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BS: First Joke Thread of 2012

Uncle_DaveO 01 Jan 12 - 11:44 AM
MGM·Lion 02 Jan 12 - 12:19 AM
Georgiansilver 02 Jan 12 - 02:43 AM
saulgoldie 02 Jan 12 - 08:27 AM
GUEST,Uncle_DaveO 02 Jan 12 - 09:20 AM
Bill D 02 Jan 12 - 11:13 AM
Bill D 02 Jan 12 - 11:18 AM
Bill D 02 Jan 12 - 11:34 AM
Mrrzy 02 Jan 12 - 11:57 AM
Uncle_DaveO 03 Jan 12 - 10:14 AM
GUEST,Pseudolus at work 03 Jan 12 - 03:22 PM
The Walrus 04 Jan 12 - 08:06 AM
MGM·Lion 06 Jan 12 - 04:30 PM
Uncle_DaveO 09 Jan 12 - 09:34 AM
Uncle_DaveO 14 Jan 12 - 12:52 PM
Spleen Cringe 14 Jan 12 - 05:35 PM
Uncle_DaveO 19 Jan 12 - 12:43 PM
Uncle_DaveO 22 Jan 12 - 08:52 AM
John MacKenzie 22 Jan 12 - 09:06 AM
kendall 22 Jan 12 - 03:32 PM
GUEST,999 24 Jan 12 - 01:52 PM
GUEST,999 24 Jan 12 - 04:20 PM
Bert 25 Jan 12 - 10:01 AM
GUEST,999 25 Jan 12 - 10:57 AM
Wilfried Schaum 26 Jan 12 - 08:22 AM
Uncle_DaveO 26 Jan 12 - 04:49 PM
Helen 27 Jan 12 - 02:22 PM
GUEST,999 27 Jan 12 - 03:59 PM
Mike in Brunswick 28 Jan 12 - 12:16 AM
Dead Horse 28 Jan 12 - 09:08 AM
Jim Dixon 30 Jan 12 - 03:17 PM
Michael 31 Jan 12 - 06:25 AM
Wilfried Schaum 31 Jan 12 - 11:32 AM
John MacKenzie 31 Jan 12 - 12:12 PM
Andrez 04 Feb 12 - 05:32 AM
Andrez 04 Feb 12 - 05:47 AM
Jim Dixon 04 Feb 12 - 12:55 PM
Midchuck 04 Feb 12 - 02:22 PM
Andrez 04 Feb 12 - 10:17 PM
Andrez 05 Feb 12 - 06:34 AM
GUEST,999 05 Feb 12 - 07:03 AM
frogprince 05 Feb 12 - 01:00 PM
MGM·Lion 05 Feb 12 - 01:11 PM
GUEST,spigot 05 Feb 12 - 02:11 PM
Joe_F 05 Feb 12 - 06:12 PM
Andrez 05 Feb 12 - 07:32 PM
Jim Dixon 07 Feb 12 - 10:17 AM
GUEST,DaveA 07 Feb 12 - 05:07 PM
John MacKenzie 07 Feb 12 - 05:19 PM
Georgiansilver 08 Feb 12 - 04:14 AM
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Subject: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 12 - 11:44 AM

"Popular Karen"

My new girlfriend, Karen, got a job at a local
hardware store. "The owner doesn't want us
hanging out with our friends," she said. "If you
stop by, tell them you're my brother."

On my first visit I walked to the customer
service desk and asked the older woman
there, "Is Karen around?"

When she looked at me quizzically, I added,
"I'm her brother."

She smiled. "What a nice surprise. I'm Karen's
mother."


--------------

"Important Signature"

I was signing the receipt for my credit card
purchase when the clerk noticed that I had
never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could
not complete the transaction unless the card
was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was
necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on
the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She
carefully compared that signature to the one
I signed on the receipt.

Luckily, they matched.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Jan 12 - 12:19 AM

Reminded of this historical joke, which goes back to my WWii childhood, by recent rerun of episode of Foyle's War in which the Americans arrived in Hastings in 1942; & also by line quoted on current thread from some versions of Eskimo Nell. There was a range of wartime goods, govt-approved for their patriotic plain austere fitness-for-purpose, marked with a kitemark to signify 'Utility': whence ~~

Utility knickers: one Yank and they're down.

~Michael~


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Jan 12 - 02:43 AM

And of course the 'Utitlity Bra' One yank and it was off...... There are a lot of other bras of course:-

The 'Glass' Bra:- Smash and Grab.
The 'Poor Skyscraper' Bra:- No lift and few stares.
The King Arthur Bra:- Good for one Knight only.
The Postponement Bra:- Off more than it's on!
The Humourous Bra:- Always raises a titter or two.
The Harvest Festival Bra:- All is safely gathered in.
The failed robbery bra:- Poor hold-up and slim pickings.
The lying sod bra:- Conveniently hides the truth.
The unfit bra:- Always looks out of shape.
The gullible victim bra:- Always being ripped off.
The 'Wonder' Bra:- Take it off and wonder where they
went.
The Poor Football Club Bra:- Only two cups and very little support. May be pointless!
The 'Sheepdog' Bra :- Rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
The Sunday Bra:- Much Holier than the others.
The Christmas Bra:- Something to get your Claus into.
The Secret Bra:- Keeps it close to your chest.
The Catholic Bra:- Supports the Masses.
The Presbyterian Bra:- keeps them staunch and upright.
The Baptist Bra:- Makes a mountain out of a molehill.
The Salvation Army Bra:- Lifts the fallen.

Happy New Year all, Best wishes, Mike.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: saulgoldie
Date: 02 Jan 12 - 08:27 AM

At the wedding:

The groom arrives at the altar with a big ole smile. The best man asks him why. He says, "I just had the best blow job of my life!"

The bride arrives at the altar with a similar smile. The lead bridesmaid asks her why. She says, "I just gave the last blow job of my life!"


Saul


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jan 12 - 09:20 AM

"Change"

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's
take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, "You gave me too much money."

I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give
me a dollar bill back."

She sighed and went to get the manager who
asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he
handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry
but they could not do that kind of thing."

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and
75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Jan 12 - 11:13 AM

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100
million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in
gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting
donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon ."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Jan 12 - 11:18 AM

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country...the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Jan 12 - 11:34 AM

It is a slow day in the small Colorado town of Pump Handle and streets
are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is
living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and
lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms
upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs
next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to
the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his
supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local
prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her
"services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel
owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the
traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes
down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the
$100 bill and leaves.


No one produced anything. No one earned anything...
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future
with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works... or should work ... providing the money gets spent in our country!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 12 - 11:57 AM

...and on debts! $100 for new shoes for the hooker would have ruined everything...

Ok, not *quite* 2012...

When the End of the World Arrives, How Will the Media Report It?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Jan 12 - 10:14 AM

"Not Home"

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter,
but often turns to me for advice. Recently, I was
in the shower when he poked his head in to ask,
"What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of
food. Why don't you pretend I'm not home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I hopped
out of the shower to answer it and heard my husband
saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh... what should I feed Lily
for lunch?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,Pseudolus at work
Date: 03 Jan 12 - 03:22 PM

OK, this isn't a joke per se but it really happened and it made me laugh....

The week before Christmas I was having trouble getting my 8 year old twin boys out of bed. So I announced, in as stern a voice as I could fake, "Everyone out of bed or I will let the beatings begin!" To which my son replied, "Seasons Beatings!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: The Walrus
Date: 04 Jan 12 - 08:06 AM

OLD MAN (to Doctor):"Doctor, I want you to lower my sex drive"
DOCTOR: "Mr. Jones, You're 87 - Your sex drive is all in your head"
OKD MAN: "I know... I want it lowered three feet"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 04:30 PM

Have you heard about the girl who was engaged to an Eskimo?





She broke it off.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jan 12 - 09:34 AM

"Quick Thinkers"

Al Capp, creator of the famous comic strip Lil
Abner, was one day invited to a university to
give a lecture to the students.

Before he could begin speaking to the large
group assembled in the auditorium, a very
unkempt-looking student at the back shouted
a vulgar word at him.

The word rung in everyone's ears.

There was a shocked silence but Capp, keeping
his composure, said: "Now that you've given us
your name, what's your question?"

--------

A professor was one day walking along a very
narrow street when he came face to face with
a rival.

The street was too narrow for two to pass.

The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said
haughtily: "I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said:
"I always do."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Jan 12 - 12:52 PM

"Tipping the Blackjack Dealer"

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen
count in his hand were arguing about whether
or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not
the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good
cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do
with it so, why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip
the waiter?"

"Yes."

"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you
cards, so you should tip me."

"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for.
So I'll take an eight."


-----


"At the Department Store"

While at work one day at my department store
I was working hard stocking the shelves. During
this time a lady approached and said, "Excuse
me, sir, but do you work here?"

I replied "Yes", while thinking to myself, 'Nope, it's
just that everyone that works here wants to
dress like me.'"

The lady then told me that she saw an item she
wanted boxed on the shelf but it wasn't out on
display. Next she asked me if it would be to too
much trouble for me to open the box to let her look at
it. Now I'm thinking to myself again, 'You better
buy this, after putting me through all this trouble.'

After opening the box and examining the product
closely she smiled and thanked me for letting her see
the item. I then asked her if she wanted to buy
the item and she said,

"Yes, but do you have one that hasn't been
opened!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Spleen Cringe
Date: 14 Jan 12 - 05:35 PM

Apologies if you've had this one before... it's new to me.

I was walking through the cemetery the other day when I saw a man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" I said.

"No," he replied. "Just taking a shit."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Jan 12 - 12:43 PM

"In a Hospital"

Two little kids are in a hospital lying on stretchers
next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in
here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils
out, and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry
about. I had that done when I was four. They put
you to sleep and when you wake up they give you
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?"

The first kid says, "a circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done
when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Jan 12 - 08:52 AM

"Nursing Homes vs Jail"

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing
homes. This would correct a few things in one motion:

1) Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and
walks.

2) They would receive unlimited free prescriptions,
dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.

3) They would receive money instead of having to pay
it out.

4) They would have constant video monitoring, so
they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed
assistance.

5) Bedding would be washed twice a week and all
clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

6) A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.

7) All meals and snacks would be brought to them.

8) They would have family visits in a suite built for
that purpose.

9) They would have access to a library, weight/fitness
room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...
and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally
recognized entertainment artists.

10) Simple clothing - I.e., shoes, slippers, pjs - and
legal aid would be free, upon request.

11) There would be private, secure rooms provided
for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with
gardens.

12) Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and
radio in their room at no cost.

13) They would receive daily phone calls.

14) There would be a board of directors to hear any
complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights
and protection.

15) The guards would have a code of conduct to be
strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no
charge to protect the seniors and their families from
abuse or neglect.


As for the criminals:

1) They would receive cold food.

2) They would be left alone and unsupervised.

3) They would receive showers once a week..

4) They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would
have to pay $5,000 per month.

5) They would have no hope of ever getting out.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Jan 12 - 09:06 AM

Man phones model shop
Do you have a model of an Italin cruise liner available please?
Yes sir we have one left
Oh good, could you put it on one side for me please?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: kendall
Date: 22 Jan 12 - 03:32 PM

A 300 pound Conservative left a posh restaurant where he had just stuffed himself. On the sidewalk' (Pavement to you Brits) he met a ragged, dirty, homeless man who said, "Sir, can you spare a dollar? I haven't eaten in a week." Lard ass replied,
"I wish I had your will power."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 24 Jan 12 - 01:52 PM

Rec'd in email:

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 24 Jan 12 - 04:20 PM

Rec'd from a friend via e-mail.


My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Bert
Date: 25 Jan 12 - 10:01 AM

The old ones are the best 999. Heard that one way back in the Sixties only it was a Chihuahua.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 25 Jan 12 - 10:57 AM

Thanks, Bert. It was ringing a bell with me, but not too loud or clear. When I rec'd that I like-to-bust a gut laughing about it. I like the idea of numbering the jokes brought up earlier in the thread. Now, there's an opening for someone.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 26 Jan 12 - 08:22 AM

Three octogenarians on a bench in the park ... taciturn ... musing.
Suddenly the first opens up: "Xmas is wonderful." ... long pause ...
Suddenly the second remarks: "Cohabitation is wonderful, too."
... long pause ...
Suddenly the third adds his opinion: "But Xmas is more frequent!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Jan 12 - 04:49 PM

"Season Tickets"

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband
was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst
out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a
classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap
his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his
magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a
season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.


------------------------


"Dating"

A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE!
And to do that, you have to give the woman
something. So when you pick up your date later,
make sure you have some flowers or chocolates
to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more
you give, the more you get!"

So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND
chocolates. She was very flattered and pleased, and
she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She
pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers
through his hair, hoping to give him the best kiss that
he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

"Oh! I am sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you
away."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I am going out to get you
some jewelry!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Helen
Date: 27 Jan 12 - 02:22 PM

I was watching an Australian comedian called Adam Hills on tv the other night. I like this joke, which he said is his favourite joke:

Adam Hills - inflatable joke

There was an inflatable boy who went to an inflatable school, where all the teachers were inflatable, all the students were inflatable, all the buildings were inflatable. He gets into trouble for bringing a pin to school, and the headmaster says, "You've let me down, you've let yourself down, you've let the school down".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 27 Jan 12 - 03:59 PM

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "It would be nice to have another kid". You never hear a guy say " I would like another kick in the nuts". Case closed.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Mike in Brunswick
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 12:16 AM

Guy walks into a bar carrying a box. Inside the box is a little man, about a foot long, playing a tiny piano. He puts the box on the bar and orders a beer. The bartender hears the music coming from the box and asks what's up. The guy says. "Well, I was walking along the beach when all of a sudden a genie pops up and grants me one wish. I was pretty surprised and I had to think fast, but I managed to come up with a wish. But just when I was telling him what it was, a big wave crashed against some nearby rocks. I guess I didn't speak loud enough or enunciate properly, because he misunderstood me. Anyway, hear I am, stuck with a twelve inch pianist."

Mike


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Dead Horse
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 09:08 AM

If we are recycling the old ones -

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the chain broke, it slipped from Claud's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SHIT!" he said.

It took three days to clean up the hall, and Claude was never invited back.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 30 Jan 12 - 03:17 PM

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Michael
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 06:25 AM

AND:- I was going to tell you about the guy who stole my watch but I don't have the time right now.

Mike


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 11:32 AM

- "I hear, you're going to marry your late wife's sister?"
- "Indeed, I am."
- "And do you love her?"
- "Not really, but in my age it's so hard to get used to a new mother-in-law."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 12:12 PM

Did you sleep with my daughter last night, young man?

No sir, not a wink!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Andrez
Date: 04 Feb 12 - 05:32 AM

Texan in Australia.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Cheers,

Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Andrez
Date: 04 Feb 12 - 05:47 AM

Oh and one more for the road.

Why Did the Iraqi Chicken cross the Road?

Coalition Provisional Authority:

The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.

Halliburton:

We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.

Muqtada al-Sadr:

The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.

US Army Military Police:

We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.

Peshmerga:

The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.

1st Cav:

The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately
detained and searched in accordance with current SOP's. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.

Al Jazeera:

The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.

Blackwater:

We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.

Translators:

Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.

U.S. Marine Corps:

The chicken is dead

Cheers,

Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 04 Feb 12 - 12:55 PM

George W. Bush: Mission Accomplished.

[Frankly, I didn't find the previous joke very funny, but I find it interesting to know that people make up jokes like that. I'm guessing whoever wrote it has some insider's knowledge of the characteristics of the parties involved.]


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Midchuck
Date: 04 Feb 12 - 02:22 PM

So Feynman and Heisenberg decided to take a road trip together, with Feynman driving and Heisenberg in charge of the map. Every so often Feynman checks with Heisenberg for directions.

"Where are we?"

"Forty three miles out of Tuscon. Take a left at the next exit."

This sort of thing continues for a while, everything's going well, when suddenly Heisenberg points: "Look out! Cop car behind the billboard!"

Feynman glances at the speedometer. "Relax, I'm going 55 miles per hour."

"Oh, way to go, bonehead," says Heisenberg. "Now we're lost."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Andrez
Date: 04 Feb 12 - 10:17 PM

Balance on Earth

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to 'em".

Cheers,

Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Andrez
Date: 05 Feb 12 - 06:34 AM

A Drovers Tale

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."


Cheers,

Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 05 Feb 12 - 07:03 AM

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: frogprince
Date: 05 Feb 12 - 01:00 PM

Andrez, that last one may be a good'n, but some of us definitely need a translator. : )


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 05 Feb 12 - 01:11 PM

"In Australia. ..... Root (verb and noun) : synonym for f*ck in nearly all its senses: "I feel rooted"; ..." ~~

online Oz Slang Dictionary. Easy to google. So I take it that Andrez's joke paltered with the meanings/pronunciations of 'route/root'.

Right, Andrez? If so, then 'simples'.

If not, then I'll just shut up & off again down the garden to eat worms...

~M~


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,spigot
Date: 05 Feb 12 - 02:11 PM

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Well, everybody can mash potatoes ...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Feb 12 - 06:12 PM

I think I'm coming down with something. I had a little trouble vomiting this morning.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Andrez
Date: 05 Feb 12 - 07:32 PM

You got it in one MtheGM! Perhaps this one will be a little less ambiguous.

Australian brain transplant joke.

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

Cheers,

Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 07 Feb 12 - 10:17 AM

A liberal Muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known atheist.

"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!"

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.

"How old is this rock, pinhead?"

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied: "4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian."

"Wrong. It's been 6,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real, then it should be an animal now."

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of The Origin of Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears—the same tears liberals cry for the "poor" (who today live in such luxury that most own refrigerators) when they jealously try to claw justly earned wealth from the deserving job creators. There is no doubt that at this point our professor wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a sophist liberal professor. He wished so much that he had a gun to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself had petitioned against them!

The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior. An eagle named "Small Government" flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.

Semper Fi.
p.s. Close the borders.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,DaveA
Date: 07 Feb 12 - 05:07 PM

Seeing Andrez' even handed approach to Aussie/Kiwi relationships has moved me to document the equal opportunity butcher in Auckland who pastes lambs tongues to his shop window for women to rub against!!

It was the first new Sheep joke I'd heard in 20 years


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 07 Feb 12 - 05:19 PM

Micky Mouse was trying to divorce Minnie, but the judge said that insanity wasn't valid grounds for divorce.
Mickey said, "I never said she was insane, I said she was fucking Goofy"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 Feb 12 - 04:14 AM

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?" You'll love the answer... The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."


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