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BS: First Joke Thread for 2019

Mr Red 01 Mar 19 - 03:15 AM
Steve Shaw 28 Feb 19 - 08:04 PM
Mrrzy 22 Feb 19 - 08:55 AM
Jim Carroll 19 Feb 19 - 09:20 AM
Steve Shaw 19 Feb 19 - 07:47 AM
Jim Carroll 19 Feb 19 - 06:01 AM
Georgiansilver 19 Feb 19 - 05:44 AM
Tradsinger 17 Feb 19 - 05:05 PM
Doug Chadwick 17 Feb 19 - 06:08 AM
Joe_F 15 Feb 19 - 05:52 PM
Steve Shaw 14 Feb 19 - 06:28 PM
Doug Chadwick 14 Feb 19 - 05:58 PM
MudGuard 13 Feb 19 - 02:55 PM
Jim Carroll 12 Feb 19 - 09:39 AM
Roger the Skiffler 12 Feb 19 - 08:55 AM
Mrrzy 12 Feb 19 - 08:37 AM
Jim Carroll 11 Feb 19 - 06:57 AM
Georgiansilver 10 Feb 19 - 04:41 PM
Doug Chadwick 10 Feb 19 - 12:12 PM
Mr Red 10 Feb 19 - 04:19 AM
MudGuard 08 Feb 19 - 01:25 PM
Roger the Skiffler 08 Feb 19 - 05:32 AM
Mrrzy 07 Feb 19 - 06:38 AM
Mr Red 07 Feb 19 - 04:04 AM
BobL 07 Feb 19 - 03:42 AM
Senoufou 06 Feb 19 - 03:38 PM
MudGuard 06 Feb 19 - 03:10 PM
Mrrzy 06 Feb 19 - 11:14 AM
Senoufou 06 Feb 19 - 10:14 AM
Georgiansilver 06 Feb 19 - 10:01 AM
Steve Shaw 06 Feb 19 - 09:53 AM
Donuel 06 Feb 19 - 05:11 AM
Michael 03 Feb 19 - 03:45 PM
Steve Shaw 03 Feb 19 - 03:22 PM
Georgiansilver 01 Feb 19 - 02:13 PM
Jim Carroll 01 Feb 19 - 03:39 AM
Steve Shaw 31 Jan 19 - 11:22 AM
Jim Carroll 31 Jan 19 - 03:48 AM
Joe_F 30 Jan 19 - 06:08 PM
Donuel 30 Jan 19 - 03:43 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 30 Jan 19 - 03:37 PM
Jim Carroll 30 Jan 19 - 03:07 AM
Jim Carroll 29 Jan 19 - 07:02 AM
Donuel 28 Jan 19 - 12:04 PM
Steve Shaw 27 Jan 19 - 01:28 PM
Donuel 27 Jan 19 - 12:15 PM
Donuel 27 Jan 19 - 10:11 AM
Senoufou 26 Jan 19 - 03:15 PM
Mrrzy 26 Jan 19 - 02:56 PM
Jim Carroll 25 Jan 19 - 12:11 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Mar 19 - 03:15 AM

Septimus Glutinus Maximus (Gladiator) Strolls into a bar in downtown Herculaneum

"I'll have a Martinus, barman"

"Don't you mean a Martini?"

"If I'd wanted a double, I would have asked for one"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Feb 19 - 08:04 PM

We were on the Big Dipper at Blackpool Pleasure Beach when my girlfriend broke up with me. I was devastated. It was an emotional roller coaster.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Feb 19 - 08:55 AM

Movie critic: performances in this film were uniformly outstanding! I had to turn off the tube and cogitate.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 09:20 AM

The teacher comes into class one morning to find someone has left a steaming turd in the middle of his desk
He demands to know who has left in there, nobody owns up
He threatens to keep the entire class in after school until somebody confess , still nobody confesses
At his wits end, he tells the class, "Right, what I'll do, I'll draw the blings, leave the room and stay out for five minutes and will forget all this happened if someone just removes it.
He turns to find another turd next to the turd and a message scrawled on the blackboard, "The phantom arsehole strikes again".   
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 07:47 AM

I knew one teacher who, when telling a kid off, would roar in his face " Don't you DARE open your mouth when you're talking to ME, boy!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 06:01 AM

A teacher in Liverpool once asked be as I was approaching school leaving age - "What do you want to bee or a wasp?"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 05:44 AM

Bought a brand new 50 inch television today. It was reduced to only £200 but the volume button wonít work and itís stuck on high. At that price how could anyone turn it down.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Tradsinger
Date: 17 Feb 19 - 05:05 PM

Two vicars were talking. One says "I think all this premarital sex is disgusting. I never made love to my wife before we were married, did you?" The other vicar replies "I'm not sure. What was her name?"

Man walks into a bar - orders 3 pints and a double whisky and says to the barman "I shouldn't really be drinking all this with what I've got." The barman asks "Why, what have you got?" The man says "25p".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Feb 19 - 06:08 AM

A man comes home late one evening and says to his wife "Cancel the milk. I've just heard from some blokes in the pub that our milkman has a terrible reputation. When the men are out at work, he visits the houses on his round and plays fast and loose with their wives. Apparently, he's been boasting that he's had every woman in our street except one".

"Really?" said his wife. "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Mrs Jones from number 15".

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Feb 19 - 05:52 PM

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing their, you don't appreciate the gravity of the situation.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Feb 19 - 06:28 PM

The new local cinematorium
Is not only a super sensorium.
But a highly effectual,
Heterosexual,
Mutual masturbatorium.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 14 Feb 19 - 05:58 PM

Does a drive-in cinema have wall-to-wall car petting?

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Feb 19 - 02:55 PM

A mathematician is offered a choice by a fairy:
he may either get a bacon-lettuce-tomato-sandwich, or everlasting happiness.

What does he choose?

Obviously, he takes the sandwich!


Why?










.



.



.




.




.




.





Because:

nothing is better than everlasting happiness,
and one BLT-Sandwich is better than nothing ...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 12 Feb 19 - 09:39 AM

"Camels"
During WW2 a Tommy was loaned a camel by an Arab driver to help him carry out his duties
He was unable to get the beast to move so he sought assiatance from his benefactor
He was told, "You get behind the beast with two stones in your hands - you'll find its balls protrude behind it so you take the stones and slap them together catching the balls between them"
The soldier winced and asked; "doesn't that hurt?"
"Not if you don't trap your fingers, it doesn't".
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 12 Feb 19 - 08:55 AM

Gag recycled from sax player Alan Barnes:
If it wasn't for pickpockets I wouldn't have a sex life.
RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Feb 19 - 08:37 AM

There is a version of that with camels, where he was supposed to ride it to town to the whorehouse...!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 11 Feb 19 - 06:57 AM

A young feller starts work on a sheep farm in the Outback - after the first few weeks be begins to feel the lack of female company
On enquiring he is told be his workmates, "There's always the sheep"
He protests, outraged and is told, "We all do it"
Eventually he comes around to the idea, climbs into the pen, selects a ewe and starts giving it the business
He looks up to see all his mates standing around the fence splitting the guts laughing.
"What are you laughing at - you said you all do it?"
"We do, but did you have to pick the ugliest one?"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 04:41 PM

On the subject of dentists. I need to see mine this week... I hate seeing her... she always looks down in the mouth!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 12:12 PM

Some recently deceased people were queuing at the gates of Heaven to get in. St Peter said to the first man "All you thought about in your time on Earth was money, money, money. Even your wife's name was Penny. I'm sorry, you can't come in. You'll have to go to the other place.

As the second man stepped forward, St Peter said "I'm afraid you succumbed to the demon drink. You were never sober. You even married a girl called Sherry. Go to Hell!"

A couple standing at the back of the queue overheard the conversations. The husband turned to his wife and said " Come on Fanny, we're not hanging round here to be insulted".

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 04:19 AM

if one cylinder went sick it would sound like a batattery!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard
Date: 08 Feb 19 - 01:25 PM

What's a "tery", Robin should have asked, as it wasn't the "batattery".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 08 Feb 19 - 05:32 AM

Batman and Robin left the Batcave for the Batgarage to go to the Batshops. The Batmobile wouldn't start, so Batman looked under the Bathood. "It's the battery, Robin" said Batman. "What's an Attery?" asked Robin.
RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Feb 19 - 06:38 AM

Ha ha! Ok, how do lawyers sleep? Well, first they lie on one side, then they lie on the other...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Feb 19 - 04:04 AM

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30.


A local dentist that put on a few ceilidhs told me when they installed a new alarm system the release code number was - you guessed it.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: BobL
Date: 07 Feb 19 - 03:42 AM

I'm reminded that many years ago the Good Beer Guide reviewed some TV ads by brewers, one of which featured astronauts on the Moon. Their comment:
"It's bleak, it's barren and there's no atmosphere. Yes, it's a Watney's pub."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 03:38 PM

Haha MudGuard, that's true!

Mrrzy, that sounds like a Chinaman needing the dentist :)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 03:10 PM

Senoufou, shouldn't that - regarding moon's weak gravity - be

"Light food. No atmosphere."?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 11:14 AM

While we are in the recycling bin...

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30.

[Say it slowly...]


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 10:14 AM

(This is an old one)

Review of a restaurant on the moon:
'Great food. No atmosphere.'


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 10:01 AM

A warning to all in our area folks. Be careful about drink driving as police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went on to wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from !!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 09:53 AM

Dry ice doesn't melt. Duh.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 05:11 AM

If I melted dry ice in an empty pool could I go swimming without getting wet?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Michael
Date: 03 Feb 19 - 03:45 PM

"Saw the doctor this morning." "Oh, what did he say?" "Nothing he didn't see me, I was hiding."

Monty Python


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 19 - 03:22 PM

Went to the doctor's this morning. What's up with me, doc? I asked. You've got hypochondria, he said. I'm not surprised, I said, I've had everything else...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Feb 19 - 02:13 PM

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We havenít met yet!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 Feb 19 - 03:39 AM

A mouse was crossing Lime Street in the days when it was at its height as Liverpool's red-light district.
As it crossed the tramlines it mis-timed it and its tail was cut off by the front wheels of a passing tram
It turned around to rescue the tail, thinking it could be sewn back on, when the back wheels cut it's head off cleanly
Moral of the story:
Never lose your head when you're looking for your tail in Lime Street
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Jan 19 - 11:22 AM

Hear about the chap with five willies?

His underpants fit him like a glove...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Jan 19 - 03:48 AM

"The man looked at her and said, "Paint my house.""
A wealthy man came out of his front door to find the painter he had hired had painted his expensive classic car with weatherproof paint
He spun on him and snapped, I said paint the porch, you feckin' eejit"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Jan 19 - 06:08 PM

Patient: "My friends made this appointment. They said I need help because I like pancakes."
Psychiatrist: "Really! There's nothing wrong with liking pancakes. I like pancakes myself."
"Do you? You must come up to my apartment sometime. I have a whole trunk full."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jan 19 - 03:43 PM

I asked some guys drinking beer why they like beer so much.
An English guy said because beer makes me a jolly good fellow.
The American said I like em when they are cold and tall.
A weaving guy said, cuz I'm good at it, thats all.
A Republican said, I like beer like my women, on the edge of unconsciousness.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 Jan 19 - 03:37 PM

A young woman, obviously a member of the of the oldest profession, took a seat on a stool beside a man at a bar, leaned over and whispered in his ear, "If you can say it in three words, I'll do it for a hundred dollars."

The man looked at her and said, "Paint my house."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Jan 19 - 03:07 AM

Was going to put this up on 'A Cautionary Tale' but probably bad taste

Presidentof Ireland, Eamon DeValera was visiting a mental institution when he was intoduced to a timid-looking man sitting alone gazing out of the window
They became engaged in deep conversation and the man began to explain how it was all a dreadful mistake for him to be incarcerated in the institution as there was nothing wrong with his mental health
After half-an-hour he managed to persuade Dev of his case - the President promised solemnly that he would look into the matter as soon as possible
When he turned to go the man picked up his chair, smashed it over Dev's head and said, "Don't forget your promise now, will you?"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Jan 19 - 07:02 AM

Visual joke
Just after WW2 a man walked into a pub like this (right hand pulled up into sleeve)
The barman said - "where did you get that ?"
"Dunkirk", came the reply
The barman pulled hi a free pint
Shortly after, a man walked in like this (left hand pulled into sleeve)
The barman asked him "Where did you get that"
"Anzio" came the reply
Another free pint
An hour late yet another man came in like this (both hands pulled into sleeves)
"Where did you get that?" asks the barman
"Burton's - it's ****** going back in the morning"   
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 19 - 12:04 PM

"I'm glad to hear it."
Shauden Freuda


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 19 - 01:28 PM

I've just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what: never again...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Jan 19 - 12:15 PM

I caught a bad case of HDADD. I don't pay attention but when I do the detail is amazing. I saw for the first time the Earth is bi-polar.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Jan 19 - 10:11 AM

I woke up in the hospital and police said they had investigated my incident. They thought the other driver had a speed reading related text accident.

I'm getting more into astronomy so I installed a sky light.
My upstairs neighbors were furious.

I got an answering machine so I programed it with a recording of a busy signal.

I lost a button hole?!

I parked my car in a tow away Zone at Twillight. When I came back the whole area was gone.

I have a switch that doesn't turn on lights or anything so I switch it back and forth to keep checking it. A woman from Sussex emailed me "cut it out!".

I've written several children's books but not on purpose. They were supposed to be Cosmology.

The FBI are investigating me because I emailed Roger Stone, Manifort and Robert Durst back in 2016. Now I'm the only one not in jail.

I saw a beautiful woman in Walmart so I chatted, "would you like to have a coffee with me". She said "I only go out with Jewish cowboys". I said its nice to meet you, my name is Bucky Goldstein.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 26 Jan 19 - 03:15 PM

Another 'things children say' account by a real-life grandmother (letter in the paper):-

Granny had taken her little grandson out for tea and it was time to take him home. He didn't want to go home yet and kept trying to delay things.
They passed a building with a sign outside, and he piped up,
"Oh look Granny, ice creams! Can we stop there?"
"No dear, it's not an ice-cream shop, it's a care home for very old people."
"Well, we could go in and look at them couldn't we?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jan 19 - 02:56 PM

What is black&white & red all over and can't turn around in the elevator?

A nun with a spear through her head.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 12:11 PM

Children's story

An extremely vexatious child refused to eat its meal, dismissing all the different dishes put before him
In despair, the mother finally demanded of the little horror, "Well, what DO you want ?"
"Worms" came the snapped reply.
His mother protested, but at last gave in, went into the garden and returned with a bowl-ful of worms which she carefully washed under the tap and finally set them before the fractious little brat,
He stared at them and demanded "Want them warmed up"
Reluctantly she obliged and placed them in warm water and gently heated them, finally placing them before him"
"Want some custard on them" he grunted; again she obliged and once more set the worms before him
"You taste them first", he demanded, the harassed mother protested that she would do no such thing until, once again, she finally gave in, screwed up her face, took a spoonful of worms and shoveled them down
The child let out a loud scream and burst into floods of tears.
At her wit's end, the poor mother demanded "I've given you everything you asked for, what's the matter now?"
"You've eaten the bit I wanted", the child howled in reply
Jim


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