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BS: First Joke Thread of 2016

Georgiansilver 29 Dec 16 - 05:24 AM
Donuel 28 Dec 16 - 10:26 PM
Mrrzy 23 Dec 16 - 09:26 AM
Jim Carroll 22 Dec 16 - 12:33 PM
Steve Shaw 21 Dec 16 - 09:10 PM
Mrrzy 13 Dec 16 - 04:51 PM
Mrrzy 08 Dec 16 - 11:50 AM
Mrrzy 07 Dec 16 - 02:15 PM
Georgiansilver 30 Nov 16 - 06:33 AM
Jim Carroll 29 Nov 16 - 07:23 PM
Mrrzy 16 Nov 16 - 05:08 PM
Mrrzy 26 Oct 16 - 12:37 AM
Peter the Squeezer 24 Oct 16 - 02:08 PM
Mrrzy 23 Oct 16 - 07:34 PM
Georgiansilver 21 Oct 16 - 11:50 AM
Georgiansilver 21 Oct 16 - 11:49 AM
Jim Carroll 21 Oct 16 - 08:14 AM
Mrrzy 21 Oct 16 - 12:52 AM
Mrrzy 18 Oct 16 - 09:36 PM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Oct 16 - 09:01 AM
Georgiansilver 14 Oct 16 - 05:56 AM
Steve Shaw 13 Oct 16 - 08:33 PM
Georgiansilver 13 Oct 16 - 06:41 AM
keberoxu 12 Oct 16 - 11:41 PM
Mrrzy 12 Oct 16 - 11:29 PM
Steve Shaw 21 Sep 16 - 06:07 PM
Mrrzy 21 Sep 16 - 05:55 PM
Mrrzy 13 Aug 16 - 12:59 PM
ChanteyLass 12 Aug 16 - 03:37 PM
Steve Shaw 12 Aug 16 - 05:52 AM
Mrrzy 11 Aug 16 - 08:47 PM
Joe Offer 01 Aug 16 - 12:46 AM
Steve Shaw 31 Jul 16 - 07:32 PM
Donuel 31 Jul 16 - 07:18 PM
Andrez 31 Jul 16 - 06:11 PM
Donuel 31 Jul 16 - 05:07 PM
Mrrzy 31 Jul 16 - 10:48 AM
Donuel 31 Jul 16 - 09:30 AM
Georgiansilver 31 Jul 16 - 04:34 AM
Mrrzy 30 Jul 16 - 10:32 PM
Mrrzy 27 Jul 16 - 07:02 PM
Pete from seven stars link 06 Jul 16 - 06:21 PM
Steve Shaw 06 Jul 16 - 05:44 PM
Mrrzy 06 Jul 16 - 10:08 AM
Andrez 06 Jul 16 - 08:10 AM
Steve Shaw 05 Jul 16 - 09:03 PM
Andrez 05 Jul 16 - 08:53 PM
Mrrzy 05 Jul 16 - 06:00 PM
Donuel 29 Jun 16 - 06:53 AM
MGM·Lion 29 Jun 16 - 02:43 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Dec 16 - 05:24 AM

My ex wife always told me when she had really enjoyed making love.... she even phoned me from Hong-~Kong once.

My ex wife was a good housekeeper, when we separated she kept the house.

She left me to run off with my best friend... I was totally devastated.... I really miss him!

She had everything a man could want..... hairy legs, hairy chest, beard.........


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Dec 16 - 10:26 PM

Like fantasy football gambling, it looks like NASCAR will support a new gambling scheme like wheel of fortune giving prizes to viewers at home. The trick is betting on the car with the fewest picks and I got it.
What was it Bob?
its the #32 Maxi Tampex car
What exactly do you have to do?
I had to pull a few strings




I was told I should talk while making love in new places to make it more exciting
"what did you say?
I said don't be nervous I don't see any cars comin.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 09:26 AM

I was reminded of this old chestnut about Vermonters, but you can substitute anyone. Anyway, two of them went bear hunting in the woods. They came to a fork in the road and were discussing which way to take it when they noticed the sign, which said Bear Left. So they went home.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 12:33 PM

Policeman walking along the road spots a man lying face down on the pavement with his trousers pulled down and another kneeling beside him with a finger stuck up his backside
Hello, hello, hello - what are you two men doing" he asked?
"my mate's drunk and I'm trying to make him throw up to get him sober"
You'll never get him to be sick like that".
I will when I put my finger in his mouth".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 09:10 PM

Beautiful young woman is sitting on the bus with her tiny baby. She takes out her breast to feed the child, but he shakes his head vigorously and refuses to latch on.

Trying to entice him to feed, she says "Now you'd better have this otherwise I'll give it to the man in the next seat!"

She tries again but still the babe shakes his head and refuses.

"Now I won't tell you again, either you have your milk or the man in the next seat will get it!"

This goes on for a while but the baby adamantly refuses every time, despite her threats.

Eventually, the man in the next seat exclaims, "Will you please get your baby to make its bloody mind up? I should have got off three stops ago!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Dec 16 - 04:51 PM

What do you call a stolen Tesla, an Edison?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Dec 16 - 11:50 AM

Did you hear that James Bond slept through an earthquake? Apparently he was shaken, but not stirred.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Dec 16 - 02:15 PM

So, is feeling panicky from getting stuck in an elevator with too many Santas a case of claustrophobia?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Nov 16 - 06:33 AM

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, air hostess nervously announced that the catering department made a terrible mistake. A big mixup she said. Although 226 passengers on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised but said that anybody who is kind enough to give up their meal to somebody who is hungry would receive free unlimited drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, ' If anybody is hungry we still have 80 dinners available.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Nov 16 - 07:23 PM

A Connemara man applied for a job on a building site and was asked to sit an exam
The examiner asked, What's the difference between a girder and a joist?"
He replied, "Girder wrote Faust, Joist wrote Ulysses"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Nov 16 - 05:08 PM

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said "I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Oct 16 - 12:37 AM

Is your refrigerator running?

If so, I'd vote for it.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 24 Oct 16 - 02:08 PM

That was a crap joke - literally!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Oct 16 - 07:34 PM

Dung beetle walks into a bar... "Is this stool taken?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Oct 16 - 11:50 AM

should say gave me a good chuckle


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Oct 16 - 11:49 AM

Mrrzy.... that face me a good chuckle.....


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 21 Oct 16 - 08:14 AM

Couple were where cycling along the road on a tandem when a dog ran out and threw a bucket of water over them
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Oct 16 - 12:52 AM

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says "You're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?" To which the horse says, "I don't think I am" and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think; therefore I am.", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Oct 16 - 09:36 PM

For the Americans: How many cops does it take to throw a black guy down the stairs?
None. He tripped.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Oct 16 - 09:01 AM

FLYING WITH YOUR DOG

A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

"Sure," I told her, "as long as you provide your own kennel." I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over."

The customer was flummoxed: 
"I'll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 14 Oct 16 - 05:56 AM

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from SalfordUniversity UK.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Pete approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Pete worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face Pete and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Pete stood frozen, thinking he might be attacked. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Pete never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Pete was walking through Chester Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son David were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Pete, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at Pete.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Pete could not help thinking that this was the same elephant. He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared at it in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Petes' legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Oct 16 - 08:33 PM

Little boy had never uttered a single word for the first seven years of his life. His parents, desperate, had taken him to psychiatrists and child psychologists over and over again, all to no avail.

One day, the family were sitting round the dinner table when the lad suddenly spurted out "Jesus Christ, mum, this gravy is absolute bloody SHITE!! Are you trying to friggin' poison me or something??!"

His thankful mother, ignoring the criticism, burst into tears of joy at the fact that her son had spoken at last.

"But why," she asked through the tears, "haven't you said a single word until now??"

The lad replied "Because the bloody food's been all right up to now!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Oct 16 - 06:41 AM

My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot.
but she took it back a week later.
"This parrot hasn't said anything yet!" she complained.
"I haven't had a blood' chance yet!" replied the parrot


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: keberoxu
Date: 12 Oct 16 - 11:41 PM

Oh dear. Dave O went through "A Joke for Each State," and left out New Mexico. A joke by omission, as in, "One of our Fifty is Missing...."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Oct 16 - 11:29 PM

What do you call a camel with no humps? Humphrey!

--also--

Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intense!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Sep 16 - 06:07 PM

Olympics, huh? OK, another rehash.

I was walking through the Olympic park when I saw a man carrying a very long stick.

"Are you a pole-vaulter?" I asked him.

"No, I'm a German," he replied, "but how did you know my name was Walter?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Sep 16 - 05:55 PM

Also from the Internet:

Sean Connery tried to cover up his bathroom smell with Fabreze, but it left everything smelling like shitrus.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Aug 16 - 12:59 PM

Love a new knockknock joke!

What's the coolest Olympic sport?

The heptathlon, of course. It's crazy wild, man.

Stolen from Mike du jour


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: ChanteyLass
Date: 12 Aug 16 - 03:37 PM

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie and Tom.
Annie and Tom who?
Annie and (sing) Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, you're only a day away!

I've been trying to incorporate song fragments into jokes for senior citizen's exercise classes at my local Y.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Aug 16 - 05:52 AM

I though it was Davy Crockett who was king of the wild front ear. Still, you live and learn....


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Aug 16 - 08:47 PM

OK, did you know Spock actually had 3 ears? Left, right, and the final front ear.

Stolen from the Internet.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Joe Offer
Date: 01 Aug 16 - 12:46 AM

From the infamous Ed Silberman of the San Francisco Folk Music Club:
    Shelia Kay Adams told this one when she was out here a few years ago.
    Q: Whats' the difference between "naked" and "nekkid"?
    A: "Naked is when you have no clothes on. "Nekkid" is when you have no clothes on and you're up to no good."


Full Disclosure (click)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 07:32 PM

Ok. I'll rehash this old chestnut.

Little boy goes into frozen food shop and says to the man "My mum says can I have a packet of Birdseye Pissoles please. "

Man frowns, then smiles and says "Ah, of course, little boy, but next time try to remember that it's an R, not a P!"

"OK," says the boy, "My mum says can I have a packet of Birdseye Arseholes please."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 07:18 PM

you call that being a critic?

Eric André (Andrez) is a hyperactive and dysfunctional self declared host who has awkward moments with guests, makes senseless criticisms, or otherwise fails to properly maintain his screen presence. He often overreacts during interviews, acts aggressively towards his crew members, diverts from the script, and refuses to read the jokes (all of which is intended acting, nevertheless it is weak.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Andrez
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 06:11 PM

Dave O where are you? There hasn't been a joke that is actually funny in this thread since May! :-(

Cheers,

Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 05:07 PM

advanced neddyfication of flanderized ubiquitin


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 10:48 AM

Who, our ex-governoriddly?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 09:30 AM

Tim Caine = Ned Flanders w/o a moustache.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 04:34 AM

My ex wife once stood in front of a full length mirror in our bedroom. She stated ''My hair is thinning, I am getting crows feet wrinkles by my eyes, my breasts are sagging and have stretch marks, my belly has stretch marks, my bum and thighs are covered with cellulite..... please tell me there's something good about me'' So I did!! I said ''Your eyesight is perfect darling!!''


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Jul 16 - 10:32 PM

The madam puts a blowup doll in bed, because none of her girls wanted to do the town drunk. A minute later he comes back out of the bedroom - was there a problem, asks the madam? I dunno, says the drunk, I bit her on the tit... and she farted and flew out the window.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jul 16 - 07:02 PM

I heard that Hillary Clinton won't be any good at job creation - the last job she had in the White House she outsourced to Monica Lewinsky... who blew it.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 06 Jul 16 - 06:21 PM

Sounds like the comedy joke ....minus the bad laquage, the one liner "what's the secret of good comedy", cut in on by the word TIMING !.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jul 16 - 05:44 PM

Agreed. Un-po your face, Andrez!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Jul 16 - 10:08 AM

it doesn't work if you don't *interrupt* with FUCK or something. I used the other word only as an unambiguous noun - when do we FUCK might have not been "gotten" - and yeah, I thought it was funny. Of course it's not funny TO have Tourette's, but that doesn't mean the joke can't be funny. You didn't like it; doesn't make it not funny.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Andrez
Date: 06 Jul 16 - 08:10 AM

Sorry Steve, still not funny. It took me a while to realise you were talking about Tourette's Syndrome and I had to go and look it up again, doesn't sound at all like fun for the kids with this particular condition. For anyone wanting to know what Tourette's is check out:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tourette_syndrome

It might have been marginally funnier if you used TRUMP or BREXIT or FARAGE but no we had to go for the obvious, unoriginal and derogatory option didn't we?

This is meant to be a joke thread. So lets just keep FUNNY!

Cheers,

Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jul 16 - 09:03 PM

He missed a bit out. I never type rude words but I shall make an exception just this once. Ahem.

What do we want?

A cure for Tourette's!

When do we want it?

CUNT!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Andrez
Date: 05 Jul 16 - 08:53 PM

Thats meant to be funny?

Cheers,

Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jul 16 - 06:00 PM

What do we want? A cure for Tourette's! And when do we CUNT!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jun 16 - 06:53 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzRbC7lQ-EQ


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 29 Jun 16 - 02:43 AM

What did Santa Claus say to the three prostitutes?




Ho! Ho! Ho!


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