Mudcat Café message #1134122 The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #67653   Message #1134122
Posted By: Little Hawk
11-Mar-04 - 04:11 PM
Thread Name: BS: Dating Behaviour - am I out of touch ?
Subject: RE: BS: Dating Behaviour - am I out of touch ?
I'm back. Got busy for awhile there.

I should mention that I also like cats, and always have liked them. Dogs? I like some of them and don't like others. Some dogs are too aggressive for my taste, and some are too pushy. It depends on the individual. Most cats I find are quite likeable, though there is the odd paranoid sorehead among cats.

I had something I tried to post yesterday and it wouldn't go through. I think I saved it in the buffer. Let's see...

Yes, there it is:

Sounds like you're a faster learner than many or even most people, Freda. Good for you. :-) I've observed many, many people who seem to be in the grip of a "lemming-like drive towards being with someone for the wrong reasons". This is because they don't want to change.

In my own case, I've noticed that the women I became seriously involved with seemed to be roughly in 2 categories:

1. Those I had a ton of really difficult issues to work out with...those involvements were all long, complex, and exceedingly painful at times...with their really great moments too.

2. Those I had not too many issues to work out with...those involvements were generally a lot shorter and less painful...also with their great moments.

But that's only me.

Of my parents (who have been together for their whole adult lives) I would say: they came together in order to drive each other up the wall, frustrate the hell out of each other for about 60 years, and be extremely co-dependent in a way that seems to work for them. Not my idea of paradise! :-)

I always sought relationships because I expected happiness from them, and I wanted to be "in love". That's a pretty common set of motivations, I think. I was looking for emotional security, companionship, affection, loyalty, all that kind of good stuff. Every relationship turned out to be a golden opportunity to face and deal with my own blind spots and weaknesses. I think that's what my therapist is talking about. Relationships allow you to exercise your character in a rigorous and challenging setting that is very demanding. They are not a trip to a vacation paradise free of stress. If you are up to changing and growing, you can do a lot with a relationship. If you just want others to change so you can feel good, you are in for a miserable time.

You know what real relationship is? It's loving service. Loving is not about receiving, it's about rendering service...while NOT surrendering your own personal sovereignty in the process. He who can serve another selflessly while still remaining free and sovereign within himself has really made something of his life.

I figure I'm about halfway there at this point.

And respect someone is everything. I never got involved with someone I didn't respect at the time.

And to Guest: The only experience I have ever had around the after sex/respect issue with women was this - I respected them even MORE after sex than I did before. Without exception. And I am a North American male. I guess I wasn't brought up in the macho value system you are speaking of, although it certainly is out there, no question of that. My parents didn't really teach me much of anything about sex, nor did my schoolmates. I got my ideas about it primarily from books depicting romantic stories about "true love". I never had one negative feeling about it in any way, nor about the people I had it with. It was pure and beautiful. It was practically the only major thing in my young life that did not get compromised or damaged in some way by someone while I was growing up.

- LH