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BS: Rap for emperor

Bee-dubya-ell 11 Feb 20 - 07:11 PM
JennieG 11 Feb 20 - 10:53 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 Feb 20 - 11:47 PM
JennieG 12 Feb 20 - 05:55 AM
Rapparee 20 Mar 20 - 05:13 PM
JennieG 20 Mar 20 - 07:16 PM
Ed T 20 Mar 20 - 10:27 PM
Severn 20 Mar 20 - 10:56 PM
keberoxu 23 Mar 20 - 03:50 PM
keberoxu 18 Apr 20 - 07:29 PM
Rapparee 18 Apr 20 - 09:55 PM
JennieG 18 Apr 20 - 10:46 PM
Rapparee 20 Apr 20 - 09:15 PM
keberoxu 13 May 20 - 09:42 AM
Severn 13 May 20 - 11:32 AM
Donuel 13 May 20 - 05:25 PM
beardedbruce 13 May 20 - 06:48 PM
Rapparee 13 May 20 - 09:52 PM
keberoxu 23 May 20 - 03:20 PM
Rapparee 24 May 20 - 10:08 PM
JennieG 25 May 20 - 02:04 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Feb 20 - 07:11 PM

Gold, frankincense, and myrrh? Perhaps The Emperor has me confused with the Imperial Lickspittle.

Bestowing of gifts is not in the Imperial Ignoramus's job description. In fact, it's expressly prohibited under terms of the agreement between The United Brotherhood of Ignoramuses' and The Coalition of Faux Empires, Fictitious Dictatorships, and Make-Believe Banana Republics.

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus Etc.
His Mark <ˇ!>


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 11 Feb 20 - 10:53 PM

Right-o, Sire. Consider it done. It won't be difficult to find fresh water as our daily storm is about to arrive, thunder is rumbling around as we speak.

Those long-term prisoners are overcome with gratitude at Your Most Gracious Majesty's munificence, so much so that they are reluctant to leave. However space considerations demand that they do so, in other words, it's getting a bit crowded in here.

What is myrrh anyway?

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Feb 20 - 11:47 PM

Imperial Torturer, myrrh is something that makes groups of people merrier: "The myrrh the merrier!"

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus Etc.
His Mark <ˇ!>


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 12 Feb 20 - 05:55 AM

Of course it is!

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 05:13 PM

My People!

We have been busy and have neglected Our subjects but not Our duties. Because of the Deathly Danger we face together We are reducing the weekly tax by 0.04% and shall be giving each of you, Our loyal subjects, a quarter-groat to spend in any manner you like. For economic reasons We can change neither the quarter-groat sales tax nor the one groat general product tax, but We know that you willingly pay these to maintain the Imperial Empire.

Should you, in your perambulations, come across an unfortunate who has surrendered to the Deathly Danger, please send word to the Imperial Gravediggers Guild and the matter will be dealt with on the spot.

Know that your Emperor suffers with you and that We hve sequestered Ourself and the Princess Patricia in Our humble lodge in the mountains. Please do not attempt to see Us and know that We are doing as well as possible on Our Imperial Physician's ordered diet of steak, lobster, truffles, chocolate, and other simple foods. We would not with to spread whatever We might have.

We think of you all the time.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex         ®       His mark


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 07:16 PM

Ah......but do you and Her Most Serene Highness The Princess Patricia have enough toilet paper to see you through the crisis?

The inmates are running out of supplies of this necessary commodity so as Imperial Torturer I have sent out an edict on your behalf, Oh Great One, that all toilet paper will henceforth for the foreseeable future be washed for re-use.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Ed T
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 10:27 PM

Help, Emperor,
I don't know what to do. I just ran out of Toilet paper at a bad time.
The only paper product option that see is coffee filters. Should I use them?   If not, should I hide my underwear"


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Subject: RE: BS: Wipe 'fore you empty 'er
From: Severn
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 10:56 PM

Shouldn't it be classified as commode-ities?

Ed T.If you find yourself wiped out and have to use coffee filters, the courts of the Emperor, which because of their own shortages are at least a court low, cannot convict you of anything because of insufficient grounds.....

If they test your used filters, they will not be able to taste any difference between them and the coffee served in the Imperial Prisons.


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Mar 20 - 03:50 PM

No, better not to spread around the lobsters and the chocolate ...


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Apr 20 - 07:29 PM

The latest report from the mountains, if true,
gives the word 'thumbscrew' an entirely new meaning.


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 20 - 09:55 PM

Yes, We have had Our Imperial Left Metacarpophalangeal Joint fused due to pain. Our Imperial Hand Surgeon discovered that the reason We were experiencing pain was because We no longer had any cartilage to cushion the movement of Our joint. We were first in a splint and now We have a scarlet-and-black cast, which must remain in place for three and a half more weeks.

Should the Imperial Torturer need new ideas We have some.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex            ®       His Mark


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 18 Apr 20 - 10:46 PM

Good to hear your recovery is ongoing, Oh Great One!

New ideas for torture are always welcome. Things in the dungeon are becoming slightly more dire than before; the toilet paper has now been washed several times and is, I fear, disintegrating.......as are the bums of the inmates. I have sent a few trusties out in the bush to gather suitable leaves for the purpose. Some leaves can be used as a substitute for sandpaper, so they should withstand a certain amount of use.

The quarters of your Imperial Torturer and Spouse are, however, comfortable and cosy, and lack for very little in the way of needs. The biggest hurdle is a certain amount of boredom from isolation, but we do venture forth occasionally for food and medications. The weekly drug run is now the social highlight of our lives.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Apr 20 - 09:15 PM

My subjects! At great expense to the Imperial Treasury We have procured for you a lotion that will PREVENT you from catching the filthy coronavirus from others! Regularly applied you WILL NOT catch it from others, so you can go about your mundane tasks as usual! This miraculous lotion is called by the alchemists 1-Butanethiol, and We suggest that you visit your local chemist's shop or apothecary and get some. Yes, it comes from Our Imperial Medical Magazine of Supplies, so you can be certain of its quality and strength.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®          His Mark


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 13 May 20 - 09:42 AM

The scarlet and black cast protecting the recovering hand is to come off today.


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap the emperical
From: Severn
Date: 13 May 20 - 11:32 AM

Cast aside?

How do you apply this lotion and how many times a day and where? Does it last long enough to see us through our Tuesdane through Sundane tasks as well? Is it flammable or merely flim-flammable like some of your previous recommendations? Is it sugar or alcohol free and certified organic? Would Trump recommend injecting it? Would mould you recommend injecting into Trump? What are the known side effects?

Doc Savage,
Man of Bronze & Brainze


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 13 May 20 - 05:25 PM

It probably won't matter Severn. I tried to buy some and it costs over $30,000. On the back of the lotion there are ads for mortgage companies.


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: beardedbruce
Date: 13 May 20 - 06:48 PM

Sorry,

Price is $101.00 a liter


Mudcat members are encouraged to buy all they want

https://www.sigmaaldrich.com/catalog/product/aldrich/112925?lang=en®ion=US


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 May 20 - 09:52 PM

Then, as Bearded Bruce obviously knows, it will certainly prevent others from coming close enough to you to transmit any disease. We are pleased with this disclosure and herewith name Bearded Bruce to the position of Imperial Alchymist, and his Mark shall be ?. Let no one other than the Imperial Alchymist use it at their peril!

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex            ®          His Mark


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 May 20 - 03:20 PM

Did Your Rapturous Rexness keep the cast as a trophy
once it came off?


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 May 20 - 10:08 PM

We have sent it to the Imperial Torturer for her use.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex       ®      His Mark


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Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 25 May 20 - 02:04 AM

For which we are most grateful, Sire! It makes a very handy device for whacking the noggins of the odd (and some of them are very odd, believe me) recalcitrant.

This morning's heavy fog led to a few cases of mistaken identity - ufortunately, one of the staff was whacked in error. We are, however, told he will recover and should be back on the job, none the worse for wear, within a month or two and the dent in his head should close over time.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)


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Mudcat time: 5 August 10:13 PM EDT

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