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GUEST,Sonja Song Challenge! - Part 89 (58* d) RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 89 26 Sep 02

Here's my first real atttempt to write a rap number.  Obviously, it's spoken, very rhythmically, with the de rigeur back-beat percussion as background.


Dog Crap Rap

By Snoop Doggy Doo

Now here's a little story 'bout a city dude named Jacob,
Jus' loser dude who thought he'd be a move-ah and a shake-ah.
He thought he'd pull a clever heist and fool the local coppers,
Now he's doin' ten and ten in the pen like any robber.

Oh, the Gold Coast streets, they can really be a challenge
With the ho's and the pimps out to sell a bit o' dalliance,
You can try to make your fortune with a well-placed wager
In the betting shops or try to make the drug deals with a pager.

Now Jake he been a messin' with a skank called Queensland Shiela--
Got a booty like a mama 'roo, an' a groove wit'out a equa'.
She could shake like Krakatoa, make a sober man see double,
But the lady loved her luxury--that got our boy in trouble.

Well, the night was dark and cloudy when the boy began his caper
With a sheet around his face to disguise him from the gapers.
He broke into the punter shop thru a unlocked transom,
Stole the cash from the till and a bitch to hold for ransom.

I ain't talkin' 'bout the kind of bitch that sashays thru the ghettoes
Wearin' crocodile bikinis and them 5-inch high stilettoes,
No, this puppy was a cross between a dingo and a poodle
That the shopkeeper bought to guard the whole kit and kaboodle.

But the watchdog was too wimpy to chomp intruders' heinies--
She'd just cower in the corner, lift 'er leg, and get all whiny,
And if she was really traumatized she'd hover by the door
And leave a large deposit, in her panic, on the floor.

(Scratching break)

So when Jacob picked the mongrel up and stuffed 'er in his jacket
She was feelin' claustrophobic and began to make a racket,
So he dropped the yappy mutt and kicked her in the derrière--
Yes, he lit'rally kicked the crap out of that doggie then and there.

Then he heard the sirens wailing, 'cause the cops had heard the "arf"ing,
And he sprinted toward the exit turning white and nearly barfing.
When he hopped into that Outback and he headed for its namesake
He was breathin' like a orca and tremblin' like a earthquake.

But he figured he'd escaped the long appendage of the law
When he pulled into his hideout and no flashing lights he saw,
And even though the vehicle was smelling kinda crappy,
He said, "Oh, what the hell?  I gotta take a little nappy."

And when the morning sunlight slapped ol' Jacob in the face,
From the window he saw squad cars, coppers crawling 'round the place.
Then a voice chirped from the squawk box, "G'day, Jake.  I'm Sergeant Piper
An' we've got you quite surrounded with our pepper spray and snipers."

"Hey, man, I ain't done nothin'!"  Jacob yelled above the speakers.
Sergeant Piper calmly smiled and said, "Oh, no?  Let's see your sneakers."
They compared the soles of Jacob's shoes with store security videos
And Piper even sniffed "exhibit A" (though it smelled hideous!).

Well, the jury found Jake guilty of the felony he'd hatched,
'Cause the pattern of excreta on his soles was closely matched
To the pattern of the squished-up pile the store's watch dog had squirted
When Jake so cruelly kicked the little bitch right where it hurted.

(Scratching break)

Now the moral of this canine tale is eas'ly told or sung:
A life of crime will land you in a heap of doggy dung.
No real man takes his anger out on poor defenseless critters--
Kick a doggy in the ass and you're really full of shit, sir!

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