man, each of you can have anything you wish on your back beforehand." The Englishman said that he wanted two litres of the best palmoil. (he was pro European Union). The Scotsman said that he wanted two bottles of Scotch Whisky on his. The German declared that he wanted nothing on his and that he would take his punishment like a man. Fianlly it was the Irishman's turn and when asked what he wanted on his back, he said, "The German."


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Michael in Swansea
Date: 15 Mar 01 - 09:35 AM

Paddy's house burnt down and he died in the fire. He was very badly burned so the mortician needed the body to be identified. Seamus and Sean, Paddy's two best friends were called for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled the sheet back "To be sure" said Seamus "He's badly burned, can you turn him over?" So the mortician turned the body over, Seamus looked and said "No that's not Paddy" Sean went in and looked "He's badly burned to be sure, can you turn him over?" The mortician turned the body over, Sean looked "No that's not Paddy". The mortician asked how they were both sure it wasn't Paddy. "Well you see" said Sean "Paddy had two arseholes" "What do you mean?" asked the mortician "Two arseholes?" "Well" said Sean "Every time we went into town everyone said "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes"

Mike


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: late 'n short 2
Date: 15 Mar 01 - 10:43 AM

Tim and Donal took their boat out to do some fishing when they get caught in a terrible storm and are dragged out to sea. All of their equipment, oars, etc. are lost in the storm and the two of them are left drifting aimlessly with no sign of rescue in sight. While they are floating along bemoaning their fate, Tim spots a bottle in the water alongside the boat. He pulls it out and as he rubs the side of it to read the label a big puff of smoke appears and, when it clears, there stands a leprechaun. "And who are you?" says Donal. "I'm a leprechaun" says the leprechaun. "Leprechaun, me arse!" says Donal, ever the skeptic. "Prove it!" "Very well" says the little fellow, "I normally have the power to grant three wishes but for you and your attitude I'll only make it one." "Sure, sure" Donal says scornfully, "See all this water around us? Turn it into beer." With that, there's a thunderous roar a flash of lightning and when the calm returns the leprechaun is nowhere to be seen. But by the look of the water around them, he has certainly fulfilled the wish. The astonished Tim, who until now had been only an observer, scoops up a handful of the liquid and confirms its content. They are surrounded by miles and miles of the most delicious brew ever concocted. With that Tim turns to Donal in disbelief. "You ijit," he screams. " Now we'll have to piss in the boat!"

Dan


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: UB Ed
Date: 15 Mar 01 - 02:50 PM

There's a reason it only comes once a year.

St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.

Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.

Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet. The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare.

Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up:

1 quart spring water 1 bottle aspirin 5 pairs Depends undergarment 1 bottle Percocet 1 gram morphine sulphate 1 oz. human adrenaline extract 1 precharged electric defibrillator 4 Cardiac needles 1 trauma surgeon

Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink. Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St.Patrick's Day, you are going to die. Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.

Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.

Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans. Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit. We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you should not order an Irish Coffee," as you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.

Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles:" Man drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die." If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: You're cut off". By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring.

Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.

By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular

The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing

Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now. The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything. Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out.

By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Wesley S
Date: 15 Mar 01 - 02:59 PM

Been there,done that,puked on the t-shirt


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Mar 01 - 06:28 PM

Don't shoot me, I'm Irish. What's a 7 course meal in Ireland? A potato and a six pack. A guy from Texas walks into a pub in Ireland and says "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkers. I'll bet that no one hear can drink 10 pints in a row." So no one answers. Oneman leaves. Half an hour later, the man returns. He says he'd like to try, and suceeds. The Texan has never seen anyone do this before, and is amazed. When asked why he disappeared for half an hour the man says "I had to go to the pub down the street and try it first.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 12:38 PM

If you see a Scotsman with a kilt down to his thighs, you call him a lad; one with a kilt down to his knees, you call him a man. If he's got his kilt down to his shins, you call him a damned liar!


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: BobP
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 01:00 PM

Here's a twist on one mentioned already.

You know, St. Patrick didn't really drive the snakes out of Ireland.

What he did was, he opened a pub for tourists in Dublin, and offered platters of fried snake, free with a pint.

Business was great till the supply ran out, but by then he was making out okay driving customers back to the docks for the ferry ride home. You know? I suppose you could say maybe he did after all.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Frogmore
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 01:13 PM

What's the most popular spectator sport in Ireland? answer......."The DTs."

Name a typical Irish 7 course dinner. answer........."A 6 pack and a potato."


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Frogmore
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 01:35 PM

Here's what I can recall of a song that I wrote with my friend Filthy Fred on St. Pat.'s afternoon in 1976. We later that night performed it in The Warehouse in Alexandria, Va. and in some boozy bar in Georgetown, standing on the mantel piece. ----------------- chorus: St. Patrick's Day has come along and I don't know no Irish songs My name ain't Paddy, my britches ain't green and "Erin Go Braugh" - what the hell does that mean?

"Too ra loo ra loo ra" is just nonsense, that I'm sure a Cockles & mussels are just seafood St. Pat was just some flipped out dude and I ain't never found no 4 leaf clover.

"Too ra loo ra loo ra" is just nonsense, that I'm sure a James Joyce just gets my head confused He musta been strung out on booze and I ain't never found no shamrock clover.

If you happen to hail from Dublin Town there's a chance my song has got ya down I LOVE the Irish, I love the Poles I even love a few assholes but I ain't never found no 4 leaf clover. ----------------- Does anyone know Filthy Fred (Davis)? He's probably on the island of Nevis. Need contact. More songs to write. Thanks. Frogmore (David Dowling)

)


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,Dita (at work)
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 02:16 PM

An American is waiting for a plane at Shannon Airport, and is mouthing off on a loud voice about Ireland, how much he hates it and how much bigger and better and cheaper things are in the USA. He finishes his moaning with - "This place must be the asshole of the world."
Paddy, who has been listening to him asks "Are you just passing through then?"
love, john.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Skeptic
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 02:37 PM

PADDY AND SADDAM

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you."

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news. Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to acquire some equipment."

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks, 14,000 armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Paddy rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit, and the bridge team has joined us as well."

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers, 20,000 MiG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million men."

"Faith and begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Regards

John


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: BobP
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 02:51 PM

Here's a really old one, perhaps its time to revive.

Never ask a Scotsman what he wears under his kilt.

He'll just reply that he's a McDonald and prove

it by showing his quarterpounder.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: dwditty
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 03:40 PM

I heard this on a Townes Van Zandt album.

Gallagher is out for a walk when he spots a leprechaun. He lunges and catches the wee one by the foot and holds on. The leprechaun, furious, yells, "Let me go." Gallagher says, "OK, but what about my three wishes." The leprechaun agrees but tells him to hurry up. Gallagher's first wish is for a pint of Guiness that never empties. Poof. A pint appears. Gallagher takes a big gulp, examines the pint, and it's still full. In disbelief, he downs the whole pint after which the it is still full. Meanwhile the leprechaun is screaming at him to let him go. Gallagher says, "What about my other two wishes." The leprechaun angrily replies, "Be quick. What are your other two wishes." Gallagher says, "I'll have two more of these."


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 03:46 PM

Where Green Beer Comes From


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: JedMarum
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 03:49 PM

Seamus Kennedy was out fishing with his two Scottish friends Ed and Brian when a sudden wind came up and blew their boat way out to sea. In fact, the boat wrecked on a feef and left the three men stranded on a small desert island. They spent the fist few weeks learning to find shelter, water and food, but then began to consider how they might get off the island. Their ordeal and their hard work at survival had really bonded the three men, and they became fast and lifelong friends.

One day while walking along the beach wondering how they might attract the attention of passing ships, Seamus stubbed his toe on something in the sand. He picked it up only to discover it was a small vessel with a cork stopper. He held it out to Ed, who cleared off the sand and Brian pulled the cork - then suddenly, out pops a genie "You have all three saved me from my prison, therefore you will each get one wish." Ed spoke first, "well I could wish for many things, but the truth is I've learned what's most important to me in this life, I really miss my family and friends. I wish I was home." and poof in an instant Ed was gone. Brian spoke next saying. "ach, its' true, I wish I was back home with the people I love." and poof Brian was gone, as well. Now it was Seamus's turn. He looked at the Genie and spoke up, "you know they're right, it is rather lonely here, I wish I had my friends back!"


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 04:24 PM

Ring-ring... Ring-ring... Ring-ri...

Hello

Hello yerself, is that Dublin 2222?

No, sorry, it's Dublin 2223

Oh, OK. Can you nip next door and tell Murphy I'll be late...

Dave the temporary Leprechaun


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Sarah the flute
Date: 17 Mar 01 - 10:12 AM

What did the Irishman call his pet zebra ? Spot

What do bodhran players use for contraception ? Their personality


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Genie
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 04:46 AM

Who's Irish and too stupid to come in out of the rain?

Answer (read it backwards)

erutinruF'O yddaP ----------------------

Father Murphy was walkin' through the village one day when he spied Mrs. O'Malley waving her arms frantically at some pigeons, yelling, "Fuck off, pigeons! Fuck off!"

"Now, now, Mrs. O'Malley, " said Father Murphy, in a soft, sweet lilting voice. "Ye needn't be yellin' at the pigeons like that. All ye have to do is flick your fingers lightly like this (he demonstrated) and say softly 'Shoo, pigeons, shoo,' ...and the pigeons'll fuck off by themselves."

Genie


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 05:08 AM

Whale
Oil
Beef
Hooked
The four commenest words in the Irish language.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 05:09 AM

COMMONEST!! doh.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 05:42 AM

BobP
Would that publican be after calling his delicay "Snake & Kid Me Poiy" now?


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Hrothgar
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 05:53 AM

...and the bloke on stage says, "I'm going to tell an Irish joke. Are there any Irish here?"

A deep, unfriendly voice from the audience says "Yes!"

"Don't worry, I'll tell it slowly."


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: guinnesschik
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 10:42 AM

An Irishman and a Scot walk into a pub together. The Scot says "Buy a round for the house, on me!" Next morning, the headlines read: IRISH VENTRELOQUIST FOUND BEATEN TO DEATH BEHIND PUB.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: leprechaun
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 02:02 PM

Just the punch line, eh?

O.K.

Sure and aren't you just a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: leprechaun
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 07:41 PM

Sean had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Sean". Sean replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Sean spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off . He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorjamb. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "I'm fookin fooked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fookin way" He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fook it" and crawls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Sean. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Sean says, "I did Mary. I was fookin fooked. But how'd you know?" Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Desdemona
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 07:56 PM

A guy sits down at a bar & orders a pint of Guinness; the fellow next to him says "Pardon me for asking, but I hear from your accent that you're Irish".

"Sure and I am", replies the 1st man, "born & bred in the heart o' Dublin, I was". "Do ye say so?" exclaims the 2nd,"and so was I, right in St Mary's Parish!"

"Faith & begorrah(this is a joke, all right?!), and so was I! Where'd you go to school?"

"Why I went to Holy Souls, so I did."

"Ah, the saints are smilin' on us, for I went there, too; let me buy you a pint!"

As the reminiscing & resultant bonding goes on between the two, the bartender shakes his head & turns away in disgust. A customer asks him what's wrong, and he answers, "Oh, nothing; the O'Malley twins are pissed again."


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Genie
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 09:12 PM

Well, I think the Irish should tell jokes on the Scots during St. Patrick's week, so here's the punchline of my FAVORITE SCOTS joke:

"The regiment voted tae hae it repaired!"

(I figure a lot of you folks already know this one, and, if not, perhaps a Mudcatter of the Scottish persuasion can tell it with a more authenitic Scots flavor than I can.)


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Teribus
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 03:02 AM

What did St. Patrick say when he drove the snakes out of Ireland?

"Are yeez aal roight in the back der lads"


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 04:43 AM

So Mick returned from 3 years at Oxford studying European Literature (With a degree!!), and started to seek suitable employment,
After a few weeks he realised all his education was not helping him get a job, so he decided to follow his forebears into the building trade. (Yes, this joke is about Mick & the forebears , Not Goldilocks and the three bears)

The manager of the first building firm he tried thought his build looked suitable, but questioned whether he knew about the trade. "Oh yes," said Mick "Me father was in the trade, and so was his father."
The manager thought this sounded fine and decided to test him with a simple question. "What's the difference between a joist and a girder? "

Mick thought for a second, and said "That's too easy, Joyce wrote Ulyses, Goethe wrote Faust".


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 04:45 AM

Pat & Mick live together, and one day Mick arrives home early, and sees, in the middle of the floor, two crates of Guinness and two loaves of bread.

Says he "Pat, are we having a party?"

"No" says Pat,

"Then what's all this bread for?!"


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 09:26 AM

Then there's the driver who comes over to Wales from the remotest part of Ireland, and sees a traffic light for the first time. He stops at the line and waits, and waits, and waits...
Eventually a policeman comes up and asks if he's having problems. The driver asks for an explanation and is told.
"Well, when the red light shows, only communists can drive through; but when the green light shows then the way is clear for sons of old Ireland."
The policeman returns a minute later to find the driver still there, and enquires why.
The driver replies "Sure you don't give dem Orangemen much time atall!"


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: The Pooka
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 06:42 PM

This stereotypical, disrespectful, inappropriate & racist rubbish is absolutely hilarious. *LMAO* God help me, I love it so. Nigel Parsons, Joyce & Goethe to be SURE! heeheehee / "Ye ijit, now we'll have to piss in the boat" HARHARHAR / Hoo boy.

But wait! Not to split the ethnic hairs (or any other hairs I hope) too fine, but are there nae good Norn Iron Orangeman jokes? (Yes Nigel I see the traffic-light one & it's good but that doesn't quite count, the joke is still on Paddy.) We are standin' in the need of the world-renowned Ulster Scots sense of self-deprecating humor. Anyone to the rescue? (ljc???)


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,Arjay
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 09:58 PM

Cranky Yankee, I REALLY like yer Katy and Bridget Joke!

Murray, yours about the 3 bothers is great, too, as is Nigel's about "all this bread!"

Before we get off the Irish Catholics, one more punch-line-only:
"Oh, Heaven be praised!" sighed Father O'Brien with relief, "I thought ye said 'Protestant!'"

Arjay


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: The Pooka
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 10:06 PM

Well, since we've not yet heard from the County Antrim and we're still after the Punch Lines Only:

"Oh, t'anks be to Gawd, I t'ought da *shteerin'* was goin'."

and
"But Brother Seamus, why are you weeping so?" "'Celebrate'! The original text said 'Celebrate'!"


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: The Pooka
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 10:12 PM

And, come ta t'ink of it (now dis wan *may* only wurruk fer yer oul' Makemfreaks like meself):

"I will not! It's th' light that's atthractin' 'em!!"

-O'Brien


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: The Pooka
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 10:21 PM

Aaah shite, now ye went an' got me shtarted -

Gossoon: "Ma, is Santy Claus an Englishman?"
Mudther: "Sure now Timothy wot in the wurruld would give yez such a silly notion as dat?"

"Well here we got t'ree dures an' seven windas in th' hoose, an' th' bloody man keeps a-comin' doon th' chimbley."


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Genie
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 02:07 AM

Bridget and Seamus O' Rourke, now both 60 years old, have been married since they were 20. One fine evening they suprise a leprechaun sleeping in their barn and they manage to corner the little man.
"All, right," says the leprechaun, "Ye've got me, begorrah! I'll have to give ye each a wish!
"Well, what'll ye be wishin', Mrs. O'Rourke?" "Hmmm," says Bridget, "now I don't want to be wastin' me wish. I'd like to think about it fer a bit, if ye don't mind."
"Well, don't dally too long, my good woman, I haven't got all day!" snaps the leprechaun. "Well, what'll ye be wishin', Mr. O'Rourke? I hope ye don't take as long as yer wife to make up yer mind!"
"Faith, no," replies Seamus, "I know exactly what I want! I want a wife thirty years my junior! That's what I'll have, thank ye!"
"Done!" says the leprechaun with a wave of his little hand.

And Seamus is now sixty!


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Piek
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 06:12 AM

Why do the Scots like to tell Irish jokes? Because they are cheap! Happy St.Pats...


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 06:22 AM

Turninf the tables slightly,
There was the American driving in Ireland, and looking for somewhere to park. He pulled in to the side of the road, and was approached by a member of the local constabulary.
"Sorry, Yous can't park here"
"Why not?" asked the driver.
"Dat single yellow line" say the oficer, "It means no parking at all."
"So what does the double yellow line mean?" asked the driver.
"No Parking Atall atall !!"


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: HuwG
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 08:43 AM

I have a copy of a Northern Ireland calendar, if anyone needs it...

January

February

March

March

March

etc...

[Hastily donning flame-proof underwear...]

Patrick goes to Las Vegas. He tries a table where they are playing the card game he is most familiar with, Brag (21). After an hour he is down to his shirt, and stakes it on one last hand. 17 points, a rubbish hand. He is about to throw it in, when poof!, a leprechaun appears on his shoulder.

"Twist!", says the little fellow. Well, Pat has nothing to lose, so he twists. A deuce (2). 19 points, a bit better. "Thanks", he says, "I'll stick on that."

"No, no!", says the leprechaun. "Twist! Twist!"

Pat twists again. An ace ! 20 points, he is in with a good chance. "Right. I'll stick".

"No! Twist! Twist! Twist, I tell ye!", says the leprechaun. "Are you sure?" says Pat. "The odds against getting another ace must be astronomical". The leprechaun is almost dancing with fury. "No ! Twist! Twist! Twist!".

"OK, you know best" says Pat, and twists again. Another ace! He has five cards, 21 points, an unbeatable hand. He proudly shows it to the little fellow. The leprechaun looks at it and says, "You jammy bastard ! How did you manage that?"


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,Jiggers
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 04:03 PM

Why does an Irishman wear two condoms ? Tay be sure, tay be sure.

There are three ducks flying over Belfast. Mother duck says "quack". Father duck says "quack". Baby duck says - "I'm going as quack as I can !"

Why should the population of Ireland be getting bigger ? Because the capital is always Dublin (hint: doublin')

Jiggers


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Gloredhel
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 08:48 PM

"How do you know when an Irishman has Alzheimer's" "He forgives his enemies."

And it's companion, provoked by a priest's exhortation to forgive one's enemies, courtesy a poet friend (let's give these line breaks a go):

McAlzheimer's (by Tom Riley)

So it's dementia, is it, that you're wishing
on me now, after some 900 years
of merciless oppression? Set me fishing
in the vast pond between my ample ears
and hope that I get skunked? Well, shed your tears
already, for I shall not go that way;
though every day I drink two dozen beers
and a whole quart of Bushmill's! On display
ever before my narrow eyes, today
and every dar, my list of cursed foes
is bright and clear, and why should I betray
that comfort, which has warmed my heart, God knows,
since I was just a tiny lad? Desist!
Better to pray you do not make the list.

Slainte, Colleen


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Gloredhel
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 08:51 PM

Oh my gosh, I can do line breaks! *does an appropriately Irish jig, then changes her mind as she is much better at reels*


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 10:55 PM

Gloridhel: If I remember the definition correctly, that's a sonnet! And a darn good one, too! What a pleasure to see such a well-crafted poem!


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: leprechaun
Date: 13 Mar 02 - 12:44 AM

A tourist in Belfast was walking through a particularly scary neighborhood. All at once he felt a pair of hands around his throat, and heard a voice growling, "What religion are you?"

He thinks to himself, "If I tell him I'm Catholic, he might be a Protestant, and he'll strangle me. But if I say I'm Protestant, he might be a Catholic, in which case I still get throttled." Then he comes up with a brilliant idea. He says, "I'm Jewish."

The voice says, "I must be the luckiest Palestinian in all of Belfast!"


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Genie
Date: 13 Mar 02 - 02:29 AM

Trying this AGAIN [since I screwed up the punch line, above.]: Bridget and Seamus O' Rourke, now both 60 years old, have been married since they were 20. One fine evening they suprise a leprechaun sleeping in their barn and they manage to corner the little man. "All, right," says the leprechaun, "Ye've got me, begorrah! I'll have to give ye each a wish! "Well, what'll ye be wishin', Mrs. O'Rourke?" "Hmmm," says Bridget, "now I don't want to be wastin' me wish. I'd like to think about it fer a bit, if ye don't mind." "Well, don't dally too long, my good woman, I haven't got all day!" snaps the leprechaun. "Well, what'll ye be wishin', Mr. O'Rourke? I hope ye don't take as long as yer wife to make up yer mind!" "Faith, no," replies Seamus, "I know exactly what I want! I want a wife thirty years my junior! That's what I'll have, thank ye!" "Done!" says the leprechaun with a wave of his little hand. And Seamus is now Ninety!


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Auxiris
Date: 15 Mar 02 - 06:20 AM

Murphy was a very famous microsurgeon who worked in a hospital way up in the wilds. Nearby the hospital, there was a factory and in the factory, there was this incredible machine. Now, the worker of the machine had to put his hand inside the machine many times a day to retrieve the parts after they were processed and, as there was a kind of blade that came round, the worker had to time it correctly so as the blade did not interfere with his hand as he was reaching into the machine. One day, anyway, he was feeling a bit under the weather and as he reached into the machine to retrieve the part, he was too slow getting his hand out of the way, the blade came 'round and off went his hand! So, a few of his colleagues ran over and said, "Never mind, Tim! You'll be all right!" And, with that, they quickly put his severed hand into a plastic bag with ice and took him up to the hospital, saying, "There's genius of a surgeon who's just started to work at the hospital and his name is Murphy." They rushed Tim into the operating theatre and, after a six-hour operation, he woke up the next morning in a hospital bed. He was afraid to look, but eventually opened one eye and he spotted his hand back in its normal place. Amazed, he moved one finger, then he moved another finger, then another, another and another. . . then another (he had six fingers on the one hand; very unusual hand). He was back to normal and two days later he was down the pub playing accordion as if he'd never had his hand chopped off.

Now, back at the factory, some of his colleagues were very curious about this machine and came over a few days later to have a closer look at it. One lad, completely overcome with curiosity, stood up on the edge of it and lost concetration for a moment and his leg slipped. Around came the blade and chopped off his foot! His friends were very quick to react: "Never mind, Brian! Hurry up lads, take him off to the hospital; he'll be all right!" And, with that, they quickly put his severed foot into a plastic bag with ice and took him up to the hospital, saying, "Don't worry, Murphy the microsurgeon will save yer foot." They rushed Brian into the operating theatre and, after an eleven-hour operation, he was out playing football the following weekend.

At this point in time, Murphy's reputation had gone completely through the roof and he was hailed as the most incredible microsurgeon since microsurgery began. On the following Monday, a few more of the factory workers who were curious about the machine came over to have a look at it and one guy was trying to figure it out and stuck his head in. . . and the blade came 'round and chopped his head off! "Never mind, Mick! Quick, hurry up lads, take him off to the hospital; he'll be all right!" And, with that, they quickly put his severed head into a plastic bag with ice and took him up to the hospital, saying, "Don't worry, Murphy the miraculous microsurgeon will save you." They rushed Mick into the operating theatre and Murphy operated on him for twenty-four-hours straight. All the factory workers were waiting outside when Murphy the microsurgeon appeared at the door and the workers began to shout, "Hey, is he talkin' yet?" " Can he sing a song?" "Is he all right?" Murphy looked at them and said, "He's dead." Shock and disbelief! "But, but, what about Murphy's miraculous microsurgery?" "Oh", said Murphy, "That worked 100%, but you guys smothered him with the plastic bag."

cheers,

Aux





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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 15 Mar 02 - 06:26 AM

...Continued
After Tim had lost a finger in an industrial accident (It was miracle Murphy's week off so they couldn't save it), He was interviewed by the factory's Health & Safety oficer.
"How exactly did it happen?" he asked

"Well," said Tim," I puts me hand in this machine, like this,and...Bugger me! there goes another one!"


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 15 Mar 02 - 06:30 AM

So Tim went home, on sick leave, and phoned his girlfriend at her office.

"Hello darlin' I've had another accident, and cut me finger off!"
"What?" she says,"Your whole finger ?" "No, the one next to it!"


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 15 Mar 02 - 06:47 AM

It's always interested me the way English people tell jokes sneering at the supposed stupidity of the Irish.

And the stupider the Englishman, the more eager he is to tell these jokes.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 15 Mar 02 - 06:48 AM

Pat and Mick are looking for some money, or a job, (preferably just the money!), and they see a sign "Tree Fellers Wanted"
"Ah, tis a shame Dermott ain't with us."

They decide to apply anyway, and are surprised to get jobs. However, the job is cutting down Christmas trees, and the rate of pay depends on the number of trees per day.
In order to make the job worthwhile, they need to cut down 40 trees between them each day. And, having been issued with Saws, and safety equipment, they get to work.
At the end of the first day they've cut down 20 trees, and decide to keep trying.
Day 2 they manage 35 trees, and get paid enough to go out for a few drinks.
Day 3 they compete against one another, and by the end of the day have managed 19 trees each. "Sod this" says Pat,"I'm finding something else to do!"
Mick agrees, and they go to the foreman to collect their meagre pay, and hand in their equipment.
The foreman insists on checking the state of the equipment before paying them, and pulls the cord on one of the saws. As the motor springs to life, Pat says "Bejeyzus, what's that awful racket?"


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 15 Mar 02 - 07:35 AM

Guest JTT:
It seems you had to read an awfully long way through this thread to be able to take a chip at the English. (and what better target?!)
But all groups have these type jokes, even in Ireland, The "Kerrymen" are the but of these type of jokes.
To amuse a dutchman, tell one of these but change Irish for Belgian.
Of course, you may not have read the whole thread, as their are included jokes against the scots & the English as well.

As someone once said, "There are two things I can't stand, Racism and bloody foreigners"


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Mar 02 - 10:20 AM

Sorry, Pooka and Arjay, but cait's joke about the flies wins hands down (IMHO).

Allan


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Auxiris
Date: 16 Mar 02 - 03:04 AM

Not strictly an Irish joke, but. . . .

An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?". The waitress nodded so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was an Alabama redneck. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang, how's about gettin me a cold glass of Coke!" He too looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded so the redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke too.

As Jesus got up to leave, He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door. Then Jesus walked towards the redneck. The redneck jumps up and yells, "Hey man, don't touch me. . . . I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"

cheers,

Aux





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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,beachcomber
Date: 16 Mar 02 - 07:12 PM

And dont forget....

Two Paddies were laying paving slabs in London when they noticed a well dressed englishman standing nearby , watching. The two lads carried on working until eventually the Englishman could'nt watch them any longer and felt he hads to say, "I say, you chappies there, you're doing a damned good job keep it up!" The Paddies thanked him (touching their forelocks in so doing (As one does ....or should)) The Englishman however felt that he might perhaps have been a little "overstated" and went on, "I'm an engineering chappie myself, y'know so , of course, in my work I have to be accurate to one thousandth of an inch, actually" The more stupid Paddy looked up at him and replied "Ah Jaysus that'd be no good here at all at all. Shure we have to be spot-on with these"

Enjoy the Craic over the next few days...even if you're not IRISH.

beach


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Bud Savoie
Date: 16 Mar 02 - 07:28 PM

OK, someone asked for an Orange joke? Here goes:

The Rev. Ian Paisley is taking a stroll about Belfast when he sees a kid by the side of the road with a basket of newborn kittens and a sign reading: "Protestant kittens free to good homes." Paisley is very pleased and gives the kid a coin, a pat on the head, and warm praise.

A week later, Paisley is taking a walk again and sees the same boy sitting by the curb (kerb?) with the basket of kittens. But now the sign reads: "Catholic kittens free to good homes." Paisley is furious and shouts at the kid: "You little traitor! Why are you calling these kittens Catholics now?" The boy looks up and says, "Well, sir, they're two weeks old now and their eyes are open."


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,campion
Date: 16 Mar 02 - 11:45 PM

Padraic Pearse, frustrated by the way that Irish American politicians used Ireland and Irish causes to further their own American political careers once remarked that "Saint Patrick chased all of the snakes out of Ireland into the sea, from whence they swam to Boston to run for office as Democrats."


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,Irish wife
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 12:19 AM

The woman walks into the office of the local paper. She explains to the editor that her husband has died and she wants to put it in the paper. The editor explains that the cost is a pound per word. The woman only has two pounds, so she writes out the notice. "Pat died." The editor, knowing that Pat was a good guy and thinking he's deserving of a few more words tells the widow he'll give her three more words, free of charge, in honor of Pat. Pat's widow thanks him and rewrites the notice. "Pat died. Boat for Sale."


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Gareth
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 06:35 PM

Sure - and there is Mrs Paisley walking down the street in Belfast. She meets her Dentist.

"And hows the mouth this morning Mrs Paisley ?"

" Ah he's fine Dr., just fine !"

Gareth


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Pseudolus
Date: 11 Mar 03 - 11:20 AM

I just wanted to refresh this thread. Since the closing of my favorite irish pub, I only play Irish gigs once a year, so, can anyone add any new blood to this joke thread that I can use at my one and only irish gig of the year????


Frank


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,The O'Meara
Date: 11 Mar 03 - 11:56 AM

Do you know why Scots can't tell jokestiming.

O'Meara


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Pseudolus
Date: 11 Mar 03 - 03:26 PM

It's hard to tell that one in type....nicely done.....

Frank


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