Mudcat Café message #2796288 The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #126022   Message #2796288
Posted By: Little Hawk
25-Dec-09 - 01:25 PM
Thread Name: BS: Bobert's Stoner Christmas Story...
Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Stoner Christmas Story...
A stoner is also someone who has discarded traditional religions and traditional customs in favor of a new religion...a cult devoted to gathering with other cult memberes and sucking a vile-smelling smoke into one's lungs in a convivial manner while doing much vigorous coughing (because the lungs are fighting desperately to keep themselves alive and functioning under the circumstances).

Following the coughing, the cult member says something appreciative like "Wow. Good shit!" He then passes the "joint" over to the next worshipper who repeats the process.

It is fairly obligatory for cult members to discuss the origins and quality of the aforesaid "good shit", and they can do so for hours. Some good shit comes from Asia, some comes from Mexico and Latin America, some is grown locally on vacant lots, on balconies or in your bedroom or basement under a grow light.

The police, for some inexplicable reason, show a great deal of interest in "good shit", although they seldom smoke it least not in public anyway! They will go to great efforts to discover where people are growing their shit or where they are hiding it. This would be understandable were the police willing to share in the fun of smoking it, but they are not! Instead, these uniformed miscreants will either STEAL it...or worse yet, they will destroy it in an act of outright vandalism!

The antisocial foolishness so offensive to devout stoners continues as the judges, lawyers, and courts get into the act, punishing the hapless stoners who worship and partake in "good shit". This is probably because the judges and lawyers are deeply jealous, given the fact that they can't grow "good shit" themselves and are too uptight to learn how to.

It's very petty behaviour, if you ask me.

Now, all you have to do to educate yourself about "good shit" and its relative value is to make friends with some stoners, hang around their place, and watch carefully what they do and listen to what they say.

You will soon discover that "good shit" makes a person get pretty laid back and easy-going. An uncharitable way of putting it would be: "fuckin' lazy and good-fer-nothin'!"   It can also give some people "the munchies", meaning they will raid the fridge a lot and order pizza and stuff.

You can smell a stoner from quite a ways off, because he and everything he wears smells like burnt shit. This will really bother you if you don't smoke anything yourself. Trust me. ;-) A stoner is 5 or 6 times more likely to be male than female, but there are still a reasonable number of female stoners, so the race is not likely to die out any time soon.

Stoners are easy to get along with, affable, and easily amused. A stoner can happily spend 2 or 3 hours being fascinated by the pattern in the wallpaper, and he can get by with a vocabulary of less than 24 words and short phrases. He is also generous, always willing to share freely in his habit, which is more than you can say about the Mafia.

Stoners are pretty safe to be around, because they are usually too relaxed to get uptight about anything. Stoners are very seldom on time for anything, so don't expect them to show up when they said they would...UNLESS it is to pick up some "good shit". If it is, then you can set your watch by them.

If the German Army had all been stoners, WWII would have ended in a decisive Allied victory by around, oh, maybe early June 1940... ;-) Too bad Hitler wasn't a stoner, eh? It would have saved a lot of lives.