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User Name Thread Name Subject Posted
Bo Lyr Req: Oor Hamlet (Adam McNaughtan) (20) Lyr Add: OOR HAMLET (Adam McNaughtan) 08 Jun 97

Here's a version with all the Scots in it.

(Adam McNaughtan) (Tune: "Mason's Apron")

There was this king sitting in his gairden a' alane,
When his brither in his ear poured a wee tate o' henbane.
Then he stole his brither's crown an' his money an' his widow,
But the deid king walked an' goat his son an' said, "Hey, listen, kiddo,
Ah've been kilt an' it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius,
Kill him quick an' clean an' show the nation whit a fraud he is."
The boy says, "Right, Ah'll dae it but Ah'll need to play it crafty -
So that naeb'dy will suspect me, Ah'll kid on that Ah'm a dafty.

So wi' a' excep' Horatio - an' he trusts him as a friend -
Hamlet, that's the boy, kids on he's roon' the bend,
An' because he wis nae ready for obligatory killin',
He tried to make the king think he was tuppence aff the shillin'.
Took the mickey oot Polonius, treatit poor Ophelia vile,
Tellt Rosencrantz an' Guildenstern that Denmark was a jile.
Then a troupe o' travellin' actors like 7.84
Arrived to dae a special wan-night gig in Elsinore.

Hamlet! Hamlet! Loved his mammy!
Hamlet! Hamlet! Acting balmy!
Hamlet! Hamlet! Hesitatin',
Wonders if the ghost's a cheat
An' that is how he's waitin'.

Then Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact
While Horatio an' him watch to see if Claudius cracked.
The play was ca'd "The Mousetrap" - no the wan that's runnin' noo -
An' sure enough the king walked oot afore the scene was through.
So Hamlet's got the proof that Claudius gi'ed his da the dose,
The only problem being noo that Claudius knows he knows.
So while Hamlet tells his ma that her new husband's no a fit wan,
Uncle Claud pits oot a contract wi' the English king as hit-man.

Then when Hamlet kilt Polonius, the concealed corpus delecti
Was the king's excuse to send him for an English hempen neck-tie,
Wi' Rosencrantz an' Gildenstern to make sure that he got there,
But Hamlet jumped the boat an' pit the finger on that pair.
Meanwhile Laertes heard his da had been stabbed through the arras.
He came racin' back to Elsinore tout suite, hotfoot frae Paris,
An' Ophelia wi' her da kilt by the man she wished to marry -
Eftir sayin' it wi' flooers, she comittit hari-kari.

Hamlet! Hamlet! Nae messin'!
Hamlet! Hamlet! Learnt his lesson!
Hamlet! Hamlet! Yorick's crust
Convinced him that men, good or bad,
At last must come to dust.

Then Laertes lost the place an' was demandin' retribution,
An' the king says, "Keep the heid an' Ah'll provide ye a solution."
He arranged a sword-fight for the interestit pairties,
Wi' a bluntit sword for Hamlet an' a shairp sword for Laertes.
An' to make things double sure (the auld belt-an'-braces line )
He fixed a poison't sword-tip an' a poison't cup o' wine.
The poison't sword goat Hamlet but Laertes went an' muffed it,
'Cause he got stabbed hissel, an' he confessed afore he snuffed it.

Hamlet's mammy drank the wine an' as her face turnt blue,
Hamlet says, "Ah quite believe the king's a baddy noo."
"Incestuous, treacherous, damned Dane," he said, to be precise,
An' made up for hesitatin' by killin' Claudius twice.
'Cause he stabbed him wi' the sword an' forced the wine atween his lips.
Then he cried, "The rest is silence!" That was Hamlet had his chips.
They fire't a volley over him that shook the topmaist rafter,
An' Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happy ever after.

Hamlet! Hamlet! A' the gory!
Hamlet! Hamlet! End of story!
Hamlet! Hamlet! Ah'm away!
If you think this is borin',
Ye should read the bloody play.

784 is the name of a Socialist Theatre Group in Scotland, so called I believe because 7% of the population owns 84% of the property.

Belt and Braces is a reference to the hypercautious practice of wearing both belt and braces (American, suspenders) to keep your trousers (pants up).

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