Mudcat Café message #1043026 The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #63952   Message #1043026
Posted By: mouldy
28-Oct-03 - 03:48 AM
Thread Name: BS: Bereavement
Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
I still cry for my mum, after over 2 years, but now it's only occasionally, and only if something triggers it, or I'm overtired and feeling stressed. I realised after she'd gone (she died suddenly, too) that I was also grieving for my father who died 18 years ago. A month after he died we moved from a flat to a house. A month after that, I found I was pregnant with #3. I don't think I allowed myself time to deal with it properly then. I suppose I feel a bit guilty about that now, but it is getting better all the time. (I have apologised to him!)

My eldest niece died rather nastily from alcoholism about 5 years ago, at the age of 31, leaving a husband and 5 year old daughter. Her mother admits that she hasn't been able to grieve properly because the strain of Sarah's illness made my diabetic brother-in-law ill long-term with all sorts of complications (he's starting to get right again now, and seems very positive), and Janet had to be strong for both of them. She used to sneak off into the cellar on her own to weep, so that he didn't see her and get depressed himself.

Everything that has been said already holds true. Don't be ashamed to cry. Or shout. Or kick the furniture. Friends understand, sometimes better than family, who may be trying to cope themselves, because they are that one step removed from the raw grief. Everybody copes in their own way. I have seen some people get very low about 6 months after the event, mainly after the loss of a partner, and when all the fuss and open sympathy seems to fall away. Life has supposedly started to return to normal. This may be when friends can play their part. If you get low - phone a friend!

All sorts of silly things will set you off, often when you least expect it. Just go with it, and tick off each milestone as you pass it.

You are in the lucky position of having many, many people who you can talk to, either privately, or in the open, as here. Some know what you are feeling, and how the process will probably run, because they are or have been there themselves. Others will provide a sympathetic ear, just because it is their nature. We all have to deal with loss in our lives. Sometimes it is a bit easier because it follows the "natural order" - parents before children, partners after a long life together and at a ripe old age; likewise with siblings and friends. When this natural order is upset by premature death, then your mind has a bit more work to do to accept things as they are. With that acceptance as part of the process, things have a good chance of getting better gradually. But allow things to go at their own pace, and let each issue resolve at its own rate.

Go well