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BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020

Bee-dubya-ell 01 Jan 20 - 11:38 PM
Dave the Gnome 02 Jan 20 - 03:09 AM
Steve Shaw 02 Jan 20 - 06:10 AM
Nigel Parsons 02 Jan 20 - 07:06 AM
Donuel 02 Jan 20 - 07:12 AM
Pete from seven stars link 02 Jan 20 - 07:42 AM
saulgoldie 03 Jan 20 - 02:43 PM
MudGuard 03 Jan 20 - 03:25 PM
Raggytash 04 Jan 20 - 05:12 AM
Steve Shaw 04 Jan 20 - 09:12 AM
Senoufou 04 Jan 20 - 03:13 PM
Steve Shaw 04 Jan 20 - 08:14 PM
Doug Chadwick 05 Jan 20 - 02:57 PM
Doug Chadwick 05 Jan 20 - 03:59 PM
Nigel Parsons 05 Jan 20 - 06:34 PM
Steve Shaw 05 Jan 20 - 07:15 PM
leeneia 08 Jan 20 - 01:57 AM
Steve Shaw 08 Jan 20 - 05:35 AM
Doug Chadwick 08 Jan 20 - 05:50 AM
Steve Shaw 08 Jan 20 - 06:29 AM
Mr Red 08 Jan 20 - 08:14 AM
Mr Red 08 Jan 20 - 08:15 AM
Senoufou 08 Jan 20 - 09:36 AM
Steve Shaw 08 Jan 20 - 12:46 PM
Mrrzy 15 Jan 20 - 05:21 PM
Steve Shaw 15 Jan 20 - 07:06 PM
Karen Impola 15 Jan 20 - 11:19 PM
frogprince 15 Jan 20 - 11:19 PM
frogprince 15 Jan 20 - 11:22 PM
frogprince 15 Jan 20 - 11:30 PM
Mrrzy 16 Jan 20 - 07:12 AM
Steve Shaw 16 Jan 20 - 08:38 PM
Roger the Skiffler 17 Jan 20 - 03:55 AM
Mrrzy 17 Jan 20 - 10:08 AM
Michael 17 Jan 20 - 10:22 AM
Steve Shaw 17 Jan 20 - 12:57 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 17 Jan 20 - 01:12 PM
Steve Shaw 17 Jan 20 - 05:13 PM
Roger the Skiffler 18 Jan 20 - 05:33 AM
Mr Red 18 Jan 20 - 05:54 AM
Rusty Dobro 18 Jan 20 - 05:39 PM
Rusty Dobro 21 Jan 20 - 03:22 AM
Steve Shaw 21 Jan 20 - 05:25 AM
DMcG 21 Jan 20 - 09:30 AM
Steve Shaw 21 Jan 20 - 10:52 AM
Donuel 21 Jan 20 - 09:07 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 21 Jan 20 - 09:57 PM
Michael 22 Jan 20 - 05:32 AM
Steve Shaw 22 Jan 20 - 05:46 AM
Nigel Parsons 22 Jan 20 - 09:24 AM
Nigel Parsons 22 Jan 20 - 09:25 AM
Steve Shaw 22 Jan 20 - 10:04 AM
Nigel Parsons 22 Jan 20 - 02:23 PM
Steve Shaw 22 Jan 20 - 02:26 PM
WalkaboutsVerse 22 Jan 20 - 07:08 PM
michaelr 22 Jan 20 - 07:31 PM
Steve Shaw 22 Jan 20 - 08:20 PM
Nigel Parsons 23 Jan 20 - 05:28 AM
Steve Shaw 23 Jan 20 - 06:32 AM
Georgiansilver 23 Jan 20 - 06:41 AM
WalkaboutsVerse 23 Jan 20 - 07:14 AM
WalkaboutsVerse 23 Jan 20 - 07:17 AM
Donuel 23 Jan 20 - 04:25 PM
WalkaboutsVerse 23 Jan 20 - 04:42 PM
Mr Red 24 Jan 20 - 03:07 AM
Mrrzy 24 Jan 20 - 12:31 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 24 Jan 20 - 02:11 PM
Steve Shaw 24 Jan 20 - 02:21 PM
Doug Chadwick 24 Jan 20 - 02:54 PM
Mrrzy 25 Jan 20 - 08:20 AM
Steve Shaw 26 Jan 20 - 09:56 AM
Roger the Skiffler 26 Jan 20 - 11:18 AM
Doug Chadwick 26 Jan 20 - 03:28 PM
WalkaboutsVerse 26 Jan 20 - 03:47 PM
WalkaboutsVerse 26 Jan 20 - 03:50 PM
Donuel 26 Jan 20 - 04:00 PM
Mr Red 26 Jan 20 - 05:31 PM
Steve Shaw 27 Jan 20 - 05:22 AM
Donuel 27 Jan 20 - 05:29 AM
Mrrzy 27 Jan 20 - 07:06 AM
Nigel Parsons 27 Jan 20 - 07:18 AM
Georgiansilver 27 Jan 20 - 02:48 PM
Georgiansilver 27 Jan 20 - 02:50 PM
Raggytash 27 Jan 20 - 03:03 PM
WalkaboutsVerse 27 Jan 20 - 03:08 PM
Roger the Skiffler 28 Jan 20 - 05:17 AM
Doug Chadwick 28 Jan 20 - 07:19 AM
Steve Shaw 28 Jan 20 - 07:54 AM
Steve Shaw 28 Jan 20 - 09:28 AM
Nigel Parsons 28 Jan 20 - 11:49 AM
Steve Shaw 29 Jan 20 - 01:52 PM
Nigel Parsons 29 Jan 20 - 02:11 PM
WalkaboutsVerse 29 Jan 20 - 02:30 PM
Steve Shaw 29 Jan 20 - 02:45 PM
Steve Shaw 29 Jan 20 - 02:49 PM
WalkaboutsVerse 29 Jan 20 - 03:15 PM
Steve Shaw 29 Jan 20 - 06:32 PM
Mr Red 07 Feb 20 - 06:16 PM
Mr Red 08 Feb 20 - 08:02 AM
Steve Shaw 16 Feb 20 - 08:39 PM
Mrrzy 17 Feb 20 - 08:29 AM
Donuel 17 Feb 20 - 05:44 PM
Steve Shaw 17 Feb 20 - 06:44 PM
Senoufou 18 Feb 20 - 04:25 AM
Steve Shaw 18 Feb 20 - 05:31 AM
Senoufou 18 Feb 20 - 05:40 AM
gillymor 18 Feb 20 - 07:35 AM
Mrrzy 18 Feb 20 - 08:20 AM
Mr Red 18 Feb 20 - 10:06 AM
gillymor 18 Feb 20 - 10:12 AM
gillymor 18 Feb 20 - 10:51 AM
Steve Shaw 18 Feb 20 - 07:42 PM
Doug Chadwick 19 Feb 20 - 04:30 AM
Georgiansilver 19 Feb 20 - 06:09 AM
Georgiansilver 19 Feb 20 - 06:18 AM
Steve Shaw 19 Feb 20 - 06:38 AM
Mrrzy 19 Feb 20 - 08:10 AM
Donuel 19 Feb 20 - 08:18 AM
gillymor 19 Feb 20 - 08:22 AM
Donuel 19 Feb 20 - 08:23 AM
Donuel 19 Feb 20 - 08:38 AM
Donuel 19 Feb 20 - 08:38 AM
Donuel 19 Feb 20 - 08:40 AM
gillymor 19 Feb 20 - 08:42 AM
Mr Red 20 Feb 20 - 04:02 AM
Donuel 20 Feb 20 - 06:31 AM
Donuel 20 Feb 20 - 06:56 AM
gillymor 20 Feb 20 - 07:10 AM
Mrrzy 20 Feb 20 - 08:29 AM
gillymor 20 Feb 20 - 08:52 AM
Donuel 20 Feb 20 - 09:10 AM
gillymor 20 Feb 20 - 09:21 AM
Donuel 20 Feb 20 - 12:50 PM
gillymor 20 Feb 20 - 12:57 PM
Donuel 20 Feb 20 - 01:34 PM
Raggytash 20 Feb 20 - 02:04 PM
Donuel 20 Feb 20 - 02:26 PM
gillymor 20 Feb 20 - 03:03 PM
Donuel 20 Feb 20 - 04:50 PM
Steve Shaw 20 Feb 20 - 08:53 PM
Doug Chadwick 21 Feb 20 - 05:03 AM
Mr Red 21 Feb 20 - 05:21 AM
Steve Shaw 21 Feb 20 - 05:25 AM
gillymor 21 Feb 20 - 06:49 AM
Mrrzy 21 Feb 20 - 09:27 AM
gillymor 21 Feb 20 - 09:50 AM
Mrrzy 23 Feb 20 - 02:21 PM
Georgiansilver 23 Feb 20 - 08:57 PM
frogprince 26 Feb 20 - 09:11 PM
Pappy Fiddle 26 Feb 20 - 11:55 PM
gillymor 27 Feb 20 - 09:24 AM
Joe_F 27 Feb 20 - 05:45 PM
Mr Red 28 Feb 20 - 03:23 AM
Georgiansilver 29 Feb 20 - 06:43 AM
Michael 29 Feb 20 - 07:43 AM
Donuel 29 Feb 20 - 08:01 AM
Steve Shaw 29 Feb 20 - 11:33 AM
Donuel 29 Feb 20 - 12:57 PM
gillymor 29 Feb 20 - 01:31 PM
Mr Red 01 Mar 20 - 07:52 AM
Steve Shaw 01 Mar 20 - 08:12 AM
Donuel 02 Mar 20 - 08:40 AM
Donuel 02 Mar 20 - 08:50 AM
Donuel 02 Mar 20 - 09:01 AM
Donuel 02 Mar 20 - 09:20 AM
Steve Shaw 02 Mar 20 - 10:10 AM
gillymor 02 Mar 20 - 10:38 AM
Donuel 02 Mar 20 - 02:41 PM
Donuel 02 Mar 20 - 03:19 PM
Mr Red 03 Mar 20 - 04:53 AM
Steve Shaw 03 Mar 20 - 05:27 AM
Jim Carroll 03 Mar 20 - 05:33 AM
Steve Shaw 03 Mar 20 - 07:44 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Mar 20 - 08:53 PM
Mr Red 04 Mar 20 - 03:38 AM
Jim Carroll 04 Mar 20 - 05:10 AM
Steve Shaw 04 Mar 20 - 05:51 AM
Jim Carroll 04 Mar 20 - 11:23 AM
Steve Shaw 04 Mar 20 - 12:12 PM
Jim Carroll 05 Mar 20 - 04:30 AM
Jim Carroll 05 Mar 20 - 04:30 AM
Jim Carroll 05 Mar 20 - 06:18 AM
Georgiansilver 05 Mar 20 - 07:21 AM
Jim Carroll 05 Mar 20 - 12:40 PM
Mrrzy 05 Mar 20 - 02:20 PM
Jim Carroll 05 Mar 20 - 03:05 PM
Joe_F 05 Mar 20 - 06:37 PM
Jim Carroll 06 Mar 20 - 09:52 AM
Jim Carroll 06 Mar 20 - 12:29 PM
Georgiansilver 06 Mar 20 - 02:45 PM
Jim Carroll 06 Mar 20 - 02:58 PM
Jim Carroll 07 Mar 20 - 08:29 PM
Mr Red 08 Mar 20 - 07:10 AM
Steve Shaw 08 Mar 20 - 07:41 AM
Jim Carroll 08 Mar 20 - 08:10 AM
Donuel 08 Mar 20 - 08:21 AM
Steve Shaw 08 Mar 20 - 08:35 AM
Jim Carroll 08 Mar 20 - 08:51 AM
gillymor 08 Mar 20 - 08:54 AM
Steve Shaw 08 Mar 20 - 08:56 AM
Jim Carroll 08 Mar 20 - 09:19 AM
Jim Carroll 08 Mar 20 - 09:24 AM
Jim Carroll 08 Mar 20 - 12:42 PM
Jim Carroll 08 Mar 20 - 12:42 PM
Steve Shaw 08 Mar 20 - 12:51 PM
Donuel 08 Mar 20 - 02:28 PM
Raggytash 08 Mar 20 - 02:33 PM
Steve Shaw 08 Mar 20 - 02:39 PM
Jim Carroll 08 Mar 20 - 02:46 PM
Jim Carroll 08 Mar 20 - 02:46 PM
Jim Carroll 08 Mar 20 - 04:08 PM
Steve Shaw 09 Mar 20 - 06:45 AM
Jim Carroll 09 Mar 20 - 07:24 AM
Steve Shaw 09 Mar 20 - 07:48 AM
Jim Carroll 09 Mar 20 - 07:54 AM
Jim Carroll 09 Mar 20 - 07:58 AM
Jim Carroll 09 Mar 20 - 08:01 AM
Steve Shaw 09 Mar 20 - 10:38 AM
Michael 09 Mar 20 - 11:46 AM
Steve Shaw 09 Mar 20 - 12:19 PM
Jim Carroll 09 Mar 20 - 12:45 PM
Senoufou 09 Mar 20 - 12:54 PM
gillymor 09 Mar 20 - 01:11 PM
Jim Carroll 09 Mar 20 - 03:39 PM
Senoufou 09 Mar 20 - 03:46 PM
Mr Red 09 Mar 20 - 04:15 PM
Jim Carroll 10 Mar 20 - 04:30 AM
Steve Shaw 10 Mar 20 - 06:14 AM
Steve Shaw 10 Mar 20 - 06:21 AM
Mr Red 10 Mar 20 - 06:30 AM
Steve Shaw 10 Mar 20 - 06:49 AM
Jim Carroll 10 Mar 20 - 07:03 AM
Mr Red 10 Mar 20 - 07:59 AM
Jim Carroll 10 Mar 20 - 08:14 AM
Jim Carroll 11 Mar 20 - 04:45 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 12 Mar 20 - 07:51 PM
Jim Carroll 13 Mar 20 - 04:08 AM
Mr Red 13 Mar 20 - 06:00 AM
Jim Carroll 13 Mar 20 - 09:34 AM
Roger the Skiffler 13 Mar 20 - 09:47 AM
Senoufou 13 Mar 20 - 10:32 AM
Georgiansilver 13 Mar 20 - 08:03 PM
Jim Carroll 14 Mar 20 - 11:49 AM
Jim Carroll 14 Mar 20 - 12:27 PM
Mrrzy 14 Mar 20 - 12:53 PM
Jim Carroll 14 Mar 20 - 12:59 PM
Mr Red 16 Mar 20 - 10:40 AM
Jim Carroll 16 Mar 20 - 10:50 AM
Jim Carroll 16 Mar 20 - 10:51 AM
Jim Carroll 16 Mar 20 - 11:36 AM
Senoufou 16 Mar 20 - 01:05 PM
Jim Carroll 16 Mar 20 - 02:40 PM
Jim Carroll 17 Mar 20 - 01:54 PM
Jim Carroll 18 Mar 20 - 06:33 AM
Georgiansilver 18 Mar 20 - 09:38 AM
Jim Carroll 18 Mar 20 - 11:10 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 18 Mar 20 - 06:06 PM
Jim Carroll 19 Mar 20 - 01:20 PM
Donuel 19 Mar 20 - 02:39 PM
BobL 20 Mar 20 - 03:36 AM
Jim Carroll 20 Mar 20 - 04:53 AM
Donuel 20 Mar 20 - 06:52 AM
Donuel 20 Mar 20 - 07:46 AM
gillymor 20 Mar 20 - 08:03 AM
Jim Carroll 20 Mar 20 - 08:04 AM
Donuel 20 Mar 20 - 08:23 AM
Donuel 20 Mar 20 - 09:19 AM
Steve Shaw 20 Mar 20 - 09:59 AM
Steve Shaw 20 Mar 20 - 10:10 AM
Jim Carroll 20 Mar 20 - 10:56 AM
Donuel 20 Mar 20 - 02:12 PM
Donuel 20 Mar 20 - 02:18 PM
Donuel 20 Mar 20 - 02:34 PM
Doug Chadwick 20 Mar 20 - 06:17 PM
Steve Shaw 20 Mar 20 - 06:31 PM
WalkaboutsVerse 20 Mar 20 - 06:48 PM
Georgiansilver 21 Mar 20 - 08:27 AM
Mr Red 21 Mar 20 - 08:46 AM
gillymor 21 Mar 20 - 08:53 AM
Donuel 21 Mar 20 - 09:30 AM
Steve Shaw 22 Mar 20 - 07:13 AM
Jim Carroll 22 Mar 20 - 09:36 AM
Doug Chadwick 24 Mar 20 - 05:38 AM
Donuel 24 Mar 20 - 08:01 AM
Donuel 24 Mar 20 - 08:21 AM
Mrrzy 24 Mar 20 - 08:54 AM
gillymor 24 Mar 20 - 08:58 AM
Jim Carroll 24 Mar 20 - 10:32 AM
Jim Carroll 24 Mar 20 - 11:52 AM
Jim Carroll 25 Mar 20 - 03:54 AM
Senoufou 25 Mar 20 - 04:13 AM
Jim Carroll 25 Mar 20 - 04:34 AM
Jim Carroll 25 Mar 20 - 09:14 AM
Mr Red 25 Mar 20 - 02:20 PM
Jim Carroll 26 Mar 20 - 04:17 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 26 Mar 20 - 04:40 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 26 Mar 20 - 04:55 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 26 Mar 20 - 11:04 PM
Jim Carroll 27 Mar 20 - 04:09 AM
Mr Red 27 Mar 20 - 11:28 AM
Jim Carroll 27 Mar 20 - 12:41 PM
Mrrzy 27 Mar 20 - 12:56 PM
Jim Carroll 27 Mar 20 - 01:26 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 27 Mar 20 - 01:54 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 27 Mar 20 - 02:25 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 27 Mar 20 - 02:35 PM
Jim Carroll 27 Mar 20 - 03:41 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 27 Mar 20 - 06:32 PM
Jim Carroll 28 Mar 20 - 05:10 AM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 28 Mar 20 - 10:21 AM
Jim Carroll 28 Mar 20 - 11:00 AM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 28 Mar 20 - 12:14 PM
Jim Carroll 28 Mar 20 - 01:59 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 28 Mar 20 - 02:54 PM
Jim Carroll 28 Mar 20 - 03:55 PM
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Subject: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Jan 20 - 11:38 PM

A guitarist and his wife were celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary. They had decided to meet at a restaurant after work. The wife arrived at the restaurant at the appointed time, but the husband was nowhere to be found. So, she called him on his mobile phone and asked why he wasn't there.

"Well," he explained, "remember a few years ago we stopped into a little jewelry store on 34th Street and you fell in love with a sapphire necklace but we didn't have the money for it and I promised you that one day we'd have the money and I'd buy it for you?"

"Oh, my!" she excitedly replied, "Of course I remember! Do you mean it's still there?"

"I have no idea," he answered, "I'm in the guitar store next door and they have this really great old Martin D-18 for sale...."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Jan 20 - 03:09 AM

Man walks into a dentist's and says "I think I'm a moth!"

The dentist replied "I think you need the psychiatrist. I'm a dentist."

"I know", says the man.

"Well, why did you come in here then?" Asks the dentist.

"The light was on"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 20 - 06:10 AM

A man in a canoe got cold so he lit a fire. It burned a hole in the bottom and the boat sank.


Which goes to show that you can't have your kayak and heat it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 02 Jan 20 - 07:06 AM

An elderly couple were watching the tv and the husband had the remote.
He kept changing back and forth between a porn channel and a fishing programme.
"For heaven's sake" said his wife "leave it on the porn channel, you know how to fish".


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 20 - 07:12 AM

A+ }^)


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 02 Jan 20 - 07:42 AM

Then there was the Scotsman walking past a restaurant and his wife enthused about the wonderful mouthwatering smells emanating from within. She continued as they walked on , so the man said “what the heck,why not” , so he walked her past it again.......


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: saulgoldie
Date: 03 Jan 20 - 02:43 PM

An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders a half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth one orders an eight of a beer...

The bartender pours two beers, and says, "You figure it out!"

Saul


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: MudGuard
Date: 03 Jan 20 - 03:25 PM

5 mathematicians and 5 engineer are going to visit another university.

At the railway station, the mathematicians buy 5 tickets, while the engineers only buy a single ticket. The mathematicians are surprised, and ask the engineers how this will work out.

The engineers tell the mathematicians: wait and see.

They all enter the train (here in Germany, you don't need to show tickets before entering the train, the conductor will check them while the train is moving).

After a while, the conductor is approaching to check the passengers' tickets.

The five engineers all cram into the waggon's (or is it carriages's - sorry, my English is not the best) toilet and lock themselves in.

The conductor, after checking the mathematicians' tickets, notices that the toilet is in use, and knocks on the toilet door - one of the engineers says: "sorry, I will need some more time in here" and pushes the ticket outside through the narrow slit at the bottom of the door.

So they reach the other university, visit their colleagues, and start for the return journey.

This times - having learned from the engineers - the mathematicians buy only one ticket. And they are surprised when they notice that the engineers this time buy no ticket at all.

Again they ask how this will work, and get the same answer: "wait and see!".

And again they enter the train. When the conductor is approaching, the mathematicians cram into the toilet at the one end of the waggon, while the engineers cram into the toilet at the other end of the waggon.

When all the mathematicians are locked away, one of the engineers slips out again, runs to the other toilet, knocks on the door and says: "ticket please" ...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash
Date: 04 Jan 20 - 05:12 AM

Two Lions escape from Belle Vue Zoo in Manchester, they amble up to Piccadilly, down Market Street and along Deansgate.

One Lion turns to t'other and sez "eh it's quiet for a Saturday"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 20 - 09:12 AM

Horse goes into a pub and orders a pint. The landlord, thinking that horses probably didn't really get money, grossly overcharges him.

After a while the landlord thought he'd try to engage the horse in conversation with "We don't get that many horses in here..."

"I'm not bloody surprised" sez the horse, "with beer at ten quid a pint..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 04 Jan 20 - 03:13 PM

Haaaaahaaahaagh! I'm loving all these jokes! Keep 'em coming!


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 20 - 08:14 PM

Bloke woke up in his hospital bed after his operation. The surgeon was there to see him.

Doc, sez the bloke, How did it go? Well, sez the doc, remember that I told you we'd have to amputate your leg? Well there's good news and bad news about that...

Oh God, sez yer man, what's the good news? Well, sez the doc, in the end we only had to take off half your leg.

Oh thank God! sez yer man, but what's the bad news? Sez the doc, It was the top half...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 05 Jan 20 - 02:57 PM

A family of country hicks, Ma, Pa and Junior, go to the big city for the first time. In a large department store, Junior is facinated by watching people go in and out of the elevator. He runs to fetch Pa, saying, "Pa,Pa, you've gotta see this!".

A few moments later, an old lady approaches the elevator. The doors open, she enters and the doors close behind her. Floor indicators counts up and then down again. When the doors re-open, out walks a beautiful young woman.

"What's happening Pa?" Cries Junior. "I don't know, son" says Pa, scratching his chin, "but go fetch your Ma."

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 05 Jan 20 - 03:59 PM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are crouchng behind a rock, surrounded by war-painted Apaches. The Lone Ranger says "I think we're in trouble Tonto". Tonto, by now about three feet from the Lone Ranger, replies "What do you mean by 'We', paleface?"

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 05 Jan 20 - 06:34 PM

Following Steve's joke:

A bloke wakes up in hospital and starts shouting hysterically:
The nurse comes over.
"Nurse, nurse, I can't feel my legs".
"No sir, we've amputated your hands!


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 20 - 07:15 PM

Sez the surgeon to the bloke who has just woken up after the op, I have some bad news and some good news... Omigod, shouts yer man, what's the bad news, Doc? Sez the doc, well in the end we had to amputate both your legs... Ah, Jaysus! shouts yer man hysterically, How can there be any good news after that! So what IS the good news, doc? Well, sez the doc, the man in the next bed has offered to buy your slippers...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: leeneia
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 01:57 AM

Doug, I don't want you to feel bad, but I heard that joke in the 1960's.

But don't feel bad, because recently I read that the taglines of forgotten jokes live on for decades, and that's one of them. It's now "What do you mean, WE, white man?"

When my husband says, "We need to re-wire the porch light," I respond...

(You guessed it.)

Though of course I would stand by to hand him tools, etc, while he re-wires the light.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 05:35 AM

Gotta include the odd Tommy Cooper one.

"Doctor, I have this terrible problem. Every time a beautiful woman comes anywhere near me, I can't stop myself from pushing her away!"

"Well what do you want me to do about it?"

"Can you break my arms?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 05:50 AM

Doug, I don't want you to feel bad, but I heard that joke in the 1960's.

If I had a pound for every time that I have had the same thought when reading other people's contributions to Mudcat joke threads, I would be a rich man by now.

On a site where people take pride in singing songs from times gone by, think of me as a traditional joke teller.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 06:29 AM

I don't even mind it when Jim tells the same joke twice in the same thread! :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 08:14 AM

What was that old chestnut about a the liberal MP (remember them?)

"He can't take offence without sitting on it"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 08:15 AM

And the etymologist who:

"can't take offense without C'ing it"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 09:36 AM

All castles had one major weakness. The enemy used to get in through the gift shop.
(Peter Kay)


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 12:46 PM

*guffaw*


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Jan 20 - 05:21 PM

Just read this:

A pistol shot goes ‘bang,’ a lupara goes ‘boom,’ a machine gun goes ‘ratatatatat,’ and a knife goes ‘swiss.’


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Jan 20 - 07:06 PM

I'm misquoting here, but John Seymour said about Switzerland (something like) that after a thousand years of history, all the Swiss have to show for it is the cuckoo clock.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Karen Impola
Date: 15 Jan 20 - 11:19 PM

There's a bluegrass band on stage. How can you tell if the stage is level?

The banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: frogprince
Date: 15 Jan 20 - 11:19 PM

A blond man, calling 911: "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are two minutes apart".
911 responder: "Is this her first child?"
Blond man: "No, this is her husband ! "


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: frogprince
Date: 15 Jan 20 - 11:22 PM

Blond man, calling out to his wife from the shower: "This shampoo says it's for dry hair, but I already got my head wet."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: frogprince
Date: 15 Jan 20 - 11:30 PM

A blond man stands over the mail that just dropped thru the slot in the door, unable to decide how to pick it up; the envelope on top is stamped "Do not bend".


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Jan 20 - 07:12 AM

2 blond men decided to go bear hunting. They got to a fork in the road with a sign saying, bear left. So they went home.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 20 - 08:38 PM

Am I allowed just one Essex girl one then?

Essex girl was involved in a car crash and was trapped. Paramedics turned up and one of them said to her, "You'll be all right now, love. We'll soon have you out. Where are you bleeding from?"

"I'm from bleedin' Chingford, mate. What about you?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 17 Jan 20 - 03:55 AM

After reading about Ms Paltrow's candle range smelling like lady parts. I thought I'd start a candle range modelled on my man parts but I was told they wouldn't burn long enough.
RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Jan 20 - 10:08 AM

Hee hee burn it at both ends!


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Michael
Date: 17 Jan 20 - 10:22 AM

Like Sven, you may have problems getting the wax off.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 20 - 12:57 PM

Wouldn't burn long enough? You need to dip your wick a bit deeper, Roger...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Jan 20 - 01:12 PM

There's a new intimate deodorant for men called "Strike Zone".

Their slogan is "No More Foul Balls!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 20 - 05:13 PM

Went into the chemists yesterday. Told the young lady assistant that I didn't know much about deodorants, but my wife had sent me in because she said I stank.

So I asked the girl if she could advise me as to what to buy.

"Well," she said, "there are different kinds. Do you think you'd prefer the ball type?"

"No," I replied, "It's for my armpits..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 18 Jan 20 - 05:33 AM

... you thought my other soubriquet "thimbles" was because of ma washboard playing?
RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 Jan 20 - 05:54 AM

What about the guy who thought Berk & Hair was describing Boris............

It's a killer ..............


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Rusty Dobro
Date: 18 Jan 20 - 05:39 PM

I bought a new gadget: you put venison in the top, turn the handle, and it comes out as pheasant.

It's a real game changer...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Rusty Dobro
Date: 21 Jan 20 - 03:22 AM

A zoo keeper travelled to Africa to bring back a pair of large, horned, herbivore antelopes.

He bought a suitable pair from a dealer, but when he got them back home, something didn't look right. The horns were cardboard, and stuck on with sticky tape, and on close inspection, he found he had been sold a couple of donkeys.

Infuriated, he berated the poor donkeys for their part in the deception. This annoyed them so much that they lashed out with their hooves, and killed him.

The coroner ruled that he had been the victim of false gnus......


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jan 20 - 05:25 AM

The fire alarm went off in a cinema in Spain. But there was only one way out, and in the panic lots of people were trampled.

Which goes to show that you shouldn't put all your Basques in one exit...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: DMcG
Date: 21 Jan 20 - 09:30 AM

A comment on another thread has reminded me of this:

milliHelen: The unit of beauty needed to launch one ship.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jan 20 - 10:52 AM

"Game changer": heheh. That's a real Tim Vine-style joke. Here's another, at risk of repeating myself:

I went for a ride on the Big Dipper at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Half the time I was laughing my head off, the other half I was crying my eyes out. It was an emotional roller coaster...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 20 - 09:07 PM

The coroner was stumped upon finding
dozens of blonds trampled to death
at the exit of the castle gift shop
each with a tiny candle.
When asked what happened the coroner said
"Clearly fragile hasseled fascile castle ass holes battled...
in the dark?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Jan 20 - 09:57 PM

That "game changer" joke reminds me of the "baby changing stations" often seen in public restrooms and highway rest stops. I've often wondered how they work. Do you put a baby you've grown tired of in it, press a button, and walk out with a different baby all together?


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Michael
Date: 22 Jan 20 - 05:32 AM

A lot of so called 'Baby Changing Stations' are in fact 'Baby Tickling Stations' if you look at the graphic on the door.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 20 - 05:46 AM

All medieval castles had a fatal flaw: the enemy could get in through the gift shop.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 22 Jan 20 - 09:24 AM

Steve says: "I don't even mind it when Jim tells the same joke twice in the same thread! :-)"
Then repeats Senoufou's one about the exit through the gift shop. Although she did attribute it to Peter Kay.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 22 Jan 20 - 09:25 AM

And for that I'll claim the half-century: 50.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 20 - 10:04 AM

Oh, my. Apologies for that. I thought I'd read it somewhere else! :-(


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 22 Jan 20 - 02:23 PM

Steve Shaw is not really a plagiarist . . .
"He's a very naughty boy"

R.I.P. Terry Jones


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 20 - 02:26 PM

I'm both! :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 22 Jan 20 - 07:08 PM

Napoleon described English as a nation of shopkeepers; nowadays - many a true word said in jest - it is a nation of broken-English-speaking shopkeepers whereby, similar to when VISITING another country, we often have to point at what we want. My poem, from WalkaboutsVerse, "Nationalism without Conquest"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: michaelr
Date: 22 Jan 20 - 07:31 PM

Skeleton walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll it be?" Skeleton says, "A pint and a mop."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 20 - 08:20 PM

Bloody Hell, WAB. Racism in a joke thread. Know any good Irish jokes, do you?


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 23 Jan 20 - 05:28 AM

Gwyneth Paltrow: "This candle smells like my vagina".

Two nuns in a cellar:
1, "Where's the candle?"
2, "Yes, doesn't it!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 20 - 06:32 AM

"This candle smells like my vagina"


"Prove it"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jan 20 - 06:41 AM

The mental patient escaped and ran into the local town, where he entered the laundrette and raped two women who were there before running off. Headlines in the paper the following day read:- NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 23 Jan 20 - 07:14 AM

Steve: I don't think - in jest or otherwise - questioning the standard of English among shopkeepers in modern multicultural England is "racist"; nor was it racist for our politicians to approve a bill to test the standard of English of those wishing to emigrate here - I, by the way, would stop all economic/CAPITALIST immigration in the first place.

Thus, with some qualification (I do support genuine asylum seekers being helped to their NEAREST - in terms of culture and geography - safe nation, e.g.), I would accept being called an anti-imimgrationist, but certainly NOT racist, having repatriated upon study and respect for Aboriginal and other indigenous Land Rights (along the way, developing a liking for a bit of gobbledygook, now and then).

As for your Irish jokes requests, the closest I have is from a Guest's request for Daniel O'Donnell jokes on the https://mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=167123&messages=145 thread.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 23 Jan 20 - 07:17 AM

This one, sorry - "Types of folk music you like or dislike"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 20 - 04:25 PM

A country singer was wandering in the street and bumped into a big ol police officer who said "whats going on?"
Oh officer, I can't find my car.

Where did you think it was?

Well, it was right on the end of this here key.

I have some good people who will take your information,
fill out a few forms and help you find your car.
But first, could you zip up your fly ?

The singer looked down and said "Damn and they got my girl too."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 23 Jan 20 - 04:42 PM

Just watching Concorde: A Supersonic Story on BBC4, again, and one elderly chap seemed to be a poet who didn't know it when he said:

I went to the loo
On Mach 2.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 24 Jan 20 - 03:07 AM

How did George Washington address his troops?






In General terms...............


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Jan 20 - 12:31 PM

Where do generals keep their armies?

In their sleevies...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 24 Jan 20 - 02:11 PM

I bought a dozen eggs yesterday and put them in the refrigerator. When I went to make breakfast this morning, the fridge was full of the souls of dead people!




The eggs were mediums.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jan 20 - 02:21 PM

Why does a Frenchman only have one egg for breakfast?

Because, to a Frenchman, one egg is un oeuf...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Jan 20 - 02:54 PM

Where are the Andes?



....... at the end of your armies!


DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Jan 20 - 08:20 AM

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 20 - 09:56 AM

"Mummy, mummy, when I grow up I want to be a politician!"


"Now don't be silly, dear, you can't do both..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 26 Jan 20 - 11:18 AM

Some very very old jokes here recently!
RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 26 Jan 20 - 03:28 PM

Some very very old jokes here recently!

I agree that there are some very old jokes but it's not a recent phenomenon. Mudcat joke threads have been regurgitating old jokes almost as long as Mudcat has existed.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 26 Jan 20 - 03:47 PM

...my golf joke is not on here:

2 golfers were part way through their round when thunder and lightening began.

When one pulled a 1-iron out of his bag and held it up high, his partner cried: "What on EARTH are you doing? There's lightening about".

To which he calmly replied: "Not even God can hit a 1-iron".


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 26 Jan 20 - 03:50 PM

Further to the above, sorry - I say "my" when I actually first heard it following an Australian golfer called Billy Dunk (an excellent putter who holds many course records in Australia and beyond) during a pro-am in Sydney, many years ago.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Jan 20 - 04:00 PM

Without any improvement, I just mash 4 jokes together that I find here and present it as a new joke. Not even God can hit a fun prion.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Jan 20 - 05:31 PM

Just cme back from a Cajun dance weekend, which finished with everyone singing "Knock, Knock, Knockin on heavan's door".

I knew what it would be as they started the tune, 'cause the tune rang a bell ........................

Funny? No? Well do I get points for it being true?


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 20 - 05:22 AM

Q. What do you get if you throw a hand grenade into a Frenchman's kitchen?


A. Linoleum Blownapart...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Jan 20 - 05:29 AM

it was said
he who would pun would pick a pocket


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jan 20 - 07:06 AM

GREAT movie, that, Donuel...

My cheese shop was so badly damaged in that last earthquake that all there was left was da Brie.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 27 Jan 20 - 07:18 AM

How do you tempt Winnie the Pooh out of his house?
C'mon bear.

How did the cheese string paint his wife?
Double glossed her.

What did the Geordie say when he saw the edge of the reservoir?
Eee, dam.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Jan 20 - 02:48 PM

The floodlights in the football stadium suddenly failed and panic ensued. No fault could be found in the system and all fuses were in good order.‘’What now’’? asked Ken, the director.
Having evaded security, the Chinese man entered the box with an assured expression on his face.
‘’I can solve problem’’ he said with an air of authority. ‘’How?’’ asked the director. The man took the microphone and spoke. ‘’Everybody put hands in air’’. The spectators complied and the lights immediately came back on.
The Chinese man enlightened the director. ‘’Ancient Chinese proverb say, Many hands make light work


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Jan 20 - 02:50 PM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’’.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash
Date: 27 Jan 20 - 03:03 PM

Two men,one of whom was a vicar were playing golf together.

At the first tee one man took a swing but did not hit the ball 'Damn he said missed the bastard' The vicar chided him for using such language saying that God woud punish him, don't be daft he replied.

A the next hole he missed an easy putt 'damn missed the bastard'once again the vicar chided him.

This continued at nearly every hole 'damn missed the bastard' again and again with the vicar telling him each time that God would punish him.

At the 17th he again missed his swing 'damn .......... what the ......'

The clouds opened a old man with a long white beard peered down through the gloom with his arm outstretched from whence a lightening bolt shot down right into a bunker next to where the man was standing

'DAMN MISSED THE BASTARD!!' came a voice from the heavens.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 27 Jan 20 - 03:08 PM

I thought it was going to be something to do with a hole in one - not a hold in One.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 28 Jan 20 - 05:17 AM

Where is the best place to buy Yorkshire spearmint online?
Ebay Gum

I'll get me coat.

RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 28 Jan 20 - 07:19 AM

There is a trend developing in the night clubs of northern cities, such as Leeds and Sheffield, for revellers to take Ecstasy by pushing the tablets inside their upper or lower lips. It's known as E by gum.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 20 - 07:54 AM

Yorkshireman takes his poorly cat to t'vetnery.

"Will tha just tek a butchers at me cat? He's bin chucking up summat rotten..."

"Right, sir, let's have a look. Is your cat a Tom?"

"Naw, yer daft bugger, tha can see that I've browt it wi' me..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 20 - 09:28 AM

Yorkshireman goes to a goldsmiths and asks, "Me whippet's dead. If I show yer a photo can tha mek us a gold statue of it?"

Aye, I can," he says. "Dost tha want it eighteen carat?"

"Nay, yer daft bugger, just chewin' bone'll do fine."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 28 Jan 20 - 11:49 AM

Womans two pet chimps die, so she takes them to the taxidermist:
"Do you want them mounted?"
"Oh no, just holding hands!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 01:52 PM

A large quantity of viagra was stolen from a pharmacy last night. The police are searching for a gang of hardened criminals.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 02:11 PM

Someone drilled a hole in the brothel wall.

The police are looking into it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 02:30 PM

Glory!


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 02:45 PM

After a series of crimes in his area, the police chief has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 02:49 PM

And of course one from Tommy Cooper:

I got stopped in my car last night by a policeman. Cop: "Right, I'm going to follow you to the nearest police station." Me: "What for, officer?" Cop: "I've forgotten the way."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 03:15 PM

No idea - like a deer with no eyes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 06:32 PM

West Mercia Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Feb 20 - 06:16 PM

Just heard this on a TED talk on how to hone humour skills.

'Converting the numbers 51, 6 and 500 to Roman numerals makes me LIVID.'


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 Feb 20 - 08:02 AM

How many Crime Writers does it take to change a light bulb.

2

One to push it in
and a second to give it a final twist.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Feb 20 - 08:39 PM

Went to see the doc today. Eventually, he told me that he thought I had hypochondria.

Well I'm not surprised, sez I. I might as well have that. After all, I've got everything else...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Feb 20 - 08:29 AM

Went to the zoo the other day. Didn't see any animals, but one dog.

It was a shitzu.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Feb 20 - 05:44 PM

Nigel tells the finest cheesiest jokes
Steve specializes in cosmopolitan colloquial jokes
Iain does generalized insult humor
while Donuel does the squareroots of - numbers


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Feb 20 - 06:44 PM

Your cod-analysing of people here is beyond a joke.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 04:25 AM

(From the Daily Telegraph book, Stop The World, I Want To Get Off')

The next Mary Berry programme will look at fortified wine on a ship from Northern Ireland to the Republic of Ireland.: 'The Mary Berry Derry to Kerry Sherry Ferry'.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 05:31 AM

And if Isla St Clair married Barry White, divorced him, then married Bryan Ferry, would she then be Isla White-Ferry?


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 05:40 AM

Hahahaaaaagh Steve! If she had a bad cold she could then be called Red Funnel.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 07:35 AM

The first rule of Vegan Club- Tell everyone about Vegan Club.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 08:20 AM

A crossfit maven walks into a bar. How do we know? They'll tell you.

Works with vegans and a third group I don't recall...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 10:06 AM

Your cod-analysing of people here is beyond a joke.

Be grateful fr small mentions, at least you got one.

A holocaust survivor goes to heaven, God asks him to tell a holocaust joke. God was not amused "That's not funny" she says.
The holocaust survivor said "Well, I guess you just had to be there"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 10:12 AM

His "cod-analysing" is just another way for Donuel to shift the spotlight to himself and it's tiresome. Now, back to the jokes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 10:51 AM

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 07:42 PM

A photon checks into a hotel. The porter asks, “Can I help you with your luggage?” The photon replies, “I don’t have any. I’m travelling light."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 04:30 AM

Two atoms were walking down the street when one says "I've lost an electron".
"Are you sure?" says the other.
"Yes, I'm positive".


DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 06:09 AM

Steve Shaw.... It was me who talked Britney Spears out of marrying Bryan Ferry!.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 06:18 AM

My ex stood in front of the full length mirror in our bedroom.... naked...   She said 'Darling.... my hair is thinning badly, the skin around my eyes looks like crows feet.... my neck looks like chicken skin.... my breasts are sagging and have stretch marks.... My belly is also sagging and has stretch marks..... I have cellulite on my butt and thighs and my feet are getting very wrinkly.... please tell me something good about me'........... I replied with ' Your eyesight is brilliant love'


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 06:38 AM

Britney Ferry - heheh!


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 08:10 AM

First joke I remember hearing: When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 08:18 AM

It just seems that lately nobody sees all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort i put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much i try to 'get in the spotlight' and display my art, people seem to just... pass it by and go on like they haven't even noticed it, not even giving it a glance or a moments thought.

I'm in a rut right now. Its hard to stay motivated and creative when all the hard work goes unnoticed by gillymor, despite the pay being good at work.

For those wondering, i design camouflage.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 08:22 AM

Ts there a punchline in there or has it been camouflaged.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 08:23 AM

After countless years of Jesus being in the spotlight, the Devil had had enough. He issued a challenge to Jesus; whoever writes the longest story on Microsoft Word wins. Jesus accepts, and they get to it. After hours and hours of frantic typing, there is suddenly a power cut. The Devil is furious, whilst Jesus remains calm. As soon as the power comes back, he boots up his computer and has lost all his work, before seeing Jesus calmly typing from where he left off. Lucifer is not happy at all, calling Jesus a cheat, before God intervenes, proclaiming Jesus the winner. The moral of the story? *Jesus saves*


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 08:38 AM

- *I did not write this joke, I hope you enjoy it :^/

"Johnny and the Clown"

Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "Fuck it," he says." I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus."

The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town.

As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays on the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top.

Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly shits his pants with excitement. He can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"

"No." Johnny replies.

"Are you the horse's ear?"

"No"

"Are you the horse's tail?"

"No"

"Well then. You must be the horse's ASS!!!!"

And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter all at Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny. He's as pissed as fuck. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on the clown.

As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown. Death, violence, poisoning....and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever!

The next morning Johnny flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad.

**INSULT SCHOOL - Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor!**


'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day.

So every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works his ass off.

Then his day arrives...

As soon as the circus opens it's gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's a pissed off motherfucker hell bent on revenge. He gives the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket, and storms off.

He sees all the regular shit. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts...

The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited a year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. Johnny wonders why everyone is laughing, it's the same shit they did last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, again it lands on Johnny. Johnny is sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"

"No." Johnny replies.

"Are you the horse's ear?"

"No"

"Are you the horse's tail?"

"No"

"Well then. You must be the horse's ASS!!!!"

And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched.

This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks at the clown and sees it is gillymor in make up and says...

























"FUCK YOU, CLOWN!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 08:38 AM

- *I did not write this joke, I hope you enjoy it :^/

"Johnny and the Clown"

Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "Fuck it," he says." I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus."

The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town.

As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays on the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top.

Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly shits his pants with excitement. He can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"

"No." Johnny replies.

"Are you the horse's ear?"

"No"

"Are you the horse's tail?"

"No"

"Well then. You must be the horse's ASS!!!!"

And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter all at Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny. He's as pissed as fuck. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on the clown.

As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown. Death, violence, poisoning....and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever!

The next morning Johnny flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad.

**INSULT SCHOOL - Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor!**


'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day.

So every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works his ass off.

Then his day arrives...

As soon as the circus opens it's gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's a pissed off motherfucker hell bent on revenge. He gives the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket, and storms off.

He sees all the regular shit. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts...

The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited a year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. Johnny wonders why everyone is laughing, it's the same shit they did last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, again it lands on Johnny. Johnny is sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"

"No." Johnny replies.

"Are you the horse's ear?"

"No"

"Are you the horse's tail?"

"No"

"Well then. You must be the horse's ASS!!!!"

And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched.

This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks at the clown and sees it is gillymor in make up and says...

























"FUCK YOU, CLOWN!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 08:40 AM

There are 2 punchlines for you to make up for one you missed.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 08:42 AM

I did read the whole thing but lol anyway.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 04:02 AM

"Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window" - Steve Wozniak



For those wondering, i design camouflage.

Donuel - I didn't see that coming!


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 06:31 AM

When I was a kid there was a giant tall neon sign that said Jesus Saves
For years I assumed it was a Bank.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 06:56 AM

-another actual memory-
I was only 4 years old but I remember my first joke. I was brought to a Planetarium. When the lights went down slowly and the night sky emerged I said out loud, knowing full well where I was, "WoW and it isn't even cold out" and was met with laughter from the entire crowd. I was hooked
but a bit miffed that some adults probably thought I was serious.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 07:10 AM

A turtle gets mugged by a couple of snails and the investigating policeman asks him to state exactly what took place, turtle responds "I don't know, officer, it all happened so fast."

Another turtle/snail joke:

What did the snail say when he climbed up on the back of a turtle?

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 08:29 AM

Jesus saves. The Mongol hoards.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 08:52 AM

Two nuns were riding their bicycles down the street. The first nun says, "I never came this way before." The second nun says, "Yeah, it's the cobblestones!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 09:10 AM

I like these, maybe because they're American jokes?


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 09:21 AM

What do you call a sophisticated American?

Canadian


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 12:50 PM

The great grand nephew of Hitler and convicted child sex abuser was pardoned by Trump which was an embarrassment to the Hitler family.
Imagine being the only Hitler the family doesn't talk about.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 12:57 PM

Now that's some good camouflage.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 01:34 PM

People were perplexed when Trump requested a weapon that would specifically shoot through FBI body armor like butter.
Where there is a will there is a way but we are assured it is only for Special Operations
This one shoots through armor like cream cheese.

-oops , too close to the truth again


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 02:04 PM

Donuel,

Shooting people is NOT funny, it is not amusing in any way, shape or form.


Come to think of it neither are your posts.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 02:26 PM

I commend your indignance, As a generational survivor of the Eiensatzgruppen, shooting people is not funny to me in any way shape or form but a special exception should be made for sincere warnings. Even if you can't see a warning or read the sign, its there.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 03:03 PM

I come to a joke thread to read jokes, not warnings about an SS unit that was disbanded some 75 years ago.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 04:50 PM

I started the partisan prescription of 'Mr. Rodgers little helpers'. They cause folks to exude extreme kindness and have a blissful resignation to bad news without concern.
Side effects are ulcers and stomach cancer but
what do you expect from swallowing the problems of the world without some reaction? They are opiate FREE but contain 90% heroin.

The sister drug to Mr Rodgers helpers is for Republicans only and is just plain anerobic steroids and amphetamines.

YAWN

Sorry gillymor I was watching the Hitler Channel on cable.
I agree there is no need to leave my brain droppings all over the place. Allow mods to exponge all the offending routines, I can't clean it myself.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 08:53 PM

Fer chrissake...

Anyway, to revive the thread, here's Billy Connolly's rules for the over-60s:

1. Never pass up an opportunity to go for a pee.

2. Never waste an erection.

3. Never trust a fart.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 21 Feb 20 - 05:03 AM

Billy Connolly extended rule 2 (which, when I heard him, he put as rule 3 for better comic effect):

Never waste an erection, even if you are on your own.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Feb 20 - 05:21 AM

so?
4) carry a spare pair of underpants

Allegedly a Harry Hill** quote:

never refuse an opportunity to stool

** He trained as a doctor BTW. Think Jerry Lewis without the fall-about antics, or the fall-about voice.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Feb 20 - 05:25 AM

Two exceptionally sage pieces of advice, and I'm not joking...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Feb 20 - 06:49 AM

Well who doesn't love the Hitler Channel.

It got so cold up in Vermont last week that this sign was seen in front of a nudist camp: "We're open but we're clothed"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Feb 20 - 09:27 AM

Is *that* where never trust a fart is from.

So this patient has an intractable cough the doctors have been trying everything for, but nothing worked. Finally one doc says Here, take this pill, it's my last resort. The desperate patient swallows it and then asks, what's in it? Doctor answers, it's the world's strongest laxative.

Now you don't *dare* cough.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Feb 20 - 09:50 AM

A proctologist's nurse says "Doctor you've got a suppository behind your ear."
Doctor says "Damn, now I know where my pencil went."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Feb 20 - 02:21 PM

Oh, some asshole's got my pencil...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Feb 20 - 08:57 PM

The Highway Patrols have recently found a large number of dead crows on Route 66. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and confirmed that the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.?By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.?The investigators then called an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.?They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: frogprince
Date: 26 Feb 20 - 09:11 PM

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I may be a typo".


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Pappy Fiddle
Date: 26 Feb 20 - 11:55 PM

A young man married a beautiful young woman. She had beautiful golden hair, gorgeous ivory white teeth, and she could sing like an Angel.

On the morning after their wedding, the young groom wakes up and sees her beautiful golden hair on the bedpost. And there in a glass of water is her gorgeous ivory white teeth. As she stirs awake he shouts frantically, "SING FOR GOD'S SAKE, SING!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Feb 20 - 09:24 AM

An old man walks into a Catholic church and enters the confessional, the following conversation ensues:

Old Man: Father, last night I picked up two gorgeous Danish stewardesses in a bar, took them to my hotel and made passionate love to them all night long.

Priest: I see, but I don't recognize your voice, are you a member of this parish?

Old Man: No.

Priest: Well, are you even Catholic?

Old Man: No, I'm Jewish.

Priest: Well then why are you telling me this?

Old Man: Hell, Father, I'm telling every one!


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Feb 20 - 05:45 PM

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I've become a prostitute."
"You've become *what*?"
"A prostitute, Father."
"God be praised! I thought at first you said a Protestant."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 28 Feb 20 - 03:23 AM

Mick Jagger & Keith Richard go to a restaurant and have the chicken cooked by Sam 'n Ella - it is fatal.
A case of one bird killing two stones.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Feb 20 - 06:43 AM

Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior staff, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Michael
Date: 29 Feb 20 - 07:43 AM

"Mam! There's a man at the door with a bill"

"It can't be a man with a bill; it must be a duck with a hat on".
Credit - Clive Heenan some time in the 1960's.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Feb 20 - 08:01 AM

This just in...
In an effort to profit from and combat the Chinese novel Coronavirus , Uberstrumfuerher Trump ordered faith healer Mike Pense to put Tariffs on all imported Chinese virus immediately.




too soon?


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Feb 20 - 11:33 AM

Your obsession with constantly bringing Trump into your supposed jokes is getting incredibly tiresome. Unfunny in the extreme.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Feb 20 - 12:57 PM

"There you go again'
Ronald Reagan


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Feb 20 - 01:31 PM

What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
Donald Trump has never had a garbanzo bean on him.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Mar 20 - 07:52 AM

supposed jokes is getting incredibly tiresome. Unfunny in the extreme.

Each to his own, carping on a joke thread is decidedly unfunny. Just like Trumps tweets in fact.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Mar 20 - 08:12 AM

I provide a damn sight more laughs than you do, old chap. I want to keep it as a JOKE thread. Carping on, eh? I've haddock up to here with you and your little dabs at me. It's about time you learned your plaice. So what are you whiting for, pollack? Just let minnow when you're up for it...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 20 - 08:40 AM

If you were not as uncommonly similar to Trump as you are Steve, we would not love you so much. You are the greatest.

Because the herd was pre sorted by gender
Juan Gonzales found out too late that all
the Dairy Llamas he had milked were males.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 20 - 08:50 AM

Afterall it takes a rare and unique person like yourself to blow a seal at a shell station and get filled up.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 20 - 09:01 AM

Perhaps gross jokes are his "cup of tea".
6 gay guys were in a hot tub when a big glob of semen came spooling up to the top of the churning water. He said, "who farted?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 20 - 09:20 AM

Steve does not have a little ego. He has an Egosaur that never heals.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Mar 20 - 10:10 AM

And you have shit for brains. Knock it off and find something useful to do.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Mar 20 - 10:38 AM

If we're going in for "gross jokes" then how did Liberace know that he had 6 weeks to live?

A gerbil crawled out of his butt and saw it's shadow.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 20 - 02:41 PM

That was cute, now if you want GROSS...
er delicate Stevie is here

but first Oogle!


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 20 - 03:19 PM

There are many bogus and preposterous cures for Corona virus emerging.
India is using clove nose drops with a secret ingredient.
Mexico is so superstitious they rely on witch doctors.
Now the US has an organic cure that is going Facebook viral, .5 grams of grated White Nationalist testicles. Beware of imitations. They advise you get it in person. Make white nationalists grate again.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 03 Mar 20 - 04:53 AM

I provide a damn sight more laughs than you do, old chap.

Yea, not conceited either, but you obviously have every reason to be.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Mar 20 - 05:27 AM

It's true, unfortunately. And you missed the spirit of my post, didn't you? I thought to myself at the time, eel miss the point for sure, will that Mr Red, and instead of laughing eel simply gurn 'ard...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Mar 20 - 05:33 AM

I worked fro a time for Liverpool Housing Department as a maintenance electrician
The office I booked in at had a framed letter hanging on the wall from a woman tenant reading:

"Please send man, have been using candles all week"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Mar 20 - 07:44 AM

I got an excuse note from a lad in my class years ago which read "Dear Mr Shaw, John couldn't come to school yesterday with his stomach."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Mar 20 - 08:53 PM

Never believe anything an atom tells you.

They make up everything.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 04 Mar 20 - 03:38 AM

eel miss the point for sure,

Hardly - I replied with a joke (in a fucking joke thread!), obvious not funny to someone who has heard it before, but recognised as one of a certain class of joke, reversal of the obvious.

In a pub, the person trying to be humorous would have a facial expression, which, in the digital pub, emoticons serve. Human communication is not all verbal, some people don't realise that in cyberspace. Yet they have the arrogance to think people can see their intent purely from text, and the arrogance to think they can read other peoples' minds across the ether.

Not funny, but apposite.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Mar 20 - 05:10 AM

A leper playing poker threw his hand in
(still haven't heard my first Corona Virus Joke yet except the one in yesterday's paper about the man who walked into a shop wearing a mask
When everyone backed away in panic he said, "Don't worry, I've come in to rob you"   
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Mar 20 - 05:51 AM

Nice one, Jim!

Tell me: do you, Red, gurn 'ard?


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Mar 20 - 11:23 AM

(sorry Steve - don't understand Steve)

Somewhat non PC but very popular here
Two flies climbing up a window frame - which one is the Catholic ?
The one that shits on the sash
Sorry
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Mar 20 - 12:12 PM

Red gurnard is a fish, Jim. I've been using fish puns on an extremely unappreciative Mr Red for a while. He's a cold fish...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Mar 20 - 04:30 AM

Thanks Steve - thought you were asking if I read 'The Grauniad'

Heard on a CND anti-warhip demonstration at Pembroke Dock in my youth
"What's this I 'ear about you goin' round tellin' everybody my 'usband 'as a wart on the end of 'is willie, Mrs Jones ?"
"Ooooh - I never said no such thing, Mrs Evans, I only said it felt like 'e 'ad"   
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Mar 20 - 04:30 AM

Thanks Steve - thought you were asking if I read 'The Grauniad'

Heard on a CND anti-warhip demonstration at Pembroke Dock in my youth
"What's this I 'ear about you goin' round tellin' everybody my 'usband 'as a wart on the end of 'is willie, Mrs Jones ?"
"Ooooh - I never said no such thing, Mrs Evans, I only said it felt like 'e 'ad"   
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Mar 20 - 06:18 AM

Another Welsh joke
A Liverpool man takes a week's holiday in a small Welsh village - on the first day he walks down the street saying 'good morning' to everybody he meets - he was greeted with silence each time
He tells the barman that night in the pub and is told, 'We're Welsh speakers around here, if you want to make contact try saying 'iechyd da' (yaki da)
Next morning he sets off and immediately sees a grease covered man stretched out under a car fiddling with the engine
"iechyd da" he chirps out
"Fuck off, you smug Taffy bastard" comes the reply
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Mar 20 - 07:21 AM

Jim Carroll. When the leper threw in a rotten hand, his mates laughed their heads off.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Mar 20 - 12:40 PM

" his mates laughed their heads off"
Gorgeous - GS

Can't remember if I posted this - the last story we recorded from Traveller, Mikeen McCarthy just before he died

Mickey Delaney was a half-Traveller, half tramp way back in Caherciveen when I was young
He never had a tent or a caravan, but would come into town carrying his tools on his shoulder at the beginning of Winter each year, find somewhere to sleep rough and look for work to feed himself until the Spring   
Every year he'd arrive in town, go straight to Dr Clifford's house, knock on the door and ask - "Do you have anything for a back back" or "do you have anything for a stomach ache" or "do you have anything for a pain in the head".....
The Doctor would always invite him in, give him a slap-up meal and a £5 note and send him on his way

This went on for years until, one particularly bad winter Mickey was spotted on the outskirts of town but after that, there was no sign of him
The townspeople became worried and set up a search - they eventually found him frozen to death in an old barn
They went to see Dr Clifford for a death certificate and when they explained what had happened
Clifford said, "I came to this town as a young man intending to marry and raise a family here, so I bought a family plot in the graveyard - I never married, so you might as well bury Mickey up there - plenty of room for two
They did just that, had a drink in the bar to his memory and buried him -Doctor Clifford paid for the funeral

Years rolled by and eventually the Doctor passed away - the townspeople buried him next to Mickey
After the mourners went home, Clifford lay in his box waiting for the journey up when he heard a knocking to the side the coffin
"Who's that" he calls out ?
"It's Mickey", came the reply
"What do you want ?"
"Do you have anything for worms ?"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Mar 20 - 02:20 PM

Careful at the gate, boys, careful at the gate!


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Mar 20 - 03:05 PM

Yes !!!
Another Welsh joke similar to another
A young apprentice engineer from Liverpool decided to blow a few months wages on a holiday in a village in North Wales
After the first day of having nothing to do he was bored out of his skull, so he stood outside the local blacksmith's shop and watched him shoeing a horse, gradually he became fascinated
The Smith invited him in to watch and when he'd finished said, "I'm going down to the pub for my lunch; you can finish off, if you like" - the lad jumped at it
The Smith handed him a file and a wire brush and told him to clean up the horse's feet and remove any burr
When he came back an hour later, he saw the lad had made a perfect job of his task - except the horse was lying on it's back, stone dead, with its legs sticking up in the air
"God lad, you've done a great job, but what happened to the horse?"
"Dunno," he said, "it's been like that since I took it out of the vice"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Mar 20 - 06:37 PM

Mention of Welsh jokes reminds me: A little boy came into a shop and asked for some detergent. "What do you want it for?" "To wash my budgerigar." "That won't do it any good." Nevertheless, the boy picked out some detergent. He came in again a week later. "How is the budgerigar?" "Dead." "What did I tell you?" "It wasn't the detergent that did it. It was the wringer."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Mar 20 - 09:52 AM

Two Elderly Cardiff ladies were conversing through the communal wall of their outside lavatories
"Hmmmmmm.... (straining) Is that you Mrs Evans ?"
"Hmmmmmm.... it is Mrs Davis"
"hmmmmmm.... How's your 'ubby, ?"
"hmmmmmm.... 'Es fine, 'ow's yours ?"
"hmmmmmm.... Same as ever, 'e never changes; 'ows your lad Dai 'avent seen 'im round for a while ?"
"hmmmmmm.....'E's in London, got a place in drama school"
"hmmmmmk..... Always was a clever lad, what't 'e doin' ?"
"hmmmmmm..... 'e's playin 'Amlet"
"hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm oooh, that's a hard part"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Mar 20 - 12:29 PM

Retakes on theatre
"What's it all about Malfi"
"Is this a digger I see before me" (for our Australian Cousins')
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Mar 20 - 02:45 PM

I used to think I loved Joni Mitchell but it turns out ‘’I really don’t know love at all’’


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Mar 20 - 02:58 PM

"I really don’t know love at all’’
I assume - oh never mind....
A non pop-a lover's joke GS
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 Mar 20 - 08:29 PM

According to my Liverpool mates when the film came out, Ben Hur's mother caught leprosy from a toilet seat ?
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 07:10 AM

He's a cold fish...

That's the problem with humour, it needs the references. You think you are funny, the mistake is one of assumption. Dunning-Kruger would be interested in that conceit.

There is a sweet spot, too much knowledge on the subject and it becomes unfunny again.
When the world woke up to silicon chips there were numerous jokes about silicone, particularly involving breasts. If you can design with silicon chips it just isn't funny. It is a pun without usable connection.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 07:41 AM

My fish jokes are brill, so just get off your high sea-horse.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:10 AM

"My fish jokes are brill, "
I've always tried to skate over them Steve, though you don't want to hear what I say about them out of your herring

A Liverpool kids joke
A hard of hearing woman went to the doctor's to get advice on how to get pregnant - he told her, 'You have an agitated hole and if you have a baby it will be a miracle'
She returned home dejected - "What did he say ?" asked her husband
"He said I have a haddock up my hole and if I have a baby it will be a mackerel"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:21 AM

One of my all time fav fish songs by Kip Adotta

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6l1GvDWtccI


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:35 AM

Whale kipper whelk-ome for you here if you ever visit Cornwall, Jim...Don't ling-er now...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:51 AM

How Baramundi, or or would Tuesday be Betta ?
There'll be a grouper of us - must get our pikes out
(only another 24 letters to go)
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:54 AM

If these fish puns elicit anything other than a groan it'll be a fluke.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:56 AM

Any day barramundi, Jim. That's the sole day I can't hake it....


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 09:19 AM

Just asked Pat if she wants to come but she's a bit Koi - she's in one of her carping moods
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 09:24 AM

I'll have yo fluke elsewhere
Beatcha too it !!

Pollocks to this, I've other fish to fry
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 12:42 PM

I suppose you know what we've just done was a Flyting (sort of) Steve
Maybe ewe should do one on birds !!!
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 12:42 PM

I suppose you know what we've just done was a Flyting (sort of) Steve
Maybe ewe should do one on birds !!!
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 12:51 PM

Careful, Jim - we don't want to do anything that woodcock up this thread...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 02:28 PM

Are there nationalistic birds? I thought birds were without borders.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 02:33 PM

A Dodo?


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 02:39 PM

The greatest birds in the world are the two Liver birds in Liverpool, on the Royal Liver Building on the Pier Head, which are also on the crest of Liverpool FC. I'll brook no demurrals...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 02:46 PM

"Careful, Jim - we don't want to do anything that woodcock up this thread..."
I'll finch about it
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 02:46 PM

Hen I get time, that is !!
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 04:08 PM

A Sussex couple walking along the coast came across the remains of a bird’s nest the seagulls had obviously got at – on closer examination they found rather a strange looking egg which they wiped down and gently carried back to the car
When the got home they noticed it was still warm and appeared to contain a developing chick, so they made a makeshift nest on the kitchen worktop and left it there to see what happened
Over the next few days it showed signs of hatching and, when I finally did, the strangest, ugliest-looking chick broke out
They left it in the nest, took a photograph and sent it off to the Natural History Museum in London – after a short while they got an excited reply saying they had never seen such a bird and would be in touch – they also said that it was so unusual that the staff had named it ‘The Rary Bird’
The bird continued to grow at an alarming rate, so much in fact that they were forced to take it from the worktop, drag out an old dog-basket and rehouse it there
With a week it had outgrown the dog basket so they were forced to put it in the garden shed on a large bundle of old blankets – it was costing a small fortune to keep it in food
Still not hearing from the Natural History Museum the couple decided that, as it was one of a kind, the Museum would probably experiment on it and eventually stuff it – so they decided to drive down to the coast where they found it and try to get it to fly away
They did this, gingerly lifted it off the borrowed trailer truck and placed it at the edge of the cliff…. and waited, and waited, and waited – nothing happened
Finally the man said to his wife, “We’re going to have to give it a push over the cliff”.
Reluctantly she agreed, they placed it on the edge and made ready – the bird stared at them silently with it’s huge liquid eyes and finally said – “That’s a long way to tip a Rary”
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 06:45 AM

From Mr Red yesterday:

"You think you are funny, the mistake is one of assumption."

Is this a Red grouse?

Sorry, couldn't resist...Cheers for bringing birds into it, Jim. I hope no-one thinks this is a cheep jibe...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 07:24 AM

"Sorry, couldn't resist"
Don't chicken out Steve - that was worth a heron
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 07:48 AM

No egrets, then, Jim?


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 07:54 AM

Only a mew
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 07:58 AM

Steve
Before we take plover this thread, perhaps we should let plovers have a go
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 08:01 AM

I meant "the nest have a go" - didn't smink of it in time
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 10:38 AM

Went birdwatching this morning on the nature reserve. Didn't see much because of the rain but I did get a shag in the reeds...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Michael
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 11:46 AM

But not thrush I hope Steve


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 12:19 PM

No, but I got an unexpected goose...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 12:45 PM

"No, but I got an unexpected goose..."
So you came home feeling cocky and had to pullet
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 12:54 PM

Have you lot nothing better to do than to swan around on here making perfect tits of yourselves?


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 01:11 PM

The Moorhen I'm Heron these bird puns the less I Cara Cara for them.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 03:39 PM

Now look what we've done Steve - two birds with one stone (chat)
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 03:46 PM

This made me laugh for some reason (Daily Mail - yes I know...)

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 04:15 PM

True story. I was told of an overheard remark. Two women discussing what they read in the Daily Mail. A run (sic) on toilet rolls, and wmpty shelves. At which a man piped up and suggested using the Daily Mail.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 Mar 20 - 04:30 AM

"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?"
Years ago a remainder bookshop in Dublin had a sizeble paperback on its shelves entitled 'The Mammoth Book of Australian Culture'
On opening it you found all the pages were blank - it was an exercise book, published in New Zealand
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Mar 20 - 06:14 AM

Reminds me of Mr Johnson (the Medallion Man) in Fawlty Towers, who called a pamphlet on the notable sights in Torquay "one of the world's shortest books, like 'The Wit of Margaret Thatcher,'" to Basil's chagrin.

It's a bit poignant that the fellow who played Mr Johnson, Nicky Henson (uncle of Adam Henson of Countryfile as it happens), died just before Christmas after a 20-year battle with cancer. He and John Cleese were good mates in real life.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Mar 20 - 06:21 AM

John Cleese has said that people keep asking him if he plays golf. He said "The answer is 'No.' I'm a democrat."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Mar 20 - 06:30 AM

published in New Zealand

I heard a few Ozzie jokes in NZ, usual fair - nearest neighbour, one county short of a country. But I heard one that I reminded me of a Polish joke about Russians.

Why does a **neigbour's** haircut cost $4? - Well it's a dollar per corner, innit mate?

** other ccountries & currencies are available.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Mar 20 - 06:49 AM

Ha, just sent that one to me brother in New Zealand. I like it!


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 Mar 20 - 07:03 AM

Send him this
Q - What do you call a cultured Australian -
A - A New Zealander
Must stop this
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Mar 20 - 07:59 AM

Whats black & blue and floats in the Tasman Sea?
A Kiwi that tells Ozzie jokes..........


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 Mar 20 - 08:14 AM

" floats in the Tasman Sea?"
Must have been trying to escape from Australia
Having said that, I have the greatest respect for Australia - I have an Irish cousin who settle and raised her family there - and loves it
I fell madly in love with the Australian girls who took 'The Great Trek' to London in their camper vans and took over some of my favourite pubs for a time
We took my late mate, Tommy Munnelly to the wonderful Elizabethan pup, 'The George' in Southwark when we visited us in London
When Tommy asked for 'two glasses of bitter' - the very attractive Australian woman behind the bar replied, "We don't serve it in buckets luv'
Later I went to buy my round and commented on what a beautiful pub The George was I was told, "It's like working in a ****** museum mate"
How could you possible dislike people like that !!!
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 11 Mar 20 - 04:45 AM

When I moved to London I was befriended by two singers who used to take me on bookings with them
On long car journeys we invented a game, reinventing names of songs and ballads - I've always wanted to add to it

I can remember:
The Unquiet Gravy'
The Dowie Dens of Marrow'
The Grey Coc-au-Van'
'Hang Down Your Head Tandoorie'
Terrapin Hero
The False Kite on the Toad
Allan Tyne of Marrow
The Bonnie Scouse of Airly

Peggy Seeger never found that we'd re-named her beautiful, Hello Friend, I see you're a stranger' "Hello Fiend, I see you're a strangler"

I'll try and remember more later, but I'd be grateful for additions
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Mar 20 - 07:51 PM

A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar, and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink.

The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?"

The guy says "There's a genie standing right outside your door and he's granting wishes. I bet he's still there if you hurry."

The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus. The bartender says "You didn't tell me the genie was hard of hearing. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The guy says,"Do you really think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 13 Mar 20 - 04:08 AM

Wooonderful BDE

A man serving a long sentence fills his time watching and feeding a mouse that has nested in his cell - he becomes intrigued with its behavior so he sets about training it to do tricks
He teaches it to walk on its hind legs, to somersault and eventually, to dance to tunes he whistles
When he is finally released, he manages to slip it into his pocket, intending to make his fortune from it
He heads for the nearest bar hoping to earn a free pint with it - he calls the barman over, places it on the counter and sets it off dancing
The barman stares at it for a minute, reaches for a tray and squashes it flat saying, "this place is crawling with the dirty little fuckers"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Mar 20 - 06:00 AM

Erwin Shrödinger's last words
before you lower me into the ground, lift the lid & check


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 13 Mar 20 - 09:34 AM

Local West Clare Farmer J.C. Walsh's last words
"When I die, put me in my coffin face down so they can all kiss my arse
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 13 Mar 20 - 09:47 AM

This morning I saw an ambulance with "Patient transport services" on the side. Behind it was another sounding its horn and trying to overtake. I guess it was IMpatient transport services

I'll get me straitjacket.

RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 13 Mar 20 - 10:32 AM

In the paper yesterday, a fond grandparent told of his 4yr old grandson, whose parents always said, "Bon appétit" in restaurants etc.
The child has taken this in and now says, "Born up a tree!" before they eat. Not a joke but a true story, and it did make me laugh.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Mar 20 - 08:03 PM

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’?‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of stupid person would name a bird Moses?’?The parrot replied………
’The same kind of person that would name his Rottweiler Jesus.’


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Mar 20 - 11:49 AM

Where have you been all my life GS ???
Two more gems for the book

Pat't just come home from the Supermarket giggling
One of the new notices by the unwrapped food counter, regarding the health scare reads "customers must use thongs"
It's going to take me all afternoon to calm her down
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Mar 20 - 12:27 PM

For those who remember the advertising slogan for 'Philosan Health Tonic' - popular when I didn't need it

A man is admitted into hospital for the very first time - the first night he is so nervous he is unable to sleep
In the early hours, he spots a young nurse who silently slips into the ward and climbs into bed with an elderly man
a few minutes later, she clims out, and tiptoes down to another bed... and slowly makes her way completely around the room, then quietly slips out again
Next morning, the new man explains what he witnessed to one of the nurses
"Take no notice" she tells him, "That's Phyllis Anne - he fortifies the over forties"
JIm Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Mar 20 - 12:53 PM

For the songs-food thing, remember poor Miss Bayleaf (unfortunate miss Bayleaf)!


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Mar 20 - 12:59 PM

Cheering me up no end
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Mar 20 - 10:40 AM

the addendump to never trust a fart is:

"Don't sit on a loose stool"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Mar 20 - 10:50 AM

Which reminds me
At a royal banquet HM let off a loud skirtlifter - oune of the great ad good sitting lose leapt to he feet, apoligised profusely and hurried from the room
An American ambassador sitting along the table, turns to his neigbour and askes - "What's with him - she did it"
He is told, "In Enland a gentleman always takes the blame for that sort of thing"
Shortly afterwards Madge lets another one go
The Yank leaps up and shouts up the table, "Relax ma-am, this one's on me"

In the same vein
A pupil in calls puts his hand up and asks, "Sir, does wind come in lumps"
"No, of course not" he is sternly told.
"Then I've shit myself"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Mar 20 - 10:51 AM

It's the way I smell 'em
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Mar 20 - 11:36 AM

A teacher farts in front of the class, reddens deeply and sais to the scruff sitting in the front desk, "Tommy - stop that"
"Certainly Miss, which way did it go?"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 16 Mar 20 - 01:05 PM

Did you hear about the hyenas that ate Oxo cubes?
They were the laughing stock of Africa.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Mar 20 - 02:40 PM

Ya goora larf - 'aven't you ?

A liverpool Catholic Schoolteacher, Peter Moloney, made his name in the sixties by listening to what his kids did, and then write them up

He describes how he was sitting outside the confessional in his church aiting to confess his sins, when he hears the priest roar out in the box: "What kind of a little girl are you?"
Came the reply: "I'm a little boy, father"

Two of his pupils were walking down the road near a local Priory when they see an elderly monk, dressed in black robes, bent double and hobbling along the road with some difficulty
One asks "Ay father, was you in the Ark"
"No of course I wasn't yo stupid boy" he snapped
"The why weren't you drowned" came the reply
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 Mar 20 - 01:54 PM

I must have told this before but it's such a depressing day here in 'closed for business' Ireland....
A handsome young boy is the sole survivor of a shipwreck on an idyllic desert island
There is plenty of food and water to survive and the lad grown into early manhood without ever meeting a fellow human being
Desperate to fill in the empty hours, he begins to be aware of his developing manhood and decides to do tricks with it
He sits on the pebble shore and begins to fist push pebbles along with it and later, to flick them into the sea
He develops his 'trick' to throw them further and further into the sea until h manages extremely impressive distances

One day he is sitting on the beach occupying himself, as usual, when a beautiful young woman, slightly his senior, swims ashore, the survivor of another shipwreck
"What are you doing?" she asks - he explains
"I'm sure we can find something far more enjoyable to do with that" she says
She sits beside him, puts an arm around his shoulder and begins to fondle him till he becomes very aroused - a totally new experience for him
Under her instructions, they begin to make love until, at last they both lay gasping on the beach
"What do you think of that?" she asks
"It was wonderful" he replies, "but I suppose you know you've ruined my flicker?
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 18 Mar 20 - 06:33 AM

A family of tortoises decided to go on a picnic
They packed their hamper and set off - it took a week to reach their chosen picnic ground
Mother tortoise started to unpack the hamper and, nearly finished, she suddenly said, "We've forgotten to pack the tin-opener"
Panic all round because most of the food was tinned
They debated the problem and argued who should go back for the tin-opener
They finally decided to toss a coin Tommy, the youngest lad (aged 40) lost
He argued at first but finally agreed to go, sayig , "Don't start without me"
They patiently waited - one week, two weeks, three weeks.... no sign of Tommy
Finally she said, "I don't know about you, I'm starving, lets have some bread and cheese
She made some sandwiches and they were just about to tuck in when Tommy popped his head up over the top of the rise and said, "I told you not to start without me - I'm not going"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Mar 20 - 09:38 AM

I sat watching a video one night when I was with my ex wife. She was baking in the kitchen. I started to shout... 'No No don't do it, it's a trap'!!!! She shouted 'What are you watching'?......... I replied 'Oh just our wedding video'


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 18 Mar 20 - 11:10 AM

Oh dear !!
Local story told around here about the annual matchmaking festival in Lisdoonvarna
An elderly bachelor farmer farming one of the rough pieces of land on the Burren used to drive into Lisdoon on his donkey and cart whenever he ran out of provisions - he'd usually buy what he neded, load up the flatback cart and have a few pints, before driving home
One day, forgetting the Matchmaking Festival was on, he hitched up the cart and drove in, a little confused at firt at all the strangers
When he remembered, he stocked up and loaded the cart, had his usual pints and set off home
As he drove through town he saw a young woman standing at the side of the road hoping to be 'taken on, so he stopped, made a deal with her, sat her on the top of the provisions and drove out of town
A mile out of town, as he turned off the main road onto the rough 'green track' up the steep hill leading home the wind began to get up, it clouded over and it began to spatter with rain
The cart was rather heavily loaded and, what with the extra weight of the woman, the donkey began to struggle - after a few hundred yards, it stumbled
"That's one" said the farmer, and drove on
A short distance later the same thing happened and the poor animal stumbled again
"That's two" said the farmer again
Puzzled, the young woman said nothing
A mile further the donkey stumbled for the third time
The farmer reached for an ash-plant on the pleasure board beside him, got down, walked to the front and struck the beast a mighty blow between the eyes, killing it stone dead
In horror, the girl jumps down
"What did you do that for" she screams, the poor beat was overloaded and couldn't help slipping, besides, it's getting dark and bucketing with rain and we're still nowhere near any signs of life......"
"That's one" says the farmer.
(also found in the Appalachians)
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Mar 20 - 06:06 PM

A passenger in a taxicab on the way to the airport gently tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. To the passenger's surprise, the driver let out a horrendous scream and nearly lost control of the cab, nearly striking a pedestrian and stopping just inches from a store's plate glass window.

"Oh my!" said the passenger, "I didn't mean to frighten you. I only wanted to ask a question. I'm sorry."

"No, no." replied the driver, "It was my fault. It was just a bit unexpected. This is my first day driving a taxicab. For the last twenty-five years, I've been driving a hearse."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Mar 20 - 01:20 PM

That's what we need in these worrying times - two fingers to our problems BDE

Just heard on the radio that they're burying the victims of the pandemic in Dublin - without coughin'

Keeping the home fires burning
A teacher announced to her Social Science class that she would be concentrating on things medical next time so they should bring in something appropriate to discuss
When the day arrived and she asked for examples a little girl handed in a packet of plasters
"Very good Mary" - and they discussed their uses
Next came another girl, who offered up a bottle of Iodine - the same again
She was about to move on when the tearaway of the class, late as usual, bust through the classroom door wheeling an Iron Lung.
Astounded, the teacher said, "That's amazing Tommy - where did you get it?"
It's my father's" came the reply
"Didn't he mind your borrowing it - what did he say when you took it ?"
"Arghhhhhhhhhh !" he said
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Mar 20 - 02:39 PM

A young courageous bloke
thought Covis was a joke
When he went on crowded outings
People heard him shouting
"I'm not going to croa


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: BobL
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 03:36 AM

Come on Don, you can do better. How about:

A bold but imprudent young bloke
Held that covid 19 was a joke
On his out-and-aboutings
Everyone heard his shoutings
"I'm blowed if I'm going to cr..."

Sorry, but limericks that don't scan* really get on my wick

* with honourable exceptions like the Young Man from Japan of course


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 04:53 AM

Another Buren Story (probably told this too)
A couple, getting on in years, farmed a rough piece of land on The Burren
The nearest farm was a mile and there were a few others scattered around the area, but it was a pretty lonely life
She would occasionally ride around on her bike to some of the neighnouring farms and swap bits and pieces of produce she'd grown in her vegetable garden, but apart from that, their only contact with the outside world was a visit to Lisdoonvarna on the donkey and cart for provisions
One day she announced she was going to ride down to Lisdoon to get her hair done - a thing he'd never remembered her doing
He thought to himself that it must be an anniversary or something he'd forgotten, in which case there might be a treat for him that night when they went to bed
When she rode off, he set about cleaning the house from top to bottom, something he'd never done in his life
He dusted, he swept the floor, polished the delph, washed down all the surfaces - he even took down the curtains and shook them in the yard
He cleaned the bedroom, put on fresh bed linen, and carefully placed candles around the room to create a romantic atmosphere
As he was just finished, he happened to look under the bed and spotted a large wooden box, which he dragged our and opened it
Inside it was crammed with money, coins and notes, carefully placed on top were three chickens eggs
He shoved the box back and waited for his wife to return,
When she eventually did, she was stunned to see what he had done
He said, "I thought it must be a spacial day, you getting you hair done, so I thought we'd do something different"
The thanked him and said she'd cook something nice instead of the usual bacon and cabbage
"But what's that box under the bed?", he asked
"She collapsed in a chair, looking very embarrassed, though a moment and finally said, "To tell you the truth John, I have to confess I've been unfaithful to you"
"How do you mean?" he asked
She said, "Well, when I visited neigbours sometimes and found the wife out, me and the husband... well, you know"
"And the eggs....?", he said   
"Well, each time I did it I was so ashamed I took a new laid egg from under the chickens and placed it in the box to remind me not to do it again"
He was shattered; he stood there silent for a minute and finally said, "Well, we've been together forty years and you haven't had much of a life with me, what with the farm and everything - so I suppose three times in all those years is understandable, so I forgive you - but what about the money?
"Well, each time I got enough eggs I rode around and sold them to the neighbours and put the money in the box for a rainy day"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 06:52 AM

God got frustrated and bored, at a distance all God heard were millions of people praying that their project to "PLEASE LET IT GO VIRAL.."
For the sake of some peace and quiet our prayers were answered.





THOU SHALT NOT COVID THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE
OR OX


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 07:46 AM

The King's fair land was invaded by the Plague. He watched from his tower and proclaimed "All is well". As fewer people could be seen The King proclaimed "All is well" despite his army and doctors already dead from th plague. Finally the King died from the Plague and already aflame with the fires of Hell and stood before St Peter.
"Why do you bring this agony to me." screamed the king. St Peter said "It is not I, it is, ALL HIS WILL".


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 08:03 AM

another brilliant camouflage


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 08:04 AM

Tommy Robinson died and was immediately sent down to Hell
The Devil greeted him and showed him around - they went into a room where everybody was standing waist deep in barrels of shit
"Well" said Robinson, it's not good but it's nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be"
"You've come during their tea break" said the Devil, "Back on your heads lads"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 08:23 AM

This was the first joke I learned at 5. But my version included a motorboat.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 09:19 AM

Thank you Mr President for playing Match Game
Your #1 answer for what makes a Good President is
"Popularity"...Audience Survey says... Integrity, oo
Your #2 answer is
"High Fashion"..Survey says..Compassion... sorry , so close
Your #3 answer is
"Good Teeth" . Survey says ...Good Team... ohh so close again
Your #4 answer is..
"EXCELLENCE"... Survey says...Intelligence... Oh thats close enough
YOU WIN!


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 09:59 AM

It's a bloody joke thread fer chrissake. Take your Trump obsession elsewhere.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 10:10 AM

There was this mathematician who was so scared of negative numbers that he'd stop at nothing to avoid them...

I'll get me coat...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 10:56 AM

Then there was the constipated mathematician who was forced to work it out with a pencil
Get my coat while you're there Steve
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 02:12 PM

Steve you're not supposed to take Colon Blow up your nose.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 02:18 PM

Relax and have a nice bowel of chicken soup.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 02:34 PM

Boris just said moments ago "I have not received the credit I deserve".

- CLEARLY SINCE HE'S NOT BEEN HUNG UPSIDE DOWN LIKE MUSSOLINI


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 06:17 PM

Subject: RE: BS: New rules for the coming pandemic
From: Donuel - PM
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 01:49 PM

...
The US Preident just said moments ago "I have not received the credit I deserve".

- CLEARLY SINCE HE'S NOT BEEN HUNG UPSIDE DOWN LIKE mUSSOLINI



So, which one was it Donuel, Boris or Donald?

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 06:31 PM

He's said both, in two different threads, Doug. That's fine. But, in this thread, there was no joke. Donuel can't do jokes. I suppose there comes a point when he's so bloody unfunny that he becomes funny. We have a long way to go.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 06:48 PM

Many a true word said in jest? Yesterday, Elizabeth Windsor, plus corgi, made way for our new Buckingham Public Hospital.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Mar 20 - 08:27 AM

When we have all died of the Corona virus and some aliens land on this planet..... They will assess that we have all died of the virus but will wonder why all our backsides are so clean.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Mar 20 - 08:46 AM

One thing we can learn form history is: that we don't learn anything from history.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Mar 20 - 08:53 AM

Here's one Neil D. put up in another thread:

I'm a guy with Corona virus looking for a woman with Lyme disease.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Mar 20 - 09:30 AM

Corona with Lyme = love it.

Many Musicians are offering new lyrics
Billy Joel 'And we are All Fired Together'


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Mar 20 - 07:13 AM

Q. How do you turn a duck into an R&B singer?


A. Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers.

I'll. get me coat again...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 22 Mar 20 - 09:36 AM

Queen Victoria and Prince Albert are being shown around the Crimea War military hospital at Chatham and the Queen is stopping at each bed to talk to the soldiers
At the first asks, "What are you here for soldier?"
"Piles ma-am", he said
And what treatment will you get?" she asked
"Rub of the wire brush ma-am", came the reply.
"And what are your ambitions soldier?" she asked
"To get well, get back to the front and fight for Queen and country ma-am" he said proudly   
On to the next.
"And what are you being treated for soldier?"
"Syphilis, I'm ashamed to say ma-am" he replied
Unfazed, she asked, "And what's the treatment, soldier?"
"Rub of the wire brush ma-am", came the reply."
"And what are your ambitions when you are cured soldier?" she asked
"To get well, get back to the front and fight for Queen and country ma-am" he said proudly   
She nodded and moved on to the next man
"And why are you here, soldier?"
"Acute pyorrhea of the gums ma-am" he mumbled
"And what's the treatment for that soldier?"
"Rub of the wire brush ma-am", came the reply."
"And what are you hope for soldier?" she asked
"To get treated before those other two dirty bastards ma-am" he said
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 05:38 AM

The latest Russian coronavirus patient has been named:- Ivor Chestikov.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Sweet Caroline
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 08:01 AM

Where it began, I can't begin to knowing
But then I know it's growing strong
Was in the spring
And spring became the summer
Who'd have believed it would come along
Hands, not touching hands
Reaching out, not touching me, not touching you

Sweet Quarantine
Good times never seemed so bad
I've been inclined
To believe we never could
But now I
Look at the night and it don't seem so lonely
We filled it up with only two
And when I hurt
Hurting runs off my shoulders
How can I hurt without holding you
One, not touching one
Reaching out, not touching me, not touching you…
Sweet Quarantine...








Source: LyricFind


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 08:21 AM

(the heart goes on)

Every night on TV
I see it, I hear it
That's how I know Covid goes on
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on
Here, there, wherever you are
I believe that the virus goes on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my nose
And my cough will go on and on
Covid can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go 'til we're gone

Once more…you open the door...


These are not meant to be funny in case you didn't know


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 08:54 AM

Then, um, why are they here?


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 08:58 AM

Not funny, not clever, wtf are they doing on a joke thread.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 10:32 AM

A couple of 'Lime Street' jokes - probably told them before, but I need cheering up
AS friends of 'Maggie May' will know, Lime Street was once the notorious Liverpool 'Red Light' district, particularly in wartime and when Liverpool was a major seaport
Two friends ran a fish and chip shop on Lime Street but when WW2 came, what with the difficulty of fishing because of the UBoats and the rationing of potatoes, it became nearly impossible to get supplies and custom dropped to a standstill
One day one of them said to his mate, "Let's pack in the shop and open a brothel"
"Don't be daft", said his mate, "If we can't sell fish and chips how are we going to sell soup ?"

A mouse was crossing the tramlines on Lime Street one night - as he reached the centre the tram's front wheels ran over his tail and cut it clean off
As he turned to see if he could find it, the back wheels cut his head off
The moral of the story - Don't lose your head when you're looking for your tail in Lime Street
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 11:52 AM

I was told this by a Liverpool docker we recorded who fought in the trenches in WW1
He was worried I would take it as being racist - it wasn't, of course, neither was he
A West Indian living in Liverpool was told by the doctor he was dying and was asked would he like to donate his body parts - he said he would, but only if they would tell him who was getting his heart
Reluctantly, the doctor agreed and gave him the name and address of the recipient, somewhere in Toxteth, on the east side
He went along to the address and knocked at the door; out came a huge, beer-bellied thug, body, piercing, skinhead haircut, Union Jack tee-shirt, the lot
"What the ***** do you want ?" he was asked.
"To tell you the truth, I've found out I'm dying and have donated my body to medical science - you're going to get my heart"
"Thank **** for that" came the reply, "I thought you were coming to live next door"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Mar 20 - 03:54 AM

Queen Victoria at Chatham again
She prided herself on her stoicism and was determined not to comment on the horrors she was shown, no matter how bad
As her visit proceeded she suspected she was being sheltered from some of the worst, so she demanded to see them all
Reluctantly her hosts conducted her to a locked room at the back of the hospital where they treated some of the very worst cases - missing limbs, some limbless, blindness, maiming beyond belief.... everything imaginable
She never commented
She noticed a curtained-off section at the very back and demanded to be shown what it contained - they attempted to argue, but she demanded her royal right
In the room was a single bed that, at first appeared to be empty - when they drew back the covers there was a single ear on the pillow
She gasped and drew back in horror- "that's awful", she said
"I know Your Majesty", said the doctor, "and it's deaf"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Mar 20 - 04:13 AM

A chap with a wooden leg was hopping down the High Street, and as he progressed he was seen pouring melted caramel over his head.
Turns out he was on his way to a fancy dress party, going as a toffee apple.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Mar 20 - 04:34 AM

I know I've told this numerous times - my favourite, told to us by a retired building worker from Clare, an ex farmer, fisherman and curragh maker living in Deptford
A Clare farmer was working in the fields when he caught his leg on a piece of rusty barbed wire
He did nothing about in until, after a few weeks, it began to redden, get sore and swell
It became so bad he was forced finally to go to Ennis hospital where he was told it had become gangrenous and would have to be removed
A neighbour came to see him the day after the operation and asked, "How did it go Tommy?"
"Bad and good" he replied, "they cut the wrong leg off"
"That's terrible" the neighbor said
"Not too bad, the other one's getting better"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Mar 20 - 09:14 AM

A man with a long term problem of a dripping willie gets fed up of the embarrassment and ruined clothes and goes to the doctor for advice
He is told, "there's no regular cure, but I have a colleague who believes he's come up with the answer"
The man goes to see him and the colleague explains, "I'm pretty sure it works but the operation is pretty painful; I have to take a hair from your nose and insert it as far up your penis as I can manage"
He agrees and undergoes the very uncomfortable process and is told, "now go off and try it"
He does so, has a pee and waits; he is dismayed to see a large dewdrop appear
It hangs there; he waits and waits and waits, until finally his willie gives a huge "sniffff"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Mar 20 - 02:20 PM

Richard Feynman talk, "Los Alamos From Below"

1.3 hours, 10 laughs a minute. Yet very inspiring, he was a comedy genius as well one of the best physicists of his era. If you are self-isolating well worth waiting for the story of the safes at the end.

Enjoy


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 26 Mar 20 - 04:17 PM

An Amrican tourist drving a big car touring Devon, turned off the main roads and becan to explore the rural back lanes
Not noticing how narrow they were getting, he eventually found himself inable to go back and had to proceed forwward untileventually he reached a stream which crossed the road as a ford
Worried at the possible depth, he degts out of the acr and spaeks to an elderly farmer leaning on his gate
On asking him how deep it was he was told, somewhat laconically, "You'll be all right sir"
He climbs back in and proceeds - the river rises over the tyre level and eventually begins to flood into the car
Furious, he gets out, wades ashore, and storms back to the farmer
"I thought you said I'd be all right" he shouted
"Well sir, it only comes half-way up my ducks", came the reply
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 Mar 20 - 04:40 PM

Boy in Catholic confessional: "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you!”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads ..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 26 Mar 20 - 04:55 PM

It seems that tourists are particularly liable to ask the wrong question of the wrong peasants. Coming to a ford similar to that mentioned above, one visitor to the area asked a nearby local, one J---- D----, whether there were "a good bottom to it" (and therefore safe to cross). He was assured that there was indeed a good bottom.

Emerging, predictably and spluttering from the water, which was much deeper than expected, he roared at the local, "you said it had a good bottom to it!" In response, he was calmly told, "there is a good bottom to it, ye're just not at it yet". (c. 1930)


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 Mar 20 - 11:04 PM

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store, where he...






...ordered a dozen sausages in perfectly intelligible English.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 04:09 AM

A woman getting on in years was delivered of her tenth child
The doctor took her aside and told her that, at her age, maybe it was time she stopped having children
"I kniow doctor" she said, "it's all because of my being hard of hearing"
"How do you mean" asks the doctor ?
"Well", she says, "Each night we go to be bed he asks, ""Shall we go to sleep or what ?"" - I always say ""What?""
Jim Caarroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 11:28 AM

quote of Fakebook - ironical - waht?

We didn't have a fake News until we had a Fake President...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 12:41 PM

" "there is a good bottom to it, ye're just not at it yet". (c. 1930)"
Bee interested to know where that came from

My family were among those who fled the Famine and they still told (surprisingly humourous stories of those times
A Connemara man, naving been told that the streets of England were lined with gold, set out on the great journey
Landing in Liverpool, he was walking up the Floating Roadway when he say a half crown gleaming on the floor
He bent to pick it up, paused, straightened and kicked it in The Mersey saying "Feck it - I'll start in the morning"

My dad wa a reluctant navvy and he spent a great deal of time helping organise the men for winning better conditions on the sites
When he left, after my twin sisters were born, he kept in touch with his former mates who were constantly asking his advice
We were living in Kirkby, not far from The East Lancashire Road so one day two of them working there knocked on the door asking him could he help organise a meeting
He went to the local Priest who was sympathetic and got permission to use the local Church Hall - on the night of the meeting, he went with his mates - this was around the time that the church were using Bingo sessions to raise money
My day came home from the meeting and told the family, "They've got a new game over there - the proest hands outt cards with numbers on them and then calls out a series of number - if you get the right ones, you win a prize,
He's calling the numbers out in Irish so the Protestants can#'t win
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 12:56 PM

I am reminded of my mom, whose Hungarian accent lightly overlaid with German, Serbian and French, made her English, shall we say, interesting. An interested cabbie once asked her where her accent was from, and she said, Eet comes frrom trrrying to speak Eenglish!


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 01:26 PM

An Italian millionaire had a mansion built in Millionaire's Row in London
When it was finished he was highly pleased with everything but he demanded of the site manager "Where's the Halo Statue"
Puzzled, the man went out and purchased a large stature of The Virgin Mary
"No, no, no!!" screamed the man, holding his hand to his ear "Halo 's t'at you"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 01:54 PM


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 02:25 PM

Don't know what happened there! Anyway, re. the "good bottom" to the river, the source for that is Donegal (told to me in late 1970s, maybe early 1980s, but going back to the Thirties). Same source, more or less the same time:

At a time, there was this scheme to charge a licence fee for dogs. I see it's come back again, since the Irish Government is among the finest examples of the dictum that the one thing every government learns from its predecessor is the art of extracting money from the population. But, to our tale. Some kind of an official, a warden or inspector or member of the Council was, in pursuit of dogs, a man goin' round takin' names. Farmers were, as usual, particularly targeted. The Dog-Man came to the same JD, and, on asking him did he know of any dogs in the area, was immediately informed that he knew of at least half-a-dozen. Eagerly, the official asked, officially, where these doggies were.
JD didn't even need to speak, just indicated the river....


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 02:35 PM

The story about the recently arrived immigrant reminds me of other such tales originating in this shared experience. One involved the Irishman who lost his footing on the wet cobbles of the street in Liverpool, slipped, and sat down heavily and no doubt painfully, but amusingly to two local Polis. The Sergeant said, "ah, Paddy, you'll find the streets of Britain are tricky of themselves", to which our hero responded, "Tricky and all as they are, I made them kiss my arce".
That's not a "typo", but an authentic spelling from a local (an aunt spelled it thus in a letter. To my mother).


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 03:41 PM

Thanks for that B - and the story
I suppose you know about Government 'Half Crown' award to all families who produced children which gave a new significance to "making a half Crown"
HERE
More tomorrow - only just got started
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 06:32 PM

I haven't heard the song re. "Oul' de Valera" and the (uncharacteristically generous) bounty per child, though I've heard others in a similar vein delivered by those who can do them justice. Many of the jokes I heard of the kind instanced above are really the records, probably improved in the telling, of witty ripostes made ex tempore by various local characters ("Worthies" as they would once have been called in Scotland).

One such was "Tramp McG-----", born in the year of 1848 and living till he was "well over the hundred"; he said he was starting the second century a hell of a lot healthier than he started the first. Anyway, he is said to have asked a Nun about the ring on her finger, and got the conventional reply about being married to Christ. "The dear-me-save-us!" said he, as he always does in these short tales, "but ye aimed high for a husband."

Good Luck,
ABCD.

* It's often said that there's not a road in Ireland named after "The Chief" because none could be found that is long enough and crooked enough. Actually there's a Bothar de Valera in Letterkenny. Donegal is different.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 05:10 AM

Another of my dad's stories
The sanitary conditions (when there were any) on the sites he worked on consisted of digging a large hole, placing a plank balanced on two oil drums across it and then dropping a shed over it
When the hole was full it was moved elsewhere and the old one filled in
My dad went in to one of these sheds at one time and found a workmate up his knees in the mess, fishing around with his arm
"What are you doing down there Tommy ?" he asked
"Well Jimmy; I came in to make myself comfortable, took my jacket off and hung it over the plank and it fell in - I'm trying to find it"
"You couldn't possibly wear it after it's been in there" said my dad
"I know that, but my sandwiches are in the pocket"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 10:21 AM

Some months later, I understand the same gentleman lost an ear in an accident involving a blade on the end of a plumb-line. A quick search found a bleeding ear, but the injured and bleeding workie said it couldn't be his. He always had a pencil tucked behind his.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 11:00 AM

A young 'nipper' (tea lad) working on the road outside Doncaster went into town to a dance one Saturday night and became very friendly with a local girl
He walked her home and she asked him would he like to come in for a while
"You'll have to be very quiet and not wake up my parents" she told him
They both quietly slipped in, got comfortable on the sofa and started to.... what young people do
After a half hour he whispered, "Can I use your toilet ?"
"Would the kitchen sink do ?" she asked, "I daren't let you go upstairs"
"That'll do fine", he said
He disappeared into the kitchen and, after a while he popped his head around the kitchen door and whispered, "Have you got any paper ?"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 12:14 PM

Read that one, almost word for word really, in a Student Magazine from about 1980! Another in the same publication involved neighbours, one young man and a similarly single young woman, in the days when houses were small and simply furnished, and while they may have had inside plumbing with a sink and tap there was nothing like washing-machines, far less dishwashers. There were not any inside toilets either, but each of these neighbours had a little outhouse at the end of the yard.
    The young man wished often to speak with the young lady, but seldom had the opportunity and in any case became awkward and tongue-tied in her presence. Anyway, as far as I recall, he decided "Dutch courage" was called for, and fortified himself with a shot or two of [insert proprietary brand] whiskey. Maybe he overdid it, because when he looked from his window and saw the young lady making her way elegantly across her yard, he stumbled slightly as he hastened to speak to her over the wall, but recovered himself sufficiently to say hello and try to pass the time of day. She was pleasant enough, which must have caused his shyness to resurface. He couldn't think what to say to continue the conversation. He glanced round desperately for ideas. He scanned the house, the yard, the gate, the outhouse, the little patch of worn grass..
      It was but a moment till inspiration struck. Pleasantly, politely, he enquires, "So, ye gaun' furra sh-te, then?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 01:59 PM

"Read that one, almost word for word really, in a Student Magazine from about 1980! "
Really ? - my dad told me that when I was at school (he died in 1965)
Funny how they get around !!

Another from him
Two navvies in a pub - one asked the other "How's your digs (accommodation)?"
"Terrible", came the reply, "You can't get a piss in the sink for dirty dishes"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 02:54 PM

Jim, since I know from other threads you like tracing things back to "original versions" (hah!), it may be of interest to know that a variant of that situation occurs at the beginning of the famous Glasgow book, "No Mean City". It's not a joke, either (not many laughs in the Gorbals). A third variant was the way I heard it, a man complaining that his wife was lazy &c.; "and there's always dishes in the sink when I go furra p-sh".

The way that jokes &c. re-appear, often with slight changes, would be an interesting "minor key" accompaniment to discussions about what I've heard called "parallel versions" of songs (whether or no they were noted down by Child or anyone).Good Luck.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 03:55 PM

I remember the book - I read it in my youth (mis-spent youth)
Maybe that's where my dad got it - he was Liverpool Irish but was born in Glasgow - I'm pretty sure he only used razors for shaving though !!
Jim


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