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Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!

katlaughing 01 Jun 99 - 12:01 AM
No Offense Intended 31 May 99 - 11:09 PM
Roger in Baltimore 31 May 99 - 12:19 AM
Marc Feingold 30 May 99 - 10:34 PM
bseed(charleskratz) 30 May 99 - 09:49 PM
darkriver 30 May 99 - 09:36 PM
Art Thieme 30 May 99 - 02:55 PM
Alice 29 May 99 - 08:19 PM
bseed(charleskratz) 29 May 99 - 05:47 PM
Art Thieme 29 May 99 - 05:27 PM
Alice 29 May 99 - 12:06 PM
katlaughing 28 May 99 - 12:25 PM
manylodges (inactive) 28 May 99 - 12:47 AM
katlaughing 27 May 99 - 07:22 PM
Bert 27 May 99 - 04:47 PM
Allan C. 27 May 99 - 04:46 PM
annamill 27 May 99 - 04:35 PM
Banjer 27 May 99 - 06:32 AM
Roger the zimmer 27 May 99 - 06:14 AM
bseed(charleskratz) 27 May 99 - 03:19 AM
Barbara 27 May 99 - 01:47 AM
catspaw49 27 May 99 - 12:08 AM
Bri 26 May 99 - 07:40 PM
JZG 25 May 99 - 07:35 PM
Banjer 25 May 99 - 07:22 PM
Terry 25 May 99 - 07:03 PM
25 May 99 - 06:46 PM
Roger in Baltimore 25 May 99 - 06:36 PM
John OSh 25 May 99 - 05:58 PM
Alice 25 May 99 - 04:13 PM
Bert 25 May 99 - 03:57 PM
Cara 25 May 99 - 03:43 PM
Steve Latimer 25 May 99 - 01:23 PM
Bert 25 May 99 - 12:49 PM
25 May 99 - 11:57 AM
Allan C. 25 May 99 - 10:50 AM
Bill D 25 May 99 - 02:37 AM
catspaw49 24 May 99 - 10:46 PM
Alice 24 May 99 - 09:33 PM
Jeri 24 May 99 - 08:31 PM
Roger in Baltimore 24 May 99 - 08:13 PM
LEJ 24 May 99 - 06:46 PM
Indy Lass 24 May 99 - 04:11 PM
Bert 24 May 99 - 03:50 PM
24 May 99 - 03:35 PM
The Shambles 24 May 99 - 03:10 PM
Bert 24 May 99 - 01:57 PM
24 May 99 - 01:46 PM
24 May 99 - 01:43 PM
Rick Fielding 24 May 99 - 01:39 PM
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: katlaughing
Date: 01 Jun 99 - 12:01 AM

NOI!! I am LMAO!


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: No Offense Intended
Date: 31 May 99 - 11:09 PM

This topic is outdated, but might be funny for those downunder:

Given the sudden emergence of the One Nation Party as a political force in Australia, the government has indicated that all universities should go about estimating the number of One Nation voters in their student catchment, as a potentially new equity group (the "morally embarrassed"). To assist in this task the Australian Bureau of Statistics has just released a relevant demographic profile, stated in a form that can be added as a question directly to university's enrolment forms. Please action as appropriate.

"Please cross out the incorrect response: I am / am not a redneck.

As a guide to respondees, you can say that you are a redneck if: ... your bicycle has a gun rack ... you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it ... your mother keeps a spittoon on her ironing board ... the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day ... you think prime entertainment is a sixpack of beer and a bug zapper ... the directions to your house include 'turn off the paved road' ....* your richest relatives just bought a new house and you helped take the wheels off ...** hailstorm hits your house and you have to take it to the body shop for an estimate ...* you have curtains in your truck but not in your house ... the window on the passenger side of your car is a "hefty" bag .. you have a denim leisure suit." *

Please feel free to complete this questionnaire and send to Pauline

-----Original

ONE NATION MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION

=======================================

Name: ________________

(_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Polly

(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

(_) Dirt Farmer

(_) Dirt Producer

(_) Dirt Eater

(_) Fish and Chip Shop Owner

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

(_) Sister (_) Brother

(_) Aunt (_) Uncle

(_) Cousin (_) Mother

(_) Father (_) Son

(_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name:_______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure,leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ bathroom

____ kitchen

____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_) The Truth (_)Exposure

(_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest

(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

(_)Weekly

(_)Monthly

(_)Not Applicable

Colour of teeth:

(_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow

(_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man

(_)Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile

(_)2 miles

(_)what's a 'peved road'?

What do you admire most about Pauline?

(_) her policies

(_) her her skill with interviewers

(_) her hair-do

(_) the fact that she says just what I think I want to say when I want to say or think what to say ... what was the question again?

IF YOU HAVE BEEN ABLE TO ANWARE THIS QUESTIONNAIRE THEN YOU ARE FAR TOO LITERATE FOR OUR ORGANISATION - SO PISS OFF!

IF YOU HAVEN'T MANAGED TO GET THIS FAR THEN YOU'RE THE ONE FOR US AND SO SEND YOUR APPLICATION TO PAULINE C/- PAULINE'S FISH SHOP, IPSWICH.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Roger in Baltimore
Date: 31 May 99 - 12:19 AM

Marc,

You have buried two requests in an unrelated thread. I see you did finally post for "Morning Again." And you received a quick reply. I have started a thread entitled Loudon Wainwright III's First 2 Albums to help with the second request.

Welcome to the Mudcat. Specific requests do best on specific threads. Many of us Mudcatters do not read every thread. Instead, we read the one's that interest us or one's we feel we have an answer for. That's the best way to get our attention, a specific thread with the specific request in the title.

Roger in Baltimore


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Subject: Tom Paxton's "Morning Again"
From: Marc Feingold
Date: 30 May 99 - 10:34 PM

Does anyone out there have the lyrics to "Morning Again" by Tom Paxton? I cannot find this anywhere and would be forever greatful. My email address (if you got the goods) is: feingold@att.net) I'm including this email address because I'm a novice at the internet and don't want to venture a bet that I'll find myself back at this forum in the near future unless I trip over it.

Also -- does anyone know if Loudon Wainwright III's first two LPs are available anywhere...? And/or if they've made it to CD yet? (There would be the one's that came out prior to "Dead Skunk")


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 30 May 99 - 09:49 PM

Darkriver, you have a creepy sense of humor--and I love it. --seed


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: darkriver
Date: 30 May 99 - 09:36 PM

Warsaw (UPI)--Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

-30-


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Art Thieme
Date: 30 May 99 - 02:55 PM

A tale:

A Pacific Northwest tribe is said to have captured bigfoot. They burnt him at the stake and the sparks that flew into the air from that fire turned into mosquitos. And they've been biteing the people ever since!

Art


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Alice
Date: 29 May 99 - 08:19 PM

No, seed, but he and his brothers live next door. :)


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 29 May 99 - 05:47 PM

And Alice, the Weekly World News' current issue claims that a bigfoot has been captured alive in Montana. Was he chasing any of your friends? --seed


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Art Thieme
Date: 29 May 99 - 05:27 PM

Alice,

That's amazing!!!

Cajun cook, Justin Wilson tells of a fellow from the bayou asking him one day, "Where on the female body is the place called THE YET???" He told the man he had no idea what part of the body would be "the yet"---and he asked the man why did he want to know. The man said, "No real reason, but this newspaper article I'm reading says a woman was shot yesterday and the bullet is IN HER YET !"

Alice, I'd refrain from telling your story in Louisiana if I were you!

Affectionately,

Art


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Alice
Date: 29 May 99 - 12:06 PM

THE YETI

An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly halfway up the side of the mountain, a member of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow. "Yeti tracks," the sherpa said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; do not, under any circumstances, touch the yeti."

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope. Night fell, and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night, the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half-asleep, he looked up to see an enormous eight-foot yeti standing above him.

In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.

Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Horrified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it -- somehow the yeti had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight-foot tall yeti towered above the man, who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and in a low rumbling voice the yeti said, "Tag! You're it!"


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: katlaughing
Date: 28 May 99 - 12:25 PM

Read in Reader's Digest this month:

A young Scotman left home to live on his own for the first time. When his parents phoned after a few weeks to ask how he liked living in his flat, his mother asked what his neighbours were like.

He said they were a bit strange, as the man on one side kept banging his head against the wall, while the woman on the other side kept crying and moaning.

His mother told him to keep to himself and never mind about such things.

He said, "Oh, I do. I just stay in my room and play my bagpipes all day!"

kat


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: manylodges (inactive)
Date: 28 May 99 - 12:47 AM

catspaw49 How do you know when an elephant is having a period? When you wake up in the morning and find a quarter on your dresser and your matress is missing.

A lady has a parrot she purchaced from an adopt a pet program. She puts the parrot on a beutiful perch in her bedroom. when she starts to take her top off, the parrot straiten up. when she removes her braw, the parrot says "nice boobs" she grabs the parrot and takes him down stairs and puts him in the freezer for couple of minnets. she then takes him back upstairs and says "now, we'll have no more of that kind of talk." She then unzipps her skirt, and the parrot strains up. When she removes her panties the parrot says " nice a**" She grabs the parrot and heads down stairs and puts him back in the freezer for a full ten minnits. Whe she opens the door to the freezer, the parrot is covered in frost and shivering. She says "now do you have anything to say for yourself." He says " yea, what did this turkey do ask you for a blow job."


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: katlaughing
Date: 27 May 99 - 07:22 PM

Actually I saw a fer real study in which a favourite area for bears was sprayed heavily with so-called bear repellent; I think it was either pepper spray or something related. Seems it is to bear, as catnip is to cats. They stated it would probably work if aimed right in the face, but spraying it on one's body or one's children as a "repellent" would merely attract the bears, making them want to roll around on you, lap at your clothes and most likely maul you like a cat does a mouse!

kat


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Bert
Date: 27 May 99 - 04:47 PM

But ALL my brain cells were slow and weak!!


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Allan C.
Date: 27 May 99 - 04:46 PM

BEAR ADVISORY

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Santee Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear feces.
Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear feces has little bells in it and smells like pepper.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: annamill
Date: 27 May 99 - 04:35 PM

Hi, This cut and paste again. I hope it works this time. annap

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.

Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be!


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Banjer
Date: 27 May 99 - 06:32 AM

The chalk mark awakens another story!!!

It seems these two fellows, not among the higher IQ set, had rented a boat to go fishing. Their day was a huge success, catching the limit on everything. As they were rowing back to shore one said to the other, "We should have marked that spot so we can find it again next time."
His partner replied, "I'm way ahead of you, I put a mark on the side of the boat!"
Came the retort, "Well that was stupid, what if we don't get the same boat next time?"

Or this one:

Two boys had inherited a very small farm on the passing of their father and they decided that they would split everything evenly. There were two horses, and it was decided that in order to identify ownership some sort of distiguishing mark should be used. The one lad said, "Let's crop the tail of one so that we can tell them apart!"
Good Idea!" Said the other.
The chore having been accomplished, the two were walking back toward the house when one turned and looked back. He said to his brother, "You know, we didn't have to crop the tail on that horse, the white one stands a whole head taller than the black one!"


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Roger the zimmer
Date: 27 May 99 - 06:14 AM

The Pat & Mike joke I remember my Irish grandfather telling me was as corny as the rest: Pat & Mike were arranging to meet in town.
"How will I know if I've missed you or not?"
"If I get there first I'll put a chalk mark on the wall and if you get there first you can rub it off"
It amused me at the time but then I must have been 8 or younger!


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 27 May 99 - 03:19 AM

Ron Thomason of the Dry Branch Fire Squad came up with a couple for the banjo jokes list: talking about their cds and other stuff for sale at intermission--"Also we've got our brain shield hats over on the table. Wear one and you can look a banjo player right in the eye without losing even a point off your IQ." [as best as I can remember it}, and [likewise], describing a tedious experience the band had endured: "It was awful...bad enough even to bore our banjo player." --seed


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Barbara
Date: 27 May 99 - 01:47 AM

And then they come down with Toxic Flock Syndrome.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 May 99 - 12:08 AM

Uh, how old are you Bri? Know why God invented sheep? Yeah, that's right, tampax for elephants.

catspaw


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Bri
Date: 26 May 99 - 07:40 PM

Ok, this has to be one of my all time fav. jokes...

Why do ducks have flat feet??

To stamp out burning forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet??

To stamp out burning ducks!!


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: JZG
Date: 25 May 99 - 07:35 PM

What's the difference between a rock?

(A: The more you polish it.)

What's worse than biting an apple and finding a worm?

(A: Biting an apple and finding half a worm.)

And what's worse than biting an apple and finding half a worm?

(A: Getting hit by a train.)


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Banjer
Date: 25 May 99 - 07:22 PM

An older gentleman having recently moved to another part of Ireland where he was not know goes into the local pub and orders three pints of Guiness. He then takes the three pints, finds himself a table and proceeds to drink the pints after tapping them all together and giving a toast. This goes on each night therafter. The innkeeper, bursting with curiousity at this nightly ritual, finaly asks the man, "Why do you perform tis routine each evening?"

The oldtimer explains that in his previous home he and two of his mates had agreed that no matter where any of them moved that they would each drink three stouts a night in their honor. One went to Australia, one moved to Canada and this old timer had relocated here, continuing the agreed upon ritual.

Time passed and one day he came in and ordered only two stouts, taking them to his table and slowly drinking them down. The next night, the inkeeper having noticed the change in routine went to the old man's table and told him he was sorry to see that he was now only getting two pints, and commiserating with the old gentleman on the loss of one of his mates.

"Oh, you've got it all wrong," said the old timer, "all three of us are still very much alive!"

"It's just that I've given up drinking!"


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Terry
Date: 25 May 99 - 07:03 PM

Mary and Annie are sipping tea at a table by the kitchen window when Mary says, "Now, will you look at that, Annie? Here comes your man up the garden path and he's carrying with him a dozen red roses."

"Oh, no!" cries Annie in despair to her friend. "You know what THAT means. He'll expect me to be lying flat on me back, with me legs spread wide apart for a WEEK!"

"Why Annie!" exclaims Mary in horror. "Don't you have a vase?"


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From:
Date: 25 May 99 - 06:46 PM

Oh, that reminds me of another.

An old drunk man falls to the floor of the pub, and the barkeep tellshim he'll have to leave. He can't pull himself up so he drags himself out to the sidewalk and starts pulling himself and crawling to his home. When he gets there, he pulls himself up to his door and opens it, pulls himself in, and crawls into bed and passes out.

Next morning, his wife wakes him rather unfriendly like, and bellows "You've been at the pub again, haven't you??"

He say "how did you know that??"

She says "Well, the bar called and you forgot your wheelchair again!!!"

NOI - apologies to anyone offended.

Love, Anna


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Roger in Baltimore
Date: 25 May 99 - 06:36 PM

An Irishman staggers home from the tavern late one night with a pint of good whiskey in his back pocket. As drunks will do, he stumbles and falls. When he slowly gets up again, he feels some liquid running down the back of his leg. He mutters a short prayer, "Lord, let it be blood."

He finally gets home and his wife is asleep. He goes to the bathroom to assess the damage. Sure enough the pint is OK, but as he pulls down his pants and looks in the mirror he sees several cuts on his rear that are still bleeding. He cleans himself off as best he can and gets some bandaids from the medicine cabinet. He has to use the mirror to see where to put the bandaids, but eventually he is successful at covering the damage and goes off to bed.

The next morning, his wife wakes him up much too early. Shesays, "Ah, you were drunk last night!" He pleads innocence, but she presses on. "Oh, I knew you were drunk as soon as I saw the bandaids on the bathroom mirror!"

NOI toward anyone of the Irish persuasion.

Roger in Baltimore


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: John OSh
Date: 25 May 99 - 05:58 PM

Thought this one was a riot...

An American tourist is sightseeing in Scotland and stops into a pub to get a pint. As he sits at the bar, he sees and old man sitting there, muttering angrily to himself.

Suddenly, the old man looks at the tourist and says to him: "Ye see that stone fence out there."

The tourist replies: "Why, yes, that's a might long stone fence"

"Well" says the old one, "I built it myself, dug up the stones, and laid it out, stone by stone for a mile. And do they call me McGregor the Fence builder! Hell No!"

Taken aback by the oldtimers passionate reply,, the American say "Sorry to hear that."

"And do ye see that big barn across the field" says the old one.

"Mighty big barn" say the American.

"Aye, and I cut down the trees, planed the wood, and built it, plank by plank. And do they call me McGregor the Barn Builder! Hell No!"

"Sorry to hear that." again replies the American.

Then McGregor says "But you have sex with one sheep..."

No offence to any sheep is meant :).


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Alice
Date: 25 May 99 - 04:13 PM

Proverbs re-written by first graders.

A first grade teacher provided his students with the first half of well-known proverbs and asked the kids to complete them. Here are some of the best:

Better to be safe than................punch a 5th grader

Strike while the......................bug is close.

It's always darkest before............daylight savings time

Never underestimate the power of......termites.

You can lead a horse to water but.....how?

Don't bite the hand that..............looks dirty.

No news is............................impossible.

A miss is as good as a................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog............math.

If you lie down with dogs, you........will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust.......................me.

The pen is mightier than..............the pigs.

An idle mind is.......................the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there's.........pollution.

Happy is the bride who................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is......................not much.

Two is company, three's...............The Musketeers.

None are so blind as..................Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not.......spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed.........get a new battery.

You get out of something what you.....see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind.........get out of the way.

There is no fool like.................Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and.....................you have to blow your nose.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Bert
Date: 25 May 99 - 03:57 PM

I'm a Jedi Knight and I'M OFFENDED!!!

Good though.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Cara
Date: 25 May 99 - 03:43 PM

Timely. No offense to any rednecks.

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi Knight If:

1. You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." 2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage. 3. You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. 4. At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored. 5. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. 6. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. 7. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. 8. Wookies are offended by your B.O. 9. You have ever used the force to get yourself another Bud Light so you didn't miss a NASCAR interview with any of the Allisons. 10. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. 11. Your father has ever said to you,"Shoot, son, come on over to the dark side ... it'll be a hoot." 12. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. 13. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. 14. You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. 15. You have the doors of your X-Wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. 16. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. 17. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. 18. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck. 19. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. 20. If you hear: "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle." 21. If you're wife has to ask you to get the Hyperdrive motivator out of the Bathtub. 22. If when addressing the Jedi Council you use "Bubba" for more than half of them.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 25 May 99 - 01:23 PM

Banjer, loved your supermarket joke. It reminded me of an old one that I repeat for the benefit of the few of you who haven't heard it.

A man was the human Cannonball for the circus for twenty five years. One day he goes to the circus owner and says "You have to find another job for me, I'm getting too old to be the human cannonball, my ears hurt from the bang, my bones ache from the landing, my bruises last longer. I'm willing to do anyhting else, juggle, sweep up, sell tickets anything."

The circus owner looks him straight in the eye and says "but where will find someone of your calibre?"

Sorry folks, but I love a really bad joke.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Bert
Date: 25 May 99 - 12:49 PM

Stick with your VAX Anna, at least it has an operating system.

Bert. (on NT. Where oh where has my command line gone?)


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From:
Date: 25 May 99 - 11:57 AM

Ha ha,

Thank you Allen. I didn't know how to get the carriage return in the right place. Sound pretty dumb for a programmer/analyst, huh? I work on vax and stratus minis. I'm painfully unknowledgable about PC's. I'm getting there though.

Annap aka APAVAO


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Allan C.
Date: 25 May 99 - 10:50 AM

Aw heck, Anna! Lets give it one more shot. It is pretty darn good. Anyone who has done much traveling has run into similar conversations. Of course, I would hate to think what my poor attempts at other languages might sound like to those who speak it well...

This was nominated "best email of 1997":
A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G : "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G : "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G : "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G : "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G : "No...just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G : "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G : "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G : "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G : "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome"


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Bill D
Date: 25 May 99 - 02:37 AM

I see I am late getting to this thread due to my recent computer problems...so I will just note my favorite Unitarian hymn..."We Would Rather Not Be Moved"


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 May 99 - 10:46 PM

Roger I love those 90's lists......they are the classic, "T'wouldn't be funny if it weren't true" things. Very painful!!!

catspaw


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Alice
Date: 24 May 99 - 09:33 PM

No offense intended to those of you in law enforcement or Texas.
------

TOP 12 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A PATROL OFFICER

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Jeri
Date: 24 May 99 - 08:31 PM

Is it just me, or has anyone else felt compelled to change channels on the TV periodically so the screen saver doesn't kick in?


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Roger in Baltimore
Date: 24 May 99 - 08:13 PM

Well, here's one for all you "older" Mudcatters.

10 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90'S!!

- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

- You try to enter your password on the microwave.

- You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

- You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

- Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

- You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

- You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

- Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play, called "Rocking to the Oldies"

- You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

Enjoy.

Roger in Baltimore


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: LEJ
Date: 24 May 99 - 06:46 PM

Well APAV, I thought it was quite funny both times!Some of the punctuation was a bit Aggie -nizing.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Indy Lass
Date: 24 May 99 - 04:11 PM

I went to Michigan State. I thought we were the original "aggies." Anyway, you ought to call this thread "The Mudcraic." ;-))


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Bert
Date: 24 May 99 - 03:50 PM

It was BK who started the Aggie jokes. However I used to work in Dallas and I can assure you that they are not jokes, they are all true stories:-)

Bert


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From:
Date: 24 May 99 - 03:35 PM

Oh Bert, I didn't mean to make an 'aggie' joke! If this offended anyone I'm sorry. My friend Victor (actually Cheng-wen) loved it. I thought the fun was in trying to interpret it. I hate ethnic jokes. Again, my apologies.

Annap aka APAVAO


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: The Shambles
Date: 24 May 99 - 03:10 PM

Is it true that, after the praise heaped upon The Full Monty, that in Canada they are making a more risque version, called The Full Mountie?


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Bert
Date: 24 May 99 - 01:57 PM

There are no Aggie jokes.

Bert.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From:
Date: 24 May 99 - 01:46 PM

Ok, ok, ok. RS: = room service, G: = guest. Oh, never mind. It's very funny.....maybe...

L.A.


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From:
Date: 24 May 99 - 01:43 PM

Ok, one more time!! I hope this one comes out better. Annap

This was nominated "best email of 1997". A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic

Review..... Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service" RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish do odor sunteen??" G : "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: "Ow July den?" G : "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G : "Crisp will be fine" RS: "Hokay. An San tos?" G : "What?" RS: "San tos. July San tos?" G : "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G : "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G : "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G : "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G : "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??" G : "Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G : "You're welcome"


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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread!
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 24 May 99 - 01:39 PM

Thanks Paw. I was feeling even stupider than normal, figuring you all knew what this was about.


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