Mudcat Café message #1045639 The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #63952   Message #1045639
Posted By: open mike
31-Oct-03 - 11:51 PM
Thread Name: BS: Bereavement
Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
I think your pocket angel may be a gift to someone else
who might find it and be cheered!

I do not know if i have said this bbefore,
but as i spent time with my mother as she
lay dying, i read the tibetan book of the
living and dying, and also Ram Dass' book
Still Here. I received some vewry helpful
info from both.
one thing i learned is that leaving the
body can bring a feeling of relief, like
taking off a tight shoe.

when cleaning out mom's desk i found this
poem which seemed quite cosmic to me, as
the image of bare feet came up again...

They are not gone who pass
Beyond the clasp of the hand,
Out from the strong embrace.
They are but come so close
We need not grope with hands,
Nor look to see, nor try
To catch the sound of feet.
Tehy have put off their shoes
Softly to walk by day
Within our thoughts, to tread
At night our dream-led paths
Of sleep.

They are not lost who find
The sunset gate, the goal
Of all their faithful years.
Not lost are they who reach
The summit of their climb,
The peak above the clouds
And storms. They are not lost
Who find the light of sun
And stars..and God!

The are not dead who live In
hearts they leave behind.
In those whom they have blessed
They live again,
And shall live throught the years
Of eternal live, and grow
Each day more beautifuyl
As time declares theur good,
Forgets the rest and proves
Their immortality.
      -Hugh Robert Orr

A counsellor I once went to gave me a
graph to illustrate the "grief cycle"
I think it might have been based on
something from elizabeth Kubler Ross
denial, anger, b....i can't remember
what they all sdtand for, but in the
chart this is what emotions you may
feel during these three stages:
Impact, Recoil, Recovery

reorganization->recovery-> growth

be on the lookout for angels...
they are all around and come
in many shapes, and flavors!!

you may find images that help you in
movies about angels..such as Michael,
(with John Travolta)
and What Dreams May Come
(with Robin Williams)

MY COUSIN, who lost his daughter to cancer
3 years ago, finds it comforting to ask
friends and family to donate to a charity;
in Rachel's name, in this case, a Childhood
Cancer organization.

in the day of the dead celebrations in mexico,
the way to remember loved ones who are no longer
with us is to have their favorite foods and think
of them. see happy samhain thread...

the hospice organization is quite helpful
and may hold workshops or get togethers
so others who are going thru similar
feelings can share their experiences.

in any case, give yourself permission to
respond in your own unique ways.

though some of these groups are strictly christian,
and their ideas may be too narrow to be of help if you
have different beliefs, and much of what they are built
around is long-involved death, not the sudden one which
your loved one experienced, but their is truth and help
and caring people in all of the hospice movement.

i found great peace and relief in the zen way
of looking at life and death--and this group
focusses on that point of view...

you may find that you have gained some insight
from your situation and may be able to help
comfort someone else who is in the same boat.
I found myself thinking that I might be able
to volunteer to help in hospice groups and
provide sympathy and empathy to others.

since my parents who recently passed on had
lived long lives and were expected to pass,
the concept had been with me for some time,
and i had been finding songs (or had they been
finding me>?) for a year which had death in
them--so i had been processing it in song..

here are a couple of other organizations and
resources i found while looking thru my Hospice
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross Center, S. route 616,
Head Waters, Virginia, 24442, 703-396-3441

and an on-line forum at

the organization which helped me is here:
though i think they are preetty much focussed
on folks who have a long illness, and mostly
for elderly, but not necessarily..

it is possible that if there was a hospital
which offered care they may have a program designed
to give you support,

one of the ways to process what you are going through is to write
it in a journal. this can be very cathartic.

do not let anyone take away your grieving, or
be judgemental about it, as it is a gift which
symbolizes the loving relationship which you shared!