Mudcat Café message #1042648 The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #63952   Message #1042648
Posted By: Mickey191
27-Oct-03 - 12:27 PM
Thread Name: BS: Bereavement
Subject: RE: BS: Bereavement
Allison, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved Byron. My heart goes out to you and feels your loss.
My feeling is that each person must deal with grief in his own way. There is no universal remedy to ameliorate the pain. Tears and talking helped me.

My beloved husband Jim, will be dead 10 years in December.   There are times it feels as raw & hurtful as the first day. There are times when it feels as though I've been alone for a hundred years.

He was simply the best person I've ever known, with all that that encompasses. We had no children and were married 34 years. He went out one day to a Dr.'s app't. and never came back. He was killed in an auto accident. The single, most devastating event in my life. Between us, all of our family had passed -except his one brother. So I was on my own, with the exception of a few friends.

Those first few weeks brought nothing but tears-don't try to stop them. Someone said above Tears honor the dead. There were many things I did which were not applicable to your situation--I kept going to the car, The people who lived in the area-a construction crew nearby who came to his aid. All in an effort to findout who drove him off the road. I put a wreath up and it was stolen the next day. I ranted. I raved. I survived.

I kept a tape recorder diary from day 4, just talking about him & the every day things. When I hear it now--it sounds like someone else. I kept that going for 1 1/2 years. Week by week There was an almost imperceptable change. I was getting a bit stronger, more in control The hurt,the emptiness was ever present. I still had to force myself to get out of bed in the morning.

The one thing I did which I regret-I had too much alone time. I did cut myself off from friends. I did have one girlfriend who called me every single night for over two years. You must allow people to help you-they want to share & ease your burden.

You may find that your one source of comfort is just to speak about him--to share your memories. That is still true for me. Recalling something we'd shared, I said to someone the other day, Jim is still making me laugh. When I hear something funny, I can hear his laughter.

Allison, truly, the only thing that will help you deal with this tremendous loss is time. There is nothing else that I know of to ease the pain. You were given the gift and the burden, to be there when he passed. In times to come you will know that was truly a blessing. I wish I'd been with my husband - a million times I've had that thought.

There are still times when I awaken in the morning, and think for one instant- Jim's in the kitchen. Then I realize - and I have to bury him all over again. It doesn't happen as often as before. The passage of time is a healer, and the knowledge that you and Byron shared a most special love. Some people never have that.