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User Name Thread Name Subject Posted
GUEST,Rose A Wish for Autism (241* d) RE: A Wish for Autism 28 Jan 10

I've read through this thread a few times now, and decided that I had to comment.

I am currently awaiting a diagnosis of an Autistic Spectrum Disorder. I was referred a few years ago, but as I am an adult (mid-twenties), it has taken an extremely long time for even the chance to be diagnosed.

Throughout my life, I have known that my mind doesn't work in the same way as other peoples'. I had to teach myself how to recognise emotions, jokes, how to speak to people I didn't know (and sometimes, even those I did), and this made me feel like an "outsider". I went to mainstream school, where I was severely bullied, because I didn't have the skills to defend myself.

As I got older, I found myself trying to escape the world, turning away from the people and things I loved, locking myself away in my room, my own little world, the only place I felt safe. I hated being forced to leave my cocoon, and would lash out because I felt threatened, my "fight or flight" mechanism going into overdrive. I even felt that life was not worth living, and tried to escape it.

I am slowly becoming more able to face the outside world (I'm now a student), but all the time, I am terrified inside, no matter how confident I appear. I allow very few people into my room in halls, and when, during Fresher's Week, my room was invaded without warning by several girls from other flats, who were friends with one of my flatmates, I ended up close to tears because I was so scared.

The first semester of University was one of the most frightening experiences of my life. Too many strange people. Too noisy. Too many crowds. I couldn't cope. I came close to dropping out because of the fear. Thankfully, my tutors are supportive, I have a fantastic boyfriend and I'm now receiving counselling. It's not much, but until I have an official diagnosis, it seems like the best thing I can do.

I love music, and that is often the first thing I turn to if I need an escape but am unable to get back to my sanctuary. I've always got my iPod on me, even if I know I won't be able to listen to it.

It actually upset me reading some of the comments on this thread. Certain people seem to think they know best if they work with children on the autistic spectrum. I can understand the parents of autistic children, but as has been mentioned, we are not all the same.

I have often felt that my life would be so much easier if I wasn't the way I am. I wouldn't feel so useless when I misinterpret things. I wouldn't get looked at as though I am stupid when I pluck up the courage to ask for clarification on something that everyone else understood ages ago.

I adore drama and acting, because I see it as my only chance to be someone completely different, who can stand up to people, who is accepted, who is "normal". No matter who I'm playing, I can be the person I wish I could be in real life, the person I can never see me as.

Thank you for reading this.

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