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BS: First Joke Thread of 2013

Mrrzy 01 Jun 13 - 09:32 PM
Uncle_DaveO 24 Jun 13 - 09:23 PM
Joe_F 24 Jun 13 - 10:33 PM
Uncle_DaveO 06 Jul 13 - 12:02 PM
Andrez 07 Jul 13 - 12:23 AM
Roger the Skiffler 09 Jul 13 - 06:07 AM
Uncle_DaveO 11 Jul 13 - 06:38 PM
Uncle_DaveO 12 Jul 13 - 03:42 PM
Dead Horse 13 Jul 13 - 01:12 PM
GUEST,pete from seven stars link 13 Jul 13 - 02:15 PM
MGM·Lion 15 Jul 13 - 02:22 AM
Uncle_DaveO 16 Jul 13 - 09:25 AM
Andrez 16 Jul 13 - 09:54 PM
Uncle_DaveO 17 Jul 13 - 10:14 AM
GUEST 17 Jul 13 - 05:54 PM
Uncle_DaveO 19 Jul 13 - 09:56 AM
MGM·Lion 19 Jul 13 - 05:10 PM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Jul 13 - 10:10 AM
Ernest 20 Jul 13 - 10:26 AM
WalkaboutsVerse 20 Jul 13 - 10:56 AM
Joe_F 20 Jul 13 - 06:12 PM
Uncle_DaveO 24 Jul 13 - 09:17 AM
Uncle_DaveO 25 Jul 13 - 09:21 AM
Mrrzy 25 Jul 13 - 11:14 AM
MGM·Lion 28 Jul 13 - 09:41 AM
GUEST,Van 28 Jul 13 - 07:27 PM
Steve Shaw 28 Jul 13 - 08:06 PM
Steve Shaw 28 Jul 13 - 08:06 PM
Steve Shaw 28 Jul 13 - 08:07 PM
Steve Shaw 28 Jul 13 - 08:12 PM
Uncle_DaveO 06 Aug 13 - 08:57 PM
MGM·Lion 07 Aug 13 - 02:03 AM
GUEST,DaveA 08 Aug 13 - 12:54 AM
Uncle_DaveO 11 Aug 13 - 10:23 AM
Uncle_DaveO 11 Aug 13 - 11:58 AM
Bert 11 Aug 13 - 07:01 PM
Mrrzy 12 Aug 13 - 12:15 PM
Pete Jennings 14 Aug 13 - 08:27 AM
GUEST 15 Aug 13 - 07:21 AM
Joe_F 15 Aug 13 - 07:48 PM
GUEST 18 Aug 13 - 08:57 PM
Mrrzy 19 Aug 13 - 03:02 PM
Uncle_DaveO 22 Aug 13 - 10:04 AM
Uncle_DaveO 24 Aug 13 - 06:38 PM
Uncle_DaveO 01 Sep 13 - 09:32 AM
Uncle_DaveO 02 Sep 13 - 09:59 AM
Uncle_DaveO 03 Sep 13 - 09:01 AM
GUEST 03 Sep 13 - 10:55 AM
Uncle_DaveO 10 Sep 13 - 03:00 PM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Sep 13 - 09:10 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Jun 13 - 09:32 PM

We had trouble making room for the extra people at the Chinese restaurant because the chairs were unscootable.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Jun 13 - 09:23 PM

"Park Bench"

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced
around and decided to stretch out her legs on
the seat and relax. After a while a beggar came
up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us
going for a walk together."

"How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not
one of your cheap pickups!"

"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you
doing in my bed?"


<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>


       Quote du Jour

"186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea,
it's the LAW!"
-- Anonymous


<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>


"No, Thank You!"

A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale
restaurant in the East End of Manhattan, and
took a seat at the bar.

The bartender came over and asked "What
can I get you to drink, sir"?

The gentleman responded, "Nothing, thank
you. I tried alcohol once, didn't like it, and
never tried it again."

The bartender was a bit perplexed, but being
a friendly, outgoing sort, he pulled out a pack
of cigarettes and offered the gentleman a
cigarette.

The gentleman refused, saying, "I tried
smoking once, didn't like it, and never did it
again. The point is, I wouldn't be in here at
all, except that I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender retorted, "Your only child, I
presume?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Jun 13 - 10:33 PM

First nun (whispers): "I hear there's a case of syphilis in the kitchen."
Second nun (brightly): "Good! I've been getting tired of that Beaujolais."

*

Customer (irritated by the waiter's persistently scratching his ass): "Do you have hemorrhoids?"
Waiter: "Only what's on the menu, sir."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Jul 13 - 12:02 PM

"Buying A Gun"

A woman went into a sporting goods store to buy
a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she told the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she said. "He doesn't even know
I'm going to shoot him!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Andrez
Date: 07 Jul 13 - 12:23 AM

Texan in Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?


Not sure if I've posted this before, but hey so what? Enjoy, cheers folks!

Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 09 Jul 13 - 06:07 AM

THE GUNFIGHTER

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high – tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse, and it won't hurt as much.


RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Jul 13 - 06:38 PM

"Changing Diapers"

During a long trip, my wife and I stopped at a
gas station to, amongst other things, change
our son's diaper. Being a considerate husband,
I carried my son back to the men's room to
take care of it, rather than letting my wife do it.

I noted the baby changing station sign on the
ladies' room door, but lack of one on the men's
room door. Sure enough, upon entering the
men's room, I saw the only available wall space
was taken up by a condom machine.

While taking my son back to give to my wife,
I thought of the message the condom
manufacturers might be trying to get across:
"If you'd used our product, you wouldn't need
a baby changing station in the men's' room."

----------------------

"Ham Sandwich"

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick
slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty
of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The
corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it
to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with
both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly
at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son)
while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and
shoulder and was reaching again for the ham
sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on
my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with
my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each
hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do,
only I did it on my tongue. Later my wife said,

"Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Jul 13 - 03:42 PM

"Things To Ponder"

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called
the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary,
how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where
did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean
the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball
game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they
are made for sitting?

11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is
"after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make
the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy"
opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean
opposite things?

15. Why do they call it a TV set when you only
have one?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have
to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the
audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia,
can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of
a remote control when you know the batteries
are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and
garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we
clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the
bottle?

26. What is the synonym for "thesaurus"?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Dead Horse
Date: 13 Jul 13 - 01:12 PM

A group of 3rd, 4th, & 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I do appreciate your help.'


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 13 Jul 13 - 02:15 PM

did you hear what the proud mormon said?
"i love both my wives equally- is'nt that bigomy"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 15 Jul 13 - 02:22 AM

Counsel: So you say the prisoner was drunk?

Witness: He was as drunk as a judge!

Judge: Surely you mean 'as drunk as a lord'?

Witness: Yes, My Lord.


~M~


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Jul 13 - 09:25 AM

"Woooooo! Woooooo!"

There were two Indians and a white fellow walking
along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden,
one of the Indians took off and ran up this hill to the
mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the
cave..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then
listened very closely until he heard the answer...
"Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore
off his clothes and ran in to the cave.

The white fellow was puzzled and asked the other
Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy
or something?

"No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us
Indians, and when you see a cave and holler "Woooooo!
Woooooo! Woooooo!" and get an answer back, that means
that she is in there waiting for you."

Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw
another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave,
then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo!
Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo!
Woooooo! Woooooo!" off came the clothes and
into the cave he rushed.

The white guy (a blond?) started running around
the desert looking for a cave to find these women
that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden,
he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he
looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look
at the size of that cave! It's bigger than the ones
that those Indians found. There must really be
something really great in this cave!"

Well, he took off up the hill at a super-fast speed
with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in
front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo!
Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard
the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!!
WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big
smile on his face, he raced into the cave.

The next day the newspaper headlines read, "NAKED
MAN RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!!!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Andrez
Date: 16 Jul 13 - 09:54 PM

Groan, I saw it coming !!!!!

Cheers,

Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Jul 13 - 10:14 AM

"Newly Rich"

The nouveau-riche real-estate developer splurged
on a Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow and couldn't wait
to show it off. So after a meeting with the bank, he
offered one of the senior officers a ride home.

"Whaddaya think?" he couldn't resist asking his
passenger after a mile or two. "Pretty classy, eh?
I bet you've never ridden in one of these before."

"Actually, I have," replied the banker graciously,
"but this is the first time in the front seat."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Jul 13 - 05:54 PM

Worth a listen and view. Not appropriate for children: language.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/0ilMx7k7mso


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Jul 13 - 09:56 AM

"The Paintings"

Liz went to her first show at an art gallery
and was looking at the paintings. One was a huge
canvas that had black with yellow blobs of
paint splattered all over it. The next painting
was a murky gray color that had drips of purple
paint streaked across it.

Liz walked over to the artist and said, "I don't
understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explained the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 19 Jul 13 - 05:10 PM

A great lady had a vacancy on her staff for two senior footmen, and her housekeeper advertised for them in the appropriate journals. Two friends who had worked together for a time as junior footmen applied for the post, and were called to interview. As this was a fairly senior post, the lady decided to interview them herself.

"You have answered my questions most satisfactorily," she said. "Just one more thing. My footmen's livery includes knee breeches, in which they must look smart. So, if you would not mind, please roll your trousers up to the knee so that I can see that your calves are sufficiently shapely.

"Thank you. That is excellent. It only now remains for me to see your testimonials."







Said one to the other as they walked sadly away from the back door ~~

"If you hadn't been so bloody ignorant, we'd have got that job!"

~M~


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jul 13 - 10:10 AM

New Miracle Drugs For Women

BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"

ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.

FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Ernest
Date: 20 Jul 13 - 10:26 AM

A little boy comes to President Obama, tugs him at the sleeve and says:

"Is it true what my daddy says: you can look in my computer?"

Answers Obama: "This is not your daddy".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 20 Jul 13 - 10:56 AM

Since The Open is on: a couple of golfers were in the middle of a round when thunder and lightning began to crack from the leaden skies. Suddenly, one pulled out a 1 iron and held it up high. "What on earth are you doing?", cried his partner. "There's lightning about!". To which came the calm reply: "Not even God can hit a 1 iron."

And here's my poem cum song on golfing lingo: "Lingolf" - http://writeoutloud.net/public/blogentry.php?blogentryid=26807


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Jul 13 - 06:12 PM

A prospective immigrant to Australia is being interviewed. The examiner asks: "Have you ever been arrested?" The applicant raises his eyebrows & says "I didn't realize that was still a requirement".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Jul 13 - 09:17 AM

New Miracle Drugs For Women

BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"

ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.

FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Jul 13 - 09:21 AM

"Men Are Like..."

Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much
interest.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just
LOOK SILLY.

Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking
up their crap.

Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out, and never have enough
memory.

Men are like.....Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them
anywhere.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your
hair.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and
they need dough.

Men are like.....Place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push
them around.

Men are like ... Road Kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

Men are like ... Soap Operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything
you hear.

Men are like ... Old Car Tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have
a spare.

Men are like ... Plastic Wrap
Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Jul 13 - 11:14 AM

Back to the Open:
"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air." - Jack Benny


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 28 Jul 13 - 09:41 AM

Doctor: Big breaths.

Patient: Yeth. And I'm not even thickthteen!

~M~


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Van
Date: 28 Jul 13 - 07:27 PM

Always remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that if you can't afford a trawler you can always have a tug.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jul 13 - 08:06 PM

Man goes to doctor.

Doc: You're going to have to stop masturbating.

Man: But why???

Doc: Because I'm trying to bloody examine you!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jul 13 - 08:06 PM

Man goes to doctor.

Doc: You're going to have to stop masturbating.

Man: But why???

Doc: Because I'm trying to bloody examine you!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jul 13 - 08:07 PM

Maybe even the second attempt to examine him failed.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jul 13 - 08:12 PM

Exclusively for those who never open religion threads (well done you):

Two blokes came knocking on my door last Sunday morning. All they wanted to talk about was vacuum cleaners.

I thought "Bloody Jehoover's Witnesses..."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Aug 13 - 08:57 PM

My Medical Checkup

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

"Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?

I said, "No, I've heard that all 'red meat' is very unhealthful!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy people?"

"No," I said, "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 90?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 07 Aug 13 - 02:03 AM

Uncle Dave's joke above reminds me of a fine Andy Capp cartoon ~~

Old Man: I don't drink and I don't smoke, and next week I shall celebrate my 90th birthday.

Andy [puzzled]: How?

~M~


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,DaveA
Date: 08 Aug 13 - 12:54 AM

A bloke came home from work to find a "post-it" note on the fridge from his wife.

It read: It's not working. I'm going to stay with Mum for a while.

He scratched his head for a bit & then opened the fridge door.

The light came on and he grabbed a cold beer.

"F*ck it", he said. "What's her problem"???


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Aug 13 - 10:23 AM

"Predicting The Future?"

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the
exact day of the year that he was going to die.
It was the right year too. Not only that, but he
knew what time he would die that day, and
he was right about that too."

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he
know all of that?"

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Aug 13 - 11:58 AM

The Best Pub in the World

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newfoundlander were sitting in a bar in Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," admitted the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Bert
Date: 11 Aug 13 - 07:01 PM

I just posted this on the "stupid" thread...

In an email that I received from Netflix.

------------------------

Please click the link below to contact corporate communications:

https://signup.netflix.com/MediaCenter/ContactPR

**Please note that this email address is not actively monitored by Netflix staff and any replies will not be answered.

----------------------------

How's that for customer service?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Aug 13 - 12:15 PM

Made sense to me?? Click the link, don't click Reply?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 14 Aug 13 - 08:27 AM

Just received this email from a mate of mine:



A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them...

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"               

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
















































Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.




LOL!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Aug 13 - 07:21 AM

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written... For 95 points:    Which tire?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Aug 13 - 07:48 PM

Likewise, once upon a time, Groucho Marx was interviewing a medium. He asked, "Can I ask you *anything*?" "Anything," said the medium, "Nothing is hidden from the spirit world." "What's the capital of North Dakota?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Aug 13 - 08:57 PM

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came along too close and completely tore off the driver's door. A cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to speak, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any auto body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "You don't even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Aug 13 - 03:02 PM

OK, since this is a true story, it takes a little setting up. And you have to be familiar enough with Family Guy to remember that certain electronic music is associated with gays dancing.

So I'm walking by my adult son's room as he's getting ready to get into the shower, and when I stop to chat he goes into a stripper routine and goes thump thump electronically at the same time. I say, I see that you're being a stripper, but why the gay music? He looks at me like I'm an idiot and says, Because I'm a stripper.

That's when it dawned on me...


...he wasn't cross-undressing.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Aug 13 - 10:04 AM

"Breaking It Off"

Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee
that he had to break off their engagement so
he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman
asked between sobs.

"Not on her best day," he replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

"No, she's broke."

"Well, then, is it sex?"

"Nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what can she do that I can't?"

"Uhh . . . Sue me for child support."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Aug 13 - 06:38 PM

"Strange Collar"

An old Jewish man was once on the subway, and he sat
down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young
man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never
seen a priest before, he asked the man,

"Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on
backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered,
"I wear this collar because I am a Father."

The Jewish man thought a second and responded, "Sir,
I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why
do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the
Father for many."

The Jewish man quickly answered, "I too am the father
of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many
grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like
everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated
thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the Father for
hundreds and hundreds of people."

The Jewish man was taken aback, and was silent for a
long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he
leaned over to the priest and said,

"Err . . .   Mister, perhaps, you should wear your pants
backwards."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Sep 13 - 09:32 AM

"This Bull Reproduced..."

This couple went to an agricultural show way out in the
countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and were watching the
auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announced the first bull to be
auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced
sixty times last year."

The wife nudged her husband in the ribs, and commented,
"See! That was more than five times a month!"

The second bull was now to be sold: "Another fine specimen.
This wonder reproduced a hundred twenty times last year."

Again the wife bugged her husband: "Hey, that's some
ten times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband was getting really annoyed with this
comparison.

The third bull was up for sale: "And this extraordinary
specimen reproduced three hundred sixty-five
times last year!"

The wife slapped her husband on the arm and yelled,
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about
YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yelled back,
"Sure, once a day!....... But ask the auctioneer if
they were all with the same cow!!!"

------------------

"Vet's Pills"

A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but needed
to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who
lent the money came by a week later to see how his
investment was doing. The farmer complained that "The bull
just eats grass and won't even look at the cows." The
banker suggested that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returned to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looked very pleased: "The bull has serviced all
my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my
neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," said the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," said the farmer, "but they sort of taste
like chocolate."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Sep 13 - 09:59 AM

"The Emotional Male"

One night a wife found her husband standing over their
newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he
stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on
his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight,
amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions
it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms
around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody
can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"

-----------

"The Evolution Of Mom"

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood
also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways
having a second and third child differs from having your
first:

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon
as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as
possible.

-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular
clothes.

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice
pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your
great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and
see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you
remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-
coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's
little bureau.

-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are
clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a
frown--you pick up the baby.

-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten
to wake your firstborn.

-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the
mechanical swing.

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics,
Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and
the dry cleaner.

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter,
you call home 5 times.

-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you
remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only
if she sees blood.

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at
the baby.

-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure
your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Sep 13 - 09:01 AM

"Cutting Class"

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the
hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're
cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like
it's like I really don't like think like that's really
important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like
I don't get anything out of it."

"It's Mrs. Dulls' English class, isn't it?" replied
the smiling teacher.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Sep 13 - 10:55 AM

The past, present, and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Sep 13 - 03:00 PM

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
             These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

            FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
            8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
            ___________________________________________
            FREE PUPPIES
            1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
            ________________________________________________
            FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
            Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound..
            _______________________________________________________
            COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

            ________________________________________________________
            JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
            Must sell washer and dryer £100.
          _____________________________________________________________
            WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
            Worn once by mistake.
            Call Stephanie.
            ___________________________________________________________
            And the WINNER is...FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
            Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
            No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
            (Statement of the Century)
            ___________________________________________________________
            Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
            "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
            ____________________________________________________________
            Children Are Quick
            TEACHER: Why are you late?
            STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
            ____________________________________
            TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
            JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
            __________________________________________
            TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
            GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
            TEACHER: No, that's wrong
            GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
            (I Love this child)
            ____________________________________________
            TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
            DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
            TEACHER: What are you talking about?
            DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
            __________________________________
            TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
            WINNIE: Me!
            __________________________________________
            TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
            GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
            _______________________________________
            TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
            MILLIE: I is..
            TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
            MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
            ________________________________
            TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
            LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
            ______________________________________
            TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
            SIMON: No sir, I don't have to; my Mom is a good cook.
            ______________________________
            TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
            CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
            (I want to adopt this kid!!!)
            ___________________________________
            TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
            HAROLD: A teacher.
            __________________________________

            Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Sep 13 - 09:10 AM

"Adam's Rib"

In Sunday School, they were teaching how
Lord created everything, including human
beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when
they told him how Eve was created out of
one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him
lying down as though he were ill, and said,

"Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded,
"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."


----------------

"Adam and Eve"

When Adam stayed out very late for a few
nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women,"
she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep,
only to be awakened by someone poking
him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam
demanded.

"Counting your ribs."


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