Mudcat Café message #1142163 The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #67653   Message #1142163
Posted By: Richard Bridge
21-Mar-04 - 05:19 AM
Thread Name: BS: Dating Behaviour - am I out of touch ?
Subject: RE: BS: Dating Behaviour - am I out of touch ?
If one of two people uses sex as a barter item, witholding it until some collateral criterion is satisfied, the other in question can be pretty sure any long term relationship will be a battleground of manipulativeness.

If one of two people wants sex more or more frequently than the other, or in a different manner or style than the other, the first proposition above is likely to become true.

Two people may retain a long term relationship despite the above, even if the two people exchange their respective roles as set out in the immediately preceding paragraph. But it does not make it easier in either case.

If a person wants sex with another (not necessarily any particular other), but is not getting it, it is a lot more difficult to deal with when and if that person is one of two people in a relationship than if that person is not in a relationship. Try being hungry in a sweetshop.

Accordingly bothered and bewildered risks preventing the development, and indeed precipitating the end of a relationship.

Disregard convention. Make up your own mind about what you really want and be honest with yourself. If you have sex, do not feel guilty about it. The right thing to do is not a matter of whether you are "in touch" or "out of touch". But of course the relevant other party may very well be aware, consciously or not, of the first four paragraphs above, and decide accordingly. If there is a fundamental issue between the parties about how and how often to have sex, while the relationship may not necessarily be doomed, difficulties are likely to follow.

Nonetheless, if you say : -

"I reserve the right to hop into the sack right away if I want.
I reserve the right not to."

the other person may think the same way, but you cannot reserve the right to hop into the sack unless there is another person who will do the same.

Personally, I cannot understand why people form "relationships" unless they are sexually attracted to each other. In most cases that is mostly a matter of appearance, but the evaluation of that matter of appearance is only partly dependent on dress. Other factors of course may tend to vary the impression gained from appearance, but you have to start somewhere.

Fourteen days is, I suggest, plenty long enough to decide if you are sexually attracted to someone. Equally, because of societal norms (wheter as to "right and wrong" or aesthetics) you may feel inhibited in expressing your own sexuality.   A lifetime may not be long enough to decide whether you will still be bound by the social conventions you were exposed to in your formative periods.   If they conflict with your decision as per the first sentence of this paragraph then the second third and fourth paragraphs at the very beginning of this post are more likely to become relevant if unwelcome.