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Favorite Limerick [2]

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Potato Fingers 20 Nov 99 - 06:29 PM
20 Nov 99 - 06:44 PM
polesden 20 Nov 99 - 07:02 PM
Micca 20 Nov 99 - 07:06 PM
Alan of Australia 20 Nov 99 - 07:32 PM
Liz the Squeak 20 Nov 99 - 07:54 PM
Bill D 20 Nov 99 - 08:02 PM
sophocleese 20 Nov 99 - 08:14 PM
wildlone 20 Nov 99 - 08:25 PM
Liz the Squeak 20 Nov 99 - 08:33 PM
catspaw49 20 Nov 99 - 09:16 PM
Midchuck 20 Nov 99 - 09:23 PM
_gargoyle 20 Nov 99 - 10:03 PM
Sandy Paton 20 Nov 99 - 10:57 PM
Sandy Paton 20 Nov 99 - 11:01 PM
dwditty 20 Nov 99 - 11:14 PM
Art Thieme 20 Nov 99 - 11:26 PM
WyoWoman 20 Nov 99 - 11:33 PM
Jeri 21 Nov 99 - 12:08 AM
Bugsy 21 Nov 99 - 01:46 AM
21 Nov 99 - 01:55 AM
Stewie 21 Nov 99 - 03:14 AM
Micca 21 Nov 99 - 06:05 AM
Midchuck 21 Nov 99 - 08:46 AM
Ralph S. 21 Nov 99 - 01:34 PM
Jon Freeman 21 Nov 99 - 03:03 PM
bseed(charleskratz) 21 Nov 99 - 04:00 PM
kendall 21 Nov 99 - 04:13 PM
Jeri 21 Nov 99 - 05:18 PM
Midchuck 21 Nov 99 - 05:33 PM
21 Nov 99 - 05:43 PM
Stewie 21 Nov 99 - 05:51 PM
rwilhlem 21 Nov 99 - 05:57 PM
Micca 21 Nov 99 - 06:07 PM
Art Thieme 21 Nov 99 - 06:12 PM
Sandy Paton 21 Nov 99 - 06:19 PM
Stewie 21 Nov 99 - 06:30 PM
bseed(charleskratz) 21 Nov 99 - 06:41 PM
_gargoyle 21 Nov 99 - 06:59 PM
i'd rather not say 21 Nov 99 - 07:46 PM
21 Nov 99 - 08:36 PM
Midchuck 21 Nov 99 - 09:17 PM
kendall 21 Nov 99 - 09:34 PM
kendall 21 Nov 99 - 09:36 PM
Dave Swan 21 Nov 99 - 10:02 PM
sophocleese 21 Nov 99 - 10:07 PM
Don Meixner 21 Nov 99 - 11:31 PM
Sandy Paton 21 Nov 99 - 11:52 PM
John in Brisbane 22 Nov 99 - 12:04 AM
Lonesome EJ 22 Nov 99 - 12:28 AM
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Subject: Favorite Limerick
From: Potato Fingers
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 06:29 PM

A mathematician named Paul
had one perfectly spherical ball.
The square of its weight,
plus his pecker times eight,
is his phone number,
give him a call.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 06:44 PM

BS unless you have a tune for it.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: polesden
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 07:02 PM

There was a young lady from Tottenham
Who'd no manners or else she'd forgotten them
At tea at the vicars she tore off her knickers
Because she explained she felt hot in them

Many more like this in a poetry book called 'Verse and Worse' by Arnold Silcock

Regards Bob Merrett


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 07:06 PM

Yes thre is a song that all the verses are limericks of your choice
The chorus is
That was a terrible rhyme
sing us another one
just like the other one
sing us another one do

I wooed a rude nude in Bermuda
I was rude but mygod she was ruder
the lads in the bar
said I wouldn't get far
but I wooed her pursued her and screwed her

And for those who enjoy wordplay

There was a young lady from Salisbury
Whose manner was Halisbury-scalisbury
she travelled round Hampshire
without any Pampshire
because she'd forgotten to walisbury


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Alan of Australia
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 07:32 PM

There was a young man from Milan
Whose poetry just didn't scan
He said every time
I write a new rhyme
I always try to cram as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.

And Potato Fingers, yours has cleaned itself up considerably in the 40 years since I first heard it.

Cheers,
Alan


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 07:54 PM

Said the duchess one day at tea, 'Young man, do you fart when you pee?' I replied with some wit, 'Do you belch when you shit?' I think that was one up to me.

There was an old man of Khartoum Who kept two black sheep in his room 'They remind me', he said 'Of two friends who are dead, But I can't quite remember of whom...'

There once was a lady named Gwynne Who was so exceptionally thin, That when she assayed To drink orangeade, She slipped through the straw and fell in.

There once was a fellow named Clyde, Who fell in a cess pit, and died. Edward, his brother Fell into another And now they're interr'd side by side.

There was a young girl of St Bride, Who ate rotten apples and died The apples fermented, Inside the lamented, And made cider inside her inside.

There was a young man of St Just, Who ate apple pie til he bust. It was't the fru-it That caused him to do it, What finished him off was the crust.

There was an old man of Darjeeling, Who travelled from London to Ealing The sign on the door said don't spit on the floor So he got up and spat on the ceiling.

There was an old lady of Tring, Who, when somebody asked her to sing said 'Ain't it odd, I can never tell God Save the weasel from Pop goes the King!'

You really don't know what you have started here - - -

Whilst on honeymoon in Ireland, the other lady with us (don't ask, it is a very long story) decided that she would make a rule. If we went through a town that we knew a song about, we would have to sing it. So, through Dublin we were singing 'Molly Malone', and 'Strawberry beds run down to the Liffey', we sang going over the Bridge of Athlone, and in Lisdoonvarna (yes, a honeymoon in a village popular for its matchmaking fair....). She was winning hands down at this purile game, until we drove through Limerick...... Ah, the merits of a misspent youth, how I wish he were still here......

LTS


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 08:02 PM

....don't get me started...I have *THE BOOKS*...the BIG collection of limericks..and, MOST of them are on internet sites by now....

but..one of my favorites..

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen,
So seldom are clean...
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

(we used to sing them on occasion..but everyone had slightly different versions of tune and 'bridge'..)


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: sophocleese
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 08:14 PM

The reverend Henry Ward Beecher called the hen a most elegant creature, the hen pleased with that laid an egg in his hat, and thus did the hen reward beecher.

There was a young man from St. Clair Having his girl on the stair On the 44th stroke The banister broke So he finished her off in midair.

The da dada dada of Bings Talked about God and such things But his secret desire Was a boy in the choir With a bottom like jelly on springs.

I forget what the dada words are.

I'd rather have fingers than toes, I'd rather have ears than a nose but as for my hair I'm glad its still there I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

I wish that my room had a floor, I don't care so much for a door, but this walking around without touching the ground, is getting to be quite a bore.

ENOUGH!!!


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: wildlone
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 08:25 PM

Looking at the posting from "They that will be nameless"
Is any thread that has not got a tune BS?
If so that must mean that the self appointed censor only wants songs and TUNES posted not just lyrics.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 08:33 PM

There was an old man of Dunoon, Who always ate soup with a fork. For he said, 'As I eat Neither fish, fowl or flesh, I should otherwise finish too quick.

There once was a person from Lyme, Who married three brides at a time. When asked 'Why a third?' He replied, 'One's absurd, And bigamy, sir, is a crime!'

There was a young girl of Madras Who had the most beautiful ass. But not as you'd think, Firm, round and pink, But grey, with long ears and eats grass.

There was a young lady of Wantage, Of whom the town clerk took advantage. Said the borough surveyor, 'Indeed, you must pay 'er, For you've totally altered her frontage!'

There was an old loony of Lyme, Whose candour was simply sublime. When they asked 'Are you there?' 'Yes' he said, 'but take care, For I'm never "all there" at one time!'

And how about these for late at night and p***ed as a fart?

There was a young fellow named Cholmondeley, Whose bride was so mellow and colmondeley, That the best man, Colquhoun, An insane young bolquhoun, Could only stand still and stare dolmondeley.

The bridegrooms' first cousin, young Belvoir, Whose dad was a Lancashire welvoir, Arrived with George Bohun, At just about nohun When excitement was mounting to felvoir.

The vicar - his surname was Beauchamp - Of marriage endeavoured to teauchamp, While the bridesmaid, Miss Marjoribanks Played one or two harjoripranks But the shoe that she threw failed to reauchamp.

Translations available with written application and a bar of chocolate....

LTS


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: catspaw49
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 09:16 PM

Again Bill...you and I have some strange shit in common...not to mention the schizoid Fielding guy. So...

There once was a young man named Glass,Who had two nuts both made of brass. When he rubbed them together, They played "Stormy Weather," and lightning shot out of his ass.

There once was a man named Magruder, Who met a nude and he wooed her. But she thought it was crude to be wooed in the nude, But Magruder was shrewd and he screwed her.

A lovely lass name of McNair, Was had by a fella' all covered with hair. When he took off his hat, she realized that, She'd been fucked by Smokey the Bear.

There was a young couple named Kelly, Who went around belly to belly. Because in their haste they used library paste, Instead of petroleum jelly.

An adventurous lady named Alice, used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina in North Carolina, and bits of her tits in Dallas.

A new bride living in Norway, Hung by her heels in the doorway. She told her young man, "Get off that divan, I think I've discovered one more way."

A fair young maid from Exeter, was so comely men craned their necks at her. One was even so brave as to take out and wave the distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

A fairy who lived in Khartoum, took a lesbian up to his room. They argued all night over who had the right, to do WHAT and with WHICH and to WHOM.

A daring young fellow named Blair, Took his girl up on the stair. But when he gave her a poke, the bannister broke, So he finished the fuck in mid-air.

A humorous young Harvard bloke, Took a Vassar girl out for a poke. He pulled down her pants, Fucked her into a trance...And then shit in her shoe for a joke!

ENOUGH!!!!!!!!I hate my mind...I can remember and invent these ad infinitum..AARRGGHHHH

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 09:23 PM

You're gonna be sorry....

As Titian was mixing rose-madder His model posed nude on a ladder Her position, to Titian, Suggested coition So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er.

I am a most virtuous bloke I do not drink, swear, chew or smoke All vices eschewing I stick to my screwing And sometimes, on Sundays, snort coke.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: _gargoyle
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 10:03 PM

In an effort to convert this a "Music Thread"

An old college drinking song (unable to locate it in the DT) used Lymerics for the Verse and the Chorus ran something to effect of:

Aye, Yi, Yi, Yi, in China they do it for chili
Oh, lets hear another verse
That's Worse than the other verse
Oh come on now....let's hear one more

The tune was perhaps the Mexican "La Champaneros" (sic)


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 10:57 PM

Jonathan Eberhart taught us "The Limerick Game" while here to make his recording. Played thusly: Each player writes the first and last lines of a limerick, they must scan properly, of course, and rhyme, but should not clearly relate to one another in any way suggesting a tie-in. These two lines are then handed to the player on the left of the originator, who must fill in with the second, third and fourth lines, creating the limerick and a reasonable connection between first and last lines. The resulting limericks are then read to the rest of the players amid loud cheers of admiration. (Hopefully)

For instance: Jonathan wrote:

(1) To the sound of the funeral drum...
(5) In a vat of Dominican rum.

To the sound of the funeral drum,
The mourning procession did come.
Their cries did resound
For their priest, who had drowned

In a vat of Dominican rum.

Similarly, we created:

With the grace of a fragile gazelle
Moved the late actor, Zero Mostel.
How he'd glide 'cross the stage
With his girth, at his age,

Was a secret no one could tell.

Try it some night, when you're tired of all the picking and singing.

Sandy


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 11:01 PM

I failed to modestly admit that the first and last lines in both examples were Jonathan's, the fill-in lines were mine.

S.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: dwditty
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 11:14 PM

There was a young man from Nantucket...


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Art Thieme
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 11:26 PM

Tom Paley told me this was the filthiest limerick ever. So bad that 99% of it had to be BLEEPED out.

Da bleepity, bleepity bleep,
Da bleepity bleepity bleep,
Da bleepity bleep,
Da bleepity bleep,
Da bleepity bleepity fuck.

Art Thieme


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: WyoWoman
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 11:33 PM

Who carried her lunch in a bucket...

WW

P.S. This is great. BTW, Gargoyle -- I've also heard that "song." Where did that come from? Have you hear of Dave Mason? Something is ringing a bell associating his name and your limerick song...


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Jeri
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 12:08 AM

I've heard the last line of gargoyle's limerick song as:
So waltz me around again, Willie.

Tune - I don't the correct title, but it was used in the US for Frito commercials.
Ay, yi, yi, yi,
I am the Frito Bandito...


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Bugsy
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 01:46 AM

There was a young girl from Madras

Who had a remarkable ass

Not rounded and pink as you probably think

It was grey had long ears and ate grass.

Cheers

Bugsy.

PS I notice no one has posted the one about the lady from Uppingham!


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 01:55 AM

There was a young fellow from Boston

Who bought himself a new Austin

There was room for his ass, and a gallon of gas

But his balls hung out and he lost 'em


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Stewie
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 03:14 AM

Judging from the above, my favourite limerick is too gross to post, but it concerns a young lady from Bude.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:05 AM

Stewie do you mean

There was a young lady from Bude
who went for a swim in the lake
a man in a punt
stuck a pole in her ear
saying you can't do that here it is Private


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 08:46 AM

No, no, no! It was the young lady from Wole's Hill Who sat herself down on a mole's hill The resident mole Stuck its head up her hole The lady's all right, but the mole's ill.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Ralph S.
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 01:34 PM

There once was a woman from the Azores, Who's body was covered in sores, The dogs in the street, Would eat the green meat, That hung in festoons from her drawers.

There once was a man from Brazil, Who swallowed an atomic pill His liver corroded, His stomach exploded, And they found his balls in Brazil!


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 03:03 PM

There was an old man from Gosham
Who took out his balls to wash 'em
Said his wife with a grin
"You put them back in"
Or I'll pick 'em up and I'll squash 'em

Jon


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 04:00 PM

The "Waltz me around again, Willie" limerick song is set to the chorus of "Ceilito Lindo," Gargoyle.

And folks, try to top this one that I got from a small book of dirty limericks by someone called Count Palmiro Vicarion:

My back aches, my penis is sore;
I really can't fuck any more.
I'm covered with sweat
And you haven't come yet,
And, my god! it's a quarter to four!

--seed


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: kendall
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 04:13 PM

there was a young girl named Heather, who's pussy was made out of leather..she attracted the boys by making a noise from rubbing it's edges together. There once was a heathen Chinee who humped an ape in a tree, the result was quite horrid, all ass, no forhead, three balls and a purple gotee. and one I guarantee you have never heard.. there once was an aging folksinger, who caught his dick in a wringer, said he "It's no trouble, I"ll simply redouble my efforts with tongue and with finger." the way I first heard the first one was.. a mathematician named Hall, and a hexahedronical ball, the cube of its weight, plus his pecker, times eight, was four fifths of five eights of fuck all.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Jeri
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 05:18 PM

There once was a hermit named Dave...nah, never mind.
There was a young woman named Bright
Who could fuck at the speed of light
She started one day in the usual way
And came on the previous night.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 05:33 PM

The new cinematic emporium Is not just a super-sensorium But a highly effectual Heterosexual Mutual masturbatorium


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 05:43 PM

for the musically inclined


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Stewie
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 05:51 PM

Micca, no it's worse than that.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: rwilhlem
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 05:57 PM

There was a young man from St. Joe's
Who diddled himself with his toes
He did it so neat
He fell in love with his feet
And christened them Myrtle and Rose

There was a young lady named wild
Who kept herself quite undefiled
by thinking of Jesus
contagious diseases
and the bother of having a child


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:07 PM

Stewie do you mean
There was a young lady from Bude
who danced on the stage in the nude
a man out the front
shouted show us your c**t
Just like that, right out loud f***ing rude


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Art Thieme
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:12 PM

this is a keeper thread...


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:19 PM

There was a young man named Tuckingham
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham,
Watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fuckingham.

Admirable internal rhyme scheme, eh?


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Stewie
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:30 PM

Micca, almost.

There was a young lady from Bude
Who danced on the stage in the nude
When a bloke at the front
Said (loud sniffing noises) I think I smell cunt
Just like that, right out loud, fucking rude!


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:41 PM

By the way, Art--I heard that one as

There was a blank-blankety-blank
Who blank-blanked a blankety blank. When he blank-blanked the blank
With his blankety-blank,
Then the blank blank blank blankety fuck.

From Ramblin' Jack Elliot back in about 1966.

--seed


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: _gargoyle
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:59 PM

Yes...and also heard the last song line as "Waltz me around by my willie."

Heard this as a rauckus drinking song many years before ever hearing of Dave Mason....


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: i'd rather not say
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 07:46 PM

there was a young maid from st paul wore a newspaper dress to a ball the dress caught on fire and burnt her entire front page, sporting section, and all


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 08:36 PM

Anyone in the service during the Korean Conflict (never was a war!) should remember hundreds of these. And the chorous sung then was

Aye, Yi, Yi, Yi, we all eat pussy in Puson And here comes another verse That's Worse than the other verse So waltz me around again Willie.

There were contests while marching from point A to point B, 20 miles away, as to how could come up with the most verses.

There was a young man from Racine Who invented a f**king machine Concave or convex It screwed either sex But OH what a bastard to clean.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 09:17 PM

"There was a young man from Racine Who invented a f**king machine Concave or convex It screwed either sex But OH what a bastard to clean."

A variant of this has as the last line: "With attachments for those in between."


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: kendall
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 09:34 PM

and, on the 23rd stroke, the fucking thing broke, and whipped his balls into .....

there was a young fella named Jock who tied mandolin strings to his cock. When he got an erection, he could play any selection from Johaan Sebastian Back.

there once was a fella named Carter known as a prodidgious farter..he could fart anything from God Save the King, to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

there was a fella from Kent, whose dick was so long that it bent..to save him some trouble, he put it in double..so.. instead of cumming, ..he went.

ENOUGH


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: kendall
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 09:36 PM

and, on the 23rd stroke, the fucking thing broke, and whipped his balls into .....

there was a young fella named Jock who tied mandolin strings to his cock. When he got an erection, he could play any selection from Johaan Sebastian Back.

there once was a fella named Carter known as a prodidgious farter..he could fart anything from God Save the King, to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

there was a fella from Kent, whose dick was so long that it bent..to save him some trouble, he put it in double..so.. instead of cumming, ..he went.

ENOUGH


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Dave Swan
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 10:02 PM

There once was a man named Mc Fee
Who was stung on the arm by a wasp
When asked if it hurt
He said "Yes it does,
And I'm glad that it wasn't a hornet."


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: sophocleese
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 10:07 PM

There once was a plumber of Lea who was plumbing his maid by the sea, said the maid "Cease your plumbing, I think someone's coming" Said the plumber, still plumbing, "Its me!"


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Don Meixner
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 11:31 PM

Dave,

Thats my all time favorite. Written by W S Gilbert of Gilbert and Sullivan. But I believe rhat the correct line is "There once was a man from St. Bees"

Said the Physicain to his patient named Jacues,

"Can you do it while lacking a cock?",

"Its not as hard as all that,

I use a ball bat,"

"Its called hickory, dickery, Doc"

Don


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 11:52 PM

There was a young man from Rangoon
Who was born by the light of the moon.
It wasn't his luck
To be born by a fuck,
But a wet dream, scooped in with a spoon.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: John in Brisbane
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 12:04 AM

From the pen of a meteorologist I used to work with:

If you list life's pleasures no doubt,
Copulation's the first thing you'll shout,
But a piss you'll admit, as well as a shit,
Are joys that can't be left out.

OR

Yallourn is a major coal mining and electricity generation area in Victoria.

An electrical clerk from Yallourn,
An accredited dealer in porn,
Had an order for smut, for a large open cut,
Good spellers are made and not born.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 12:28 AM

Cute:

There once was a three-legged bear
In the world he had only one care
He never could find
His favorite kind
Of three-legged underwear

Nasty:

There once was a man named Canute
Who had three little warts on his root
He used acid on these
And now when he pees
He handles his root like a flute


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