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User Name Thread Name Subject Posted
GUEST,Bruce Baillie Jokes turned into songs... (120* d) RE: Jokes turned into songs... 14 Jul 06

How about this one I wrote a few years ago to the tune of Kenny Rogers 'Coward of the County' I once had an argument with a barman in a pub in Huddersfield called the County Bar, he gave me five pounds worth of change when I'd given him a ten pound note...

Everyone considered him the Bastard of the County,
of all the barmen in the pub he was the nasty one.
His mom had named him Billy but the folks all called him 'Shithead'
and as he worked behind the bar he'd sing this little song!

"I promise to do all the things I shouldn't do,
I'll walk right into to trouble if I can,
I've such a bloody cheek, I like to pick on them that's weak,
and if everything turns out as I have planned,
'll end up with half yer change left in me hand!"

One day a poor old tramp came in with not a penny on him,
half dead from exhaustion well he staggered to the bar,
"Oh for Christ's sake give us a packet o' crisps,
and a pint o' brown and bitter, I've not eaten since last Friday,
and it's nearly Thursday now!"

As Billy listened to the tramp his mind was ticking over,
he'd make this poor old worn out guy look like a right buffoon,
he said, "Alright then Grandad well I'll do just as you ask me,
...if you can drink one mouthful from that dirty olf spittoon!"

The tramp he looked from Billy's face to the cuspidore a - standing,
all green and slimy on the floor, it was brimful to the top!
the tears streamed down his tired old face, and the pangs of hunger stabbed him,
and Billy's voice came to him saying, "Go on lad, just a drop!"

H e wor t'centre of attention, all eyes were fast upon him,
as he picked it up with trembling hands, and he put it to his lips!
and as he gurgled softly all the customers started leaving,
and a customer in the corner, brought back his pie & chips!

"Look stop it now!" said Billy "This jokes gone far enough like!
Me customers are leaving, look here don't be such a chump!"
But the strain showed on the tramps face as these words he tried to gurgle,
"I'm sorry lad, I just can't stop, IT'S ALL IN ONE BIG LUMP!!!"

Well Billys face contorted as he dashed off to the bathroom,
he wasn't holdin' nuthin' back, he got rid of it all!
When he came back to the bar room, the carpet was all textured,
and the tramp had buggered off wi' t' till, and he'd left this little note

(And it said)

"I promised to chew, everything you told me to!
I got in there and sucked it like a man!
now I'll cut quite a dash, cos I've run off with yer cash, things didn't quite work out as you had planned, cos I ended up with your change in my hand!"

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