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User Name Thread Name Subject Posted
McGrath of Harlow Merry Xmas to all Mudcatters everywhere (33) RE: Merry Xmas to all Mudcatters everywhere 25 Dec 18


Happy Christmas to everybody. Especially anyone whose nose I might have got up. And especially to Joe and Max for keeping the Mudcat on the road.

Waiting for the feasting to start here. In the meantime here's a Christmas related story I wrote a few years back - I can't remember if I posted it here or not already, but if so no harm.

Our Belinda

The shops were all pudding and Santa,
It was Christmas all over the place -
Why, soon we'd be halfway through August,
There wasn't a moment to waste.
My wife said "a free range farm turkey
This year would do us no harm."
So I sat down at the computer
And I ordered a bird from a farm.

Time passed, we were getting near Christmas,
So I phoned up the man to make sure,
And he says "Don't you worry, tomorrow
That Turkey will be at your door.
We'll be sending a female turkey.
Female Flesh - it's much sweeter I say!"
I thought that a bit near the knuckle,
But some farmers are rather that way.

And next day sure enough there's a ring on the door.
When I opened it, truth for to tell,
There's our Turkey. She's stood on her suitcase,
It was her had been ringing the bell.
I was taken aback, I admit it,
But manners are manners I say
So I said, "Come on in, you're expected,"
Which was true in a kind of a way.

So the Turkey trots in, does a curtsey,
And stands in the hall looking shy,
She was looking so lost and so lonely,
Very like she was ready to cry.
And I said "Did you have a good journey?"
And she nodded and started to blink.
She wasn't a great one for talking,
But that's fair enough, when you think.

The poor girl was clearly exhausted -
It's a long journey coming to town
So I showed her on up to the spare room,
I could see she could use a lie down.

I was feeling a little embarrassed,
It's my wife deals with that kind of thing,
I mean visitors who aren't expected,
And females - but she wasn't in.
So I sat on the sofa, and pondered.
I own I was feeling quite fussed.
Our Christmas this year would be different, that's clear
It is plain we would have to adjust."

Then my wife came on in, in a hurry
And she says "Dear, I'm sorry I'm late.
We've been learning to make Christmas puddings from wool,
For those who are trying to lose weight.
Has our Turkey arrived like the man said?"
I said "Well, she has, you might say.
But not plucked, and not oven ready.
Dressed for table? That she is, in a way."
So we both tiptoed up to the bedroom,
And I opened the door, just a peep.
She was lying on a flowery pillow,
And she really looked ever so sweet.
"Oh dear, well I never" my wife says.
"We've got things to discuss, you and me.
But that poor little thing is exhausted.
Now what shall we give her for tea..."

We hadn't a clue what her name was,
There wasn't a way we could tell,
In the end though we hit on Belinda,
And she seemed to like it as well.
And very soon little "Belinda"
Was settled and feeling at home,
And going for long trots around Harlow -
Being free range she was fond of a roam.

And Belinda was ever so tidy
It surprised me, I have to confess,
She'd not let me slump on the sofa
And she wouldn't put up with a mess.
My wife said that's just what we needed,
And you know, and I find it quite strange,
But a house now so neat and so tidy,
It makes quite an enjoyable change.

When the day came for our Carol Concert
Belinda joined in with the rest,
And she fitted in well with our choir,
Since her voice isn't one of the best.
And she helped us in wrapping the presents,
And hanging up cards on the wall,
I don't know how we managed without her
Her being so helpful and all.

Our Christmas it went off like clockwork -
The dinner was something to see.
Course there wasn't a bird on the table,
That would not have been nice, you'll agree.
We'd decided to go vegetarian,
With Indian dishes to eat
And Belinda tucked into a salad we shared,
With some snails and worms for a treat.

After dinner we watched television.
I don't think she made much of the Queen,
But when it was Strictly Come Dancing,
Well that was a whole different scene.
And it turns out that dancing's her passion,
When she saw Riverdance, she was sold,
And now she goes every week to an Irish Dance class,
With a costume in green white and gold.

And Belinda dancing the cancan's
Like a poster by Toulouse -
And if you saw her dancing theCharleston
Well, that's something you'll never forget.
And when Swan Lake was screened from the Bolshoi,
As Cineworld does now and then,
Belinda was there quite enraptured
And I know she'll be back there again.   

And the next time we have the Line Dancing
She'll be up there, never you mind
And you'll know her, of that there's no question -
She's the one who'll be leading the line.

No, a Turkey is not just for Christmas!
And now that I've come to an end
I can tell you next year we'll be getting a Goose.
Our Belinda could do with a friend.


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