Mudcat Café message #518069 The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #37057   Message #518069
Posted By: Alice
30-Jul-01 - 09:48 PM
Thread Name: Suspect Physical Abuse--What to do?
Subject: RE: Suspect Physical Abuse--What to do?
I agree with Joe and the others who say contact a shelter for help with this situation. About 20 years ago I was in a realtionship with a man who turned his violent rage against me after we had been together for five years. He had not been violent before that, but once it started, each incident escalated in danger. Everyone else saw him as a soft spoken gentleman, including me, until he started breaking furniture and punching walls, and eventually attacking me... only when there were no other people around to witness it. I thought no one would believe me, and I couldn't believe it myself at first. I was embarassed to tell anyone, because I thought I was too intelligent to be with someone like that! Thank God I didn't marry him, and I could get out of it with a restraining order. What got through to me was to hear from the psychologist (the one my boyfriend went to for counseling) that I could be killed. He described the experience of counseling a domestic abuse couple where the wife and a friend of hers ended up being shot dead by the husband. He regretted not telling the woman to get to a safe place. He regretted not stepping in and taking action to prevent another attack. He saw that I was in danger of being killed (I had been threatened that he would kill me).

It is important that you take some action to advise your friend that she cannot ignore how potentially fatal her situation is. A few years ago, one of my best friends confided in me that his girlfriend had kicked him in the head while he was asleep. I had found a hole punched through the wall in his house, where she had put her fist. She had attacked him in many ways, but he was too embarassed to let anyone know what was going on. She would fly into rages and attack. It is even more difficult for men being attacked in domestic abuse situations to speak up. Realize that it's better to be embarassed than to be dead. It's better to be rejected by your friend after you give her information on abuse, than to go to her funeral. Unfortunately, many people who pursue career and social status are so focussed on that, they would choose risking their life rather than their career or status. She is choosing to be a punching bag and risk her life rather than admit she has to get out of a sick relationship. You and the domestic abuse counselor/shelter in your area have to get through to her somehow. Call the shelter for their assistance.