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BS: First Joke Thread for 2019

DMcG 25 Jan 19 - 11:21 AM
Jos 25 Jan 19 - 11:05 AM
Senoufou 25 Jan 19 - 09:33 AM
Jos 25 Jan 19 - 09:04 AM
Senoufou 25 Jan 19 - 08:58 AM
Mrrzy 24 Jan 19 - 09:07 AM
Jim Carroll 24 Jan 19 - 07:46 AM
Georgiansilver 23 Jan 19 - 01:01 PM
Senoufou 21 Jan 19 - 08:31 AM
HuwG 21 Jan 19 - 05:48 AM
Jim Carroll 20 Jan 19 - 07:00 AM
Jim Carroll 19 Jan 19 - 02:29 PM
Jim Carroll 19 Jan 19 - 02:29 PM
Jim Carroll 19 Jan 19 - 01:44 PM
Mr Red 19 Jan 19 - 12:41 PM
G-Force 18 Jan 19 - 01:53 PM
Dave the Gnome 18 Jan 19 - 03:50 AM
Donuel 17 Jan 19 - 04:22 PM
Senoufou 17 Jan 19 - 02:03 PM
gillymor 17 Jan 19 - 01:39 PM
Doug Chadwick 17 Jan 19 - 01:14 PM
Donuel 17 Jan 19 - 11:27 AM
Donuel 17 Jan 19 - 11:20 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 17 Jan 19 - 11:06 AM
Dave the Gnome 17 Jan 19 - 10:14 AM
Dave the Gnome 17 Jan 19 - 10:09 AM
Steve Shaw 17 Jan 19 - 10:03 AM
Steve Shaw 17 Jan 19 - 10:01 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 16 Jan 19 - 06:25 PM
Steve Shaw 15 Jan 19 - 07:45 PM
Georgiansilver 15 Jan 19 - 02:09 PM
Senoufou 15 Jan 19 - 09:53 AM
Senoufou 10 Jan 19 - 06:38 PM
Steve Shaw 10 Jan 19 - 06:33 PM
Doug Chadwick 10 Jan 19 - 06:08 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 09 Jan 19 - 07:12 PM
Tattie Bogle 08 Jan 19 - 07:47 PM
Senoufou 08 Jan 19 - 05:53 PM
Steve Shaw 07 Jan 19 - 07:58 PM
Doug Chadwick 05 Jan 19 - 05:42 AM
Donuel 04 Jan 19 - 11:37 AM
Jim Carroll 04 Jan 19 - 04:38 AM
Steve Shaw 03 Jan 19 - 07:44 PM
Jim Carroll 03 Jan 19 - 10:40 AM
Senoufou 03 Jan 19 - 10:23 AM
Jim Carroll 03 Jan 19 - 10:02 AM
Senoufou 03 Jan 19 - 09:01 AM
Senoufou 03 Jan 19 - 08:55 AM
Jim Carroll 03 Jan 19 - 08:34 AM
Senoufou 03 Jan 19 - 03:47 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: DMcG
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 11:21 AM

Another non-joke but "things children say". We were taking my grandson out as said we were going to a park he had been to before. He said he hadn't because he was three.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 11:05 AM

Apologies, Steve Drew's drawing is 'Pilates of the Caribbean' - maybe it's just a case of two minds thinking [almost] alike.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 09:33 AM

I've just had a look Jos (It was the Daily Mail, but don't tell Steve Shaw, he'll be sick!) It says Odd Streak by Tony Lopes.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 09:04 AM

I've got the Pilates pun and drawing on my Steve Drew calendar - I wonder if two people came up with the same idea, or someone was 'influenced'. (Unless, of course, your cartoon is by Steve Drew.)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 08:58 AM

Hahahaaaaagh Mrrzy!! I like that one!

There's a funny cartoon in the paper this morning.
Some men on board a ship, wearing bandanas and big earrings. They're doing strenuous exercises.
The caption reads, "Pilates of Penzance" !


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Jan 19 - 09:07 AM

Senoufou, you reminded me of an old joke, what goes black&white, black&white, black&white, and then turns purple?

A nun falling down the stairs.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Jan 19 - 07:46 AM

A gambling addict who lost almost all his money on greyhounds decided to take his last few quid and lay them on one big race.
As he made his way to the booth he was accosted by a man who told him of this wonderful dog who was so fast it could out-run everything on the track - he qualified this by explaining one fault - it was used to a clockwise track and this was an anti-clockwise one, "but have no doubt it can overcome this, he's so fast"
Sure enough, the race started and at the first bend, where he was way out in front, the dog turned into the crowd rather than following the track, but immediately spun round and shortly overtook the other dogs - second bend the same, and the third.... right to the end of the race
At he finishing post the dog was a nose behind the winner due to his problem
The punter was in despair as he left the stadium and the tipster caught him up and apologised profusely.
"Not you fault", says the punter, "He's an amazing dog"
"That fault could be curd easily" he added," they could put a small piece of lead in his ear; that'd cure it"
"Wouldn't it fall out" says the tipster?
"Not if the put it in properly - they'd have to use a ****** gun"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jan 19 - 01:01 PM

When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they all laughed at me …Well I am one!!! and they’re not laughing now!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Jan 19 - 08:31 AM

What's square and blue?
A banana in disguise.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: HuwG
Date: 21 Jan 19 - 05:48 AM

Last Valentine's Day, I was driving home and suddenly remembered I hadn't bought my girlfriend any flowers. So I dived into the nearest garage, grabbed a bunch and tried to buy them. Arrgh! the card reader was out of order, and I had hardly any cash on me. I suggested to the assistant that I take the flowers, leaving my spare tyre as collateral, and sort matters out the next day.

It's been a Goodyear for the roses.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 Jan 19 - 07:00 AM

On a similar theme   
A down at heel travelling circus had one big attractions – a magnificent Mountain Gorilla who roared, thumped its chest and swung about the cage with such power, energy and charisma that people came for miles to see it strut its stuff
One morning its owner went to feed the beast and he saw it hunched down in the corner of its cage on its haunches, looking very miserable and lifeless
They tried everything to revive it – nothing worked – so they finally called in the vet who, after careful examination, declared that it desperately needed companionship, preferably of the opposite sex
Way out in the sticks, they couldn’t imaging where they should get such a companion so finally, they visited a theatrical costumiers in the nearby town, acquired a Gorilla costume and advertised locally for a volunteer to put it on and climb into the cage with the suffering animal
Eventually someone applied, but demanded a very high fee and a guarantee that he wouldn’t be hurt
A fee was agreed and he was assured that skilled staff would be on hand with nets and poles, should anything go amiss
The man climbed into the cage and sat quietly in the centre – the gorilla edged over, sniffed, shambled around, prodded curiously and slipped its arm over the man’s shoulders
Eventually, it began to stroke and fondle the man passionately and it became very, very obvious that it wished to the relationship to the next stage
The man leap up and began to shout “Take it off, take it off”
The observers standing by rushed into the cage and began to force the animal into the corner
The man said, “No, no, I meant take off the suit; I want to kiss it”
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Jan 19 - 02:29 PM

A travelling circus moving around The West Country stopped in Exeter - they hadn't set up their equipment when the lion tamer fell ill and was rushed to hospital
In a panic, they advertised in the local shop windows for a replacement and shortly an out-of-work farm labourer applied for the job, explaining he had never done this work before
"No problem" says the boss, "we'll train you - it shouldn't take long"
They showed him how to use the whip and cape and taught him the commands, without the lion of course, till they finally decided he was ready
Nervously, the man prepared to go into the cage and timorously asked, "what if he doesn't obey and goes for me?"
"In that case" he is told, "you slowly back towards the gate, speaking calmly to him and, when you reach the gate you drop the whip and cape, point straight at him and command himn to stop - that should give you enough time to open the gate and escape"
"but what if he still keeps coming at me?"
"In that case, you reach behind you, pick up a lump of shit, and throw it at him, aiming straight between the eyes"
"But what if there's no shit?" he asks.
"Oh, there will be"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Jan 19 - 02:29 PM

A travelling circus moving around The West Country stopped in Exeter - they hadn't set up their equipment when the lion tamer fell ill and was rushed to hospital
In a panic, they advertised in the local shop windows for a replacement and shortly an out-of-work farm labourer applied for the job, explaining he had never done this work before
"No problem" says the boss, "we'll train you - it shouldn't take long"
They showed him how to use the whip and cape and taught him the commands, without the lion of course, till they finally decided he was ready
Nervously, the man prepared to go into the cage and timorously asked, "what if he doesn't obey and goes for me?"
"In that case" he is told, "you slowly back towards the gate, speaking calmly to him and, when you reach the gate you drop the whip and cape, point straight at him and command himn to stop - that should give you enough time to open the gate and escape"
"but what if he still keeps coming at me?"
"In that case, you reach behind you, pick up a lump of shit, and throw it at him, aiming straight between the eyes"
"But what if there's no shit?" he asks.
"Oh, there will be"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Jan 19 - 01:44 PM

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of Guinness, takes a swig, spits it out and empties it on the floor and says "piss"- he then spins on his heel and storms out
The next night he does the same, orders a Guinness, takes a swig, spits, empties o the floor, says "piss" and storms out
The third night the same man walks into the same bar
The barman, spotting him, says "piss off"
"In that case pull me a pint of bitter"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Jan 19 - 12:41 PM

An in the UK you can get it over the counter now.




If you buy enough......


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: G-Force
Date: 18 Jan 19 - 01:53 PM

I like the advert for viagra: it might not make you James Bond, but it'll make you Roger Moore.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Jan 19 - 03:50 AM

Two old chaps on the tube.

"Is this Wembley?"
"No it's Thursday."
"So am I. Lets get off and have a drink."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 04:22 PM

Old lady to her friend, "Relax Helen ol Dougie did not whistle at you,
he's wheezing."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 02:03 PM

'My girlfriend's dog died, and to cheer her up I got her another, identical one. She was furious. She said, "What am I going to do with TWO dead dogs?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 01:39 PM

It got so cold in Maine last week that the nudist camp put out a sign, “We are open but we are clothed.”


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 01:14 PM

Why interrupt a perfectcly good joke thread, Donuel, with unfunny political comment?

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 11:27 AM

"Republicans don't want to keep the government shut down, they want to end this stalemate and get back to the important work of crippling the government, courts and FBI."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 11:20 AM

"We are going into month two of the government shutdown. I miss the good old days when at least we were governed by a mad English king"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 11:06 AM

Same joke, different setting:

The famous Viking explorer, Erik the Red, had a cousin named Rudolf the Red. Rudolf often sailed on voyages with Erik, serving as lookout.

On a voyage carrying settlers from Norway to Greenland, a mass of thunderclouds built up on the horizon and it looked like the longship was going to sail directly into them unless they changed course. Erik was about to instruct the helmsman to steer to the south when Rudolf pulled Erik aside and told him not to worry, that the rain would fall a bit to the north of their present course. So, the ship maintained course and, sure enough, the storm moved to the north, leaving them totally unscathed.

After the seeming narrow escape, a female settler approached Erik and asked how he knew the storm would narrowly miss them. "Well," replied Erik, "it was actually my cousin Rudolf who made the call. I always take his advice in such matters because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 10:14 AM

Rudolph Popov, weather forecaster for State TV in communist USSR was always accurate with his wet weather forecasts. After all, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 10:09 AM

Did I tell you the deja vu joke before?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 10:03 AM

Blimey, even though I thought that was funny I'm still in the wrong thread! :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 10:01 AM

Rudolph can't have been Christian. He was a communist, Rudolph the Red. Tsk.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Jan 19 - 06:25 PM

Why is a divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Jan 19 - 07:45 PM

Went to see Stan & Ollie tonight at the flicks. There were plenty of gentle gags, but I liked this one near the beginning, when Stan and Ollie were bemoaning their respective divorce experiences with regard to the amount of dough they'd had to pay out. Stan sez to Ollie, "I'm not getting married any more. I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just buy her a house."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Jan 19 - 02:09 PM

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 15 Jan 19 - 09:53 AM

Not a joke as such, but this morning I saw that there was a day this week when lots of people went on the Tube (London Underground) with no trousers on!! It's called 'No Trousers Tube Ride' and it's now an annual event in early January.

Men and women wore only their underpants on their lower half, and ordinary clothes on the top. Nothing rude showing, but lots of photos on the internet of carriages with bare legs everywhere, and people's expressions perfectly normal and detached. So British!

I laughed and laughed - I've never seen anything so funny and quirky. Shades of Monty Python.
Just what's needed to brighten up the miserable, dreary January days!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 10 Jan 19 - 06:38 PM

Hahahaaaaaagh! These jokes are all excellent!:)

Q. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
A. I'll tell you later.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Jan 19 - 06:33 PM

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 10 Jan 19 - 06:08 PM

A resident of a retirement home, bored with the quiet life and looking for a little excitment, decided to do a streak around the garden. She stripped off and headed off at a run across the lawn, waving her hands in the air and sqeauling with glee. Two gentlemen sitting on the veranda looked up from their newspapers as they heard the noise.
"Good Heavens" said the first. "Wasn't that Marjory Pensworth?"
"Yes, I believe it was" said the second.
"What on Earth was she wearing?"asked the first.
Back came the reply "I don't know but whatever it was, it needed ironing".

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 09 Jan 19 - 07:12 PM

A woman visited her doctor for a minor ailment and, while there, expressed concern about her husband's recent behavior. It seemed that when he got the urge for a snack, instead of cookies, ice cream, or whatever, he would eat three or four dog biscuits. The doctor said that, while such behavior was unusual, it probably didn't pose any real health risks since pet products are inspected. As long as he was happy eating dog biscuits, there shouldn't be any need for concern.

About six months later, the woman returned to the same doctor for another minor problem. After the visit, the doctor asked how her husband was doing.

"Oh." said the woman, "He died a couple of months ago."

"Oh no!" exclaimed the doc, "It wasn't from eating dog biscuits was it?"

"No." replied the woman, "He was just sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car ran over him."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 08 Jan 19 - 07:47 PM

Cracker jokes are usually rubbish or total groan, but this one made me and a lady in a care home laugh (we'd gone to play them some jolly pre-Christmas music!)
"What did Cinderella say when her photos didn't come back?"
"Some day my prints will come".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Jan 19 - 05:53 PM

Aaaagh! That could be describing me Steve!!

This isn't a joke, but a 'things children say' which I saw in the paper:-

A lady took her three year-old grandson for some lunch in a cafe. The waitress called out her order to the cook, "One bacon and egg, and one baked bean on toast." The child shouted, " But Nanny, I want a LOT of baked beans, not just one!"
This made me smile :)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jan 19 - 07:58 PM

A middle-aged woman has just got out of the shower and is looking at herself naked in the full-length bedroom mirror.

"Oh my God!" she laments to her husband. "Just look at me! Sagging tits, bum like a burst bag of broad beans, bat's wings, crow's feet, everything wrinkled...I'm a total wreck! For God's sake say something good about me and cheer me up!"

"Sure!" says he. "You have perfect eyesight..."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 05 Jan 19 - 05:42 AM

After overeating very rich food during the Christmas period, a woman is suffering with severe flatulence. She goes to the doctor's and tells him "I can't stop farting Doctor ...bbrrrpp... It's not really smelly but ...bbrrrpp...the noise is really embarrassing".
"I see" said the doctor. "I'll give you a prescription for some tablets. Take one a day and come back and see me in two weeks".

When she goes back, she tells him "Those tablets made it worse. I'm still farting as much but now they absolutely stink".
"Good!" says the doc. "Now your sense of smell has been sorted out, we can work on the flatulence".

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 19 - 11:37 AM

I hate false advertising that wastes my time. Youv'e seen those Suicide Help Hotlines. They won't help you do it.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Jan 19 - 04:38 AM

Tommy Cooper again
A man called on his mate to see if he was going for a pint - his mates wife said, Frank died of a heart attack last night
The caller paused a few seconds and said, "Did he say anything about a tin of paint?"

Did you know Beethoven was so deaf the thought he was a painter?
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 07:44 PM

From that spam telephone thread:

Tommy Cooper said that he rang someone up and said "Who's speaking, please?" A voice said to him "You are." :-)

Another of his: "I went to the ticket office at the station and said, can I have a return, please? The chap said, where to? I said, Here."

Another: "I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 10:40 AM

A seminarian about to become a full pries is walking through the seminary grounds when he comes to a stile, slips and falls face down in the mud
He looks at he mud covered clothes and says "Oh shit"
He slaps his hands to his mouth and says, "Fuck, I said shit"
He thinks about whe he has said and says, "shit, I said fuck"
Then he turns round and walks away in disgust saying "Ah bollocks, I didn't want to be a priest anyway"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 10:23 AM

Bleur yuk Jim!!!! Heh heh :)

That sounds like Kevin Bloody Wilson, the Australian comedian/singer. He sings 'Manuel the Bandito' and it's much the same story. (On Youtube)

My all-time favourite of his is 'Santa Claus you c***!!! Where's me f****** bike?' Very crude but makes me scream.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 10:02 AM

A Stranger sitting in a Mexican cantina overhears two farmers discussing the recent outbreak of banditry in the area at the next table.
Suddenly one of the men asks him, "Have you ever heard of Pedro the Bandit, stranger?"
"Have I heard of Pedro the bandit? he replies, last week I was riding in the mountains when suddenly a masked stranger jumps out in front of me holding two guns.
"Put up your hands", he says - he has two guns, I have none, I put up my hands
"Now, give me all your money" he says, what choice do I have, I give him all my money.
"Now drop your trousers" he says, I don't hesitate, I drop my trousers.
"Now shit" he says, he doesn't have to tell me twice, I'm halfway there already
"Now eat it" - I don;'t think twice, I eat it.
Suddenly the masked man drops his guard, so I grab his gun and point it at him
"Put up your hands", I say - what choice does he have - he puts up his hands
"Now give me all your money" - like a shot he gives me all his money
"Now drop your trousers" - he obeys instantly and drops his trousers.
"Now shit" I say, I don't have top tell him, he has already done so
"Now eat it" he eats it as if he hadn't had a square meal for a week.

Do I know Pedro the Bandit? - didn't I have lunch with him only last week
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 09:01 AM

Here's another rude joke from Mock The Week:

Things not heard on TV adverts:
"Tesco penis extensions. 'Cos every little helps."
and:
"Four hoof-marks and a pile of poo. It's the sign of the Black Horse..."
"Is your lovely cat annoying you by being too affectionate? Have a break, have a shit cat."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 08:55 AM

We are very lucky indeed Jim. Been in Norfolk for over forty years now, and I do realise it's not like other more urban areas, where racism and bigotry may be found. It's a little bubble of happiness here!
Our neighbours truly love my husband and don't patronise him. They have that dry Norfolk humour which outsiders might find a bit odd. He and they can laugh together, and he can imitate the Norfolk accent, which makes them die.
There is a very fine line between humour and nastiness, and I can see that being PC is an honest attempt to minimise the latter.
It's just that I come from a past generation when the world was a very different place!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 08:34 AM

A joke from wartime Liverpool
During World War two, two friends ran a chip-shop on Lime Street, which was a notorious red-light district.
Due to wartime conditions, potatoes were hard to come by and expensive and fish was virtually ungettable because of U-Boat activity in the North Sea, so trade dwindled to almost nothing
On night wile closing up one of the friends said to his mate; "I think we have to rethink how we are going about things; maybe we should close this down and open a brothel"
"Don't be daft", says his mate, "if we can't sell fish and chips, we're never going to be able to sell soup"
   
Sen;
Again, at the risk of spoiling a highly-enjoyable thread, can I say that you are among the lucky ones and I wish you every success in that.
I lived in areas where foreigners were not so lucky and where personal abuse, vandalism and even physical attacks were commonplace - I knew several friends who were victims
Personally, I would rather err on the side of PC than stay silent when racism and sexism in the form of humour raises their ugly heads   
They may appear harmless, but they tend to make acceptable abuse that can and often is both hurtful and harmful
Sorry 'bout that
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 03:47 AM

Hahahahaaaagh Joe F!! That could so easily apply to us! :)

These jokes are making a dull, dark January much brighter.


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