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GUEST,MINERVA Lyr Add: Spoons Murder - A cautionary tale (26) Lyr Add: THE FIDDLE MURDER 10 May 05


THE FIDDLE MURDER

1. In the tavern one night we were sitting;
I'm sure 'twas the last week of March.
From our drinks we were cautiously sipping,
To ensure that our throats didn't parch.

2. We conversed both lively and dacent
To bolster our spirits and hopes.
While we gazed at the females adjacent,
And remarked on their curves and their slopes.

3. Till this gent elbowed into our discussion,
And decided to play in our middle.
Without waiting to ask our permission,
He took out a brain numbing fiddle.

4. Our teeth in short time we were gritting.
As he squeeked and scratched his toys;
And the company's eardrums were splitting,
With his ugly whining noise.

5. Hopping tunes off our heads to provoke us,
He continued the music to further.
Whether hornpipes, slow airs or polkas
They all sounded like cats being murdered.

6. Then he started to play even faster,
As his talent he wished to display.
With a grin on the face of the bastard,
Like a cat as she teases her prey.

7. Our feelings by now were quite bloody,
And politely we asked him to quit.
We suggested a part of his body
Where that fiddle and bow could conveniently fit.

8. This monster we pestered and hounded.
We implored him with curses and tears.
But in vain; our appeals they resounded
In the desert between his two ears.

9. When I went out the back on a mission,
He arrived as I finished my leak.
He said, 'This is a mighty fine location,
I think I'll come here every week.'

10. When I heard this, with rage I was leppin'
And no more of this torture I'd take.
I looked round for a suitable weapon
To silence this damn rattlesnake.

11. Outside towards the yard I did sally.
To find something to vanquish my foe;
I grabbed hold of a gentleman's Raleigh
With fifteen-speed gear and dynamo.

12. Then I battered his musical "instrument";
As I shouted with furious cries,
'This fiddle be damned to Hades this very moment,
A violin played as a fiddle deserves only demise.'

13. With the bike I assailed my tormentor;
As I swung in a frenzy of hate,
Till its soundbox and frets were in splinters;
And its neck in a very poor state.

14. And when I was no longer able,
I forestalled any last minute glitch;
By removing the gear-changing cable,
And tangling the strings with a clove hitch.

15. At the end of my onslaught ferocious
I stood back and surveyed the scene.
The state of the place was atrocious,
Full of fragments of fiddle and machine.

16. At the fiddle's remains I was staring;
Its condition was surely no joke,
For its sound box was clogged up with ball bearings,
And its chin rest was pierced by a spoke.

17. At the sight I was feeling quite squeamish;
So I washed up and went back inside.
Then I drank a half-gallon of Beamish,
For my throat in the struggle had dried.

18. Unpolluted by fiddle's yammer,
The discourse was pleasant and sweet.
For the rest of the night nothing mattered,
But the converse with the hot babes in their low cut shirts.

19. At the Civil Court inquest, the following September,
The judge said, 'It' my judgement
The fiddle was justifiably dismembered,
As no sign could be found of musical talent.'

20. 'For the evidence shows that the fact is;
As reported to me by the Guards,
He indulged in the foolhardy practice
Of trick cycling while playing the fiddle in public house yards,
for which I sentence him to twenty years hard labor and 400 hours of public service.'

21. So if you're desperately keen on fiddlin',
And to play us some tunes you can't wait,
Be you Irishman, German or Russian
Take a lesson from his awful fate.

22. Whether your fiddle's a Strad, 16th century dated,
Or the humblest of wood with cardboard top,
When you play it abroad you'll be hated;
So just use it for a door stop.


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