Mudcat Café message #1047495 The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #63952   Message #1047495
Posted By: AllisonA(Animaterra)
04-Nov-03 - 05:09 AM
Thread Name: BS: Bereavement
Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
One month ago today, Oct. 4, 2003, was a weekend with my beloved. We went to a lovely harp concert the night before, one that Byron had helped organize. We were buzzing from the concert and didn't sleep well, so got up early and enjoyed the lovely sunrise over the mountains. We drank our coffee and tea, packed up the car, and by mid-morning we were driving north to Vermont to play for the Strafford Ball (traditional English country dance). On the way we stopped at our favorite roadside store for gas, sandwiches, apples, and for fun, some wildly shaped gourds (I can still see Byron waving a particularly goose-necked one at me through the store window!).
        The afternoon practice session for the ball glowed with the music of Morning Star, the duo of Byron and Carol on concertina, recorder, guitar and piano. The dancers all agreed that the music had never sounded as lovely as it did this day. Once in awhile I would catch Byron watching me, with a small sweet smile on his face.
        After the practice session we took a little walk, then sat on the stage with Carol and a few others, resting and chatting. Supper was a community event in the basement of the hall. We sat with good friends, told stories, exclaimed over the terrible food, agreed that we'd all go out for dinner next year.
        We dressed for the ball, danced as usual only a few dances, but we glowed with the joy of being together. We drove home early, got home before midnight. Within 30 minutes he was dead.
        It's been a strange new planet for me, with him not here in earthly presence,. I have to learn a whole new way of being. This past month has lasted years. I still get vivid flashes of memory, overwhelming waves of grief, wrenching sobs every day. But I also have spells of almost calm. I guess I'm "adjusting".
        In "A Grief Observed" C. S. Lewis compares it to the healing of an amputation. The wound will heal in time, you will get used to crutches, you may even get a prosthesis in time, but every day and every moment you will have before you the reminder that you are no longer a biped. Simple things will no longer be simple; you have to learn a whole new way of being. And many people will react towards you differently, you have to learn to adjust to them as well. And all the time you're just struggling to live your life, moment by moment, day by day.