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BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!

The Fooles Troupe 12 Mar 08 - 06:27 AM
The Fooles Troupe 12 Mar 08 - 06:33 AM
The Fooles Troupe 12 Mar 08 - 08:57 AM
Bill D 12 Mar 08 - 11:33 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 12 Mar 08 - 12:53 PM
Amos 12 Mar 08 - 01:56 PM
Bill D 12 Mar 08 - 03:56 PM
GUEST,Chicken Charlie 12 Mar 08 - 08:05 PM
Uncle_DaveO 14 Mar 08 - 09:43 AM
Uncle_DaveO 14 Mar 08 - 09:46 AM
Uncle_DaveO 17 Mar 08 - 12:33 PM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Mar 08 - 09:28 AM
The Fooles Troupe 20 Mar 08 - 09:37 AM
The Fooles Troupe 20 Mar 08 - 09:38 AM
Michael 20 Mar 08 - 01:24 PM
Mrrzy 20 Mar 08 - 03:20 PM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Mar 08 - 03:29 PM
dwditty 20 Mar 08 - 03:35 PM
GUEST,Marty 21 Mar 08 - 06:42 AM
Uncle_DaveO 21 Mar 08 - 10:17 AM
Bert 21 Mar 08 - 11:49 AM
Uncle_DaveO 22 Mar 08 - 09:40 AM
Mrrzy 22 Mar 08 - 01:26 PM
autolycus 22 Mar 08 - 03:32 PM
Bill D 22 Mar 08 - 08:35 PM
Big Mick 22 Mar 08 - 08:52 PM
autolycus 23 Mar 08 - 05:15 PM
Uncle_DaveO 24 Mar 08 - 09:48 AM
GUEST,dick greenhaus 24 Mar 08 - 10:09 AM
GUEST,Observer 24 Mar 08 - 10:42 AM
autolycus 24 Mar 08 - 10:56 AM
autolycus 24 Mar 08 - 11:52 AM
Uncle_DaveO 24 Mar 08 - 07:07 PM
Mrrzy 25 Mar 08 - 10:56 AM
Uncle_DaveO 25 Mar 08 - 10:59 AM
autolycus 26 Mar 08 - 05:09 PM
autolycus 26 Mar 08 - 05:16 PM
GUEST,strad 27 Mar 08 - 07:09 AM
Uncle_DaveO 27 Mar 08 - 12:14 PM
autolycus 27 Mar 08 - 01:09 PM
Les in Chorlton 28 Mar 08 - 05:03 AM
Ernest 28 Mar 08 - 08:21 AM
Mrrzy 28 Mar 08 - 08:49 AM
Les in Chorlton 28 Mar 08 - 12:01 PM
Ernest 28 Mar 08 - 12:33 PM
Mrrzy 28 Mar 08 - 01:01 PM
Les in Chorlton 28 Mar 08 - 01:04 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 28 Mar 08 - 07:22 PM
Les in Chorlton 28 Mar 08 - 08:01 PM
autolycus 29 Mar 08 - 04:42 AM
Les in Chorlton 29 Mar 08 - 06:24 AM
The Fooles Troupe 29 Mar 08 - 09:36 AM
autolycus 29 Mar 08 - 09:49 AM
Mrrzy 29 Mar 08 - 01:35 PM
Les in Chorlton 29 Mar 08 - 01:59 PM
Mrrzy 29 Mar 08 - 03:10 PM
Peace 29 Mar 08 - 03:15 PM
Les in Chorlton 29 Mar 08 - 03:33 PM
Uncle_DaveO 29 Mar 08 - 03:43 PM
autolycus 29 Mar 08 - 03:58 PM
Georgiansilver 29 Mar 08 - 06:01 PM
Peace 29 Mar 08 - 06:34 PM
autolycus 30 Mar 08 - 04:36 PM
Uncle_DaveO 30 Mar 08 - 07:27 PM
Ythanside 31 Mar 08 - 01:38 PM
Desert Dancer 31 Mar 08 - 05:23 PM
The Fooles Troupe 01 Apr 08 - 08:39 AM
Les in Chorlton 01 Apr 08 - 08:42 AM
Alan Day 01 Apr 08 - 05:52 PM
The Fooles Troupe 01 Apr 08 - 08:39 PM
Uncle_DaveO 02 Apr 08 - 09:03 AM
autolycus 03 Apr 08 - 01:54 AM
Uncle_DaveO 05 Apr 08 - 03:17 PM
autolycus 05 Apr 08 - 04:32 PM
Bill D 05 Apr 08 - 06:14 PM
Bill D 05 Apr 08 - 06:17 PM
wlisk 06 Apr 08 - 05:00 PM
Uncle_DaveO 07 Apr 08 - 06:34 PM
Uncle_DaveO 08 Apr 08 - 08:24 AM
Roger the Skiffler 11 Apr 08 - 05:17 AM
Uncle_DaveO 12 Apr 08 - 03:02 PM
MudGuard 12 Apr 08 - 07:56 PM
Uncle_DaveO 14 Apr 08 - 09:49 PM
Bert 15 Apr 08 - 12:18 AM
Mrrzy 15 Apr 08 - 07:02 PM
katlaughing 15 Apr 08 - 09:42 PM
alanabit 16 Apr 08 - 03:17 AM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Apr 08 - 12:44 PM
Mooh 21 Apr 08 - 06:30 AM
Georgiansilver 21 Apr 08 - 07:26 AM
Uncle_DaveO 23 Apr 08 - 08:32 PM
Bill D 23 Apr 08 - 09:21 PM
The Fooles Troupe 23 Apr 08 - 10:00 PM
Mrrzy 24 Apr 08 - 08:57 AM
Bill D 24 Apr 08 - 05:12 PM
GUEST,RIch 24 Apr 08 - 05:35 PM
The Fooles Troupe 25 Apr 08 - 12:02 AM
The Fooles Troupe 25 Apr 08 - 08:22 AM
Midchuck 25 Apr 08 - 09:49 AM
The Fooles Troupe 25 Apr 08 - 10:46 PM
katlaughing 26 Apr 08 - 11:59 AM
Ythanside 26 Apr 08 - 04:17 PM
Georgiansilver 26 Apr 08 - 04:28 PM
katlaughing 26 Apr 08 - 05:05 PM
Bonnie Shaljean 29 Apr 08 - 07:06 AM
katlaughing 29 Apr 08 - 11:52 PM
Uncle_DaveO 30 Apr 08 - 05:36 PM
Becca72 30 Apr 08 - 06:11 PM
Jim Dixon 30 Apr 08 - 06:36 PM
severed-head 05 May 08 - 04:04 AM
severed-head 05 May 08 - 04:05 AM
Uncle_DaveO 05 May 08 - 09:48 AM
Uncle_DaveO 05 May 08 - 10:37 AM
GUEST,melinda 05 May 08 - 12:22 PM
Bill D 07 May 08 - 09:55 AM
severed-head 07 May 08 - 04:53 PM
Becca72 09 May 08 - 03:29 PM
Dead Horse 09 May 08 - 03:56 PM
Uncle_DaveO 09 May 08 - 07:49 PM
Uncle_DaveO 12 May 08 - 08:23 AM
Uncle_DaveO 12 May 08 - 08:26 AM
The Fooles Troupe 18 May 08 - 06:57 AM
severed-head 18 May 08 - 04:48 PM
JohnInKansas 19 May 08 - 01:08 AM
JohnInKansas 19 May 08 - 01:23 AM
The Fooles Troupe 19 May 08 - 09:34 AM
Uncle_DaveO 23 May 08 - 10:39 AM
Mrrzy 30 May 08 - 08:56 AM
The Fooles Troupe 31 May 08 - 09:33 AM
Uncle_DaveO 02 Jun 08 - 08:48 AM
Uncle_DaveO 02 Jun 08 - 09:03 AM
dwditty 02 Jun 08 - 11:14 AM
Uncle_DaveO 04 Jun 08 - 04:40 PM
Georgiansilver 04 Jun 08 - 05:13 PM
severed-head 04 Jun 08 - 05:36 PM
Georgiansilver 04 Jun 08 - 06:18 PM
The Walrus 05 Jun 08 - 12:56 AM
Uncle_DaveO 05 Jun 08 - 09:17 AM
Uncle_DaveO 06 Jun 08 - 10:36 AM
The Fooles Troupe 06 Jun 08 - 07:46 PM
The Fooles Troupe 06 Jun 08 - 09:24 PM
Uncle_DaveO 07 Jun 08 - 02:24 PM
Uncle_DaveO 09 Jun 08 - 08:38 AM
Uncle_DaveO 09 Jun 08 - 08:52 AM
Wesley S 09 Jun 08 - 10:11 AM
RangerSteve 09 Jun 08 - 02:32 PM
Wesley S 09 Jun 08 - 02:34 PM
The Fooles Troupe 10 Jun 08 - 09:19 AM
Wesley S 10 Jun 08 - 11:55 AM
Uncle_DaveO 12 Jun 08 - 08:42 AM
Dead Horse 12 Jun 08 - 04:48 PM
Mickey191 13 Jun 08 - 10:26 AM
Wesley S 13 Jun 08 - 01:50 PM
Mrrzy 13 Jun 08 - 02:00 PM
Georgiansilver 13 Jun 08 - 02:16 PM
Wesley S 13 Jun 08 - 02:19 PM
Joe_F 13 Jun 08 - 09:59 PM
katlaughing 14 Jun 08 - 12:03 AM
John O'L 14 Jun 08 - 01:08 AM
Uncle_DaveO 14 Jun 08 - 08:42 AM
Irene M 14 Jun 08 - 02:57 PM
severed-head 15 Jun 08 - 03:24 AM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Jun 08 - 09:59 AM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Jun 08 - 10:05 AM
John O'L 15 Jun 08 - 07:48 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 15 Jun 08 - 08:48 PM
GUEST,CrazyEddie 16 Jun 08 - 04:55 PM
Georgiansilver 16 Jun 08 - 05:27 PM
Mrrzy 17 Jun 08 - 09:20 AM
Georgiansilver 17 Jun 08 - 09:38 AM
RangerSteve 17 Jun 08 - 03:14 PM
Amos 20 Jun 08 - 06:52 PM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Jun 08 - 09:07 PM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Jun 08 - 09:09 PM
Uncle_DaveO 21 Jun 08 - 09:10 AM
Uncle_DaveO 22 Jun 08 - 09:10 AM
The Fooles Troupe 22 Jun 08 - 08:34 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 22 Jun 08 - 09:47 PM
The Fooles Troupe 23 Jun 08 - 12:05 AM
Peace 24 Aug 08 - 08:00 PM
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Subject: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 06:27 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


It's Time...

Noticed this...

BS: Leg problem         
BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!

Thought it was time to pull in another new thread...

Sorry...

2nd Joke thread of 2008!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 06:33 AM

A couple of good 'techncial' cartoons...

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/command_line_fu.png
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/success.png


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 08:57 AM

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had his hair spiked in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response,

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 11:33 AM

The doctor told the nurse to let him know right away when the old man's energy level gets back to normal after his injection.

The nurse asks the doctor how will she know when his energy level is back to normal ... by what criteria?

The doctor says, "When he wakes, simply tell him you have come to give him super sex and then record his reaction. "

So later that evening she comes to his bedside, nudges him, and tells the old man that she came to give him "super sex."

The old man comes to ... then thinks a moment ... and then says, "I think I'd prefer soup."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A retired Italian winemaker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."

"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with adult favours."

"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"

"What, my son?"

"She is pretty old now, should I tell her the war is over?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes, Granddaughter. It's me."

"It's really, really you, Grandmother?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, Granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled. "You're sure it's you, Grandmother?"

"Yes, Granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 12:53 PM

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing, you're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "Come on now, nobody's perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "No, not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special".

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too, he was the perfect man . He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman ."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his fucking widow."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Amos
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 01:56 PM

Jay Leno, via U.S. News: "Well, here's a very scary story. Prescription medications have been discovered in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans." President Bush "calls that the Republican healthcare plan."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 03:56 PM

"Veni, Vidi, Velcro" ~






I came, I saw, I stuck around.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Chicken Charlie
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 08:05 PM

Trying to get a handle on where voters' priorities are, the Republican National Committee set up a phone bank and started a one-question survey, "How much do you worry about illegal immigration?"

76% of the people contacted said, "We worry about it a lot!"

The other 24% said, "No es una problema seriosa."

CC


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Mar 08 - 09:43 AM

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Mar 08 - 09:46 AM

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sunnn, and into the hole he goooes.'

(I want this line used at my funeral!)


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Mar 08 - 12:33 PM

"Company Policy Changes"

The following policy changes will go into effect immediately.

Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. We require a 3-day advance notice in the event of your death.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category."

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation or input should be directed elsewhere.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Mar 08 - 09:28 AM

Watzameddeh, nobody else interested in a good belly laugh?

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 Mar 08 - 09:37 AM

Variety is the Very Spice

Famed British botanist Lord Ramsbottom successfully hybridized a cumin plant with a strain of coriander. The result was a cultivar that had a very unusual and highly desirable seed. The plant, when exhibited at local shows, won many awards. Lord Ramsbottom was so thrilled with his new hybrid that he showed the award-winning herb at the Royal Horticultural Society Exhibition at Kew Gardens in London.

One of the visitors to the exhibition was the owner of several greengrocer stores around London. His name was Abe Shapiro and he had found prosperity in England after emigrating from Minsk and working long and hard. Abe's knowledge of the market for herbs and spices was legendary and he was asked how he thought the newly developed strain would do in the marketplace.

He responded, "Vell, I t'ink it's a vunderful ting, dis new herb. So unusual. I can't belief dat mine eyes haff seen the cory, and der cumin of da Lord."

(By Bob Levi from "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel ©2007 Marion Street Press)


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 Mar 08 - 09:38 AM

It appears that the CIA has captured a suspected rebel threat by the name of Obi-wan Kenobi.

He has refused to talk, and is on a hunger strike; the guards, however, are *Force* feeding him.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Michael
Date: 20 Mar 08 - 01:24 PM

So they would be feeding him a Nestle breakfast cereal against his wiil then?

Mike


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Mar 08 - 03:20 PM

He is not the terrorist you're looking for...


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Mar 08 - 03:29 PM

"Visit to NYC"

Chris: How was your trip to New York?

Brian: Well, a mugger stopped me and said, "Gimme your money, or I'll blow your brains out."

Chris: What did you do?

Brian: I told him to go ahead and shoot. He was so shocked, he ran away.

Chris: Wow! He told you to give him your money or he'd blow your brains out, and you told him to go ahead and shoot?

Brian: Yeah. You don't need brains to live in New York, but you can't get along without money.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: dwditty
Date: 20 Mar 08 - 03:35 PM

True story:

My youngest daughter lost a tooth...she was about 6. As she was going on and on about the Tooth Fairy, her older sister said, "Mom's the tooth fairy." The youngest paused a momemnt, thinking, and replied, "Mom can't be the tooth fairy. She is home every night."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Marty
Date: 21 Mar 08 - 06:42 AM

I had to give up tap dancing. I kept falling in the sink.
Fozzie Bear


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Mar 08 - 10:17 AM

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'.

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning: One brilliant flash and it's gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bert
Date: 21 Mar 08 - 11:49 AM

Tree said "I'm Jealous"

Dante says "No you're not, you're Grandma!!!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Mar 08 - 09:40 AM

"Customs Inspection"

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11.

Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation, "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Mar 08 - 01:26 PM

I like that. Reminds me of Mom, once asked where her accent came from, answered Eet koms frrom trrying to speek Eenglish!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 22 Mar 08 - 03:32 PM

Uncle Dave's lastreminds me of when Groucho was doing his You Bet Your Life in the UK.

The contestant was a woman from Liverpool.

I'm told you have a lot of children.

Yes, I've 12 children.

Isn't that rather a lot?

Well, I like it.

I like my cigar, but i take it out of my mouth once in a while.


   Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Mar 08 - 08:35 PM

sorry, autolycus, but Snopes says it didn't happen, and how the false story got moved to Liverpool is beyond me!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Big Mick
Date: 22 Mar 08 - 08:52 PM

I guess I should read the first two threads, but I will take the chance that no one has told these two.

An old man looks over the fence and sees the young daughter of his neighbor with a shoebox on the ground, and a shovel. The little girl is crying as she is digging the hole. Fearing the worst, the old man asks her why she is crying and digging the hole. "I am burying my pet parakeet" she sniffed. "I'm so sorry," sez he, "but, why such a big box for a parakeet?". She answers, "Because it's inside your fecking cat."

Clancy is having a drink with Seamus. Seamus has this puzzled look on his gob, obviously deep in thought. "What're ye thinking about, Seamus?", sez Clancy. "I was just wonderin', Clancy, if you was out fishing tomorrow, and I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife, and she became with child, would we be related?" Clancy scratches his head, and thinks very hard. Finally he says, "Well, I don't know if we would be related, but we would be even".


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 23 Mar 08 - 05:15 PM

Bill, thanks for that. Now I know.

I can help with the 'why Liverpool?' bit.

Groucho did his prog in the UK. If this is an urban legend, then someone re-worked the story as a British one. Liverpool is a city with a considerable Catholic population. The rest follows according to a familiar stereotype.


Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Mar 08 - 09:48 AM

"Technical Testing"

One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs
was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions,
handed a rifle, and a few rounds of ammo. He
loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the
target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of
his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target.
He looked at the rifle again, and then once more
at the target. He placed his finger over the end of
the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his
other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon
he yelled toward the target area...

"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be
at your end!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,dick greenhaus
Date: 24 Mar 08 - 10:09 AM

Subject: Don't mess with old dogs!

A wealthy old man decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Observer
Date: 24 Mar 08 - 10:42 AM

On their fiftieth anniversary, Milo and Madge had dinner with their EIGHT kids and many grandchildren. Finally they were alone and sat on the porch holding hands.

"Darling," said Milo, "I've always wondered about something in regard to our children."

"What's that, dear?" asked Madge.

Milo slowly explained, "Conrad looks different from our other SEVEN kids, and I always have wondered if he had a different father."

Madge squeezed his hand tightly and said, "Well, I guess I can tell you now that Conrad did have a different father than the others."

After a long pause, Milo said, "Please tell me who his father is."

She smiled sweetly and said, "You."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 24 Mar 08 - 10:56 AM

The last two were excellent,imo.

                WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT

   A tax-collector's next call was down in a basement place.

   He knocked, all was dark and quiet, but the door gave a little. He entered and saw a tiny bit of light, so he made for it.

   As he walked towards it, he kept hearing a regular "tt!tssss". The light got bigger, the "tt!tssss" got louder.

   he reached a room and found a little old man, hunched over an itoning-board, under a single dim globe, regularly spitting on the iron, which then hissed (as they do)

   The two got talking, an the old man told his story.

   I used to be an explorer (he spits) "tt!tssss". One day, I was striding along in the jungle,"tt!tssss", and suddenly I was faced by a very hungry lion,"tt!tssss", so I turned and ran. But the lion, "tt!tssss", charged after me, "tt!tssss". he caught me, and ate me up "tt!tsss".

   But you're alive, said the tax man.

    "tt!tssss". The old man replied, you call this 'living'?


    Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 24 Mar 08 - 11:52 AM

A Sunday School teacher asks the class: Does anyone know where God lives.

A little girl's hand goes up, Please Miss, God lives in our bathroom. (i.e. not the toilet; the room where you keep the bath.)

Teacher says, Why do you say the bathroom?

Little girl says, Cos every morning my Dad goes to the bathroom door and says,"God, are you still in there?"

   Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Mar 08 - 07:07 PM

"Telemarketer Tips"

What to say to hucksters (who telephone during dinner or
in the middle of a riveting TV show peddling sides of beef,
municipal bonds, aluminum siding, computer software or
whatever)

1. The police photographer is still here, and the county
medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner
yet. Can you call back a little later?

2. You called at the right time, buster. I'll order carloads
of whatever you got just to restore my credit rating.
Those turkeys down at the bank go bananas over one little
bounced check or two.

3. I'm sorry, the taxi is at the door right now. We're heading
off on a 90 day world cruise aboard the Empress of Bermuda.

4. Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new address.
As of next Wednesday, it'll be care of the warden, maximum
security wing, Attica Correction Facility, Attica, N.Y.

5. What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you?
The battery has run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please,
louder. Is that the best you can do? I'm afraid we're just
not communicating.

6. I'm afraid you have the wrong number. This is a funeral
home or what we like to call a counseling chapel for the
bereaved. Visiting hours are from 2 to 5 and 7 to 10.

7. I'm just house sitting here, buddy. The owners won't be
back for a couple months. You wouldn't have a good deal on
off-brand whiskeys and beer by the case, would you? Maybe a
little grass or snow?

8. Too late pal. As of tomorrow, Uncle Sam will take care of
all my necessities. But you might try my drill instructor
at Camp Pendleton. In other words, tell it to the Marines.

9. I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any
minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it.
Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away.

10. Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back.
The better business people said I need more positive
identification to file my complaint. Now first let
me have your name and telephone number.
Hello? Hello?

11. Well, if this ain't the living end. The furniture
is out on the sidewalk; the sheriff's auction is about to
begin and you want to sell me a freezer full of prime beef.
Keep talking. I can dream, can't I?

12. The number you have called is a working number like
you wouldn't believe. Let me make you a counter-proposal.
How about the company of one of our swinging little ladies
for an evening? Our personalized dating service guarantees
satisfaction, and we do take credit cards.

13. Sorry to cut you off like this but Uncle Harry is choking
on something.

14. The furnace just conked out, there's a foot of water in the
basement and I nearly broke my neck on the kid's skate board
getting to the phone. You wouldn't have a special on cyanide,
would you?

15. You better talk to my wife when she gets back from Reno.
This place will be all hers then.

16. The dog just died and I'm so glad to have someone to
talk to...

17. Excuse me, this nice police officer, here, said that I
should inform you that my phone is being tapped. Now,
what kind of drugs did you say you were selling?

18. You have reached the Prosecuting Attorney's office,
if you will hold on a minute, I'm SURE he'd like to
talk to you.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Mar 08 - 10:56 AM

So, the madam looks out the window, and who's heading for the whorehouse but the town's only Ethnic. Now, she knew that none of her girls would want to get with him, so she quickly blows up a fuckdoll and leaves it in a bed in the attic. Sure enough, Ethnic comes in, and while her girls scatter the madam tells him she has a special treat for him, up in the attic room. Up he goes, tromp tromp tromp. About 15 seconds later down he comes, tromp tromp tromp. The madam says, why so quick, wasn't she satisfactory? The ethnic replies, I'm not sure... I took my pants off, got into bed, bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Mar 08 - 10:59 AM

"Oneliners

Hummingbirds are nature's way of teaching
humility to cats.

It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

The ice cream truck in our neighborhood now
plays rap music.

Hawaii is the only U.S. state to produce coffee.

Money talks, but a credit card uses sign language.

The worst thing about censorship is ******************.

Tolerance is letting other people find happiness
in their own way instead of your way.

Only when the plumbing is stopped up do you
realize that a flush is better than a full house.

If you plan for a decade, plant a tree.
If you plan for a century, teach the children.

You may forget with whom you laughed
but you will never forget with whom you wept.

We can never see ourselves as others see us.
Even the mirror image is backwards.

Speak when you are angry and you will make
the best speech you will ever regret.

The next time someone says to you, "Nothing's
impossible," tell him, "Go dribble a football."

I don't know the key to success but,
the key to failure is to try to please everyone.

You can't take it with you... and with high taxes,
lawyer's fees, and funeral expenses, you can't
leave it behind either.

Speaking of immigrants, how did the California
Governator get a green card? Was there a
shortage of body builders in the early '70s?

I'm going to invest my money in taxes.
It's the only sure thing to go up.

Football isn't a contact sport. It's a collision sport.
Dancing is a contact sport.

Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."

The world is coming to an end. Insert 25 cents to
continue.

The only thing lazy people do fast is get tired.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."

They told me I was gullible . . . and I believed them.

As long as we have each other, we'll never run out
of problems.

Shouldn't the National Guard change its name to the
International Guard?

We wouldn't have to drive defensively if so many of you
weren't driving offensively.

Skydiving's good to the last drop.

Organized crime is alive and well; it's called auto
insurance.

Boldly going nowhere.

I just got back from Orlando, and they need to
rename it Tollando.

One thing about children, they never bore you with
pictures of their parents.

Flattery is the best cure for a stiff neck because
there are few heads it won't turn.

Our highways have become insane asylums
with turn signals.

Ten years from now, many antiques will be made
of plastic.

I'm so old I remember "car phones."

On I-80, the official bird of California is a hand
gesture.

Clutter is my trademark.

Nature abhors a vacuum, even in the heads of
statesmen.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that
we have to alter it every six months.

Before taking a long trip, fill your tank and empty
your bladder.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 26 Mar 08 - 05:09 PM

What do you get if you cross a philosopher with a member of the Mafia?


























you get an offer you can't    understand.


   Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 26 Mar 08 - 05:16 PM

Just found this and had to share it.

With someone :-)

i And here's a sort of odd quiz for prospective violists: YOU TOO CAN BE A VIOLA PLAYER WITH THE BBC SYMPATHY ORCHESTRA

Look what we have found. While sifting through the BBC's dustbins the other day we came across this. The pass mark is 10% but be careful, over 45% and you are overqualified. The marks for each question are shown on the right.

ENTRY EXAM FOR THE BBC SYMAPTHY ORCHESTRA---VIOLA PLAYERS

Who wrote the following:-
a) Beethoven's 6th Symphony
b) Faure Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle [15]
Tchaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other five. [5]
Explain 'Counterpoint' or write your name on the reverse of the paper. [10]
Which of the following would *you* tuck under you chin?
a) a timpani
b)an organ
c)a cello
d)a viola [1]
Can you explain `Sonata Form'? Answer yes or no. [5]
Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi opera?
a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton [5]
Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument? [5]
Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first.
a) Quickly
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace. [4]
Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance? [5]
Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?
a) Des O'Connor
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
d) Terry Wogan [5]
Which of the following is the odd one out?
a) Sir Colin Davis
b) Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
d) Desmond Lynham [5]
Arrange the following words into a well known Puccini opera.
Boheme, La [5]
Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz? [5]
From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
a) Venezuela
b) Sri Lanka
c) Germany
d) Japan [5]
For what town were Haydn's 'Paris' symphonies written? [5]
Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture 'Romeo and Juliet' -- Tchaikovsky
b) 'Romeo and Juliet' -- Berlioz
c) 'Romeo and Juliet' Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) 'Ten Green Bottles' -- anon. [5]
LI>From which song do the following lines come?
'God save our gracious Queen, Long live our Noble Queen.' [5]
Spell the following musical terms: allegro, rallentando, crotchet, pizzicato, intermezzo [5]
Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera? [5]
Arrange the following letters to form the name of a well known British broadcasting corporation: C, B, B. [5]


   Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,strad
Date: 27 Mar 08 - 07:09 AM

Autolycus, are you going to post the answers - please-?


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Mar 08 - 12:14 PM

"Fighting Tools"

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking
like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is
in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little rat, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't
do that to you with his fists, he must have had something in his
hand."

" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast,
and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight!"

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 27 Mar 08 - 01:09 PM

No strad, I might mark the answers of others, tho   :-)

Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 05:03 AM

Am I missing something or is this just plain ofensive and should be removed?
"So, the madam looks out the window, and who's heading for the whorehouse but the town's only Ethnic. Now, she knew that none of her girls would want to get with him, so she quickly blows up a fuckdoll and leaves it in a bed in the attic. Sure enough, Ethnic comes in, and while her girls scatter the madam tells him she has a special treat for him, up in the attic room. Up he goes, tromp tromp tromp. About 15 seconds later down he comes, tromp tromp tromp. The madam says, why so quick, wasn't she satisfactory? The ethnic replies, I'm not sure... I took my pants off, got into bed, bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ernest
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 08:21 AM

Les,
what you are missing is that you won`t be able to find a country named "Ethnicia" on the globe.

Since it is not directed to any specific ethnicity (everyone is one somewhere) who can claim that it is directed towards him?

If this is offensive every joke about Irish, Polish, German, English, French, male, female, senior, junior, gay, straight people, lawyers, doctors, politicians musicians - in other words: about everybody would be offensive.

Admittedly artificial-persons-designed-to-satisfy-the-carnal-needs- of-people-who-are-attractivity-or-boldnessly-challenged might find the term "fuckdoll" offensive...

;0)
Ernest


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 08:49 AM

Um, yeah, the reason I *used* "ethnic" is that it doesn't matter whom you tell the joke about, because it isn't an ethnic joke! That's part of the joke! And it's funny, no?


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 12:01 PM

In the end a joke makes us laugh or it doesn't. That's it really. If I don't laugh it doesn't matter at all.

Maybe this is a case of differing cultures.In the UK "Ethnic" usually,but not always, means "Ethnic Minority". In this context the "Ethnic" in the joke is clearly some kind of stupid.

"If this is offensive every joke about Irish, Polish, German, English, French, male, female, senior, junior, gay, straight people, lawyers, doctors, politicians musicians - in other words: about everybody would be offensive."

I guess we all feel that jokes that target any group for some kind of stereotype or just to mock them for some reason is unworthy.

If most of us wouldn't tell anti-semitic jokes at a Jewish party we probably wouldn't tell them anywhere. Of course many groups tell jokes against themselves amongst themselves and that is up to them.

Once upon a time their were 2 rabbits...................









look how many their are now.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ernest
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 12:33 PM

Les,

don`t you think your joke about rabbits is offensive to rodents?

;0)
Ernest (carefully watching out for inflatable suicide bombers from Ethnicia with long ears now)


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 01:01 PM

Um, rabbits aren't rodents...


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 01:04 PM

Just testing. I have tried to discuss this with rabbits and I have to say they didn't seem offended. But then who am I to judge how they felt?

Quite often people who tell jokes that might be offensive to members of a group never check it out or test if members of that group are in the audience.

I guess I was also showing an ignorance of Darwinian evolution since their never was a time when their were only 2 rabbits.

What has 7 eyes and cannot see?












Three blind mice and half a pigs head


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 07:22 PM

Did yez hear aboot the bloke who started a business makin' inflateable dutch footwear?

It wez aall gannin' canny until he popped his clogs!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 08:01 PM

Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 04:42 AM

Then there was the housewife who bought some sheep's eyes at the butchers to see her through the week.


presumably that's insulting to all carnivore housewives.

P'raps every joke should be preceded by a warning about who the joke's insulting. :-)

Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 06:24 AM

Isn't it a play on words that offends nobody?


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 09:36 AM

High Blood Pressure

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, the patient said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.

"Neither", the patient replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now", the doctor said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 09:49 AM

Les, don't plays on words laugh at people who can't do them, understand them, or generally finds word-handling problematic?

And jokes themselves are an insult to people with no sense of humour.

Gold!

THAT'S the defence of humour against accusations of insult.


In any case,


After the train accident in France, one survivor was asked what he thought the reason for the accident was.

he replied, Too loose le treck.


a pun that insults French rail, the esteemed work of Toulouse Lautrec, the lovers of same, the proponents of proper speech - I mean that's getting on for nearly everyone.



   Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 01:35 PM

LOL!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 01:59 PM

Les, don't plays on words laugh at people who can't do them, understand them, or generally finds word-handling problematic?

I don't think so


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 03:10 PM

So, Les, are you chortlin'?


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peace
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 03:15 PM

"THAT'S the defence of humour against accusations of insult."

What a wonderful, incisive statement.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 03:33 PM

I chortle relentlessly and have much enjoyed Manchester's Comedy Store and Les Baker. Much great humour and I don't think anyone suffers except through the laugh ache!

Cheers


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 03:43 PM

"Role Play"

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both
worked full time, but he never did anything around
the house and certainly not any housework. That,
he declared, was woman's work.

But one evening Mary arrived home from work to
find the children bathed, a load of wash in the
washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner
on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete
with flowers.

She was astonished, and she immediately wanted
to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley,
her husband, had read a magazine article that
suggested working wives would be more romantically
inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all
the housework in addition to holding down a full-time
job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in
the office.

"How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even
cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework,
folded the laundry and put everything away."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted
to know.

"It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too
tired."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 03:58 PM

Peace, where do you want the cheque (check) sent?


Dorothy Parker's favourite phrase = cheque's in the post

Les. Happy to agree to differ.

   Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 06:01 PM

We were a very poor family..autolycus...and my mother used to send me to the butchers to buy a 'sheeps head'...she told me to ask for the head and tell the butcher to cut it as near to its a..e as possible....and to leave the eyes in..to see us through the week.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peace
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 06:34 PM

We were so poor that if you didn't wake up with an erection on Christmas day ya just had nothing to play with.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 04:36 PM

Lookshery. When i were a lad, we didn't have Christmas. being Jewish might ha' been connected. So I just lay there wondering why i wasn't at school. :-)


Not - um - really.

    Talking of poverty,
   
    There were two brothers. One got rich, the other poor.

   The poor one used to complain his rich brother ignored him.

One day, the rich one died. The poor brother turned up for the will-reading.

The lawyer said there was 50k for this and 100k for that, and 200k for the other. he ended the recital with,

"And to my nrother, who says I've always ignored him,



   hi."





   Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 07:27 PM

"Homeless"

A man was walking down the street when he was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless man who asked him for a couple of
dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, are you going to buy
some beer with it instead?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless
man said.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?"
the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need
everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf
course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't
played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two
dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a
terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded, "Won't your
wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm
dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want
her to see what a man looks like who's given up
beer, gambling, and golf!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ythanside
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 01:38 PM

Hey, Autolycus, Dorothy Parker's favourite phrase was 'cheque enclosed.'

Apologies for the pedantic response, but if every promised cheque that I have waited for actually was in the post I should be a rich and happy man today. As it is I just make do with being happy.
Cheers,
Ythanside
:-D)


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 05:23 PM

From Phil Cunningham or Aly Bain on Prairie Home Companion this past weekend (help me before I cite again!):

Did you hear about the man who thought he was a moth?

He went to see a doctor.

The doctor said he couldn't help him, he really should see a psychiatrist.

Says the man, "Well, actually, I was on my way to the psychiatrist, but then I saw your light on..."


~ Becky in Tucson


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 08:39 AM

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.



The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.



The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'?

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'?





You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -



'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 08:42 AM

Love it love it


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Alan Day
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 05:52 PM

A pheasant died of natural causes and his mates through him under a car
because that's what he would have wanted.
Al


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 08:39 PM

The other day I found 2 scrap pieces of wood on the footpath - both 2x2

In the words of the old song...

2 b 2b2


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Apr 08 - 09:03 AM

"Accident"

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "There
was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, Lord no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and
gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,
Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness
Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times
to pee!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 03 Apr 08 - 01:54 AM

Ythanside, quite right, Ta.


   He. Would you go to bed with me for a million pounds.
   She. Why,er, yes.
   he. Would you go to bed with me for one pound.
   She. Certainly not, what kind of woman do you think I am?
   he. We've already established what kind of woman you are.
       Now we're just haggling over the price.


    Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Apr 08 - 03:17 PM

Here are the "Best Divorce Letter" and the "Best Response Thereto".

"Best Divorce letter"

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving
you. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and
I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks
have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice
I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal
and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't
want sex or anything that connects us as husband
and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't
love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have
a great life!

and then the
"Best Response to a Divorce Letter"

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your
letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7
years, although a good man is a far cry from what
you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown
out your constant whining and griping. Too bad
that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week,
but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You
look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me
not to say anything if you can't say something
nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you
must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER,
because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from
you because the $49.99 price tag was still on
them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that
my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that
morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could
work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million
dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to
Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything
happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have
the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't
get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell And Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my
sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not
a problem.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 05 Apr 08 - 04:32 PM

How many coutry-and-Western singers does it take to change a light-bulb?

Two. One to change to the new bulb, the other to sing about the old one.


   Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Apr 08 - 06:14 PM

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the EMT asked Kathleen, a 5-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 5-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack him again!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Apr 08 - 06:17 PM

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a Handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: wlisk
Date: 06 Apr 08 - 05:00 PM

MI SSING HUSBAND


Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife ran out to the driveway.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 06:34 PM

"College Zoology"

A young college student had stayed up all night
studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered
the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on
them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs
were showing.

The student sat straight in the front row because he
wanted to do the best job possible. The professor
announced that the test would be to look at each of the
birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus
and species.

The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all
looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had
stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds
by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder
he got. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up
to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test!
How could anyone tell the difference between birds
by looking at their legs?"

With that the student threw his test on the professor's
desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised.
The class was so big that he didn't know every student's
name so as the student reached the door the professor
called, "Mister, what's your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and
said, "You tell me, buddy! You tell me!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Apr 08 - 08:24 AM

"New Word Definitions"

Found posted in the Physical Planning Office
at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania.

*Contractor -* A gambler who never gets to shuffle,
cut or deal.

*Low Bidder -* A contractor who is wondering what
he left out.

*Project Manager -* The conductor of an orchestra
in which every musician is in a different union.

*Critical Path Method -* A management technique
for losing your shirt under perfect control.

*OSHA -* A protective coating made by half-baking
a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and
baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun.

*Strike -* An effort to increase egg production by
strangling the chicken.

*Completion Date -* The point at which liquidated
damages begin.

*Liquidated Damages -* A penalty for failing to
achieve the impossible.

*Auditor -* Person who goes in after the war is lost
and bayonets the wounded.

*Lawyer -* Person who goes in after the auditors
to strip the bodies.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 11 Apr 08 - 05:17 AM

Dog owners: when walk your dog and it keeps stopping at the same place to sniff it's just reading its wee-mails.

RtS
(I'll get me lead)


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Apr 08 - 03:02 PM

"Summer Thinking (or, Who Will Be Refreshed?)"

In the heat of summer, a fly was resting on
a leaf beside a lake.

A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular,
"Gosh, if I go down three inches I will feel the
mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh,
if that fly comes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh,
if that fly goes down three inches...that fish will
jump for the fly and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the
bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese
sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes
down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that
bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll
shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one
bank of a lake. But I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and
that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs
for that fish, this dumb hunter will shoot the bear
and drop his cheese sandwich, and I can have it for
lunch!"

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and
thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks
of this particular lake around lunch time: "Gosh,
if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish
jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that
fish, and that hunter shoots the bear, and that mouse
makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I can have
a mouse for lunch!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: MudGuard
Date: 12 Apr 08 - 07:56 PM

You forgot about the wolf thinking that if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish
jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that
fish, and that hunter shoots the bear, and that mouse
makes off with the cheese sandwich, then the cat concentrates on catching the mouse and I could catch the cat for my lunch ...


;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Apr 08 - 09:49 PM

A Shaggy Hound Story

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench.

To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was.

While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him.

Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had! Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass.

As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did! The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is.

One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bert
Date: 15 Apr 08 - 12:18 AM

That was AWFUL Uncle_DaveO. *Big Grin*


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Apr 08 - 07:02 PM

LOL! SO worth the read!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Apr 08 - 09:42 PM

Love it, Uncle DaveO!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: alanabit
Date: 16 Apr 08 - 03:17 AM

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
He was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it
in the next race, and it won again.

The local paper read:


PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
Publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

Next day the local paper headline read:


BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.


This was too much for the bishop, so he
Ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
Nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news,
posted headline read:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
Get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for 10 euros.

The day after the headline read:


NUN SELLS ASS FOR 10 EUROS.


This was too much for the bishop, so he Ordered the nun to buy back
The Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run Wild.

The next day the headlines read:


NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.


The bishop was buried the next day!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Apr 08 - 12:44 PM

WHY GOD MADE MOMS         
All answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just go to work and work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power, 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?   (I really like this one!)
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair.. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get RID of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mooh
Date: 21 Apr 08 - 06:30 AM

How many folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least two. One to hold the bulb and the others to drink until the room spins.

Peace, Mooh.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Apr 08 - 07:26 AM

A patient absconded from a mental institution and made his way to the local town where he entered the laundrette. Whilst in there he raped two women and then propmptly ran off. The headlines in the paper the following day:-


Nut screws washers and bolts!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Apr 08 - 08:32 PM

"Running a Business"

There was this man who, many years ago,
worked for a large business. That was his
lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy
there. He wanted to go in business for
himself. He saved his money and finally
had enough that he could quit and start his
own business.

About two years later, I was on vacation and
was going through the town where his
business was located. I stopped by for a
visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year
is the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we
are doing pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting
to where I only have to work half a day."

"Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think
about going into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't
matter which twelve hours you work."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 23 Apr 08 - 09:21 PM

I think the internet is bad for the development of humor

look at this!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Apr 08 - 10:00 PM

Now look Bill, dont get your muds wordled!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Apr 08 - 08:57 AM

That one was on Mudcat as a Shaggy Hound Story... I laughed quite a lot, unfortunately!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Apr 08 - 05:12 PM

I do have to add that Uncle Dave always has a well-crafted version of a joke. His shaggy hound story caught my interest, as it 'developed' the idea well, instead of being compressed down to a 10 second sound bite, like several of those in the link.

I like those stories even better when they don't require some odd, contrived name like "Mace" to make the pun.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,RIch
Date: 24 Apr 08 - 05:35 PM

A scientist invents a headband that will allow her to hear the thoughts of people just by looking at them. She's been working in the lab for months and now, with success at hand, she decides she deserves a night out. She goes to the local bar and finds that a band is playing there. She can't help but to try out her new headband. FIrst she looks at the guitar player and hears "Man, check me out. Every girl in the bar is hanging on every note I play!" Then the pianist. "He's sure impressed with himself. I do more with one hand." The drummer, "I'm doing all the work and everyone pays attention to the guitar!"

The bassist, "C...G...C...G"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Apr 08 - 12:02 AM

"don't require some odd, contrived name like "Mace""

Mace would seem like a pretty good name for a Pit Bull Terrier...


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Apr 08 - 08:22 AM

Amazing simple home remedies:



1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.



2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.



3. Avoid arguments with the ladies about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.



4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.



5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.



6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.



7. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.



8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.



9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.




Daily thought: some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Midchuck
Date: 25 Apr 08 - 09:49 AM

A variant on Guest Rich's joke:

Q: How many bluegrass bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I'm not sure...One?...Five?...One?...Five?...One?...Five?...

Peter


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Apr 08 - 10:46 PM

99, 100, Change Threads!


:-)


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 11:59 AM

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. He peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ythanside
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 04:17 PM

Two guys in doctor's waiting room.

1st guy, 'Hi there Joe. What are you sseing the Doc about?'

Joe, embarrassed, 'I've only got one testicle. I'm getting married and I want to know if I can father children.'

1st guy, 'Oh, that's nothing to worry about. You'll be fine. I know a few guys who only have one testicle, and it's never stopped them fathering kids. As a matter of fact my cousin has odd-shaped testicles and he's got six kids.'

Joe, intrigued, 'Odd-shaped testicles? Really?'

1st guy, 'Yeah, one's small and cube-shaped like a dice, and one's big and round like a pool ball.' He becomes thoughtfull before adding, 'The other three are perfect.'


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 04:28 PM

The origin of your joke Kat:-


Saint Peter wanted a whole day off,
From his work at the pearly gates.
To go and play a game of golf,
With some of his heavenly mates.

"Jesus" he said "Your dad told me,
I could have a day of rest.
If someone would stand in for me,
Could you? It's not a test."

"Of course" said Jesus, "willingly,
But who would I keep out?
Best write a list for me St Pete,
In case there's any doubt."

The following morning Jesus stood,
At the pearly gates for Pete.
Sent some away and let some in,
The list was near complete.

Then Jesus saw an aged man,
With long grey hair and beard.
Someone He thought he recognised,
The feeling was quite wierd.

"Come to take your place"? he asked
The old man He thought He knew.
"I'm searching for my son" said the man,
"My search has been long and true"

"What did you do on earth old man"
Asked Jesus with due haste.
"A brilliant carpenter" he said,
"I furnished many a place".

Jesus looked at the man again,
Who he really thought he knew.
"How would you know this son"? he asked,
As He sought another clue.

"That's really easy" the old man said,
You'll know him if you meet.
He's the only one I've ever seen,
with holes in his hands and feet.

Jesus became excited now,
As any person can.
"Father"? Jesus asked him,
"Pinnocio"? asked the man!.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 05:05 PM

Thanks, GS. A friend sent it to me in response to the Shaggy Hound story I sent him.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 29 Apr 08 - 07:06 AM

It's back in the summer of 1960 and Jack goes to Peggy Sue's house to pick her up for a date. He's a very cool guy because he has his own car and a black leather jacket and his hair is slicked back into a d.a. He rings the doorbell but Peggy Sue's mother answers.

"Peggy Sue isn't quite ready yet. Why don't you come in and have a seat?"

Not an offer Jack can refuse, so he goes in and sits down on the couch. Peggy Sue's mother asks him what they plan to do on their date.

"Well, uh... we'll probably go down to the drugstore and have a soda, then maybe we'll see a movie..."

Peggy Sue's mother asks brightly, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear everyone's doing it."

Jack, not able to believe his ears, just says, "Excuse me, Ma'am?"

"That's right," smiles Peggy Sue's mother. "Peggy Sue just loves to screw. Why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Jack's smile gets a bit broader and a lot more sincere. He immediately begins to revise his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Breathless with anticipation, Jack escorts his date out the door while Mom says, "Have a good evening - hope you two enjoy yourselves."

About twenty minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue comes rushing back into the house, her hair a mess, her blouse askew. She glares for a moment and then says,

"Motherrrrrrrr - how many times do I have to tell you? It's called THE TWIST !!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Apr 08 - 11:52 PM

LOL, Bonnie, thanks!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Apr 08 - 05:36 PM

"Company Security"

Several years ago I worked for a small company that
had frequent break-ins. In response, the company
installed a new security system with alarms, codes
and key pads.

Late one night the alarm went off and the police
raced to the scene. Outside the building, wandering
around the grounds, they spotted and apprehended
a suspect. Since I am the Security Director, I got the
first call.

The officer said, "We caught the culprit, an old guy.
He tried to pass as an employee, but he knows
nothing about your business."

"Oh," I said, "that's probably the President. You better
let him go."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Becca72
Date: 30 Apr 08 - 06:11 PM

Three women—one engaged, one married, and one a mistress—are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men: that night all three will wear an S&M-style leather suit, stilettos, and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days, they meet again.

The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather suit, 4-inch stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated, "Oh, yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather suit, stilettos, mask over my eyes, and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said, "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather suit, stilettos, and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, sat down on the couch and said, "Hey, Batman! What's for dinner?"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 30 Apr 08 - 06:36 PM

A secretary came back from lunch to find her boss standing in front of the new shredder, looking mystified, with a piece of paper in his hand. "How do you work this thing?" he asked.

Without saying a word, she took the paper from him, fed it into the slot, and pressed the button. (It was the only button on the front of the machine.) The machine started to whirr, and the paper disappeared into it.

"Great!" he said. "Now, I'd like three copies."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 05 May 08 - 04:04 AM

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind...but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song:
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run, Forrest, run."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 05 May 08 - 04:05 AM

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said, "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000-square-foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said, "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?" The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said, "What a shame! What a disappointment!"

The fourth man replied, "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.

"And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top-of-the-line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 May 08 - 09:48 AM

"Going to the Zoo with Dad"

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great!" little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 May 08 - 10:37 AM

"Sunday Drive with Mom"

A father who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his seven-year-old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and he really did not feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out.

When they returned, the little girl eagerly ran upstairs to see her father.

"Well," the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?"

"Oh yes, Daddy," the girl replied, "and do you know what? We did not see a single dumb bastard or stupid a-hole!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,melinda
Date: 05 May 08 - 12:22 PM

I heard that Pepsi Co. just fired a whole bunch of employees.


They tested positive for Coke.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 07 May 08 - 09:55 AM

Smart Cajuns!

Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to Arkansas where he bought him a donkey from an old farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, 'I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died last night.'

'Well, den,' said Boudreaux, 'jus' give my money back, yeah.'

'I can't do that, sir. I went and spent it already.'

'OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey.'

'What are you gonna do with him?'

'I'm gon to raffle him off.'

'You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!'

'Well, dat's where you wrong! You wait you an' you learn how smart we Cajuns are!'

A month later, the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

'I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998.'

'Didn't anyone complain?'

'Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 07 May 08 - 04:53 PM

A man takes his family to a restaurant for a birthday meal. They decided to try a swish new restaurant in the town centre. As they are shown to their table, the man is impressed by the quiet efficiency of all the staff.

When the waiter has taken their order, the man says to him, "Excuse me, but I couldn't help noticing all the waiters carry a dessert spoon in their top pockets. Why is this?"

"Well, sir," the waiter replies, "it's all about efficiency. We noticed that the item most frequently forgotten when setting the table is the spoon. We all carry a spoon to save time going back to the kitchen to get one."

"Very good," says the man, "but I have one more question. I also noticed a piece of string attached to the zip on the fly of your trousers. What's the purpose of that?"

The waiter leans forward and replies softly, "There are actually two strings – one attached to the zip and one to the tool. It's all about efficiency. When we use the toilet, if we can avoid touching the tool, there is no need to stop to wash one's hands – this saves a great deal of precious time."

The man replies "That's a great idea…but tell me, how do you put the tool away?"

The waiter leans forward again. "Personally sir, I use the spoon."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Becca72
Date: 09 May 08 - 03:29 PM

Francis was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked, 'How much for that faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Francis had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary yelled back, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

And this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Dead Horse
Date: 09 May 08 - 03:56 PM

Warning - Blonde Joke!
Two blonde girls were working for the town public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 May 08 - 07:49 PM

MEN: Natural-Born Cooks (THE BBQ RULES)
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

First, of course, there's some routine stuff...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine stuff...

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

Still more routine...

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 May 08 - 08:23 AM

"Change"

The buzzword of this election is "CHANGE." Candidates toss it around without saying what they want to change.

Ten years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the "Gunny" that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.

The "Gunny" responded, "Aye, aye, sir. I will see to it immediately." He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and he wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Witkowski. Brown, you change with Schultz….

"Change! Now, get on with it."

A candidate may promise change in Washington but the stink remains.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 May 08 - 08:26 AM

"In Charge"

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just could not seem to get to work on time. Every day he was five, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. Nevertheless, he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but you are being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That is what I like to hear. It is odd though, you are coming in late. I know you are retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 May 08 - 06:57 AM

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 18 May 08 - 04:48 PM

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 19 May 08 - 01:08 AM

Seen recently:

Five tips for a woman:

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.





5.
It is important that these four men don't know each other.

John


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 19 May 08 - 01:23 AM

Probably posted here before, but I don't remember where:

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,

"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

John


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 May 08 - 09:34 AM

Country Wisdom:

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles. (Males this is for you Especially)


Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.


Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers
or weeds.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.


Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.


The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post "Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers and politicians Without creating a hostile work environment.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 May 08 - 10:39 AM

SOME WORDS OF WISDOM

    When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

    A penny saved is a Congressional oversight.

    The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

    The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

    He who hesitates is probably right.

    Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

    If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

    If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

    The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

    There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

    Did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'Theirs.'   
   
    Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

    The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.   

    Some people try to turn back their personal odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
    I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

    When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
   
    You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
   
    One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
   
    Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
   
    First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
    It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

    Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
    Today, it's called golf!
      
    Lord,
    Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 May 08 - 08:56 AM

OK, learned some new old ones:

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in your arms?

Carrie!

What do you call a fish with no eye?

Fsshhh!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 May 08 - 09:33 AM

Science Exam Children's science exam answers


Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jun 08 - 08:48 AM

"Parking Meters"

Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"

Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jun 08 - 09:03 AM

A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job.

The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.

As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.

"Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that beautiful song?"

"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long'."

Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said, "Interesting title. Do you have another?" The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was finished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to overflowing.

"You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep. "Just amazing! What do you call that one?"

"Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler'." The bartender held his tongue -- the guy was certainly good, despite the outrageous song titles.

Then, he rose, excused himself and shuffled off to use the restroom.

While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said, "Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever heard. If you want the job, it's yours."

Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and whispered, "Sir, do you know your pecker's hanging out for all the world to see?"

"Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I wrote it!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: dwditty
Date: 02 Jun 08 - 11:14 AM

On the Pope's recent visit to New York, he was struck by the response of "the people" and felt very close to them. Wanting a taste of being an ordinary guy, he told his chauffeur he wanted to drive to Yankee Stadium for the big show. The driver, realizing the request was from the Pope, climbed in the back seat without a word. The Pope drove off, and within minutes, made an illegal turn and was stooped by one of New York's finest. When the Pope handed the officer his license and registration, the cop figured he better call the station for advice.

He explained to the desk sergeant that he had just pulled over someone rally important. The Sgt. asked, "Who, the mayor?" The cop responded, "No, someone much more important than the Mayor."

The Sgt. then queried, "The Governor?" The officer replied, "No, the Gov. is small potatoes next o this guy."

The Sgt screamed, "Who is it then?" The officer answered, "I have no idea who this guy is, but the Pope is his freaking driver!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jun 08 - 04:40 PM

REDNECK CONTRACEPTION

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

** NOTE: This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia, Mississippi and West Virginia. Florida just made the list.

Dave Oesterreich
(The full-service, equal-opportunity offender)


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jun 08 - 05:13 PM

Murphy arrived home from work and announced to his wife "D'ya know that Patrick next door got a vascectomy"?   She said "Good heavens...he only got his Nissan a couple'a months ago"!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 04 Jun 08 - 05:36 PM

HOW to SAVE the AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?



Sincerely,
Bill Clinton


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jun 08 - 06:18 PM

severed-head...that so made me laugh.....thank you!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Walrus
Date: 05 Jun 08 - 12:56 AM

"...Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues..."

Hijackings inspired by fundementalist Muslim groups may come to a halt, but I could forsee lots offlights being hijacked by 'Frat Boys' with demands like "I don't care where you fly, just go somewhere that you can fill up the fuel tanks, take on more beer and take off again"

W


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Jun 08 - 09:17 AM

"Before the Cell Phones"

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone, not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.

So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.

Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone?" he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"

"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Jun 08 - 10:36 AM

New Element discovered:

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization
in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

--Anonymous"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Jun 08 - 07:46 PM

"Governmentium"

What happened to "Beauracratium" - did it decay?


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Jun 08 - 09:24 PM

Anagram Fun

A VILE old woman on EVIL bent
Put on her VEIL and to St IVEL she went
LEVI, she said as she closed the door
If I LIVE I'll be back by four.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Jun 08 - 02:24 PM

"Emerging Intelligence"

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with
each other.

The first spaceman says, "The dominant life
forms on the earth planet have developed
satellite-based weapons."

The second alien, who looks exactly like the
first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...
They have them aimed at themselves."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jun 08 - 08:38 AM

"Golf Murder"

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, “Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jun 08 - 08:52 AM

"New Thermos"

A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."

"Wow!" said the blonde. "That's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blonde replied, "Two popsicles and some coffee."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 09 Jun 08 - 10:11 AM

Linda Burnett , 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Republican, and a McCain supporter, but that could be irrelevant.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: RangerSteve
Date: 09 Jun 08 - 02:32 PM

The Linda Burnett story has been around for a while, it's an urban myth.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 09 Jun 08 - 02:34 PM

Nooooooo - Say it ain't so..


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Jun 08 - 09:19 AM

"biscuit canister had exploded from the heat"

This was the subject of a Mythbusters episode - it was found to be capable of happenning - at least the explaoding package bit - also spray cans too.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 10 Jun 08 - 11:55 AM

By the way - this next story never really happened. It's a joke:

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and he pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused and said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"You have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Jun 08 - 08:42 AM

"Bird Painting"

Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," he says.

"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask what you need to paint with it?"

"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."

"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"

"No, they won't," Jim replies.

"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."

"You're on!" says Jim.

Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten dollars on the counter in front of the clerk.

"So the paint killed your bird?"

"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Dead Horse
Date: 12 Jun 08 - 04:48 PM

Way I heard it, twas the blow-lamp that killed the bird while trying to get the old paint off!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mickey191
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 10:26 AM

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 01:50 PM

Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Phillip Glass


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 02:00 PM

?? 'Splain, Wes?

What did one tomato say to the other?








Catch up!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 02:16 PM

Oh No.....two tomatoes on a plate, which was the cowboy?


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 02:19 PM

Phillip Glass is a composer - know for repetitive patterns. Some call it "Minimalist Music".


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 09:59 PM

Q. When it's half of one & six dozen of the other, what do you have?

A. A gross discrepancy.

*

Q. Who was Aristotle's purple pupil?

A. Alexander the Grape.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 14 Jun 08 - 12:03 AM

And others just call it minimalist crap!**bg** Good one, Wesley!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 14 Jun 08 - 01:08 AM

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper on his pillow. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Jun 08 - 08:42 AM

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Maria, times are tough. I must make do on what my husband gives me. I'm not getting a raise. Tell me three reasons why you deserve one."

Maria says, "Well Senora, The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "I see."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?!"

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

She got the raise.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Irene M
Date: 14 Jun 08 - 02:57 PM

The person who told this, swore it really happened.

Two farmers fell out over the ownership of a bit of land.

Come market day, one went to see a solicitor in town and explained about the dispute. He said he wanted legal representation to take the matter to the court. The solicitor said he was sorry, but he was already representing the other farmer, but could suggest another solicitor. He told the farmer to wait while a letter was written, to be given to the other solicitor.

It being market day, the farmer stopped in at the Cattle Mart Inn and had a few. He ran into the other farmer who had also had a few. Over a couple more, they sorted out their dispute and decided to see what the letter said, that the solicitor had written......

"Two fat hens have broken cover. You pluck one and I'll pluck t'other."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 03:24 AM

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded....'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 09:59 AM

"Bubba and the Shrink"

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.

"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 10:05 AM

"Big Pill"

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and guzzles down water until the pill clears his throat.

He hobbles back into the examining room.

The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Okay, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least thirty minutes."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 07:48 PM

The Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.'

'I see' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste' answered the Rabbi. 'We save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.'


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 08:48 PM

Have you ever wondered who Casper the Friendly Ghost was before he died?


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 04:55 PM

Wasn't he one of the Three Wise Men?


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 05:27 PM

He was Casper the friendly guy!! Of Course.....!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Jun 08 - 09:20 AM

OK, help me with this one, it came to me for no known reason.

Two redneck evergreens:

One: I want yew!
The other: What fir?


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jun 08 - 09:38 AM

One could obviously end up pining for the other.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: RangerSteve
Date: 17 Jun 08 - 03:14 PM

Caspar is the same exact shape as Richie Rich. And you never see them together in the same comic book. Hope that answers your question, BWL.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Amos
Date: 20 Jun 08 - 06:52 PM

"he Guardian (UK) thought it would be enlightening (or at least fun)
to let their sports commentators write reviews of cultural events.
The funniest one is the golf columnist's review of a symphony concert
featuring pianist Yefim Bronfman. --Bob

The pianist Yefim Bronfman was born in Uzbekistan in 1958, moved to
Israel in 1973, and made his debut with the New York Philharmonic
five years later (at age 20). This made him something of a musical
boy wonder. The good news is that, 30 years later, he has become a
fully grown, middle-aged wonder. I know this because (a) his
biography in the concert programme tells me so, and (b) when this
concert ended the audience went (and I use the following word
advisedly) bonkers. This reaction shocked me, because I had no idea
that people who were into classical music were also into going
bonkers at the end of a performance. It was a bit like turning up at
St Andrews and seeing the crusty old gentlemen of the R&A
stage-diving after Tiger Woods holed a putt to win the Open.

I am loath to take issue with this visceral enthusiasm. These people
paid good money for their seats, and presumably they knew what they
were getting so excited about. Then again, this is my review, and it
is my opinion that counts -- even though my only previous experience
of classical music was an open-air performance of Mozart's Requiem in
Chicago's Grant Park on a sultry August night, the most memorable
moment of which came when one of my friends turned up with a case of
exceptionally cold beer.

Such philistinism notwithstanding, I am bound to say that the second
classical concert of my life wasn't as good as I thought it would be.
Yefim is a magnificent pianist, as far as I could tell. He played
with tremendous energy and enthusiasm, which is more than you can say
for most of the golfers I spend my working life watching. Even if he
did play any bum notes, which I am sure he didn't, they were lost in
an ocean of other notes.

The problem, at least to my cloth ears, is the music. Brahms' Piano
Concerto No. 1 in D minor, the centrepiece of an evening devoted to
the composer, has come to be seen as a masterpiece. But as it is
longer than three minutes and not as immediately catchy as, say, Be
My Baby by the Ronettes, it failed to hold my attention.

This is a terrible admission, no doubt. But in my defence, my
attention remained fixed, tangentially at least, on what was going on
inside the concert hall - which is to say I spent most of the night
pondering why it is I would much rather have spent it watching sport
- any sport. The answer, I think, is this: uncertainty. The essence
of sport, and therefore of sports writing, is the unscripted nature
of its narrative and the uncertainty of its outcome. Yefim Bronfman
is a genius, no doubt, but he didn't write his own script - Brahms
did - and the ending hasn't changed in the last 150 years, and won't
for another 150. Tiger Woods, on the other hand, writes a new
concerto every day, each one better than the last."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jun 08 - 09:07 PM

"Tax Advisor's Story"

The tax advisor had just read the story of
Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter
for the first time.

The little girl was fascinated by the story,
especially the part where the pumpkin turns
into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the
pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would
that be classified as regular income or a
long-term capital gain?"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jun 08 - 09:09 PM

"Favorite Drink"

One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with
her to visit a friend at work.

Everyone there knew her, and she was offered
a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees
went to make more coffee, her son followed her
and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she
answered.

Imagine the woman's shock when she heard
her son say, "Wow! You know how to make beer?"


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jun 08 - 09:10 AM

One night our dog suddenly began barking
almost every night at around 3 a.m.

Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched
the back yard for what might have disturbed this
otherwise peaceful animal.

For three days he found nothing amiss. When
the dog woke up the neighborhood a fourth night
at 3 a.m. with frantic barking Larry finally sneaked
around the house through the alley only to discover
our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of
wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence at
the dog.

My husband demanded to know what he was
doing.

"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed
neighbor explained. "If she gets woken up in the
middle of the night one more time she says
she'll leave."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 09:10 AM

"Military protocol"

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant
in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary
assistant in an administrative office in a Military
Intelligence unit.

One day a long memo came around with a cover
sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it
and initial it as indication of their compliance. I
figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

BUT a few days later, it came back addressed
specifically to me. An attached note read: "You
are not permanently assigned to this unit and
are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase
your initials and initial your erasure."


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 08:34 PM

Continued in 4th Joke thread of 2008!


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 09:47 PM

Hmmm... Your link points to a birthday thread from 1999.


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 12:05 AM

Bad Joke, sorry - :-)

Try 4th Joke thread of 2008!

one of the numbers fell out...


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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peace
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 08:00 PM

Not the best joke so far, but pretty good.

Continued in 4th Joke thread of 2008!


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This Thread Is Closed.


Mudcat time: 17 February 4:49 AM EST

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