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BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007

GUEST,Andrez 28 Sep 07 - 08:59 AM
GUEST,Andrez 28 Sep 07 - 08:45 AM
GUEST 28 Sep 07 - 01:27 AM
Doug Chadwick 27 Sep 07 - 03:04 PM
jeffp 27 Sep 07 - 02:47 PM
Doug Chadwick 27 Sep 07 - 02:29 PM
Wolfgang 27 Sep 07 - 08:13 AM
Wilfried Schaum 27 Sep 07 - 08:01 AM
The Fooles Troupe 26 Sep 07 - 10:46 AM
Mrrzy 25 Sep 07 - 08:48 PM
Wolfgang 25 Sep 07 - 10:50 AM
Wilfried Schaum 24 Sep 07 - 11:45 AM
The Fooles Troupe 24 Sep 07 - 10:43 AM
Wilfried Schaum 20 Sep 07 - 01:24 AM
Geordie-Peorgie 19 Sep 07 - 02:00 PM
wlisk 19 Sep 07 - 09:03 AM
The Fooles Troupe 18 Sep 07 - 06:47 PM
Uncle_DaveO 18 Sep 07 - 05:40 PM
Wilfried Schaum 18 Sep 07 - 04:29 AM
The Fooles Troupe 18 Sep 07 - 01:32 AM
The Fooles Troupe 17 Sep 07 - 09:11 AM
Partridge 16 Sep 07 - 05:40 AM
julian morbihan 16 Sep 07 - 04:56 AM
BK Lick 16 Sep 07 - 12:53 AM
HuwG 14 Sep 07 - 08:15 PM
Bert 14 Sep 07 - 12:58 PM
autolycus 14 Sep 07 - 04:08 AM
The Fooles Troupe 13 Sep 07 - 10:08 PM
Maxine 13 Sep 07 - 06:02 PM
Uncle_DaveO 13 Sep 07 - 04:52 PM
MudGuard 13 Sep 07 - 11:02 AM
Uncle_DaveO 13 Sep 07 - 10:22 AM
Uncle_DaveO 13 Sep 07 - 10:21 AM
autolycus 13 Sep 07 - 04:08 AM
Skipper Jack 12 Sep 07 - 02:33 PM
Mrrzy 12 Sep 07 - 09:37 AM
The Fooles Troupe 12 Sep 07 - 08:49 AM
Bryn Pugh 12 Sep 07 - 07:44 AM
autolycus 12 Sep 07 - 05:26 AM
Roger the Skiffler 12 Sep 07 - 05:19 AM
Michael 12 Sep 07 - 04:58 AM
Alba 11 Sep 07 - 09:21 PM
The Fooles Troupe 11 Sep 07 - 09:17 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 Sep 07 - 08:52 PM
autolycus 11 Sep 07 - 07:18 PM
Cluin 11 Sep 07 - 03:21 PM
RangerSteve 09 Sep 07 - 06:27 PM
autolycus 09 Sep 07 - 06:16 PM
Genie 09 Sep 07 - 04:06 PM
Keith A of Hertford 09 Sep 07 - 03:53 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Andrez
Date: 28 Sep 07 - 08:59 AM

Hi folks,

Here's something else that I picked up a while ago and thought it would contribute to the continuing edification and appreciation of this thread.

Enjoy!

> The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University
of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying
it as well.
>
> Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
>
> Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
>
> One student, however, wrote the following:
>
> First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
>
> As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.
>
> With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
>
> This gives two possibilities:
>
> 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
>
> 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
>
> So which is it?
>
> If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence
of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."
>
> THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
>Cheers,

Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Andrez
Date: 28 Sep 07 - 08:45 AM

John Howard at the pearly gates

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself, who says that since the implementation of His new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for all eternity."
"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,"simpers Howard.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules," Peter says firmly. And with that he escorts Howard to an elevator, which goes down, down, down ... all the way to Hell.

When the doors open Johnny finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 24 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse, and standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and other Liberal Party luminaries who have helped him out over the years - Harold Holt, John Gorton, Billy McMahon;they' re all there, and everyone is laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, hug him and start to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, John!" "Uh, I can't drink any more, I took a pledge," says Howard, dejectedly. "Hell, son, this is Hell! You can drink and eat all you want without a worry, and it just gets better from there!"

Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST and the Free Trade Agreement promises.
They are having such a great time that, before he realises it it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as he steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens he is in Heaven again and St Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them.

No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster - and these people are all poor Johnny doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special. "Whoa," he thinks to himself. "Bob Menzies never prepared me for this!"

The day done, St Peter returns. "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity." With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Howard reflects for a minute ... then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this - I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all, but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell When the elevator doors open he is in the middle of a barren,scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste.

He is horrified to see his friends dressed in rags and chained together, picking up rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They groan and moan in pain, their faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder."Welcome, John!" "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Howard. "Yesterday there was a golf course and a club-house, and we ate lobster and caviar, and drank tequila; we lazed around and had a great time and now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Sep 07 - 01:27 AM

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
    I ought to delete this since it's anonymous - but my stepson's taking a flight lesson at this very moment, so I'd better leave the joke in his honor.
    Next time, put a consistent name in the "from" box.
    -Joe Offer-


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 Sep 07 - 03:04 PM

I didn't realise that a bonobo was a type of chimpanzee. You learn something every day.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: jeffp
Date: 27 Sep 07 - 02:47 PM

Bonobo apes have very active sex lives.


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 Sep 07 - 02:29 PM

Well, I took it that "bonobos" was dyslexic for "baboons". Does that help, Wolfgang?

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wolfgang
Date: 27 Sep 07 - 08:13 AM

I thought I did understand the apes joke until I read:

The ape one would work with chimps but not bonobos, who would all have sex and then share the banana.

Now I'm looking for a hidden clue.

Wolfgang


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 27 Sep 07 - 08:01 AM

Continued with the Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
It's Time for a change, isn't it


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Sep 07 - 10:46 AM

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Sep 07 - 08:48 PM

The ape one would work with chimps but not bonobos, who would all have sex and then share the banana. I wonder if it would be simultaneously...


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wolfgang
Date: 25 Sep 07 - 10:50 AM

A very recent one:

"Have you heard that Marcel Marceau has actually died way back in August?"
"But why is it only in the News now?"
"His family had thought he was exercising for a new pose, until the corpse began to stink."

Wolfgang


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 24 Sep 07 - 11:45 AM

Says the husband to his wife: Oh my dear, you have a butt like a threshing-machine!
In the night in bed he starts to fondle his wife tenderly and tries to mount her.
Says his wife: for one tiny straw I won't start my threshing-machine!


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Sep 07 - 10:43 AM

Creating Beaurocracy

Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana, but as soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result -- all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Turn off the cold water.

If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.

Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs.

Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been around here."

Sound familiar?



Folk Music anyone?


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 20 Sep 07 - 01:24 AM

Heard it some days ago in Belgium:

Why do Belgian women have square nipples?
To get the babies accustomed early to French fries.


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 19 Sep 07 - 02:00 PM

A Lesbian gans in for a smear test

The doctor mentions that he's never seen such a clean and well-kept minge.

She says, "Well! I DO have a woman in twice a week!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: wlisk
Date: 19 Sep 07 - 09:03 AM

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of
government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Sep 07 - 06:47 PM

Ahh sigh - someone deleted the blank message thus my previous now falls flat...


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Sep 07 - 05:40 PM

"A Good Question"

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory
prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended
and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without
you we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my
very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully
for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

"Mom, what is butt dust?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 18 Sep 07 - 04:29 AM

Another question:
at which precise moment does a pig become porc (or a cow beef)?
When it gets slaughtered? When it gets divided into parts?


At the point where it passed from the hands of the Saxon peasant to become an item for the table of the Norman overlords.
On that principle, I'd expect when (it was/they were) made into the cut that was to be cooked. I suppose the cooks and servants in the Hall would be using the jargon of their masters when dealing with an item for "the boss".
My guess.


Good guess, Dave. It is confirmed somewhere in Scott's Ivanhoe where a Saxon complains about changing old alderman Ox's name to Beef when entering the Norman's table.

Sorry to enter this so late but I was abroad some days.


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Sep 07 - 01:32 AM

Hahahaha! ROFL! Good One DaveA.

but it's a bit like number 27, isn't it?


:-P


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 09:11 AM

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new
doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What's the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?'


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Partridge
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 05:40 AM

Mildred and Earl

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: julian morbihan
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 04:56 AM

He: Do you like Dickins?
She: I don't know. I've never been to one.


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: BK Lick
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 12:53 AM

He: Do you like Kipling?
She: I don't know, you naughty boy -- I've never kippled.


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: HuwG
Date: 14 Sep 07 - 08:15 PM

I vaguely remember an old rhyme ...

There once were three people called Stein
There was Gerd, there was Ep, there was Ein
Gerd's writings were bunk,
Ep's statues were junk,
And nobody understood Ein.

Anybody know the source ? (sounds like Dorothy Parker, but I can't place it.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Bert
Date: 14 Sep 07 - 12:58 PM

Heinz had to stop putting pictures of babies on their Baby Food Line...

I guess the dog food makers had to do the same.


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 14 Sep 07 - 04:08 AM

For this joke , the reader needs to know that Lipchitz and Epstein were famous sculptors.

       You knew that? Well I didn't know, I'm sorry, we hadn't been intro...........anyway,

      A guest arrives at the day-after-the-bar mitzvah dinner. She surveys the opulent scene, the mouth-watering food, and in the centre of the main table, a life-size sculpture of the bar mitzvah boy loving created out of chopper liver.

    "What do you think of the sculpture of my boy Bernie?"

    "I've never seen anything like it," says the guest,"Who did it? Lipchitz or Epstein?"

    "Lipchitz, of course!" replied the mother," Epstein only works in egg and onions."


    Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 Sep 07 - 10:08 PM

"If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?"

In Asian countries, they expect that a can of food has a picture that reveals what is inside.

Heinz had to stop putting pictures of babies on their Baby Food Line...


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Maxine
Date: 13 Sep 07 - 06:02 PM

This one is a ripper!!

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." So they met and it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in a romantic motel.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same - she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Sep 07 - 04:52 PM

At the point where it passed from the hands of the Saxon peasant to become an item for the table of the Norman overlords.

On that principle, I'd expect when (it was/they were) made into the cut that was to be cooked. I suppose the cooks and servants in the Hall would be using the jargon of their masters when dealing with an item for "the boss".

My guess. YMMV.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Sep 07 - 11:02 AM

Why do you have to "put your two cents
in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?"
Where's that extra penny going to?


Taxes ... ;-)


Another question:
at which precise moment does a pig become porc (or a cow beef)?
When it gets slaughtered? When it gets divided into parts?


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Sep 07 - 10:22 AM

"Senior Dress Code"

Many Seniors (those over 50, WAY over 50,
or hovering near 50) are quite confused about
how they should present ourselves. Despite
what you may have seen on the streets, the
following combinations DO NOT go together
and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least...my personal favorite:

13. Thongs and Depends

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Sep 07 - 10:21 AM

"Questions That Haunt Me . . .”

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway!

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your rectum?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 13 Sep 07 - 04:08 AM

Thanks, Foulstroupe - I MADE IT WORK - Hurraaaaaaaaaaaah!!

Now to find those classical music funnies.


   itm,hecmj,

   Beethoven's Mum, shouting up,

   "Ludwiiiiiiiiiiiig!"

   "Yes, muzzer."

   "Your dinner's ready."

   "I can't muzzer, I'm compawwwwsing"

   "Ach,Ludwig, you and your (to the famous phrase)
ya -da -da - daaaaaa, ya - da -da - daaah."

   "Muzzer, zet's it !! zet's it !! Muzzer , you're a genius ."


   
      Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Skipper Jack
Date: 12 Sep 07 - 02:33 PM

A pirate walked into an inn and the innkeeper said, Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine!"
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit by a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight and my hand was cut off. I'm fine, really."
"What about the eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were out at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."
"Oh come now, you couldn't lose an eye from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook1"


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Sep 07 - 09:37 AM

A new (to me) racist joke:

Why paint your canoe black? Because then it won't tip.


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Sep 07 - 08:49 AM

If you put "Joke Thread" into the Filter at the top of the Threads List Page and set the date back a few years, most of the ones I started using that title for (at first each successive date thread was crosslinked to the ones before and after) will turn up - a few other joke threads are referenced from in those.

But there are so many other joke threads - some of them are from before the days when the BS: id was started.

And some of the funniest moments are not jokes, but just happen in some threads, even some of the 'serious' music ones.


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 12 Sep 07 - 07:44 AM

One I heard from Hamish Imlach (the Gods be good to him) many years ago, but it still makes me chuckle :

What's a good way of keeping flies out of your kitchen ?

Keep a bucket of shit in the lobby.


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 12 Sep 07 - 05:26 AM

Mike, I - ahem -er- think you -er- 9cough, cough) - er - do know what it proves.

LOL esp. Bee and Roger ( and millions of others - what do I hit to find all the joke threads, if i don;t work it out first)


    very very lazy (on holiday) Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 12 Sep 07 - 05:19 AM

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she
looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.

The sign says:

"SEX FROGS"

Only $20 each!

Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the
instructions!

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions
and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to
do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . .
NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this
point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper
it says, "If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet
store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within
minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and
says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn
frog just SITS there!"

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly
into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

"LISTEN TO ME!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this

ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!"


RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Michael
Date: 12 Sep 07 - 04:58 AM

Foolestroupe- I first heard that from Rambling Sid Rumpo.
(Not sure what that proves; but I like both.)
(Not sure what that proves either.)

Same source:-

K.W. "I was walking through a field the other day and saw a beautiful young woman driving towards me one of those big farm machines."

K.H. "A tractor?"

K.W." Well I think I must have done because she-"

K.H."I don't think we need to hear anymore, thankyou."


Mike


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Alba
Date: 11 Sep 07 - 09:21 PM

A man goes into a Store and asks "Do you sell Polish Sausages?"
The Store Assistant asks "Are you Polish Sir?"
The man becomes annoyed and abruptly asks the Assistant " If I had asked if you sold Italian Sausage would you have asked me if I was Italian. If I has asked if you sold Kosher Hot Dogs here would you have asked if I was Jewish? Why ask me if I am Polish just because I came into your Store looking for some Polish Sausages?"

"Well, because this is the Home Depot Sir" replied the Store Assistant.


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Sep 07 - 09:17 PM

The English Gentleman was out in the woods hunting Game, when he came across a scantily clad young female.

"Are you Game?" he asked her.

"Yes", she said.

So he shot her.


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Sep 07 - 08:52 PM

A big game hunter was hunting in the jungle when he came across the carcass of the biggest rhinocerous he had ever seen, with a little Pigmy standing beside it. He asked the Pigmy, "Did you kill that?" The Pigmy said, "Yes I did." The hunter then asked, "What did you use to kill it with?" The Pigmy replied, "My club." Amazed, the hunter asked, "Well, how big is your club?" The Pigmy replied, "Oh, there's about thirty of us."


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 11 Sep 07 - 07:18 PM

Why do men have transparent lunch boxes?
































    So they know whether they're going to work, ot soming home from work.




    Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Cluin
Date: 11 Sep 07 - 03:21 PM

Once upon a time, in the land of Nodd, there lived a beautiful queen with magnificent and legendary breasts. They were hailed by poets from all over the world as being the most perfect of their kind and were considered the formost of the country's national treasures. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for consummating his desire would be death should he try to touch these regal fun bags, but he had to try.
   So one day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said finally that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but that it would cost 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed.
   The next day, Horatio made up a special mixture of itching powder and poured a little of it into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Right after she had gotten dressed, the itching began and soon grew intense. She could get no relief. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this problem, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only the saliva of a Dragon Slayer, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch.
   The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the royal bosom. The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was even hailed as a hero.
   Upon returning to his home, Nick found Horatio waiting, demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. His desires now satisfied and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, Nick told the physician there was no way he was going to pay the agreed-upon fee.
   The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer to his chambers.

   The moral of the story... Pay your bills.


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: RangerSteve
Date: 09 Sep 07 - 06:27 PM

A church pastor is in a diner talking with some of his congregation and mentions that the church organist is ill and won't make Sunday's service, and he doesn't have a replacement. Over in the corner another member of the church hears this and says, "Pastor, I can play the piccolo and I'm really good and I can play all of the hymns and I know if you let me I'll do a great job". So the pastor agrees to let him have a go at it. On Sunday morning, the pastor gets up in front of the congregation and explains the situation. Then he announces that they will sing Hymn number 22. The piccolo player whispers to him "I'm sorry, Reverend, but that one's too hard. You have to pick another". The Pastor says, "We will instead sing Hymn number 102". The piccolo player whispers "Sorry, but that one's also too hard, you'll have to pick another". The pastor tries hymn number 341, with the same result. Someone in the congregation yells out "Piccolo players a mother fucker". There's a dead silence. The pastor then says "Will the person who just called the piccolo player a mother fucker please stand up. No one does. He then says "Will the person sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a mother fucker please stand up?". Again, no one stnads up. "Will the person sitting next to the person sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a mother fucker please stand up?". Someone stands up and says, "Pastor, I'm not the one who called the piccolo player a mother fucker, and I'm not sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a mother fucker, and I'm not sitting next to the person sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a mother fucker. And I don't care who called the piccolo player a mother fucker. What I'd like to no, however, is who called that mother fucker a piccolo player?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 09 Sep 07 - 06:16 PM

Two bleokes order their meal in a restaurant. As the waiter is about to depart, one man says,

   "Can I have a glass of water?"

   "Yes, sir."

   The other chap says,

   "Yes, I'll have a glass as well, and can you make sure it's a clean glass."

   The waiter goes. Shortly, he returns with the two glasses and says,

    "Er, which of you gentleman was the one who wanted the clean glass?"



    Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Genie
Date: 09 Sep 07 - 04:06 PM

I heard that Little Hawk went to see the doctor recently. The first admonition the doc gave him is,
"You're going to have to stop masturbating."

"Why do I have to do that," Hawk asked, bewilderedly.
















"So I can examine you," replied the doctor.


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Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Keith A of Hertford
Date: 09 Sep 07 - 03:53 PM

I sent a friend Geordie P's office joke.
He sent back..
I liked that one! In fact, had she not had a hangover, Alice might have
replied:

"Look, if you were any sort of a man you would lay me and jack off at the
same time."


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