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BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!

Peace 24 Aug 08 - 08:00 PM
The Fooles Troupe 23 Jun 08 - 12:05 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 22 Jun 08 - 09:47 PM
The Fooles Troupe 22 Jun 08 - 08:34 PM
Uncle_DaveO 22 Jun 08 - 09:10 AM
Uncle_DaveO 21 Jun 08 - 09:10 AM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Jun 08 - 09:09 PM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Jun 08 - 09:07 PM
Amos 20 Jun 08 - 06:52 PM
RangerSteve 17 Jun 08 - 03:14 PM
Georgiansilver 17 Jun 08 - 09:38 AM
Mrrzy 17 Jun 08 - 09:20 AM
Georgiansilver 16 Jun 08 - 05:27 PM
GUEST,CrazyEddie 16 Jun 08 - 04:55 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 15 Jun 08 - 08:48 PM
John O'L 15 Jun 08 - 07:48 PM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Jun 08 - 10:05 AM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Jun 08 - 09:59 AM
severed-head 15 Jun 08 - 03:24 AM
Irene M 14 Jun 08 - 02:57 PM
Uncle_DaveO 14 Jun 08 - 08:42 AM
John O'L 14 Jun 08 - 01:08 AM
katlaughing 14 Jun 08 - 12:03 AM
Joe_F 13 Jun 08 - 09:59 PM
Wesley S 13 Jun 08 - 02:19 PM
Georgiansilver 13 Jun 08 - 02:16 PM
Mrrzy 13 Jun 08 - 02:00 PM
Wesley S 13 Jun 08 - 01:50 PM
Mickey191 13 Jun 08 - 10:26 AM
Dead Horse 12 Jun 08 - 04:48 PM
Uncle_DaveO 12 Jun 08 - 08:42 AM
Wesley S 10 Jun 08 - 11:55 AM
The Fooles Troupe 10 Jun 08 - 09:19 AM
Wesley S 09 Jun 08 - 02:34 PM
RangerSteve 09 Jun 08 - 02:32 PM
Wesley S 09 Jun 08 - 10:11 AM
Uncle_DaveO 09 Jun 08 - 08:52 AM
Uncle_DaveO 09 Jun 08 - 08:38 AM
Uncle_DaveO 07 Jun 08 - 02:24 PM
The Fooles Troupe 06 Jun 08 - 09:24 PM
The Fooles Troupe 06 Jun 08 - 07:46 PM
Uncle_DaveO 06 Jun 08 - 10:36 AM
Uncle_DaveO 05 Jun 08 - 09:17 AM
The Walrus 05 Jun 08 - 12:56 AM
Georgiansilver 04 Jun 08 - 06:18 PM
severed-head 04 Jun 08 - 05:36 PM
Georgiansilver 04 Jun 08 - 05:13 PM
Uncle_DaveO 04 Jun 08 - 04:40 PM
dwditty 02 Jun 08 - 11:14 AM
Uncle_DaveO 02 Jun 08 - 09:03 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peace
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 08:00 PM

Not the best joke so far, but pretty good.

Continued in 4th Joke thread of 2008!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 12:05 AM

Bad Joke, sorry - :-)

Try 4th Joke thread of 2008!

one of the numbers fell out...


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 09:47 PM

Hmmm... Your link points to a birthday thread from 1999.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 08:34 PM

Continued in 4th Joke thread of 2008!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 09:10 AM

"Military protocol"

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant
in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary
assistant in an administrative office in a Military
Intelligence unit.

One day a long memo came around with a cover
sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it
and initial it as indication of their compliance. I
figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

BUT a few days later, it came back addressed
specifically to me. An attached note read: "You
are not permanently assigned to this unit and
are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase
your initials and initial your erasure."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jun 08 - 09:10 AM

One night our dog suddenly began barking
almost every night at around 3 a.m.

Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched
the back yard for what might have disturbed this
otherwise peaceful animal.

For three days he found nothing amiss. When
the dog woke up the neighborhood a fourth night
at 3 a.m. with frantic barking Larry finally sneaked
around the house through the alley only to discover
our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of
wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence at
the dog.

My husband demanded to know what he was
doing.

"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed
neighbor explained. "If she gets woken up in the
middle of the night one more time she says
she'll leave."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jun 08 - 09:09 PM

"Favorite Drink"

One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with
her to visit a friend at work.

Everyone there knew her, and she was offered
a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees
went to make more coffee, her son followed her
and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she
answered.

Imagine the woman's shock when she heard
her son say, "Wow! You know how to make beer?"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jun 08 - 09:07 PM

"Tax Advisor's Story"

The tax advisor had just read the story of
Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter
for the first time.

The little girl was fascinated by the story,
especially the part where the pumpkin turns
into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the
pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would
that be classified as regular income or a
long-term capital gain?"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Amos
Date: 20 Jun 08 - 06:52 PM

"he Guardian (UK) thought it would be enlightening (or at least fun)
to let their sports commentators write reviews of cultural events.
The funniest one is the golf columnist's review of a symphony concert
featuring pianist Yefim Bronfman. --Bob

The pianist Yefim Bronfman was born in Uzbekistan in 1958, moved to
Israel in 1973, and made his debut with the New York Philharmonic
five years later (at age 20). This made him something of a musical
boy wonder. The good news is that, 30 years later, he has become a
fully grown, middle-aged wonder. I know this because (a) his
biography in the concert programme tells me so, and (b) when this
concert ended the audience went (and I use the following word
advisedly) bonkers. This reaction shocked me, because I had no idea
that people who were into classical music were also into going
bonkers at the end of a performance. It was a bit like turning up at
St Andrews and seeing the crusty old gentlemen of the R&A
stage-diving after Tiger Woods holed a putt to win the Open.

I am loath to take issue with this visceral enthusiasm. These people
paid good money for their seats, and presumably they knew what they
were getting so excited about. Then again, this is my review, and it
is my opinion that counts -- even though my only previous experience
of classical music was an open-air performance of Mozart's Requiem in
Chicago's Grant Park on a sultry August night, the most memorable
moment of which came when one of my friends turned up with a case of
exceptionally cold beer.

Such philistinism notwithstanding, I am bound to say that the second
classical concert of my life wasn't as good as I thought it would be.
Yefim is a magnificent pianist, as far as I could tell. He played
with tremendous energy and enthusiasm, which is more than you can say
for most of the golfers I spend my working life watching. Even if he
did play any bum notes, which I am sure he didn't, they were lost in
an ocean of other notes.

The problem, at least to my cloth ears, is the music. Brahms' Piano
Concerto No. 1 in D minor, the centrepiece of an evening devoted to
the composer, has come to be seen as a masterpiece. But as it is
longer than three minutes and not as immediately catchy as, say, Be
My Baby by the Ronettes, it failed to hold my attention.

This is a terrible admission, no doubt. But in my defence, my
attention remained fixed, tangentially at least, on what was going on
inside the concert hall - which is to say I spent most of the night
pondering why it is I would much rather have spent it watching sport
- any sport. The answer, I think, is this: uncertainty. The essence
of sport, and therefore of sports writing, is the unscripted nature
of its narrative and the uncertainty of its outcome. Yefim Bronfman
is a genius, no doubt, but he didn't write his own script - Brahms
did - and the ending hasn't changed in the last 150 years, and won't
for another 150. Tiger Woods, on the other hand, writes a new
concerto every day, each one better than the last."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: RangerSteve
Date: 17 Jun 08 - 03:14 PM

Caspar is the same exact shape as Richie Rich. And you never see them together in the same comic book. Hope that answers your question, BWL.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jun 08 - 09:38 AM

One could obviously end up pining for the other.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Jun 08 - 09:20 AM

OK, help me with this one, it came to me for no known reason.

Two redneck evergreens:

One: I want yew!
The other: What fir?


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 05:27 PM

He was Casper the friendly guy!! Of Course.....!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 04:55 PM

Wasn't he one of the Three Wise Men?


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 08:48 PM

Have you ever wondered who Casper the Friendly Ghost was before he died?


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 07:48 PM

The Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.'

'I see' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste' answered the Rabbi. 'We save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.'


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 10:05 AM

"Big Pill"

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and guzzles down water until the pill clears his throat.

He hobbles back into the examining room.

The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Okay, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least thirty minutes."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 09:59 AM

"Bubba and the Shrink"

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.

"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 03:24 AM

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded....'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Irene M
Date: 14 Jun 08 - 02:57 PM

The person who told this, swore it really happened.

Two farmers fell out over the ownership of a bit of land.

Come market day, one went to see a solicitor in town and explained about the dispute. He said he wanted legal representation to take the matter to the court. The solicitor said he was sorry, but he was already representing the other farmer, but could suggest another solicitor. He told the farmer to wait while a letter was written, to be given to the other solicitor.

It being market day, the farmer stopped in at the Cattle Mart Inn and had a few. He ran into the other farmer who had also had a few. Over a couple more, they sorted out their dispute and decided to see what the letter said, that the solicitor had written......

"Two fat hens have broken cover. You pluck one and I'll pluck t'other."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Jun 08 - 08:42 AM

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Maria, times are tough. I must make do on what my husband gives me. I'm not getting a raise. Tell me three reasons why you deserve one."

Maria says, "Well Senora, The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "I see."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?!"

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

She got the raise.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 14 Jun 08 - 01:08 AM

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper on his pillow. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 14 Jun 08 - 12:03 AM

And others just call it minimalist crap!**bg** Good one, Wesley!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 09:59 PM

Q. When it's half of one & six dozen of the other, what do you have?

A. A gross discrepancy.

*

Q. Who was Aristotle's purple pupil?

A. Alexander the Grape.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 02:19 PM

Phillip Glass is a composer - know for repetitive patterns. Some call it "Minimalist Music".


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 02:16 PM

Oh No.....two tomatoes on a plate, which was the cowboy?


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 02:00 PM

?? 'Splain, Wes?

What did one tomato say to the other?








Catch up!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 01:50 PM

Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Phillip Glass


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mickey191
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 10:26 AM

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Dead Horse
Date: 12 Jun 08 - 04:48 PM

Way I heard it, twas the blow-lamp that killed the bird while trying to get the old paint off!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Jun 08 - 08:42 AM

"Bird Painting"

Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," he says.

"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask what you need to paint with it?"

"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."

"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"

"No, they won't," Jim replies.

"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."

"You're on!" says Jim.

Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten dollars on the counter in front of the clerk.

"So the paint killed your bird?"

"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 10 Jun 08 - 11:55 AM

By the way - this next story never really happened. It's a joke:

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and he pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused and said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"You have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Jun 08 - 09:19 AM

"biscuit canister had exploded from the heat"

This was the subject of a Mythbusters episode - it was found to be capable of happenning - at least the explaoding package bit - also spray cans too.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 09 Jun 08 - 02:34 PM

Nooooooo - Say it ain't so..


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: RangerSteve
Date: 09 Jun 08 - 02:32 PM

The Linda Burnett story has been around for a while, it's an urban myth.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 09 Jun 08 - 10:11 AM

Linda Burnett , 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Republican, and a McCain supporter, but that could be irrelevant.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jun 08 - 08:52 AM

"New Thermos"

A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."

"Wow!" said the blonde. "That's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blonde replied, "Two popsicles and some coffee."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jun 08 - 08:38 AM

"Golf Murder"

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, “Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Jun 08 - 02:24 PM

"Emerging Intelligence"

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with
each other.

The first spaceman says, "The dominant life
forms on the earth planet have developed
satellite-based weapons."

The second alien, who looks exactly like the
first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...
They have them aimed at themselves."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Jun 08 - 09:24 PM

Anagram Fun

A VILE old woman on EVIL bent
Put on her VEIL and to St IVEL she went
LEVI, she said as she closed the door
If I LIVE I'll be back by four.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Jun 08 - 07:46 PM

"Governmentium"

What happened to "Beauracratium" - did it decay?


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Jun 08 - 10:36 AM

New Element discovered:

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization
in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

--Anonymous"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Jun 08 - 09:17 AM

"Before the Cell Phones"

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone, not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.

So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.

Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone?" he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"

"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Walrus
Date: 05 Jun 08 - 12:56 AM

"...Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues..."

Hijackings inspired by fundementalist Muslim groups may come to a halt, but I could forsee lots offlights being hijacked by 'Frat Boys' with demands like "I don't care where you fly, just go somewhere that you can fill up the fuel tanks, take on more beer and take off again"

W


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jun 08 - 06:18 PM

severed-head...that so made me laugh.....thank you!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 04 Jun 08 - 05:36 PM

HOW to SAVE the AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?



Sincerely,
Bill Clinton


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jun 08 - 05:13 PM

Murphy arrived home from work and announced to his wife "D'ya know that Patrick next door got a vascectomy"?   She said "Good heavens...he only got his Nissan a couple'a months ago"!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jun 08 - 04:40 PM

REDNECK CONTRACEPTION

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

** NOTE: This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia, Mississippi and West Virginia. Florida just made the list.

Dave Oesterreich
(The full-service, equal-opportunity offender)


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: dwditty
Date: 02 Jun 08 - 11:14 AM

On the Pope's recent visit to New York, he was struck by the response of "the people" and felt very close to them. Wanting a taste of being an ordinary guy, he told his chauffeur he wanted to drive to Yankee Stadium for the big show. The driver, realizing the request was from the Pope, climbed in the back seat without a word. The Pope drove off, and within minutes, made an illegal turn and was stooped by one of New York's finest. When the Pope handed the officer his license and registration, the cop figured he better call the station for advice.

He explained to the desk sergeant that he had just pulled over someone rally important. The Sgt. asked, "Who, the mayor?" The cop responded, "No, someone much more important than the Mayor."

The Sgt. then queried, "The Governor?" The officer replied, "No, the Gov. is small potatoes next o this guy."

The Sgt screamed, "Who is it then?" The officer answered, "I have no idea who this guy is, but the Pope is his freaking driver!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jun 08 - 09:03 AM

A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job.

The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.

As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.

"Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that beautiful song?"

"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long'."

Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said, "Interesting title. Do you have another?" The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was finished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to overflowing.

"You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep. "Just amazing! What do you call that one?"

"Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler'." The bartender held his tongue -- the guy was certainly good, despite the outrageous song titles.

Then, he rose, excused himself and shuffled off to use the restroom.

While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said, "Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever heard. If you want the job, it's yours."

Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and whispered, "Sir, do you know your pecker's hanging out for all the world to see?"

"Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I wrote it!"


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