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BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!

The Fooles Troupe 12 Mar 08 - 06:27 AM
The Fooles Troupe 12 Mar 08 - 06:33 AM
The Fooles Troupe 12 Mar 08 - 08:57 AM
Bill D 12 Mar 08 - 11:33 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 12 Mar 08 - 12:53 PM
Amos 12 Mar 08 - 01:56 PM
Bill D 12 Mar 08 - 03:56 PM
GUEST,Chicken Charlie 12 Mar 08 - 08:05 PM
Uncle_DaveO 14 Mar 08 - 09:43 AM
Uncle_DaveO 14 Mar 08 - 09:46 AM
Uncle_DaveO 17 Mar 08 - 12:33 PM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Mar 08 - 09:28 AM
The Fooles Troupe 20 Mar 08 - 09:37 AM
The Fooles Troupe 20 Mar 08 - 09:38 AM
Michael 20 Mar 08 - 01:24 PM
Mrrzy 20 Mar 08 - 03:20 PM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Mar 08 - 03:29 PM
dwditty 20 Mar 08 - 03:35 PM
GUEST,Marty 21 Mar 08 - 06:42 AM
Uncle_DaveO 21 Mar 08 - 10:17 AM
Bert 21 Mar 08 - 11:49 AM
Uncle_DaveO 22 Mar 08 - 09:40 AM
Mrrzy 22 Mar 08 - 01:26 PM
autolycus 22 Mar 08 - 03:32 PM
Bill D 22 Mar 08 - 08:35 PM
Big Mick 22 Mar 08 - 08:52 PM
autolycus 23 Mar 08 - 05:15 PM
Uncle_DaveO 24 Mar 08 - 09:48 AM
GUEST,dick greenhaus 24 Mar 08 - 10:09 AM
GUEST,Observer 24 Mar 08 - 10:42 AM
autolycus 24 Mar 08 - 10:56 AM
autolycus 24 Mar 08 - 11:52 AM
Uncle_DaveO 24 Mar 08 - 07:07 PM
Mrrzy 25 Mar 08 - 10:56 AM
Uncle_DaveO 25 Mar 08 - 10:59 AM
autolycus 26 Mar 08 - 05:09 PM
autolycus 26 Mar 08 - 05:16 PM
GUEST,strad 27 Mar 08 - 07:09 AM
Uncle_DaveO 27 Mar 08 - 12:14 PM
autolycus 27 Mar 08 - 01:09 PM
Les in Chorlton 28 Mar 08 - 05:03 AM
Ernest 28 Mar 08 - 08:21 AM
Mrrzy 28 Mar 08 - 08:49 AM
Les in Chorlton 28 Mar 08 - 12:01 PM
Ernest 28 Mar 08 - 12:33 PM
Mrrzy 28 Mar 08 - 01:01 PM
Les in Chorlton 28 Mar 08 - 01:04 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 28 Mar 08 - 07:22 PM
Les in Chorlton 28 Mar 08 - 08:01 PM
autolycus 29 Mar 08 - 04:42 AM
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Subject: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 06:27 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


It's Time...

Noticed this...

BS: Leg problem         
BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!

Thought it was time to pull in another new thread...

Sorry...

2nd Joke thread of 2008!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 06:33 AM

A couple of good 'techncial' cartoons...

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/command_line_fu.png
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/success.png


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 08:57 AM

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had his hair spiked in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response,

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 11:33 AM

The doctor told the nurse to let him know right away when the old man's energy level gets back to normal after his injection.

The nurse asks the doctor how will she know when his energy level is back to normal ... by what criteria?

The doctor says, "When he wakes, simply tell him you have come to give him super sex and then record his reaction. "

So later that evening she comes to his bedside, nudges him, and tells the old man that she came to give him "super sex."

The old man comes to ... then thinks a moment ... and then says, "I think I'd prefer soup."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A retired Italian winemaker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."

"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with adult favours."

"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"

"What, my son?"

"She is pretty old now, should I tell her the war is over?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes, Granddaughter. It's me."

"It's really, really you, Grandmother?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, Granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled. "You're sure it's you, Grandmother?"

"Yes, Granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 12:53 PM

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing, you're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "Come on now, nobody's perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "No, not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special".

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too, he was the perfect man . He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman ."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his fucking widow."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Amos
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 01:56 PM

Jay Leno, via U.S. News: "Well, here's a very scary story. Prescription medications have been discovered in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans." President Bush "calls that the Republican healthcare plan."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 03:56 PM

"Veni, Vidi, Velcro" ~






I came, I saw, I stuck around.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Chicken Charlie
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 08:05 PM

Trying to get a handle on where voters' priorities are, the Republican National Committee set up a phone bank and started a one-question survey, "How much do you worry about illegal immigration?"

76% of the people contacted said, "We worry about it a lot!"

The other 24% said, "No es una problema seriosa."

CC


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Mar 08 - 09:43 AM

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Mar 08 - 09:46 AM

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sunnn, and into the hole he goooes.'

(I want this line used at my funeral!)


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Mar 08 - 12:33 PM

"Company Policy Changes"

The following policy changes will go into effect immediately.

Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. We require a 3-day advance notice in the event of your death.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category."

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation or input should be directed elsewhere.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Mar 08 - 09:28 AM

Watzameddeh, nobody else interested in a good belly laugh?

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 Mar 08 - 09:37 AM

Variety is the Very Spice

Famed British botanist Lord Ramsbottom successfully hybridized a cumin plant with a strain of coriander. The result was a cultivar that had a very unusual and highly desirable seed. The plant, when exhibited at local shows, won many awards. Lord Ramsbottom was so thrilled with his new hybrid that he showed the award-winning herb at the Royal Horticultural Society Exhibition at Kew Gardens in London.

One of the visitors to the exhibition was the owner of several greengrocer stores around London. His name was Abe Shapiro and he had found prosperity in England after emigrating from Minsk and working long and hard. Abe's knowledge of the market for herbs and spices was legendary and he was asked how he thought the newly developed strain would do in the marketplace.

He responded, "Vell, I t'ink it's a vunderful ting, dis new herb. So unusual. I can't belief dat mine eyes haff seen the cory, and der cumin of da Lord."

(By Bob Levi from "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel ©2007 Marion Street Press)


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 Mar 08 - 09:38 AM

It appears that the CIA has captured a suspected rebel threat by the name of Obi-wan Kenobi.

He has refused to talk, and is on a hunger strike; the guards, however, are *Force* feeding him.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Michael
Date: 20 Mar 08 - 01:24 PM

So they would be feeding him a Nestle breakfast cereal against his wiil then?

Mike


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Mar 08 - 03:20 PM

He is not the terrorist you're looking for...


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Mar 08 - 03:29 PM

"Visit to NYC"

Chris: How was your trip to New York?

Brian: Well, a mugger stopped me and said, "Gimme your money, or I'll blow your brains out."

Chris: What did you do?

Brian: I told him to go ahead and shoot. He was so shocked, he ran away.

Chris: Wow! He told you to give him your money or he'd blow your brains out, and you told him to go ahead and shoot?

Brian: Yeah. You don't need brains to live in New York, but you can't get along without money.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: dwditty
Date: 20 Mar 08 - 03:35 PM

True story:

My youngest daughter lost a tooth...she was about 6. As she was going on and on about the Tooth Fairy, her older sister said, "Mom's the tooth fairy." The youngest paused a momemnt, thinking, and replied, "Mom can't be the tooth fairy. She is home every night."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Marty
Date: 21 Mar 08 - 06:42 AM

I had to give up tap dancing. I kept falling in the sink.
Fozzie Bear


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Mar 08 - 10:17 AM

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'.

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning: One brilliant flash and it's gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bert
Date: 21 Mar 08 - 11:49 AM

Tree said "I'm Jealous"

Dante says "No you're not, you're Grandma!!!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Mar 08 - 09:40 AM

"Customs Inspection"

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11.

Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation, "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Mar 08 - 01:26 PM

I like that. Reminds me of Mom, once asked where her accent came from, answered Eet koms frrom trrying to speek Eenglish!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 22 Mar 08 - 03:32 PM

Uncle Dave's lastreminds me of when Groucho was doing his You Bet Your Life in the UK.

The contestant was a woman from Liverpool.

I'm told you have a lot of children.

Yes, I've 12 children.

Isn't that rather a lot?

Well, I like it.

I like my cigar, but i take it out of my mouth once in a while.


   Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Mar 08 - 08:35 PM

sorry, autolycus, but Snopes says it didn't happen, and how the false story got moved to Liverpool is beyond me!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Big Mick
Date: 22 Mar 08 - 08:52 PM

I guess I should read the first two threads, but I will take the chance that no one has told these two.

An old man looks over the fence and sees the young daughter of his neighbor with a shoebox on the ground, and a shovel. The little girl is crying as she is digging the hole. Fearing the worst, the old man asks her why she is crying and digging the hole. "I am burying my pet parakeet" she sniffed. "I'm so sorry," sez he, "but, why such a big box for a parakeet?". She answers, "Because it's inside your fecking cat."

Clancy is having a drink with Seamus. Seamus has this puzzled look on his gob, obviously deep in thought. "What're ye thinking about, Seamus?", sez Clancy. "I was just wonderin', Clancy, if you was out fishing tomorrow, and I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife, and she became with child, would we be related?" Clancy scratches his head, and thinks very hard. Finally he says, "Well, I don't know if we would be related, but we would be even".


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 23 Mar 08 - 05:15 PM

Bill, thanks for that. Now I know.

I can help with the 'why Liverpool?' bit.

Groucho did his prog in the UK. If this is an urban legend, then someone re-worked the story as a British one. Liverpool is a city with a considerable Catholic population. The rest follows according to a familiar stereotype.


Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Mar 08 - 09:48 AM

"Technical Testing"

One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs
was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions,
handed a rifle, and a few rounds of ammo. He
loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the
target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of
his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target.
He looked at the rifle again, and then once more
at the target. He placed his finger over the end of
the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his
other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon
he yelled toward the target area...

"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be
at your end!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,dick greenhaus
Date: 24 Mar 08 - 10:09 AM

Subject: Don't mess with old dogs!

A wealthy old man decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Observer
Date: 24 Mar 08 - 10:42 AM

On their fiftieth anniversary, Milo and Madge had dinner with their EIGHT kids and many grandchildren. Finally they were alone and sat on the porch holding hands.

"Darling," said Milo, "I've always wondered about something in regard to our children."

"What's that, dear?" asked Madge.

Milo slowly explained, "Conrad looks different from our other SEVEN kids, and I always have wondered if he had a different father."

Madge squeezed his hand tightly and said, "Well, I guess I can tell you now that Conrad did have a different father than the others."

After a long pause, Milo said, "Please tell me who his father is."

She smiled sweetly and said, "You."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 24 Mar 08 - 10:56 AM

The last two were excellent,imo.

                WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT

   A tax-collector's next call was down in a basement place.

   He knocked, all was dark and quiet, but the door gave a little. He entered and saw a tiny bit of light, so he made for it.

   As he walked towards it, he kept hearing a regular "tt!tssss". The light got bigger, the "tt!tssss" got louder.

   he reached a room and found a little old man, hunched over an itoning-board, under a single dim globe, regularly spitting on the iron, which then hissed (as they do)

   The two got talking, an the old man told his story.

   I used to be an explorer (he spits) "tt!tssss". One day, I was striding along in the jungle,"tt!tssss", and suddenly I was faced by a very hungry lion,"tt!tssss", so I turned and ran. But the lion, "tt!tssss", charged after me, "tt!tssss". he caught me, and ate me up "tt!tsss".

   But you're alive, said the tax man.

    "tt!tssss". The old man replied, you call this 'living'?


    Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 24 Mar 08 - 11:52 AM

A Sunday School teacher asks the class: Does anyone know where God lives.

A little girl's hand goes up, Please Miss, God lives in our bathroom. (i.e. not the toilet; the room where you keep the bath.)

Teacher says, Why do you say the bathroom?

Little girl says, Cos every morning my Dad goes to the bathroom door and says,"God, are you still in there?"

   Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Mar 08 - 07:07 PM

"Telemarketer Tips"

What to say to hucksters (who telephone during dinner or
in the middle of a riveting TV show peddling sides of beef,
municipal bonds, aluminum siding, computer software or
whatever)

1. The police photographer is still here, and the county
medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner
yet. Can you call back a little later?

2. You called at the right time, buster. I'll order carloads
of whatever you got just to restore my credit rating.
Those turkeys down at the bank go bananas over one little
bounced check or two.

3. I'm sorry, the taxi is at the door right now. We're heading
off on a 90 day world cruise aboard the Empress of Bermuda.

4. Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new address.
As of next Wednesday, it'll be care of the warden, maximum
security wing, Attica Correction Facility, Attica, N.Y.

5. What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you?
The battery has run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please,
louder. Is that the best you can do? I'm afraid we're just
not communicating.

6. I'm afraid you have the wrong number. This is a funeral
home or what we like to call a counseling chapel for the
bereaved. Visiting hours are from 2 to 5 and 7 to 10.

7. I'm just house sitting here, buddy. The owners won't be
back for a couple months. You wouldn't have a good deal on
off-brand whiskeys and beer by the case, would you? Maybe a
little grass or snow?

8. Too late pal. As of tomorrow, Uncle Sam will take care of
all my necessities. But you might try my drill instructor
at Camp Pendleton. In other words, tell it to the Marines.

9. I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any
minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it.
Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away.

10. Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back.
The better business people said I need more positive
identification to file my complaint. Now first let
me have your name and telephone number.
Hello? Hello?

11. Well, if this ain't the living end. The furniture
is out on the sidewalk; the sheriff's auction is about to
begin and you want to sell me a freezer full of prime beef.
Keep talking. I can dream, can't I?

12. The number you have called is a working number like
you wouldn't believe. Let me make you a counter-proposal.
How about the company of one of our swinging little ladies
for an evening? Our personalized dating service guarantees
satisfaction, and we do take credit cards.

13. Sorry to cut you off like this but Uncle Harry is choking
on something.

14. The furnace just conked out, there's a foot of water in the
basement and I nearly broke my neck on the kid's skate board
getting to the phone. You wouldn't have a special on cyanide,
would you?

15. You better talk to my wife when she gets back from Reno.
This place will be all hers then.

16. The dog just died and I'm so glad to have someone to
talk to...

17. Excuse me, this nice police officer, here, said that I
should inform you that my phone is being tapped. Now,
what kind of drugs did you say you were selling?

18. You have reached the Prosecuting Attorney's office,
if you will hold on a minute, I'm SURE he'd like to
talk to you.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Mar 08 - 10:56 AM

So, the madam looks out the window, and who's heading for the whorehouse but the town's only Ethnic. Now, she knew that none of her girls would want to get with him, so she quickly blows up a fuckdoll and leaves it in a bed in the attic. Sure enough, Ethnic comes in, and while her girls scatter the madam tells him she has a special treat for him, up in the attic room. Up he goes, tromp tromp tromp. About 15 seconds later down he comes, tromp tromp tromp. The madam says, why so quick, wasn't she satisfactory? The ethnic replies, I'm not sure... I took my pants off, got into bed, bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Mar 08 - 10:59 AM

"Oneliners

Hummingbirds are nature's way of teaching
humility to cats.

It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

The ice cream truck in our neighborhood now
plays rap music.

Hawaii is the only U.S. state to produce coffee.

Money talks, but a credit card uses sign language.

The worst thing about censorship is ******************.

Tolerance is letting other people find happiness
in their own way instead of your way.

Only when the plumbing is stopped up do you
realize that a flush is better than a full house.

If you plan for a decade, plant a tree.
If you plan for a century, teach the children.

You may forget with whom you laughed
but you will never forget with whom you wept.

We can never see ourselves as others see us.
Even the mirror image is backwards.

Speak when you are angry and you will make
the best speech you will ever regret.

The next time someone says to you, "Nothing's
impossible," tell him, "Go dribble a football."

I don't know the key to success but,
the key to failure is to try to please everyone.

You can't take it with you... and with high taxes,
lawyer's fees, and funeral expenses, you can't
leave it behind either.

Speaking of immigrants, how did the California
Governator get a green card? Was there a
shortage of body builders in the early '70s?

I'm going to invest my money in taxes.
It's the only sure thing to go up.

Football isn't a contact sport. It's a collision sport.
Dancing is a contact sport.

Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."

The world is coming to an end. Insert 25 cents to
continue.

The only thing lazy people do fast is get tired.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."

They told me I was gullible . . . and I believed them.

As long as we have each other, we'll never run out
of problems.

Shouldn't the National Guard change its name to the
International Guard?

We wouldn't have to drive defensively if so many of you
weren't driving offensively.

Skydiving's good to the last drop.

Organized crime is alive and well; it's called auto
insurance.

Boldly going nowhere.

I just got back from Orlando, and they need to
rename it Tollando.

One thing about children, they never bore you with
pictures of their parents.

Flattery is the best cure for a stiff neck because
there are few heads it won't turn.

Our highways have become insane asylums
with turn signals.

Ten years from now, many antiques will be made
of plastic.

I'm so old I remember "car phones."

On I-80, the official bird of California is a hand
gesture.

Clutter is my trademark.

Nature abhors a vacuum, even in the heads of
statesmen.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that
we have to alter it every six months.

Before taking a long trip, fill your tank and empty
your bladder.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 26 Mar 08 - 05:09 PM

What do you get if you cross a philosopher with a member of the Mafia?


























you get an offer you can't    understand.


   Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 26 Mar 08 - 05:16 PM

Just found this and had to share it.

With someone :-)

i And here's a sort of odd quiz for prospective violists: YOU TOO CAN BE A VIOLA PLAYER WITH THE BBC SYMPATHY ORCHESTRA

Look what we have found. While sifting through the BBC's dustbins the other day we came across this. The pass mark is 10% but be careful, over 45% and you are overqualified. The marks for each question are shown on the right.

ENTRY EXAM FOR THE BBC SYMAPTHY ORCHESTRA---VIOLA PLAYERS

Who wrote the following:-
a) Beethoven's 6th Symphony
b) Faure Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle [15]
Tchaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other five. [5]
Explain 'Counterpoint' or write your name on the reverse of the paper. [10]
Which of the following would *you* tuck under you chin?
a) a timpani
b)an organ
c)a cello
d)a viola [1]
Can you explain `Sonata Form'? Answer yes or no. [5]
Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi opera?
a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton [5]
Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument? [5]
Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first.
a) Quickly
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace. [4]
Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance? [5]
Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?
a) Des O'Connor
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
d) Terry Wogan [5]
Which of the following is the odd one out?
a) Sir Colin Davis
b) Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
d) Desmond Lynham [5]
Arrange the following words into a well known Puccini opera.
Boheme, La [5]
Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz? [5]
From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
a) Venezuela
b) Sri Lanka
c) Germany
d) Japan [5]
For what town were Haydn's 'Paris' symphonies written? [5]
Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture 'Romeo and Juliet' -- Tchaikovsky
b) 'Romeo and Juliet' -- Berlioz
c) 'Romeo and Juliet' Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) 'Ten Green Bottles' -- anon. [5]
LI>From which song do the following lines come?
'God save our gracious Queen, Long live our Noble Queen.' [5]
Spell the following musical terms: allegro, rallentando, crotchet, pizzicato, intermezzo [5]
Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera? [5]
Arrange the following letters to form the name of a well known British broadcasting corporation: C, B, B. [5]


   Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,strad
Date: 27 Mar 08 - 07:09 AM

Autolycus, are you going to post the answers - please-?


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Mar 08 - 12:14 PM

"Fighting Tools"

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking
like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is
in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little rat, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't
do that to you with his fists, he must have had something in his
hand."

" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast,
and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight!"

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 27 Mar 08 - 01:09 PM

No strad, I might mark the answers of others, tho   :-)

Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 05:03 AM

Am I missing something or is this just plain ofensive and should be removed?
"So, the madam looks out the window, and who's heading for the whorehouse but the town's only Ethnic. Now, she knew that none of her girls would want to get with him, so she quickly blows up a fuckdoll and leaves it in a bed in the attic. Sure enough, Ethnic comes in, and while her girls scatter the madam tells him she has a special treat for him, up in the attic room. Up he goes, tromp tromp tromp. About 15 seconds later down he comes, tromp tromp tromp. The madam says, why so quick, wasn't she satisfactory? The ethnic replies, I'm not sure... I took my pants off, got into bed, bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ernest
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 08:21 AM

Les,
what you are missing is that you won`t be able to find a country named "Ethnicia" on the globe.

Since it is not directed to any specific ethnicity (everyone is one somewhere) who can claim that it is directed towards him?

If this is offensive every joke about Irish, Polish, German, English, French, male, female, senior, junior, gay, straight people, lawyers, doctors, politicians musicians - in other words: about everybody would be offensive.

Admittedly artificial-persons-designed-to-satisfy-the-carnal-needs- of-people-who-are-attractivity-or-boldnessly-challenged might find the term "fuckdoll" offensive...

;0)
Ernest


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 08:49 AM

Um, yeah, the reason I *used* "ethnic" is that it doesn't matter whom you tell the joke about, because it isn't an ethnic joke! That's part of the joke! And it's funny, no?


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 12:01 PM

In the end a joke makes us laugh or it doesn't. That's it really. If I don't laugh it doesn't matter at all.

Maybe this is a case of differing cultures.In the UK "Ethnic" usually,but not always, means "Ethnic Minority". In this context the "Ethnic" in the joke is clearly some kind of stupid.

"If this is offensive every joke about Irish, Polish, German, English, French, male, female, senior, junior, gay, straight people, lawyers, doctors, politicians musicians - in other words: about everybody would be offensive."

I guess we all feel that jokes that target any group for some kind of stereotype or just to mock them for some reason is unworthy.

If most of us wouldn't tell anti-semitic jokes at a Jewish party we probably wouldn't tell them anywhere. Of course many groups tell jokes against themselves amongst themselves and that is up to them.

Once upon a time their were 2 rabbits...................









look how many their are now.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ernest
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 12:33 PM

Les,

don`t you think your joke about rabbits is offensive to rodents?

;0)
Ernest (carefully watching out for inflatable suicide bombers from Ethnicia with long ears now)


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 01:01 PM

Um, rabbits aren't rodents...


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 01:04 PM

Just testing. I have tried to discuss this with rabbits and I have to say they didn't seem offended. But then who am I to judge how they felt?

Quite often people who tell jokes that might be offensive to members of a group never check it out or test if members of that group are in the audience.

I guess I was also showing an ignorance of Darwinian evolution since their never was a time when their were only 2 rabbits.

What has 7 eyes and cannot see?












Three blind mice and half a pigs head


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 07:22 PM

Did yez hear aboot the bloke who started a business makin' inflateable dutch footwear?

It wez aall gannin' canny until he popped his clogs!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 08:01 PM

Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 04:42 AM

Then there was the housewife who bought some sheep's eyes at the butchers to see her through the week.


presumably that's insulting to all carnivore housewives.

P'raps every joke should be preceded by a warning about who the joke's insulting. :-)

Ivor


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