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BS: First Joke Thread of 2013

Joe_F 06 Feb 13 - 10:06 PM
gnu 07 Feb 13 - 06:16 PM
Airymouse 08 Feb 13 - 05:40 PM
Joe_F 08 Feb 13 - 08:41 PM
Mrrzy 14 Feb 13 - 11:59 AM
Ernest 14 Feb 13 - 12:08 PM
Ernest 15 Feb 13 - 09:36 AM
Mrrzy 15 Feb 13 - 11:29 AM
frogprince 15 Feb 13 - 01:35 PM
Dead Horse 16 Feb 13 - 12:03 AM
Michael 16 Feb 13 - 06:13 AM
Georgiansilver 17 Feb 13 - 05:27 AM
Mrrzy 21 Feb 13 - 02:41 PM
MGM·Lion 25 Feb 13 - 02:29 AM
Bert 25 Feb 13 - 04:39 PM
Bert 26 Feb 13 - 08:01 PM
GUEST,mark-s(on the road) 26 Feb 13 - 08:56 PM
John MacKenzie 27 Feb 13 - 07:01 AM
John MacKenzie 27 Feb 13 - 07:03 AM
Uncle_DaveO 05 Mar 13 - 08:56 PM
Peter K (Fionn) 05 Mar 13 - 09:25 PM
Uncle_DaveO 06 Mar 13 - 12:18 PM
Uncle_DaveO 09 Mar 13 - 01:37 PM
GUEST,Dharmabum 10 Mar 13 - 09:42 AM
GUEST,Dharmabum 10 Mar 13 - 09:44 AM
GUEST,999 10 Mar 13 - 11:03 AM
frogprince 10 Mar 13 - 01:27 PM
GUEST,SPB at work 11 Mar 13 - 08:21 AM
GUEST,JTT 11 Mar 13 - 03:15 PM
gnu 11 Mar 13 - 04:34 PM
Pete Jennings 12 Mar 13 - 12:09 PM
Uncle_DaveO 23 Mar 13 - 05:50 PM
GUEST 24 Mar 13 - 02:20 AM
GUEST,owl glass 24 Mar 13 - 09:39 AM
Uncle_DaveO 26 Mar 13 - 09:17 AM
John MacKenzie 26 Mar 13 - 09:33 AM
Uncle_DaveO 03 Apr 13 - 10:01 AM
Mrrzy 08 Apr 13 - 01:14 PM
Jack the Sailor 15 Apr 13 - 09:51 PM
Georgiansilver 16 Apr 13 - 02:29 AM
John MacKenzie 16 Apr 13 - 06:18 AM
Jack the Sailor 21 Apr 13 - 11:24 AM
gnu 30 Apr 13 - 11:34 AM
Uncle_DaveO 04 May 13 - 01:39 PM
Uncle_DaveO 06 May 13 - 09:34 AM
Uncle_DaveO 08 May 13 - 09:49 AM
Uncle_DaveO 12 May 13 - 06:38 PM
Roger the Skiffler 22 May 13 - 06:41 AM
Uncle_DaveO 01 Jun 13 - 11:18 AM
Joe_F 01 Jun 13 - 06:04 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Feb 13 - 10:06 PM

A reporter interviewed Norman Thomas on his deathbed. Thomas was blind and almost deaf.

"How are you, Mr Thomas?"
"Could be worse."
"How could it be worse, Mr Thomas?"
"I might lose my mind."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: gnu
Date: 07 Feb 13 - 06:16 PM

PROPOSED CUTS TO CANADA'S HEALTH SERVICE.

The Canadian Medical Association has weighed in on the Prime Minister's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sight .

Pathologists yelled "Over my dead body!", while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Ottawa.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Airymouse
Date: 08 Feb 13 - 05:40 PM

God and Satan get in to an altercation over a line fence. Finally God says, "Wait a minute Satan, I want to consult my lawyer. Satan says, "You ain't got one."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Feb 13 - 08:41 PM

"I know the police cause you trouble.
They cause trouble everywhere,
But when you die and go to heaven,
There'll be no policemen there." -- "Hobo's Lullaby"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Feb 13 - 11:59 AM

I hear all the folks who ate horsemeat instead of beef are in stable condition...

To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Ernest
Date: 14 Feb 13 - 12:08 PM

a horse is a horse is a horse is a lasagne, of course....


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Ernest
Date: 15 Feb 13 - 09:36 AM

Recently we had a thread about Richard III and what happened to his horse.

Now we know.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Feb 13 - 11:29 AM

I'm trying to give up sexual innuendos for Lent, but it's SO hard!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: frogprince
Date: 15 Feb 13 - 01:35 PM

Hmmm...Mrrzy, I already knew that an innuendo is an Italian suppository; is a sexual innuendo a viagra pill that's administered by sticking it up your butt?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Dead Horse
Date: 16 Feb 13 - 12:03 AM

If you stick viagra up your butt you will become a real hard ar*e.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Michael
Date: 16 Feb 13 - 06:13 AM

Viagra is a tablet (blue and triangular as I learnt in a pub quiz this week) and therefore should be washed down with a stiff drink.

Mike


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Feb 13 - 05:27 AM

The girl in the local store asked me for an example of innuendo.. so I gave her one!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Feb 13 - 02:41 PM

OK, these might be better in a limericks thread, but they made me laugh out loud, and the first one is actually a TRIPLE pun.

Title: Ask No Quarter
A fellow there was, name of Porter
Whose wife was blown up by a mortar.
His nephews and nieces
Helped pick up the pieces
So he gave each small helper a quarter.

(Untitled)
A lady from Budapest, Florrie
Went out in a small boat with Cory.
When he got in her drawers
As she pulled on the oars
He said it was all hunky-dory.

This one I also liked, but it isn't punny:

A condom designer named Newsome
Invented one really quite gruesome.
It was strangely confused
For 'twas meant to be used
By three people instead of a twosome.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 25 Feb 13 - 02:29 AM

Joke told me by my father dating back to the 1911 reforms of the House of Lords, which I still think contains a fine pun


"Do you believe in a Second Chamber?"

"Yes, my husband is a Liberal peer."

~M~


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Bert
Date: 25 Feb 13 - 04:39 PM

Oh NICE ONE MtheGM!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Bert
Date: 26 Feb 13 - 08:01 PM

I don't know why I started a new thread. This certainly belongs here.

Why didn't our local paper carry this news?
Bud accused of watering down their beer

Beer drinkers in the US have filed a $5m (£3.3m) lawsuit accusing Anheuser-Busch of watering down its beer.

How low can you get?

Well, you walk a way from your grocery store
with a six pack of Bud, you can't afford more
But when you get home you must shed a tear
'cos you've bought a pack of the Bud with no beer.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,mark-s(on the road)
Date: 26 Feb 13 - 08:56 PM

A teacher was explaining to the class the importance of using capital letters correctly.

Simple. It's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse or helping your uncle jack off a horse!

Got it?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 27 Feb 13 - 07:01 AM

I was watching Sky Sports and a game from Japan's Premier League. Towards the end of the match, some guys in black clothing rushed on to the pitch and started doing martial arts.

Apparently we were into 3 minutes of ninjary time.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 27 Feb 13 - 07:03 AM

How do you know it's spring in New Jersey? sap buckets start appearing on the telephone poles.....


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Mar 13 - 08:56 PM

"Bird Study"

There is a new very important government study
on just how intelligent crows are.

The State of California found about 200 dead
crows on its highways, and there was concern
that they may have died from avian flu. They
had a bird pathologist examine the remains of
all the crows, and he confirmed the problem
was definitely NOT avian flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows
had been killed by impact with trucks, and only
2% were killed by car impact.

The State of California then hired an ornithological
behaviorist to determine the disproportionate
percentages for truck versus car kill. The
ornithological behaviorist determined the cause
in short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always set up a
lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of
impending danger. His conclusion was that the
lookout crow could say "Cah! Cah!" but he could not
say "Truck."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Peter K (Fionn)
Date: 05 Mar 13 - 09:25 PM

Courtesy of Ken Dodd:

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows. It's never been tried.

..........

Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth.
So why come to see me?
Well I was passing and I saw a light...

..........

This lass was a bit on the thin side. In fact she swallowed a boiled egg once, and four lads left the village.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Mar 13 - 12:18 PM

"Technical Terminology"
{A bit dated but still accurate}

486....The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art....Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete....Any computer you own.

Microsecond....The time it takes for your State-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error...."Hello, I want to buy a computer, and money is no object."

GUI (pronounced "gooey")....What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Computer Chip....Any starchy foodstuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

Keyboard....The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse....An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy....The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive....The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.

Portable Computer....A device invented to force business people to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash....A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User....Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System update....A quick method of trashing all of your current software

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

And lastly, an ominous warning sign, posted on a computer:

I WILL DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU TELL ME TO!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Mar 13 - 01:37 PM

The Most Toys

We've all heard the "Mantra of Capitalism" -- "He who dies with the most toys, wins." How do other isms deal with the philosophy?

Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.

Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Atheism - There is no toy maker.

Anglican - They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox - No, they were ours first.

Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Polytheism - There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.

Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys.

B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.

Amish - Powered toys are surely a sin.

Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.

Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second....

Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.

Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Dharmabum
Date: 10 Mar 13 - 09:42 AM

A Woman's Life~
After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
...
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.

The Maid quit.

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.:)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Dharmabum
Date: 10 Mar 13 - 09:44 AM

A man died and went to heaven, where he met St. Peter sitting at a desk
in the middle of a great hall. On the walls were millions of clocks.

"What are those used for?" he asked. St. Peter said, "There's one of
them for every living person on Earth ticking out the days of their lives."

The newcomer noticed that the hands of some of the clocks were moving
faster than others. "Why do they move at different speeds," he asked.
St. Peter said, "Every time you tell a lie you lose one hour of your
life and your clock speeds up."

The newcomer looked around and then asked, "Do you have one of these for
my congressman?"

St. Peter answered, "Sure! It's in the back room. We use it for a
ceiling fan."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,999
Date: 10 Mar 13 - 11:03 AM

Geography lesson for the day.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: frogprince
Date: 10 Mar 13 - 01:27 PM

999, whoever blew those up needs to get a new air pressure gauge before he accidentally kills somebody.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,SPB at work
Date: 11 Mar 13 - 08:21 AM

School Dinners - Horses for Courses


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 11 Mar 13 - 03:15 PM

Job interview. Interviewer asks: "What is your worst quality?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty's a bad quality."
"I don't give a fuck what you think."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: gnu
Date: 11 Mar 13 - 04:34 PM

WARNING... tasteless and EXTREMELY PI XXX, hmmm.... XXXXXX joke that should only be read by people with a sense of humour.

Answers below. Don't peek.

Two roosters light on a fence.

1. How many legs do they have?
2. How many wings do they have?
3. How many beaks do they have?
 
A cat jumps onto the fence.

4. How many paws does it have?
5. How many ears does it have?
6. How many whiskers does it have?















 
 
1. 4
2. 4
3. 2
4. 4
5. 2
6. *












* You seem to know a lot about cocks but not much about pussy.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 12 Mar 13 - 12:09 PM

Guy suspects his wife is having an affair so he comes home early one day to find out if anything is going on. Finding the lift out of order, he has to run up sixteen flights of stairs to his flat, where he finds his wife on the bed, naked.

Quick search of the flat reveals no-one but out of the kitchen window he can see a bloke running away, pulling his jacket on.

Hopping mad he opens the window, picks up the fridge and throws it out. Splat! A great shot flattens the bloke, but the effort of running up all those stairs and then heaving the fridge out gives him a heart attack and he dies.

Up at the pearly gates, St. Peter's signing in the new arrivals.

"How did you get to be here?", has asks the guy. "Well, after running up a load of stairs and throwing a fridge out of a window, I had a heart attack". "Okay, in you go", say St. Peter, "next!".

"So, how did you get here?", he asks the next bloke.

"Well, I was sitting in this fridge...".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Mar 13 - 05:50 PM

Alcohol Warning Labels

Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion to add more warning labels to their products. Just as the warnings on cigarette packs "rotate" through a variety of cautions, alcohol products will also get one of the following warning notices:



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an obliviot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Mar 13 - 02:20 AM


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,owl glass
Date: 24 Mar 13 - 09:39 AM

Q: What do you and leading politicians have in common?
A: I haven't got the faintest idea.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Mar 13 - 09:17 AM

A New Marine's First Letter Home

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are too.

The Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 5:00 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer that all you do in the Marines before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad -- there's warm water.

A Marine Corps breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

As Marines we're expected to go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some.

The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bullseye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Tammy Gail


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 26 Mar 13 - 09:33 AM

Someone asked me, "Now that you're retired, do you still have a job?"
I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, they said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Apr 13 - 10:01 AM

Health Hazard

With "gun control" in the news so much these days, this one's starting to go around again. It should certainly make you think....

The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that is eighty million. The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.0000188.

The number of physicians in the U.S. is approximately 700,000. The number of accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is approximately 120,000. The number of accidental deaths per physician is 0.1714286.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

Fact: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand. Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Apr 13 - 01:14 PM

What do we say when we are very young and constipated?

We need a poo!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 15 Apr 13 - 09:51 PM

An elderly Irish man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."
:-)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Apr 13 - 02:29 AM

John Mac you just reminded me of another one about the wifey..... My wife to me is a sex object!...... I want sex... she objects!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 16 Apr 13 - 06:18 AM

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S
HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT
MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 21 Apr 13 - 11:24 AM

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do
know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the
electric chair.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: gnu
Date: 30 Apr 13 - 11:34 AM

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?

ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

The Christian Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."

Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.

IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 May 13 - 01:39 PM

Tips for a Happy Marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. She told me never to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" And I said "Dust!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 May 13 - 09:34 AM

"English Bagel"

"Hello Mrs. Miller," said the bearded guy
behind the counter at the bagel shop.

My husband and I looked at him but drew
complete blanks. "I'm sorry, do we know
each other?" I asked.

"Yeah, you was my English teacher."

Leaning over, my husband whispered,
"Good job, Honey, good job."


"Gud Speling"

Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good
spelling. So, when an associate e-mailed
technical documents asking me to "decifer"
them, I had to set him straight.

I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not
an f. In case you've forgotten, spell checker
comes free with your software."

A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be
dephective."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 May 13 - 09:49 AM

"Dormitory Rules"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed
the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for
all male students, so too the male dormitory to
the female students. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined $50 the first time. Anybody
caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur
a hefty fine of $350.

"Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "Err...
How much for a season pass?"

---------------


"The Stork's Function"

Two storks were sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby
stork. Baby stork was crying and crying, and father stork was
trying to calm him, "Don't worry, son. Your mother will
come back. She's only bringing people babies and making
them happy."

The next night, it was father's turn to do the job. Mother and
son were sitting in the nest, son was crying, and mother said,
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now
he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork parents were desperate. Their son
had been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he
returned, and the parents asked him where he'd been all night.
Said the baby stork, "Nowhere in particular. Just scaring
the hell out of college students!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 May 13 - 06:38 PM

Just in time for Mother's Day:

"A Birthday Gift To Grandson"

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday
gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water
pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the
nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom
and said,

"I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how
we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."Oh, I remember...."

---------------------------------

"The Images Of A Mother"

4 years of age:  my Mommy can do anything!

8 years of age:  my Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 years of age:  my Mother doesn't really know quite
*everything.*

14 years of age:  naturally, Mother doesn't know that,
either.

16 years of age:  Mother? Oh, she's hopelessly
old-fashioned.

18 years of age:  that old woman? She's way out
of date!

25 years of age:  well, she might know a little bit
about it.

35 years of age:  before we decide, let's get Mom's
opinion.

45 years of age:  wonder what Mom would have
thought about it?

65 years of age:  I wish I could talk it over with Mom...


-----------------------------


"Heavenly Mother"
{DO take it with a grain of salt, please!!}

A very devout nun dies and goes to heaven. Upon
arrival, she is greeted with ceremony and honor and
told she may immediately have any wish she
chooses while her place is prepared for her.

She humbly and politely replies that she would like
an audience with Holy Mary, if this is possible. Peter
agrees on the spot and escorts her personally to a
little door, hitherto unnoticed in the great vault of the
firmament. He knocks softly. There's a murmured
reply from within, and he opens the door and indicates
to his guest to enter.

Within, sitting in a plain chair is a middle-aged Jewish
woman in the garb of the first century knitting.

The nun sits reverently for some time at Mary's feet
and finally gestures so as to ask a question. Mary looks
up from her knitting and indicates it is OK to ask.

"Reverend Mother, please tell me, you were chosen
from all women to be the mother of God.   You are a
simple Jewish woman, I know.  But if you could, just
give me an inkling of what it felt like when it happened
when Jesus was born?"

With a distant look in her eyes, Mary replies,
"Vell, Ich vaist a Maydel...."  ***

*** "Well, I wanted a girl..."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 22 May 13 - 06:41 AM

Bands coming to the open mic to do 2-3 numbers don't have time or space to set up a drum kit so increasingly they bring a cajon. Last night there were three. The sound man quipped:"If there had been any more we could have held a cajonference".

RtS
(Maybe you hadda been there!)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jun 13 - 11:18 AM

The Golf Nut

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

"So, before I get a box out of my jacket pocket and ask you a life- changing question, it's only fair to warn you: I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too. But, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. "Uhh.. Well..."

He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball...."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F
Date: 01 Jun 13 - 06:04 PM

Q. Who was Aristotle's purple pupil?

A. Alexander the Grape.


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