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Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!

24 May 99 - 01:33 PM
The Shambles 24 May 99 - 01:32 PM
catspaw49 24 May 99 - 01:13 PM
24 May 99 - 12:41 PM
danl 24 May 99 - 07:58 AM
danl 24 May 99 - 07:09 AM
Banjer 24 May 99 - 06:40 AM
Rick Fielding 23 May 99 - 11:01 PM
catspaw49 23 May 99 - 09:22 PM
Lonesome EJ 23 May 99 - 04:12 PM
Banjer 23 May 99 - 02:07 PM
Clarence (mawinlaw) 23 May 99 - 12:15 PM
Alice 23 May 99 - 10:19 AM
Banjer 23 May 99 - 09:14 AM
Banjer 23 May 99 - 04:22 AM
bseed(charleskratz) 23 May 99 - 03:02 AM
Rick Fielding 22 May 99 - 11:51 PM
Alice 22 May 99 - 11:44 PM
Alice 22 May 99 - 11:37 PM
Alice 22 May 99 - 11:35 PM
Alice 22 May 99 - 11:32 PM
Alice 22 May 99 - 11:31 PM
Banjer 22 May 99 - 08:40 PM
puzzled 22 May 99 - 08:27 PM
Banjer 22 May 99 - 08:00 PM
Banjer 22 May 99 - 07:56 PM
LEJ 22 May 99 - 07:05 PM
BK 22 May 99 - 03:08 PM
Rick Fielding 22 May 99 - 02:53 PM
BK 22 May 99 - 02:48 PM
Banjer 22 May 99 - 02:26 PM
Rick Fielding 22 May 99 - 02:26 PM
Roger in Baltimore 22 May 99 - 02:21 PM
LEJ 22 May 99 - 02:12 PM
bbc 22 May 99 - 01:29 PM
MichaelM 22 May 99 - 01:13 PM
The Shambles 22 May 99 - 01:13 PM
katlaughing 22 May 99 - 12:07 PM
Roger in Baltimore 22 May 99 - 11:36 AM
Alice 22 May 99 - 11:06 AM
Moonchild 22 May 99 - 10:59 AM
Cuilionn 22 May 99 - 09:50 AM
bbc 22 May 99 - 08:59 AM
Margo 22 May 99 - 08:45 AM
bbc 22 May 99 - 08:29 AM
Penny S. 22 May 99 - 05:44 AM
The Shambles 22 May 99 - 05:35 AM
The Shambles 22 May 99 - 05:34 AM
The Shambles 22 May 99 - 05:14 AM
Rick Fielding 22 May 99 - 04:28 AM
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From:
Date: 24 May 99 - 01:33 PM

I'm sorry!! I just cut it out of my e-mail and pasted it here. I had no idea. Let me see if I can clean it up. I think it might be worth the trouble.

Annap


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: The Shambles
Date: 24 May 99 - 01:32 PM

It's The Attack Of The Killer Vees.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 May 99 - 01:13 PM

>>Just>>what in t>>he>>everlast>>ing hell is>> goin>>>>g >>on>>>> with th>>e>>>>>Tont>>>>o effe>>ct>> here>>?>?>?>?>>>?

ca>t>>>s>pa>>w


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From:
Date: 24 May 99 - 12:41 PM

This is really annap. Hope you all had a great weekend. Do any of you sleep?? Wonderful thread!!

> > This was nominated "best email of 1997". A telephonic exchange > > between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, > > which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic > Review..... > > > > Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees" > > Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service" > > RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" > > G : "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" > > RS: "Ow July den?" > > G : "What??" > > RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?" > > G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled > > please." > > RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" > > G : "Crisp will be fine" > > RS: "Hokay. An San tos?" > > G : "What?" > > RS: "San tos. July San tos?" > > G : "I don't think so" > > RS: "No? Judo one toes??" > > G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo > > one toes' means." > > RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish > > mopping we bother?" > > G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' > > > Fine. > > Yes, an English muffin will be fine." > > RS: "We bother?" > > G : "No..just put the bother on the side." > > RS: "Wad?" > > G : "I mean butter...just put it on the side." > > RS: "Copy?" > > G : "Sorry?" > > RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" > > G : "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." > > RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease > > > baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and > > copy....rye??" > > G : "Whatever you say" > > RS: "Tendjewberrymud" > > G : "You're welcome" >


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: danl
Date: 24 May 99 - 07:58 AM

hmm. that didnt work too well did it. never mind, if you ignore all these >>> things its not too bad. sorry about that.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: danl
Date: 24 May 99 - 07:09 AM

the below is actualy not too sick or perverse, i have been sent some very amusing but frankly rather foul emails which i MIGHT share depending on just how far this thread goes. the below is still funny though! tee hee hee

love ivy b.

>An anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or > >rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are > >exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to > >waste or is deadly at Scrabble. > > > >Dormitory Dirty Room > > > >Evangelist Evil's Agent > > > >Desperation A Rope Ends It > > > >The Morse Code Here Come Dots > > > >Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em > > > >Animosity Is No Amity > > > >Mother-in-law Woman Hitler > > > >Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's > > > >Alec Guinness Genuine Class > > > >Semolina Is No Meal > > > >The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet > > > >A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place > > > >The Earthquakes That Queer Shake > > > >Eleven plus two Twelve plus one > > > >Contradiction Accord not in it > > > > > >This one's truly amazing: > > > >To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind > >to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. > > > >And the Anagram: > > > >In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, > >Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten." > > > > > >"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." > >Neil Armstrong > > > >The Anagram: > > > >"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! > >On to Mars!" > > > > > >And for the grand finale: > > > >The following phrase is a perfect anagram to start the impeachment > >trial: > > > >PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA > > > >It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter > >only once) into: > > > >TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

tee hee hee!


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Banjer
Date: 24 May 99 - 06:40 AM

The 'Spaw is right!! All of those that feel qualified are asked to raise their right hand, place their left hand on the monitor and read the following:

I, (insert your name), do solemnly affirm that I am SICK and PROUD of it! I further attest that I will continue this practice and work hard to sharpen my skills at sickness and perversity! I will share the fruits of my labors at any opportunity and always defend my right to do so.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 23 May 99 - 11:01 PM

Catspaw, I know I asked folks to keep this one for irony and humour only. No serious stuff - but dammit I'm SO GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK!
rick (a bit embarrassed at the emotion, but fuck it!)


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: catspaw49
Date: 23 May 99 - 09:22 PM

You know, as someone who takes a bit of flak for being whatever I am, I must say that some of you know some really perverse jokes!!! I can't remember jokes to save my ass. Sarcastic rambling is a bit more down my alley. But I gotta' say that Rick really started one here......some of you need to step up and take the "I'm Sick and Proud of It" oath. Y'all are hidin' your lights under the proverbial bushels.

But as I was taking a shower (stall's clean Alice) I got to thinkin' about "Irony" and a song I've been singin' for about thirty years. Considering my recent problems, it suddenly hit me how ironic this thing really was. Not a Talkin' Blues, but kind of a "talker" the song is by one of my favorite people, Patrick Sky. It also occurs to me that I'm a sorta' Pat Sky Juke Box......anyway, I'm sure I've changed a word or two over the years ( and specifically the price, but basically it goes like this:

Now I'm just a plain old country hick,
And I don't mean to make you sick,
But I got a few words that I'd like to say.
It's about this undertaker man
Who told me that he had a plan
To put me in the ground on Lay-A-Way.

Well it all started couple year ago
When I met this Doctor in O-hi-o
Who told me that I really had it bad.
He said, "Son, your veins is turning blue
And Emphysema is a killin' you."
And he said, at most, three months is all I had.

Now friends as you can plainly see,
That scared the HELL right outa' me
And for a month or so I really had the Blues.
Then one fine day I took a look
And sure enough in my phone book
I saw this sign that says,"Come In and Choose."

"Joe's Undertaker's"..We have Lots,
Of Coffins, Grass, and Burial Plots,
We fix faces back the way they came.
Formaldehyde and Alchohol
We'll pickle you, one and all
Black or White, to us you're all the same.

So I went in and sat right down
And pretty soon this man came 'round,
Said he'd like to take some measurements.
So I looks at him and says, "Okay"
He starts measurin' right away,
Measures up 6300 dollars and 19 cents!

Now friends, as you can plainly see,
I'm as healthy as any boy could be.
And that Doctor he just sits and wonders why.
So I look at him and I say, "Doc,"
"I know this comes as quite a shock,
But the truth is, I just can't afford to die."

I look forward to doing this one many more years as I still can't afford to die!!!!

catspaw


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 23 May 99 - 04:12 PM

Three bulls were standing munching some grass. One says" Did ya hear the news? The farmer just bought a new bull, supposed to arrive today."The biggest bull snorts "Well I've got 30 cows in the north 40, and if he thinks he's takin any of em, he's DEAD wrong."The middle sized bull spits out some grass "Well I had to fight YOU for the 10 cows I've got in the south 20, and I ain't given em up." The Littlest bull, horns just barely peekin through says " I finally got a fine pair of cows over by the barn and I MEAN to keep em!"

About this time a tractor-trailer pulls up, the farmer drops the gate, and a 2200 pound bull comes thundering down the ramp,ring in his nose and three feet of horns."You know", says the big bull, "it'd be selfish of me to horde all those cows. I guess I could let the new guy have a couple." The middle bull says "yeah, he seems like a nice guy. I'd split my herd with him seein as how they're so much trouble anyway." They turn to look at the little bull, who is snorting, pawing the ground and glaring at this massive new bull."WHAT in HELL are you DOING?" they shout. Little bull says "I just want him to know I'm a BULL!"

LEJ


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Banjer
Date: 23 May 99 - 02:07 PM

There is one almost as bad that women don't seem to laugh at as loud. It seems this couple, husband and wife, were going to a masquerade party dressed as a bull and a cow. They were driving along the country road to their destination when the car quit. The husband pointed out that they could get where they were going by taking a shortcut across the field. So they donned the rest of their costumes and started out across the field. Halfway there they were spotted by a rather large and amorous bull, heading their way. Said wife to husband, "What are we to do?" Husband replies, "Well, dear, I'm gonna stand here and act like I'm grazing, you better brace yourself!"


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Clarence (mawinlaw)
Date: 23 May 99 - 12:15 PM

My all time favorite joke:

A man wants to buy a farm. A realtor takes him to a farm for sale and it is perfect in every way. The man is ready to sign the contract to purchase when a swarm of bees flies by. The purchaser says "I cannot possibly go through with the deal because I am just terrified of Bees."

The realtor replies,"These are honey bees from the next farm and will not bother you at all. However, I understand your fear and I have a proposition for you. I want you to strip naked and I will tie you to that tree out in the pasture and I will come back for you in the morning. If you have so much as one bee sting on you, I will buy the farm and deed it to you, but if there are no bee stings, we go through with the deal as written."

Well, the man sees a chance to get this beautiful farm for nothing so he screws up his courage, strips down, and lets the realtor tie him to the tree.

The next morning the realtor returns and the man is hanging against the ropes just darned near dead. The realtor shouts, "Oh my God, did the bees sting you?"

The man repllies weakly, "Never mind the bees, but doesn't that calf have a mother?"

Somehow or other, men do not seem to think this joke is as funny as women do. Hmmmmmmm. hahahahahahyukyuk.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Alice
Date: 23 May 99 - 10:19 AM

Irony and Humor... I guess this is the right place.
alice
--------

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?" The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos; I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." "But what then?" The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich; you would make millions." "Millions.. Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play guitar with your amigos."


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Banjer
Date: 23 May 99 - 09:14 AM

Heard about the grocery store bag boy who saw this new piece of equipment being moved into the store. It was set up near the produce department. His curiousity was getting the better of him so he asked his manager what that new device was. His manager told him it was a juce making apparatus, explaining that customers would select the fresh fruit and then take it to the machine's operator to be squeezed. The ULTIMATE in fresh squeezed fruit juices! The lad said that he would like to be the one to operate this machine. His manager had to decline his request with the explanation that 'baggers cannot be juicers'


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Banjer
Date: 23 May 99 - 04:22 AM

Since we're on to dog stories I love Gamble Rogers tale of the fellow that sticks his head into the biker bar and asks who owns the Great Dane that is hitched to the lamp post outside.
A large man stands up and says it is his dog, finest animal he has ever owned, most noble of beasts.
"He's DEAD," says the other fellow, "my dog just killed him!"
"Your dog killed my Great Dane, my Lord, what kind of dog do you own?"
"A Chihuaha"
"A Chihuaha killed my large Great Dane? How did he do that?"
"I believe he got stuck in his throat!!"


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 23 May 99 - 03:02 AM

This is from Art Thieme, off his CD (from memory, so not in Art's exact words).

My dog got his tail caught in a door--cut it right off. He bled to death. His ghost came back and haunted me--wanted his tail back. So I took him to a liquor store--that's where they retail spirits.

--seed


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 22 May 99 - 11:51 PM

Alice, I've got such a stomache ache tonight, I can barely click the mouse - let alone be sardonic or even be a teensy bit funny...but you're makin' me LAUGH OUT LOUD! ....ooooh! the agony! oooooh! the ecstasy!
Rick (who ate too much in Rochester last night)


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Alice
Date: 22 May 99 - 11:44 PM

...notice how we haven't ignored this thread?
alice
-----------
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowdalternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear..."


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Alice
Date: 22 May 99 - 11:37 PM

These ideas about science were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders.

They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that "the most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."

***************

*The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

*When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

*Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

*Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

*Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

*To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

*A monsoon is a French gentleman.

*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

*Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Alice
Date: 22 May 99 - 11:35 PM

CATHOLIC MATH

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch >effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?"

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Alice
Date: 22 May 99 - 11:32 PM

Is There Humor After Death?

REINCARNATION

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "Well what do you do all day," asked Martha. "Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven is really like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha." "Well then where are you?" "I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Alice
Date: 22 May 99 - 11:31 PM

OK, some of you know I have fond (?) memories of being in Catholic school in the 50's and 60's, so, as kat would say, no offense intended.
alice
------

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, were traveling through Europe in their car. They got to Transylvania and were stopped at a traffic light when suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumped onto the hood of their car and hissed at them, through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouted Sister Marilyn, "what shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," said Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switched them on and knocked Dracula about, but he hung on and continued hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" Sister Marilyn shouted. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," said Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turned on the windshield washer. Dracula screamed as the water burned his skin, but he hung on and continued hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouted Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," said Sister Helen.

"OK! - now you're talking," said Sister Marilyn, and she opened the window and shouted, "Get the **** off our car!"


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Banjer
Date: 22 May 99 - 08:40 PM

Ah, speaking of signs, I often wonder about the sign in our local grocery emporiums:

SHIRT AND SHOES REQUIRED!

Does that mean pants and hat are optional?


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: puzzled
Date: 22 May 99 - 08:27 PM

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.

And since we got into a little heat between USA and England in the guns thread i include this here for comic relief. Signs actually seen in England ... ( that's if you can believe all the email you get )

Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Sign in a Japanese hotel: SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS

Sign in Egyptian hotel: IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, "ROOM SERVICE!"


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Banjer
Date: 22 May 99 - 08:00 PM

As an afterthought that last line could read, "only one of them is mine, the other belongs to the banjo (or bodhran, tiple, accordian or other instrument) player that rented the basement!"


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Banjer
Date: 22 May 99 - 07:56 PM

A young feller well versed in the art of real estate sales went into an office in a very rural part of the country and asked for a job. The owner of the firm told him he had no openings at the time. The fellow argued that he couldn't afford not to hire him, that he would make him a very rich man. "OK," replied the owner,"I have listed a piece of property that I have been unable to move for five years. If you can sell it within a week, you have a job for life!"

Five days went by and the young feller reappeared with a signed contract, the property, an old wooden two seater outhouse on a half acre of land had been sold!

A week went by and as the new member of the firm was driving out to see another prospective buyer he noticed two TV antennas on the outhouse he had sold last week. Curiousity got the better of him, he stopped and knocked on the door of the outhouse. Its new occupant answered the door. "Why do you have two TV antennas on this small building" The owner replied, "Oh only one of them is mine, you see I rented out the basement to another feller!"


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: LEJ
Date: 22 May 99 - 07:05 PM

Guy walks up to Ranger Bob and says" I wanted to go fishing on Big Bear Lake, so I found an Indian guide in town who had a sign on his place that said Catch your Limit of Walleye Guaranteed . We went out to the middle and this guide, Ralph Runningdeer, opens his tacklebox and pulls out a stick of dynamite. He lights it off his cigar and throws it in the lake. Six seconds later the boat jumps a foot in the air and a dozen Walleye come floatin to the surface, along with 7 or 8 Bluegill, a catfish and a rubber tire." The Ranger frowns and promises he'll put an end to this.

The next day Ranger Bob dons a clever disguise, positions his assistant Ranger Bill in the bushes by the Lake with a videocamera, and charters Ralph Runningdeer to take him fishing. Sure enough, they get to the middle of the lake and Ralph opens his box to produce a stick of dynamite with a short fuse."Hold it right there,Ralph" says Ranger Bob." I am a US Forest Ranger and I have a man in the bushes filming you right now. You are under arrest." Ralph stares at the Ranger about 5 seconds, calmly lights the fuse off his cigar and hands the dynamite to Bob.

"Ranger Bob," says Ralph," do you wanna talk or fish?"

LEJ


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: BK
Date: 22 May 99 - 03:08 PM

How about "aggie" jokes?

How many aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? Answer: three; one to eat the armadillo, one to watch the highway each direction.

Why don't they serve ice water at A&M anymore? The senior with a recipe finally graduated.

Aggie jokes are great because you don't have to pick on any specific racial or ethnic group; you can pick on them all equally because anybody can be an aggie nowadays, all you have to do is get admitted to Texas A&M university. No longer it is the student body almost exclusively white and male, and not all are in the cadet corps. In fact men and women of any race or religion can now be admitted to Texas A&M. They even let blondes into that school, and once they are aggies, they needn't be the victims of "blonde jokes." (have to be careful - I'm married to a blond!)

Cheers, BK


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 22 May 99 - 02:53 PM

Ahh, that's the spirit. Now in another thread, that might get someone's religious dander up, but here in the "questionable humour" sanctuary, they can just haul off and give you a (metaphysical) pie in the faith!


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: BK
Date: 22 May 99 - 02:48 PM

I thought that was the Unitarian dyslexic insomniac, trying to figure out if, indeed, there is a Dog?

Cheers. (the slightly off-center typical/atypical, - oh, who cares? - don't know that answer either, - Unitarian), BK


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Banjer
Date: 22 May 99 - 02:26 PM

Is that the fellow that was up all night trying to understand dog?


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 22 May 99 - 02:26 PM

Well? (delivered in an ironic tone of voice)


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Roger in Baltimore
Date: 22 May 99 - 02:21 PM

NO!


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: LEJ
Date: 22 May 99 - 02:12 PM

Have you heard the one about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: bbc
Date: 22 May 99 - 01:29 PM

I like it, Michael! Now, my son will have both halves of the joke & *he'll* be able to tell it right!

bbc


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: MichaelM
Date: 22 May 99 - 01:13 PM

The Dalai Lama hot dog joke (make me one with everything) has a second half. The Dalai Lama gives the hot dog vendor $10. The hot dog vendor hands him the hot dog, pockets the money and turns away. The Dalai Lama objects, saying, "Hot dogs are only $3. Where's my change?" The vendor replies "Change must come from within".

Michael


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: The Shambles
Date: 22 May 99 - 01:13 PM

Our friend Musicman sent me this.

I have a selling checker,
it came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
your sure reel glad two no
it's vary polished init's weight,
my checker tolled me sew.
To rite with care is quite a feet,
of witch won should be proud.
And we mussed dew the best we can,
sew flaws are knot aloud.
And now bee cause my spelling
is checked with such grate flare,
their are know faults with in my cite
OF NONE eye am a wear.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 May 99 - 12:07 PM

The Make Me One With Everything is on a tshirt at Northern Sun Mechandising!

Got these off the net about a year ago:

Why ask why?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed would milk come out her nose?

If nothing else sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why is it when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on airplanes, why can't they make the plane out of the whole substance?

Why do noses run and feet smell?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?

THANKS, RICK....GREAT THREAD!

Kat


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Roger in Baltimore
Date: 22 May 99 - 11:36 AM

Rick,

Be alert, lerts have more fun!

RiB


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Alice
Date: 22 May 99 - 11:06 AM

Ok, now, are you daring to get me started again with the jokes like on the "cheer me up PLEASE" thread?
I could go on forever, and you will end up begging me to stop. Here goes:

Vocabulary Builders

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa dek' strus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet yoo a' shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum cleaner one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or on an airplane.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyoo lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even if you're only six inches away from it.

alice


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Moonchild
Date: 22 May 99 - 10:59 AM

How do you catch a unique fish?

You 'neak up on him.

How do you catch a tame fish?

Tame way, you 'neak up on him.

moonchild


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Cuilionn
Date: 22 May 99 - 09:50 AM

Mak me ane wi' th' wiarks...wuidnae that be mair o' a Catholic approach?

--Cuilonn, whae finds hersel' wantin' a guid hot dog th' noo, an' 'tis anely 8:00 in th' mairnin'!


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: bbc
Date: 22 May 99 - 08:59 AM

I love it! Reminds me of the knock-knock banana joke. You say who's there--banana many times & then say "Orange you glad I stopped saying banana?!" Simple jokes are the only ones that stay in my (apparently simple) head!

bbc


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Margo
Date: 22 May 99 - 08:45 AM

Of course! It reminds me of the one where the guy asks the genie from the lamp to make him a malted. The genie waves his hand and says: You're a malted.

I'm sorry, but I really like jokes that are simple and that you can tell to children (must be my inner child) like:

Q: What happened when all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again?

A: They took him to a shell station!

HaHaHa :o)

Margarita


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: bbc
Date: 22 May 99 - 08:29 AM

OK, I'm going to post my current favorite joke; probably no one will get it. The funniest part for me, though, was my mis-telling of it. It's a 1-liner, told to me by my older son.

The Dalai Lama goes up to a hotdog vender & says, "Make me one with everything!"

I thought that was pretty good. As I was rehearsing it in my mind to share w/ my friends, it came out, "Give me one w/ the works!" Just not quite the same, folks!

best from NY,

bbc

P.S.--Did anybody get it?


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Penny S.
Date: 22 May 99 - 05:44 AM

So will I


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: The Shambles
Date: 22 May 99 - 05:35 AM

And will continue to do so.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: The Shambles
Date: 22 May 99 - 05:34 AM

So I have ignored this thread, as instructed.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: The Shambles
Date: 22 May 99 - 05:14 AM

Rick says.

"(jokes take an alert mind)".

Well that cuts me out of this one then.


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Subject: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 22 May 99 - 04:28 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


Upon looking at some of my postings in the "religious Knockers", and "Guns-R-Us" threads I fear I have been somewhat rude to Hank, Tucker and Fayduk. If not actually rude, at least a mite sarcastic - and for that I apologise. It occurred to me that others may also at times reach that point where they feel that rational argument has become hopless in certain quarters, and just lose control momentarily. Perhaps this thread can help -or maybe it'll disappear faster than a plate of brownies.
All I ask is that we vent with humour alone! Maybe a bit of sardonic wit, or an ironic aside. Perhaps a song parody, stuff like that. Nothing personal, no name calling, just humour and irony. Something to blow off steam. Use it for any thread that has you flummoxed, ie. some "traddie" has just told you that your hero, Bob Dylan can't play guitar and chew gum at the same time! Don't get mad. Don't even get even! Come here and get funny! I personally am in the process of preparing an editorial for all those liberals entitled: "As long as the Red White and Red flies over Canada, you'll never take my guitars away!" I just drove back from a concert in Rochester and I'm too tired to write it now.(jokes take an alert mind)

P.S. I actually found about 90% of the gun threads to be interesting and damn thought provoking, and I'm glad folks feel comfortable enough around here to be so candid with such a difficult issue. So saying, I hope that's the last serious thing that gets said here
Rick


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