Mudcat Café message #3313898 The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #143053   Message #3313898
Posted By: LilyFestre
26-Feb-12 - 11:35 PM
Thread Name: Feb 2012 - Exercise by Leaping Over Clutter
Subject: RE: Feb 2012 - Exercise by Leaping Over Clutter
Ok. So here's the thing. I'm drowning. My house is in ok shape but there is certainly much to be done. My energy level is in the toilet. I've been sick. There has been some stress in my family concerning my grandmother's health and place of residence. My last thyroid check was RIDICULOUS. Chemo is still working it's way out of my system (just how freakin' long does that take?!?!?!?). I keep thinking things need to be as they were before my cancer diagnosis. The thing is...I'm about 18 months out of treatment now and I find myself in this weird limbo. I want what my life was before...I want to be at the weight I was before cancer, I want the energy I had before cancer, I want my body to do the things it could do before cancer but those things just aren't reality.

That left me thinking. My life before cancer was kind of like the first chapter of my life. Then I hit a giant freaking pot hole. Lately I've been standing in the middle of the road, kind of in a haze. Don't misunderstand, I have been doing my best to take excellent care of the baby and my husband but just about everything else has fallen to the wayside. So..if that was the first chapter, what is it I want in this second chapter? Some things just aren't going to change or ever be the same...that's called change and growth. You all know how I love my yoga. Well, the reality of today says I can't afford it, I don't have a sitter during that time of day and that's that.

I suppose I'm rambling but my point...because, yes, I do have one, is that the first chapter of my life was pretty darn fantastic. There's no reason to think that the second half won't be equally as wonderful or even better but if I stand here in the middle of the road, in the fog...longing for what was and kinda being skittish about the road ahead...I'm going to be standing in the fog for a long time and not going anywhere. So...after a long talk with the Love of My Life, we have an initial plan and tonight I took the first step forward in writing to my endocrinologist (who I see next week) about what's really going on for me (as in...I feel like I'm trying to run in hip depth mud and how I feel like the earth just sucks me in at every turn) and how we can medically get a grip on this so I can move forward.

Pete and I discussed a few other things and we'll see how it goes. It was a hard conversation to have...I can't do this..it isn't working...I need your help....but in the end, it was a good conversation to have. I needed to hear that he KNOWS I am deeply fatigued and that he KNOWS I am doing my best to take care of things around here and that Jeremiah and he are my top priority...and most importantly (at least to me) is that he acknowledges that I am NOT being LAZY.

With that said, there was no physical decluttering today but a plan has been created...at least the beginning steps of a plan...something that I can manage for the next few days and then we'll take a look again. It's a tough thing to say I can't do all of this when you are used to doing it all...but I've been struggling and trying to keep up and I just can't.

I am cutting myself a break and starting this game over.

Welcome to Chapter 2.

Michelle